Upcoming Holidays 

11/23 Thanksgiving
12/3 Full Moon
12/21 St. Thomas’ Day/Fire Festival
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/24  Christmas Eve/Satanic and demon revels/Da Meur/Grand High Climax
12/15  Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve
1/1  New Year’s Day
1/7  St Winebald’s Day
1/12 Full Moon
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
11/12  Birth of both Rosenburg and Goering, Nazi leaders in WWII
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany



As ritual abuse survivors, we have probably suffered alone for most of our lives. Most of the survivors I have met were amnesic for their abuse until adulthood. I did meet one young woman who had learned of her abuse when she was a child, but, although she believed it had happened,  she did not remember any of it.

This means that, as children, we started off feeling – and being – different from others. Since I cannot speak for everybody, I’ll share my experiences with isolation; I do believe, though, that they are pretty typical.

I had few opportunities to be around other children before entering first grade. I did notice that other kids knew more than I did, and it was embarrassing. I remember when I was three or four watching my cousins color. I watched them carefully and copied what they did as I had never seen crayons or coloring books before then.

When I got to school, I thought that the other kids knew the rules of the game of life and I didn’t. I was mortified and hid it the best I could by being shy and aloof. Of course I didn’t have friends. Slowly, I watched and learned how to jump rope, play tag, make Cats’ Cradles. By sixth grade, I had made a friend, and in seventh grade, I made another. Both friends were, like me, outsiders.

Inside the cult, all the children were pretty much in the same boat. It was easy to imagine how they felt and easy to imagine that I would feel comfortable with them, if only we had been allowed to talk to each other or play. The children were kept apart deliberately as a means of controlling them. If any two children were allowed to get attached in any way, it was only to put them in double binds and make them hurt each other.

I didn’t belong in grade school. Or high school. Or college. Not at work, not at home, not as a wife and mother. I felt like I was from Mars, simply because I was the only person I knew, or thought I knew, who grew up in a cult but didn’t know it.

When I remembered, two things happened almost immediately. One was that most of my “friends” disappeared when they heard about it, either from me or second-hand. Looking back, these were not friends, they were people I knew. Luckily my kids and my therapist at the time stuck around. I remember my therapist consoling me by saying, “Nature abhors a vacuum. You will attract new people.”

The second one was there was an instant connection between me and other ritual abuse survivors. (My therapist was right! And it only took three weeks!)

I felt so at home with ritual abuse survivors. We did not reject each other because of the enormity of the abuse. There was no need to walk away in order to protect ourselves from the knowledge of how deeply cruel people can be: we already knew. There was a kinship that cut across  boundaries of gender, race, age, nationality, and social class. We understood each other and nobody was shocked by my twisted sense of humor.

Of course, survivors are like any other people. Some got on my nerves or hurt my feelings and I hurt people, never on purpose, but from ignorance, misunderstandings, or my own hang-ups. There was the ever-present possibility of triggering somebody or being triggered, sometimes without knowing it. The initial glow wore off and I learned that even if there was a strong connection, being friends with a survivor can be hard work.

I was blessed to be living in a place where it was easy to meet survivors in person through twelve-step meetings, conferences, peer-led groups, task forces, and poetry readings. There was so much out there that it was, at times, hard to choose.  The Internet was always there and I e-met people from many different countries.

For a variety of reasons, it became harder to meet people in person, most notably because of the chilling effect of the False Memory people. We became much more cautious, even fearful, around fellow survivors. But for about twenty years I did not feel isolated. I was not a Martian, an alien, an outcast, but a regular human being who had had a horrific childhood like so many others.

These days I’m starting to feel isolated once again, but in a different way. Part of it has to do with the difficulty in meeting survivors; you have to work at it. Many of my friends have moved away and some have died. Others have broken with me and we are no longer in contact. Luckily it’s much easier over the Internet. I do not know what I would do without my beloved computer.

Another part has to do with aging. Now isolation is pretty common among older people, especially those who can’t get around very well. I’m no exception: I have arthritis and don’t have the stamina, physically, mentally, or emotionally that I did thirty years ago. I sure wish there were an easy way to hang out with other survivors, preferably with parking close by.

I recently spent the day with a survivor I have known for years. We didn’t even talk about abuse or healing. We talking about the present and did everyday things, like have lunch and go to the supermarket. But the connection, the understanding, was there all the time. We didn’t have to worry about saying something too intense and chasing the other one away. Our backgrounds were a given, like the color of our eyes.

It was such a treat to catch up on our lives and struggles, to implicitly honor each other’s strength and perseverance. Such a treat to be reminded that I belong someplace after all.

96 thoughts on “Isolation

  1. I’d like to pose a question. Regardless if it’s programming or conditioning……Why do we still need the Satanic calender to figure out why were feeling so strange on the holy days? And, why do we still respond to said holy days? Is it held by one alter, or all alters? I’m tired of it. Subconsciously, the body and mind react to things I don’t know about..I can read the calender and see it’s a date, but still don’t know what it means or what happened.
    I welcome everyone to chime in here please. Kate, Judith, Libby, Brianna, Earth, Shirley, Star….sorry if I’ve forgotten a name, it’s my brain.
    Want to say hi to everyone I haven’t talked with. You are all very important to me. It’s good to know I’m not alone and can actually talk here on the site. I hope you can find a home here too.
    Huggsss to everybody, alters included!!


    1. Hi Tracy! Well, coming from someone who has been support for survivors, the calendar can be helpful for me. It helps to be aware of difficult dates so I can prepare myself to keep a close eye on survivor(s ) to help raise awareness with parts and prevent the survivor(s) from leaving the home and going to the perpetrators for more abuse. Unfortunately the survivors that I have been support for were still being actively “accessed” despite fleeing the state they lived in to get away from the abuse. The various perpetrator groups have invested a lot of time and money in lifelong programming/conditioning for the ones I have worked with and are not willing to let them go so easy.

      From what I’ve observed, there are typically several alters involved, with one or more that may not have any awareness of the abuse. Say one kid part thinks that if they go to the place where the bad people are that they will get a special treat, like candy or something else a little kid would really like. They innocently may respond to the programmed/conditioned internal draw, then a succession of alters may take over to basically make the memory of what happened a jigsaw puzzle.

      As far as remembering what happened, the parts hold those memories because they are very difficult for the front part of the survivor’s system to cope with early on in the healing journey. After all, trauma is how the DID is created. Learning about those memories when parts share information can be extremely difficult to accept because it can be so horrific and emotionally painful. The betrayal that goes on with this stuff can be so traumatic for a non-survivor to learn about let alone the survivor part(s) that experienced it first hand.

      I can identify with the isolation thing in various ways. I’m sort of a recluse by nature however, I do enjoy being social with certain people. Being so passionate about standing up for victims sort of alienates me from those that don’t have the capacity to understand what this stuff is all about. I’m so thankful and relieved when I get the opportunity to communicate with those who are open and understanding and/or willing to learn. Thank you for saying hi! You are definitely not alone. I’m so glad too, that everyone has the chance to communicate here.


      1. I agree with everything you have said.

        I’d also like to add that in the beginning, the calendar is useful for identifying why we feel so rotten. A chance to plan ahead, and then, if we forgot it, an AHA moment when it is over. For me, it cut down on the craziness as for years I could not remember the dates of the holidays. Now, if I didn’t have to compile and type it, I probably would never even glance at it.

        Starsunflower, you are a special person. Few people without an RA background want to learn about RA, let alone get involved being a support person, except maybe superficially. When I meet somebody willing to stand up for us and stand by us, it brings tears to my eyes.


            1. Hi Jean- I have a request. Could you start a separate thread regarding this subject? It’s not about RA, it’s about needing all of your thoughts on something I’m planning.. I don’t know if you could copy nd paste to start a new thread.
              Here it is………………………
              I am on a list to be an organ donor! I am the next person in line to donate a kidney to a very sick woman who is living thru dialysis, and if she doesn’t get one, she will die.

              I don’t know the woman. I know she is 35 and living with one malformed kidney. She has been on dialysis since she was 13. I came to know of her thru a community group in our neighborhood. I read her relatives story and jumped on it. Of course I would donate an organ to give someone else a chance to live a normal happy life.

              I know I am a caretaker and this opportunity would feel so good. What a wonderful gift I could give!

              I filled out the form last week and received a phone call from the hospital this week. If the relative doesn’t work out, I would start the matching process, which I have no idea what is included. I don’t even know what goes into organ donating. I can find a lot of info on the web which I’m starting tonight.

              Reason for me asking all of you. I need to hear opinions, transplant stories- good and bad. I come to all of you because we are sisters n brothers re our backgrounds.

              I would value your opinions. Ask me questions. All opinions would help me considerably in making my final decision, if I could be the lucky donor.

              You are all so important to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your responses.

              Bless you all


      2. TRIGGER WARNING@@@@Specific acts mentioned@@@@

        Hi Sun! Thanx for your response. Kudos to you for helping survivors. When you say it’s difficult for the listener to hear our stories, it puts an interesting twist on why we don’t have many therapists/doctors who want to do RA work. I never thought about the impact it would have on them. Burn out must be huge for the practitioners. Bless you for doing the work you do to help us.

        Working with newbies must be really horrendous. I can recall how I was when the floodgates opened for me and memories/flashbacks were insidious! I was a basket case. Fear, disbelief, panic attacks, startle reflex, depression, persecution complex, switching, suicide attempts…….what a nightmare! My husband at the time never knew what he would be coming home to, or who.

        Working with my alters has always been difficult. I don’t do much internal work. My doc of 12 yrs, who was a specialist in the field told me I had one of the strongest defensive system he had ever encountered. And he worked with hundreds of survivors. If I started to journal, my insiders would distract me, put me to sleep, they would find any means of getting me away from communicating. It’s also really scary! I’m 30 yrs into ‘recovery, and I don’t want to hear anymore horrors! Isn’t the memory of the man I murdered enough? Or the little girl? Or recalling what happened to my babies? The cannibalism?

        They’re shutting me down. Time lapse of 25 mins before I could write this. Feel weighted down. Breath is slower, shallow. Typing very slow. I have to go


        1. Hello to EVERYONE!!! It’s been since November that I have read/posted on this blog so I apologize that I’ve missed out on everything going on with everyone! By the way, so happy that you made it back to your blog since your recent vacation, Jeannie! Due to my current situation, I cannot state much about my own life but I can say that I’m really struggling immensely as I type right now! I hope that I don’t trigger anyone but I’m not feeling much like living right now and anyone who’s been where I am (which I assume many of you) know exactly what I’m trying to say?! Anyways, although I am very far behind in reading and obviously have not been posting, I have seen the last two posts from tracysra and wanted to at least try to reach her?
          So, tracysra if you’re reading this obviously you will see that I’m reaching out to you! Like I said previously, I’m really far behind but can identify with you just from your last two posts and Jeannie’s comments to you! I also had a terribly difficult Christmas and New Years because after 2 long years of not being in a psych. ward, I found myself spending the holiday season alone in one of them! I feel your pain! Two whole years without being locked up was a miracle for me and I’m still dealing with the circumstances that I’m in because now I have NO CHOICE but to contend with what I’ve been ordered to due (not from the cult in case anyone is confused…have to stay very general here)! So, I can identify with a lot that you’re going through and am concerned about not just myself but rather you, also! I wish that you had a therapist that really gets all of this and will pray that my wish for you will come true for you! In the meantime, I was wondering if your current therapist could help you out with any of your issues on a general level? I totally understand that you need more right now but it would get you out of the house because I know for me that when I’m really struggling and it leads to isolation there is the possibility of getting in a worse space like the space that I’m in that I referenced earlier (but only if you feel safe enough to go out)! I am blessed enough to have a therapist with decades of experience in the S.R.A./D.I.D./complex P.T.S.D. ect. and know that I’m one of the lucky ones. The work is incredibly difficult but I persist minute to minute some days because that’s all of the capacity that I have to manage! I know that you and many other’s understand that minute by minute living when you feel like if one more thing goes wrong you will crumble into a million pieces and never be able to put the pieces back together, again! I’m there right now, so I get it totally! About the triggering memories you’re having, all that I can say is that you’re not alone! Many survivors have been through those HORRIFIC traumas and they are extremely difficult to handle emotionally especially when you throw in all of the guilt and shame on top of it! I want to say much more but unfortunately this message to you is all that I have the capacity to type, at the present moment! It’s nice to be back and I’m hoping that you get my message and aren’t feeling so alone?! Sending positive light and energy to all of my fellow survivor’s and we are all just that! NOT victims…SURVIVOR’S! Walking aside one another and holding up each other’s arms when we can’t do it for ourselves! I could use a little help myself! PEACE OUT!!! I hope to hear back from anyone!


          1. So nice to hear from you again! I’m sorry you spend Xmas in a psych ward, glad for the 2-year miracle, and hope you will have another long miracle now. But since you had to do it, I applaud your courage and dedication to staying alive no matter what. And I think t hat your concern for others is amazing and an inspiration for all of us. I don;t understand how we could come out of what we went through with a shred of caring, let alone the capacity for love.

            When I was being flooded with flashbacks, I told myself my only job was to stay alive and the rest would take care of itself eventually. Well, it did (with a lot of help from me and many many others.) I’m very glad those days are over and hope they don;t ever come back full force.

            My reply is going to be shorter than usual because I an insanely busy. I’m having cataract surgery 1/30 and there are so many things to do to prepare and I also want to prepare for afterwards as I doubt if I will be able to see very well at first. Also, needless to say, I am really anxious which gets in the way of doing anything at all except lie in bed eating chocolate. Thanks for understanding!


            1. Thanks for posting my comment and understand that you are busy! Your reply was sufficient…no worries! Sorry to hear about your eye surgery but at the same time praying that all goes well with preparation, the surgery itself and the after affects. Stay strong! Will be posting again soon, hopefully? Thanks again for letting me reconnect and hoping that tracysra sees my comment sooner than later!


            2. Chocolate is my best friend! And dark chocolate is healthy for you, so enjoy! I’m glad you said when your surgery is. You will be fine. Are you having both eyes done?

              I’ve only heard good things about cataract surgery. If I’m correct, you’re site will be so much better.

              Please try not to worry. Take deep slow breaths to help calm you. Too bad we don’t have our commune up n running, you would get the best aftercare from all your friends here.

              I’ve come to care about you Jean. Thanx to you and your blog, I feel much better knowing I belong and am accepted. All because of you. You hold a special place in my heart.

              Thank you and Bless you


            3. It’s become my home. I spend majority of my time on your fabulous blog. Knowing you, getting too know others, it is truly a blessing.. Bless you Jean. Thank you for giving me my safety net, my safe space. I am amongst a group of people who accept me,. No facade needed here. What a breath of fresh air….. Thank you from the bottoms of our hearts 😙


          2. Hey! I found one of the posts! This one you you replied too!,! Thank you.
            I know of a girl who spends every October in a specialty hospital for DID. She’s SRA, has a private room, doesn’t have to go to classes, just stays in her room. We got along great, we shared a bathroom. At night she would stand in the bathroom with one foot in my room, a big no no, and read me a bedtime story. I also started playing the Tile game with her. She was off limits to touch. So we were being p,awful and I stopped on the Tile behind her. Our backs were touching. Then it was her turn to step on her color file. Each time a small portion of our bodies touched. We were giggling and having a grand time while the nurses stared at this in shock. I remember that so clearly. We were in River Oaks hospital in Harahan, Louisiana. Awesome hospital for trauma patients. It comprised of DID, RA, Vets with PTSD and an eating disorder group. P,entry of modalities, experiential therapies, arts n crafts and Everyone on the staff knew how to deal with any crisis or problem that arose. Special p,ace. I believe they have a sister hospital, Twin Oaks, in the middle states., Ohio maybe?

            Here’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask….If you were amnesiac after getting out, at what age did the floodgates open for you? Mine was in my 30’s. It happened after I had been clean and sober for a year n a half
            I had read the early 30’s was a typical age for the recollections start.
            I can’t believe I’ve maintained my sobriety after learning all the horrors. 30yrs sober baby! Shoot!
            Huggsss to all!


            1. For me, it was my mid forties. After both my parents and my husband had died and my kids were launched and not living at home. I was responsible for nobody but me. I understand why I had to wait, but on the other hand, nobody in my family was living with me, except the cats. Pretty lonely and scary.


          3. I’m sending positive energy, calming energy Love n Light..I’m blessed to have made your acquaintance and hope we can establish a friendship. Really really want that!
            Please try doing deep breathing. Listen to some meditation music, try a guided meditation….all on Youtube.
            Call on your Angel guides n ask for quieting the brain.
            I giving you a warm, secure huggg. I’ll hold you till you say stop.
            Blessings girlfriend


          4. Earthenheartstone!! Hi! I just read this. You’re sweet to reach out to me. Means a lot. Huge!
            I’ll hold you up anytime you need me!
            Today is a weird day for me. Yesterday my therapist put 5 acupressure “buttons” in my ear. They are all calming points and they work, most of the time. We tried a new therapy, ART, APT……..something like that. It’s to help rid all the yucky emotions and physical feelings we get when reliving a memory. I hold on to these lol things that buzz, first one hand then the other. It’s to confuse the brain so the underlying feelings and thoughts can come thru. I feel those feelings in parts of my body. As the things alternate buzzes, I work on moving them out of my body. I could actually feel things shifting thru my body. Along with the shifting, I do breath work to release those trapped emotions. It was interesting, but think I need more work on it cos the feelings are still in the area where the abuse happened.

            The purpose for this type of therapy is to release the emotions that accompany the memory, not forget the memory like I had originally told Jean. I can tell more work needs to be done cos they don’t want to tell you the memory.

            I noticed you were not getting graphic with memories or emotions. This is a place to do just that. Just put a “TRIGGER warning” at top of your post. I did a graphic memory on here and haven’t heard anything that it was wrong to do. So go for it girl! Get it out,! It’s therapeutic to write out memories.

            I hope to find your response! Thanx so much for reaching out!!

            Many Blessings and Hugggss

            Tracy & co


  2. I’ve waited so long to respond because Isolation is such a huge issue. For years, therapists would tell me not to isolate. I do everything I can do to have a life- I work part time, I do all the things I need to do but when I walk into my abode, I want to be alone with my animals-2 cats and my service dog. Is that isolation? Fall is tough as so many have said. It has gotten easier over the years but the thought of the holidays leaves me feeling lonely. Thank you for all do, Jeanne!


    1. You know, isolation has come to mean something neurotic. But isn’t there a spectrum of how much people need or want solitude and how much they want to be social? Some people want to be surrounded by hordes of people 24 hours a day. That could be just temperament, or it could be a flight from one’s self. A C&W star and a forest ranger have very different preferences!


    2. I totally can identify with you. I push myself to look normal, but then go into my own cove at home, in my own room. I never go out or do things, I just want to be alone. Holidays are tough, I have this deep pain in the pit of my gut, holidays trigger me because of the symbolism of “Happy Family”. Even on the television so I sit on my computer and play games. In work (house cleaning so I do not have to deal with the world out there), I keep busy and look functional.


  3. Hello Jean! I was just wondering if there was a problem with the comment that I posted yesterday? I see that it is still awaiting moderation? Maybe you haven’t had time to read it yet? I hope that I didn’t say anything wrong? If so, let me know and I will apologize!!!!


    1. You didn’t say anything wrong, and you have nothing to apologize for.

      I emailed you about it — did you get my message? Check your gmail account.



  4. I just told my therapist I was so weird, Ic ould not trust, even after seeing her for manty years. I trust her partially, but fall is especially difficult for me. I trust her, but if she wants to talk about RA, I shut down. I have DID and the protectors keep me from sheding my truth. I definately have little friends, unless I am giving help or advice, or helping others. People really do not know me. I live in PA. I hate the fall, and find it difficult. I see my therapist three times a week, we have done EMDR, we have done talk therapy, and I do body work, and see a homeopathic psyciatrist, and have a great team. But there is a part of me who will NOT let my walls down for fear of trust. Thanks for sharing this subject.


    1. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to trust anybody 100% once you have figured out that nobody is perfect. But you are talking about something really different; you are talking about protecting large parts of yourself and therefore not trusting others with them. Unless I missed what you were saying. I found myself sinking into a very painful memory when I allowed myself to trust more deeply than I ever had – sort of sinking into the trust – and was promptly betrayed. (npt in a cult setting.) Trusting always seems to involve risk, at least ofr me.


      1. Well because I do not trust, I isolate myself. I have many people who see the outside of me. I have many people who I know, but I dont have friends who I will allow to get close. So I am always isolated. Always staying home, always afraid to go out with others, socialize with my choir people (who are not survivors), etc. I just do not trust the world. It is difficult to include myself. Thanks for responding. I am sorry you were hurt again.


        1. Takes courage to go out even if you don’t trust. Or if you are more than half sure you will be hurt in some way. Takes a lot of talking to the parts that do;t want anything to do with people that the pple you ware going to see are okay. They don;t know how to hurt pple like the cult did. Some pple would never hurt a little child, and it will be very different from the thing they remember.

          Sorry I’m not very clear (I think) but I am tired.


        2. I feel awkward with non-survivors. I usually don’t know how much to share, so I settle for very little, except for a few precious people. Groups, NO!

          It’s easier when there is a task: planning something, cleaning up a beach, etc. Then everybody is focused on the same thing and I know the parameters of what to talk about.

          Under these circumstances, home seems safe and cosy and inviting.


    2. Hi Kathy! I’m in Pa too!!! I live 45 north of Philly. If you feel comfortable, only if, could you expand on where you live. It could be as easy as North South, East or Western Pa. It’s nice to know there is another li,e myself in Pa.
      If possible, could you please give me your therapists name please? I have a newbie to the field therapist and want to find one who knows more. Only say what you are comfortable with , OK? I don’t want you to disclose anything you don’t want……..


      1. In my opinion, it;s best not to give personal info in the blog comments because it is open to the whole wide world. I’m workig on setting up a more private option.


  5. I too wish we lived closer, or at least had phone contact. Emailing is ok, but I’m old school, I’d like to TALK to people.

    The group that I went to was ridiculous. There were so many restrictions on what we could say. I was the only sra there, and it wasn’t worth it. Especially when I told them I was SRA. It was like I had the plaque! There are no other meetings around me.

    I found one weekend seminar that sounded very good, but I didn’t have the money. I’d have to pay for seminar, plus hotel and they required you brought a safe person who would also have to pay.

    I’m feeling so isolated being sick for so long that depression is really kicking in. Haven’t seen my therapists for 6-7 weeks, so it’s just me laying around all day.

    Sorry, but I’m feeling chitty and bytchy and am whiny. Sorry.


    1. Yeah, it costs more to travel to the place a conference is being held and the hotel room is often as much as the airfare. The cost of the conference or workshop itself is often affordable, and if it isn’t, they often have scholarships. And then, there aren’t a lot of them around these days.

      And you have to be well enough to get to it. So discouraging!

      You really shouldn’t call it whiny. You are simply telling it like it is, and putting forth the truth is a good and brave thing, not a complaint. You have enough to deal with as it is and you don’t need the added burden of putting yourself down for your emotions.


  6. Thank you so much Jean for bringing this topic up! I could write for days about this, especially now. I related to so much of what you have written about isolation and the pain behind it all. My dear friend has already commented on this topic and she has made a quick reference to being basically homeless. Well, we are homeless ,basically, together! Living in the basement of someone’s house because it came to the point that the “bad guys” finally had crossed the line in the neighborhood where we were living and it became a life and death situation for me because I’m not responding and they are refusing to let me go! So my dear friend and I had to make the move away! I’m sorry if I get off topic here but just trying to reach out for support and shed off even a thin layer of isolation but also have to be careful about what I disclose for safety reasons. It’s hard to sum up 40 plus years of S.R.A. and D.I.D. history and the growing isolation that has been building for that long! For me, isolation is both an internal problem in my system and also an outward one concerning other people. I feel, at most times, so isolated even inside my brain (which obviously contains my sets of systems) because although I know that many S.R.A. survivors have many similarities in their history, we all have our own internal structures set up in direct relation to the trauma and torture that we have endured, individually! The “bad guys” never let me make friends in the cult unless it was only to set me up for something horrific to happen to the both of us or group of us! I won’t get into those gory details. S.R.A. survivors will know what I’m talking about! The isolation continued to build and intensify! One example that I do recall of the cult wanting to make sure I was isolated started the first year I entered school at the age of four. The cult would always send at least one of their vehicles and usually more to watch me every time I went outside to recess just to make sure that I knew they were watching and that I understood that I was not to talk or play with anyone outside on the playground! So I was trained and threated form the get go to isolate and not talk because the cult could not take the chance of me leaking any of their information and what they were doing to me! I have thousands of other examples but wanted to address the outward isolation that I experience on a daily basis. The cult intentionally set me up from the get go to isolate and never to speak of their evil doings or I could be killed or someone close to me would possibly be killed! That shut me up for a very long time and still limits me to this day about what I say or don’t say. Then you add in the factor of never really learning how to trust anyone because trusting the people in the cult was nothing but a set up! So, to this day, I have a VERY limited amount of trust in other people because of the way the cult tricked and lied to me and after forty years of that mindset, it’s hard to let your guard down and say anything to anyone! Plus, most people won’t even accept the reality of what the cult is doing right under the noses of our whole world so you’re not going to find very many people to believe you when you try to tell them what you’ve been through even if you could try to let your guard down! I could say much more and will probably comment again later if that’s alright with everyone? I have to cut this short because I have to close down my computer for a short time. But I wanted to get this in real fast before closing because it’s the reason why I started this comment to begin with. Ultimately, it would be nice to be in a community with other survivors and be able to be me with no judgement, freedom to express my artistic, writing and music ambitions but that’s just not possible right now. I can still dream of that becoming a reality one day, though! But I do have this blog to go to and to comment on and was wondering if anyone would like to reach out to me and make a connection, survivor to survivor, to offer a little hope as I try to break that great big barrier of basically being and feeling isolated from the whole world?! It doesn’t feel good in my head or heart! I would gladly return the favor! Sending positive light, energy and peace of mind to any survivor struggling with the feeling of isolation, too!! I feel your pain!!! Until next time, my friends…


    1. Hi Earth! You don’t have to answer, but I’m in PA and have an extra room. Prolly nicer than a basement!
      I’d love to talk bout anything with you! Let me know here, and we,’ll figure out how we’ll communicate, k?
      Sending Light and a gentle huggg to you……


      1. Hello, Tracy! Thanks for the gentle hug! Glad to see that you got my reply and answered right away! I just noticed that this blog post was way back in November and our messages are getting buried here! But I wanted to reply to you here to let you know that I’ll be replying to you and trying to get some support for myself on the current blog post of, “Never Good Enough.” Or which ever one was the last that Jeannie posted? I’ll have to check, AGAIN because I’m so far behind. That’s why I want to update my status on newest blog post so I can try to get back on board?! Anyways, sorry Jeannie for skipping around so much here! In a nutshell, it’s the insanity of the D.I.D. and seemingly being in a constant crisis mode for far too long! Trying to work through it, though…minute to minute, at times! I think that all of us understand that to a degree?! Thank you so much Jeannie for making this blog for survivors and supporters, as well! Sending positive light and energy to anyone reading this! Peace out! Until next time…..


        1. I don;t think you are scattered, I think it’s just the way blogs are. Pple start talking to each other, and answering each other’s comments. So as time goes on it becomes harder to findIt would be just as confusing to always post your reply onthe latest post.

          Only thing I can think of doing is adding the url where you are talking to each other to your calendar or someplace else you look at frequently.


        2. Hi earth- I understand your confusion on keeping posts together and in sequence. I will tell you we are working on how to straighten it out. Which will ease our already confused brains..
          I’m trying to fined 2 posts of mine and I’m having no luck. I don’t know under what topic I put them……so I’m trying for patience. I’d like to see if there were any responses.
          I’m so glad you’ve stuck around and are contributing. It’s nice to have that sense of continuity and community.
          Are you of the Light? I’m a healer, empath, intuitive, precog…and a bunch of other stuff. I wonder if we who have suffered as we have are more prone to havi g gifts. Maybe Source said, ” I’m truly sorry you went thru the horrors, here, let me give you gifts”
          Tomorro is going to be rough. Not only is it Feast of te Beast, I have to go for a deposition. Yuck! I had a slip n fall on snow covered ice 3 yrs ago, and finally the ball is rolling. I dread being questioned nd judged. It’s too familiar…..ya know? Yuck, it’s giving me the hereby newbies.
          My cat Loves my putter when I’m on it! He’s so frustrating!, Pet me now Ma! I don’t care if you can’t see the screen…..
          Any animals in your household? I think a house is lifeless unless there is a dog or cat mo ing around.
          I’m going to search thru the threads, see if I can find my stuff.
          Have a Blessed evening, be safe tomoro, and be careful if you are in the snow belt area. We’re supposed to get about 6 in tonite! YAY! I love watching the snowfall in the evening.
          K, talk soon. Hugggssss


  7. The feeling of isolation is definitely understandable, even from the perspective of someone who’d not a RA/MC survivor. I learned about RA/MC through working in an AFC crisis home, but no longer work there. I’ve always had dreams and aspirations of building community. Despite that, I’m more isolated than ever. It’s likely because the town I live in is pretty rural and not as progressive as it could be. Not much to do. Through working in “mental health” I thought of how the AFC community living scenario could be different, because I didn’t feel that the Community Mental Health services in my area were effective. I came from a holistic mindset rather than a allopathic way even before learning about the mental health “community”. I could go on and on about that.

    To make a long story short, I discovered “Mad in America” and read about peer support respite homes. There’s a place called Another Way in Vermont that piqued my interest. It’s more of a community center, but looks really neat.

    I know of a RA/MC therapist who has a license to practice in my state who was involved in a crisis home years ago and said that there were so many RA victims who came there on difficult dates. It’s part of how she learned about RA. At any rate, I believe in community and would absolutely love to get involved with something of this nature. My roommate and I are homeless right now, just moved out of the house we were renting for various reasons. Anyone wanna start a community? ::grins::


    1. What is AFC?

      Back in the old days, there were some of us who wanted to start an RA B&B just to let pple in crisis (or just worn out) have a place to come. Cause it would need money, and we didn’t have much, it stayed a dream.

      I’d love to see you start a community or commune?


      1. An AFC home is an adult foster care home. Basically here in Michigan it’s part of the Community Mental Health “program”. Eww. I don’t like that word. Anyways, I got a job at this home, which was a crisis home, for temporary respite if someone was having a bad time emotionally, or had just gotten out of the psych ward. We had a long term RA/MC survivor there and another at one of the other AFC homes that this company managed. Some people didn’t take the time to understand, the Community Mental Health people don’t want to touch RA/MC, and I dove in head first reading all I could about the topic because I developed strong supportive relationships with these survivors. One of them called me the “house hawk” because I actually stayed up all night on third shift instead of SLEEPING on the job like some of the workers did (they weren’t supposed to). I went out with them if they smoked cigarettes and watched them to make sure they didn’t walk off or get accessed, etc.

        And the therapist I mentioned actually was involved with a safe house, not a crisis home. Apparently she started to learn about RA/MC back then because she was seeing the same thing surface with people going to the place she worked during difficult dates.

        A B&B would be lovely wouldn’t it? Yes, the community dream. I love the idea of gardening, growing food and being self-sufficient. It started out as a dream of an artist community and then morphed into an all encompassing idea that included psychiatric survivors. Gosh the Mad In America website helped validate what I was feeling on a spiritual and emotional level relative to the psychatric system. I’m just not like most normal people, lol! There’s a whole movement of psychiatric survivors “Mad Pride” it’s called. Pretty cool. I’m not a psychiatric survivor, but I very easily could have gotten caught into that snare because I have had some unusual spiritual experiences that could have been “labeled” with some sort of diagnosis. They have a diagnosis for everything these days. At any rate, I could go on and on and rant a lot. Thanks for the space to babble!


        1. American Friends Committee came to mind, I don’t know why. Adult foster care makes more sense.

          I don;t think there are safe houses fro RA survivors any more, or if there are, they keep very quiet, and few regular safe houses will accept them if they are honest. Too scary!

          We really aren’t all that frightening and usually hurt ourselves far more often than others. And only a tiny fraction of interactions between survivors end badly.

          Thanks for telling me about Mad Pride. Sounds great!

          You know, you could combine artists and survivor-artists. Lots of survivors are incredible artists.


          1. Well if I can develop some products and make a million bucks on Creative Market (a recent dream of mine) I would definitely foster a community with lots of land and beautiful spaces that nurture creativity and freedom of expression.

            😀🐿 Ok so I’m on my phone in the WordPress app and am testing emoji, lol! 🕊


            1. THIS IS EMBARRASSING!

              Can anybody tell me how to make a comment? I can reply to pples’ comments, but I don’t know how to make a comment of my own. I see where I can ‘like” a post, but not comment.


            2. You have to scroll down to the bottom of the page after all of the comments to get past the threaded replies. Also about the emojis it appears that they only work from a phone type of device that supports emojis in the keyboard from what I gather.


            3. Also, it may behave differently (the comment reply box) if you reply from a message that’s clicked on a link from an email. I’m not certain about that though. Before I left the comment above, I clicked from an email link and it said “Reply to Jean”.

              I’m not absolutely certain, but see the url-address-hyperlink in my browser is

              Whereas the plain address to the post would be

              Next time a comment comes through (I’m subscribed to comments) I will examine it or reply to test it out. Lol getting all obsessively nerdy about it now. Anyways I will try and figure it out.


        2. Star! Hi! I’m just reading this now and saw you have had some interesting spiritual experiences. Are you out Astral Traveling again?! Or maybe your way up there on a realm with Aliens? Hmm?

          I think it’s great! I’m a sensitive, healer, empath, pre-cog, telepath, etc,etc. Was told all my life I was a healer by different psychics and sensitives, but never fully understood til bout 4 yrs ago. When the door opened, it swung wide and it’s fabulous, except for the empathic part.
          On the other hand it can be challenging. Because of my past abuse, people say I have holes in my barriers and that I don’t know my truth. Confused by that one. I didn’t get much time with my mentor and I’m currently just wandering. My alters get in the way of meditations…..they just won’t leave me alone and sticking to regular practices is pretty much non-existent.
          I’m very tired and discombobulated right now, so I’ll stop. But I hope we can talk more!
          Blessings of Love, Light and Serenity


        1. That would be so wonderful!!! We could be together on the hardest of days, and maybe on some of those days where we can catch our breath, too.

          I’m sorry you were alone for Christmas, feeling desperate. I hope you made it though and that the New Year’s wasn’t as hard. I’m thinking it might have made it worse that I was away and couldn’t even approve your comment. I imagine you felt abandoned, and hope that it will help a little to know I came back like I said I would.


          1. Ok, finally writing. Where to start? Before Xmas, I was caring for an old school buddy with lung cancer. I got verbal abuse, not much sleep and not compensated. I worked my arse off for him. When I would leave, I’d cry, scream or go home and sleep all day. Then id get a call at 3am with him in crisis begging me to come back down. And I would, stupid me. This went on for a month, then we finally got him into the hospital. His sodium had dropped so low, he was talking crazy.
            And, after all that, I haven’t heard a word. He’s shut me out, after all I did. Feeling used, abused, hurt n angry. And I can’t stop thinking about him, it hits me in my heart. He’s still alive, but I don’t exist anymore.
            Christmas sucked. No family, no cards, visitors, presents, nothing. I didn’t even get out of bed to see Santa arrive on the fire trucks.
            New Years Eve was the same. No invites, no calls…I don’t exist.
            Cancelling therapy appts cos what’s the use.
            My dishes piled in sink since before Xmas. House is a mess. Who cares. Life sucks.
            Hope you had a nice time Jean. Glad to see you back.


            1. That sucks toad tits. I wish I had been here to send you a card, or to have approved your comments so hopefully others would see your pain and reach out to you.

              I remember how the man with lung cancer treated you, and it was appalling. Maybe it was the sodium, or something else, but whatever it was it was horrendous. Still, you felt he was your charge and of course you feel abandoned by him. Because you WERE abandoned.

              You do exist, like it or not. You exist to me, Tracy, you really do. Could I possibly talk you into doing one nice thing for yourself and one nice thing for the house every day? Then you could snarl “Jean made me do this” and maybe feel a little more real.

              And the point of therapy? You never know until you go.

              I hope you keep us posted.


            2. Jean!! Toad t*ts!!!!! Where did that come from?!! Aren’t us old bitches supposed to be of pure mouth n thought?!
              I’m in a bad state. I have 4 things planned for next week. Two of which are legal. One is talking over what I’m to say at the deposition, which is #2..happening on Weds the 17th. Perfect! My insiders will be all riled up cos of the holiday, and they’ll also be remembering the questioning/examinations we went thru our whole life. Lord I hate trial and lawyers. I’m shaking , have been shaking since I got the notice. It’s over a fall I took, on ice, back in 2015.
              I can’t handle too many things in a week. I panic.
              On to the best news……….my therapist went to ONE conference where they have decided that RA peeps aren’t programmed. Nope, never happened. That’s it why I react e anytime I see the numbers 1234 on a clo k, or the number 36 when called playing BINGO. No, my eyes don’t go blurry if that number is called…….no, I don’t stop short, not breath and stare at the clock that’s reading 12:34. Nope. Guess it’s all in my head, just making it up. Or when I hear a certain exhaust sound from certain cars, I don’t feel one of my alters growing and getting ready to kill the mofo’s that are driving. Consciously I can’t explain it, but it happens. But, ya know, one study says there is no programming done and she buys it. It reminds me of the False Memory Syndrome that therapists chose to believe. Pretty, until the daughter of the founder came out and accused said founder of molesting her.
              It pisses me off. I’ve gone from being a MPD to a DID to PTSD to a Non specified, non psychotic mental disorder. Remember folks, use the last diagnosis if you are ever at therapy, doctors, legal….anything like that. Totally legit, in the DSM and it covers such a huge variety of afflictions, noone will ever know what disorxer you have. That piece of info was given to me from my awesome, since passed, shrink/therapists who was one of the top in my state and surrounding states.
              So now her course of action says we just have to talk to those alters who were programmed and find out what happened. That’s all. They haven’t made themselves known for 30yrs, but no problem, I’ll just call them on up and well have a chat.
              These unknown alters who hold the “conditioning” AND the orders to kill or suicide, will gladly poke there heads out now that we ‘know we weren’t programmed. Easy peasy.
              I went along with it and got into my “state” where I search for alters, and a new one pops up, Joey. He’s like a ri g leader. He yelled out to the dark side, “Ya hear that guys?! We weren’t programmed, we were co ditioned! We can all just come out and tell our stories! Got that guys?!!” He was sarcastic as he’ll, laughing the whole time. He then told her there were 36 alters she’s gonna have to talk too. Joey was also starting to remember a new memory, being down in a deep hole, looking up at the people yelling at him while they ‘unloaded’ things on him.
              36 more alters and memories to uncover.

              I want to drink. I want to get high. I want out of my head and body.

              I’ll try Jean, not tonite….maybe tomoro


            3. Well, I think toad tits are pretty pure…purely wonderfully creative!

              Can you postpone the deposition? Or would you rather just get it over with? I hate trials and lawyers and courtrooms, too. But keep telling yourself you aren;t on trial, somebody else is and hopefully it will be deemed to be their fault and you will get tons of money.

              I like Joey from what I hear about him! Wonder what he would think of this … just came into my head…

              Programming is a cover word for the real word that names what was done. But that word is only disclosed to select pple! And it will never appear on the DSM, no matter what the edition. So there.

              Actually, many pple who call themselves deprogrammers say that if you remember the details of what they did when they programmed you to do X then X will lose all power over you. It sounds re-traumatizing to me. Also very time consuming to go over all the set-ups that led to 1234, 36, and all the other numbers and words and sounds that trigger you into wanting to do (or doing) something specific they wanted you to do it would take a very long time. There has to be an easier way.

              That’s why I like to think of it as being having been brought into a trance through sheer pain and terror and then being given a post-hypnotic suggestion. To me, it sounds less mysterious and I am already confident that I don’t have to follow post-hypnotic suggestions due to several unsuccessful attempts to be hypnotized into not smoking. This works for me: you might find there is a way to reframe what they did, or told you they did, so that you have more power and they have less.

              Did you know that a couple of FMSF Board members were CIA? They are dead now. Probably that’s why they are quieter – they lost their government funding.


            4. Hi Jean…is your nose itching? I’m about to go down to clean the cat box. My cat let’s me know when it needs cleaning by lightly grabbing my arm and tugging on it. It’s interesting how we’ve learned how to communicate.
              I know a lot about the False Memory Foundation here in Philly. How? Cos daddy was one of the members and largest contributor! Gee, amazing huh?
              When he died of heart attack, i recanted all my accusations of what he did and called the foundation to let them kmow. The secretary was very familiar with him and couldnt stay on the phone cos she was hysterical crying.
              In our group in Philly, it quickly shut down after the daughter of the founder accused him publicly of his abuse.
              CIA involvement…..of course, no shocker there…
              Does 4am count for today’s doing something for myself? I had a wicked headache before heading to bed and tried meditating on relieving it. I actually got rid of it! And, I had no interference from the alters. Pretty cool if you ask me.
              I hear what your saying about the conditioning. Kinda sound’s like it’s just changing the wording. Whatever the word, my therapist says we still have to find all the alters to hear their story. Why can’t we have a laser zapper and go in and Zap all the memories and alters away?! To be free from all this…to have a quiet mind…no more panic attacks, depression…to actually live a peaceful, serene life…..
              I don’t think that’s asking too much. My alters are scared hearing me say that. They think I’m going to kill them all. Don’t worry guys, I’m not going to get rid of you, just the yucky stuff.
              BTW….toad t*ts aren’t clean! They live in mud!!! 😛
              Off to clean cat boxes……my one house thing I have to do!


            5. Yes, 4 AM getting over a headache counts and the alters deserve a big thank you for helping! And cleaning cat boxes counts for a nice thing for the house. Which reminds me…break for cleaning my litter boxes.

              From what I have heard or read, all alters that were there when the original trauma took place need to be healed of it. Otherwise, say, you no longer have visual flashbacks but still have audio ones if one alter saw and another heard. Or is alters took turns bearing the torture, they all would need release from their suffering.

              But I have known pple who haven’t done this and still no longer have vivid flashbacks. For me, the days of vivid flashbacks are over, but I still remember the content of those flashbacks. There is plenty I haven’t remembered or worked through. But the events I worked through were important enough and, I think early enough that more was not needed. It’s like you don’t have to remember every single rape or every single time you were tied up. They were similar enough that one can stand for all of them. Am I making any sense?

              My toads take a little bath in the pond if they get dirty.


            6. Pffft! Toads don’t like baths! It makes them break out!!!
              I’ve been super manicky today. Don’t know what’s going on. BUT, because of the manicky, you got me on a roll. I did some of the dishes, put my coats away, made one pile of presents, gathered all the plastic bags, clipped Tuxs nails and groomed him, put away a mile of electric cord that I had shoved behind the console, straightened up grocery bags…….that’s enuf for a week! I call I get one day off, at least.

              Doing something for myself…….hmm, that’s harder. Will work on that..

              I understand about retrieving memories. The idea bout how many alters that went thru the same thing kinda bothered me. Simply because thinking about how many suffered hurts.
              I’m getting and accepting this conditioning concept better. It’s actually the same thing, breaking you down so you’ll comply, but conditioning is a softer word.
              Thank Jean. Your understanding and knowledge is very helpful. Blessings


  8. Oh I remember feeling like the ‘outsider’ kid. I just couldn’t understand what normal reactions where, I was never this carefree kid and I couldn’t figure out why.
    Thank you for writing this, even though we live far apart I feel like there is this unmistaken connection.
    I’m sorry you feel isolated, it is such a heavy lonely feeling. I hope you can find people through here that are close enough to meet in person.


  9. I have a brilliant idea. There must be clusters of blog followers who live fairly near each other. If pple were interested in meeting F to F, we could post our location, or you could email it privately to me.

    If there were four or more pple within commuting distance, and if somebody were willing to organize it, we could get support groups going!


    1. I love that idea Jean! I stated earlier in one of my ramblings that I would love to even talk on the phone with another survivor.

      Im going to start the snowball……..

      I live in Pa. I’m 45mins North of Philly.

      Hows that for starters? If we find someone close by and feel comfortable with said person, then we can be more specific, via here or sharing emails.

      If people accept this….it would mean so much to me and mine.I NEED all of you!!!!

      I’d like to clarify the term ‘snowball’ from above. [ don’t know if the word is a trigger for anyone] if you take a snow ball and start rolling it in the snow, it gets bigger and bigger. It keeps collecting the other snow around it…..!
      LOL, sorry, I was just thinking we could call ourselves Snowballs…..I know, im strange!! But it makes sense for us, doesn’t it? We started out as a snowflake, and then gathered more ‘snow’.ie alters, insiders, etc. And , the little icons you use for us Jean, they look like snowflakes!

      My insiders are really liking this. they are laughing and giggling, thinking of snow falls, making snow angels, having fun in the snow as a young child should have been allowed.
      Josh thinks we should use it as a secret code…..he’s 7 and full of life. He loves being army man and likes spy kind of play. He really wants everyone to think its a great idea and then we could all play together and play and get cold and get our boots all icy and come in from the snow covered in it with our hats and coats covered in it. To find out if they are good and light siders, you have to ask “are you a snowflake”? Then we could let them come in and be safe. Tracys face is smiling and we feel good inside. shes all fidgety now, happy good kind of fidgety. Yes, she helped me write this so every snowflake could understand. i don’t do too good writing on my own but i’m fun to talk to! i protect the lightside. im good.if anybody wants to talk to me i would sure like it!


      1. I could make a dust angel most of the year. Or maybe a sand angel!

        I can’t arrange anything until after Thanksgiving, which isn;’t so far away. II think it is way cool and neat and rad and all those good things that pple want to talk together!


        1. Yay! Hi Snowflakes! I’m doing ok today but I had a hell of a time these past 3 days. Crying, depression, self harm thoughts, panic attacks. My age and holidays without my family……it’s hitting me hard. I’m also grieving over my soulmate who took his life a couple of years ago. Lord I miss him.
          May everyone have the best day they can tomorrow. Blessings.


          1. I’m sorry it was that hard for you. And so sorry your soul mate is gone and cannot console you any more. How awful to have to lose him that way. I hope that, now that Thanksgiving is over, you can breathe again.


      2. tracy, I live about 45 minutes from philly in MONT. county. I do not feel comfortable sharing my therapist name. She is about 45 minutes from my house. I am in a support group, but not for RA. It is for sexual abuse called SIA, and I am involved with them, and there are many RA survivors in that group. There is a meeting in Philadelphia. (several meetings). I think it is


        1. I live in bucks co!! Grew up in Montgomery. No problem with not sharing what your not comfortable. Good for you! You’re taking a stand for yourself.
          Would you feel comfortable asking your therapist if she could contact me somehow? My therapist has never dealt with this before and I’m tired of being the teacher!
          Does she accept medicare/Medicaid?

          I have been very pissy with my therapist ever since the whole programming /conditioning thing came to light. And I read that the alters formed from that will start cancelling appts, get mad, try to alienate, drive her away…….And that’s definitely what they are doing. We’ve gotten mad at her and walked out of session. Been confrontational, sarcastic, bytchy to her. Telling her we’re quitting. Must not be very pleasant for her…..😔

          And I’m not doing it intentionally. She might say one word and we will go off on her. A real smart arse will come out and just not let up on her, being sarcastic and what not.


          1. Hi Tracy: I can tell my therapist about you, however she is semi retired *she is 76 years old), and does not take medicare, or Medicaid. She is cash, and I pay her 225.00 a week, which is crazy. I do house cleaning for a living just to pay for therapy. She only works part time now, but she understands DID. There is another therapist who I also love (and I use when my therapist is away) in Flourtown, PA. She also knows about RA/DID, and also does EMDR. I absolutely love her too and if my therapist retires, I would definitely see her. Are you near Flourtown? I am close to Bucks County. Do you know where Parkland is, or Bensalem?


        2. Arrghhh, I just wrote you and my lovely cat decided to sit on my pad and I lost the reply.
          I grew up in willow grove! We’re neighbors! Even those I don’t know exactly where you are, it’s comforting to know there is someone close by.
          I applaud you for not wanting to tell me your therapists name. You took control. Good job!

          My current therapist has never worked with SRA before. And I’m tired of being the teacher! Ever since Dr Rea passed,, I can’t find a therapist who knows about us. Does she accept Medicare/Medicaid?

          I’d like to ask if you would be comfortable asking if she could take on another client. If she would, could she contact me someway? We are working on a different way of communicating via email so we can have private convos that the public can’t get to. It will hopefully flow better too, with replies being in order.

          Ever since the programming/conditioning came to light, its been tough on my therapist. She told me what could happen with the alters getting angry, trying to alienate her, wanting to quit therapy, etc…..and its all happening. Ive walked out of zession, she may say sometbing and a very sarcastic alter will start on her. Its been pretty ghastly.

          I’ve been to a survivors group in Philly. A large group, but not much RA talk went on. My friend and I would go to the meeting, then go to the Mann Center at halftime catching the Philly orchestra. What a lovely memory.

          Thank you for sharing the website. Will have to check it out. I went to a couple of Asia meetings in Horsham….what a disaster. They didn’t want to hear anything about RA.

          Thank you for getting back to me. It makes me feel….heard and accepted.

          Tracy & co


            1. I live very close to Willow Grove. That is neat that there are people near me who get it. I just had some lung nodules (had a cat scan), not cancerous but they will have to keep an eye on them. Now my doctor wants me to see a GYN. That is extremely triggering for me. I am going to have to psych myself up to do it. I have not been to a GYN or had any tests done to me in over 15 years. Doctors are so very triggering. Sorry for venting, I know this is not the subject. Just needed somebody to understand or get it.


          1. I would love to talk to you privately. You are heard, and I understand fully about teaching therapists about RA. Sometimes my therapist is aghast at what I tell her. She does understand, but she just cannot imagine how I survived it all. I live very close to Horsham. There are not many support groups for RA that I know about, but I do know when I go to the SIA retreats, there are many RA survivors there. I go to a meeting on Thursday evening in Roxborough. Its a good meeting. Would love to chat if we can find a way


            1. Hi !, so good to hear from you. Not much action going on in the blog, or I must missed them.
              Your HS was our rival football team! Smash those Hatters!!
              Yes, I would love to talk too. Think we need to talk about limits and such. I don’t want any triggering happening. With the one girl I met in River Oaks, we only used one word to see if we shared the same kinds of abuse.
              My Josh really wants to play! Or just talk, he’s my most verbal kid and is fun! Do you have any rambunctious 7yr olds who wants to talk or play? How many alters do you have?
              What are these retreats you speak of? Very interesting to hear what they do.
              Have you live in Horsh all your life?
              How long have you known about your abuse? Ive always said i got out at 15, after fulfilling my duty, but we’re questioning the age now. It seems like alot of survivors say the same age, so we’re thinking it might have been programmed.
              OK, something weird is going on . This is the second time it’s happened. I went back to edit where I say “programmed”, and the word “threatened” popped in . I didn’t type it. Freaks me out. The other time the words ” faking it” inserted itself.
              K, I’m pretty freaked right now. How can that be happening? I didn’t hit wrong keys and no loss of time.
              Gonna cut this short to stop this impending panic attack.
              Will talk again
              Be well


            2. It’s okay!!! Instead of that alter taking over the body, so you lose time, you two are sharing. Progress! A little freaky until you get used to it, but definitely progress.

              When you think of it, programming is done through threats and torture. And threats are psychological violence, psychological torture.

              You guys make me want to track down some SIA meetings and see if there are any of us there, and “out.”


            3. No.! I’m not sharing! I didn’t get near the letter ‘p’ so someone could sneak a memory or word in. F*ck!!
              It’s happened when I was talking about FMS, that’s when “faking it”……written just like that, showed up. And then “threatened was inserted next to programming.
              I’m not doing it! Nor is an alter.
              Another odd thing on typing on my pad on the blog….My keys get stuck. Then they type out what I’ve said. It doesn’t happen anywhere else. Not on any other sites. I can type a whole sentence, no clicking sound as I type, then it finally scrolls out.

              OK, I’m panicking. I tried too brush off the faking it part, but just minutes ago with the threatened, I’m freaked. It’s been a weird day all day. I haven’t left my bed since the morning. Not eaten, nothing. Trying deep breathing. I hate fking panic atttacks!!! Why, at this age do I still have to go thru this.?..?? And new memories surfacing? It’s ridiculous! How come we suffer our whole lives? I always said my dad f*coed me as a kid and he’s still f*king me over??

              People say you choose the life you will have. Bullitt! Who or why would anyone choose this lice.??

              God, I wish connection were made so I could talk/bytchy about this. It’s not calming me down writing this. I’m not f*going drawing! F*go! Where is our commune when you really need it.?!?!

              I gotta try to get out of this state of panic and fear an paranoia. Fuck!


            4. I’m sorry I misunderstood. Not done on purpose to mess with you. I picked an obvious explanation and it seems more complicated. I often think computers are scientient (sp?) on some level and not always regarding me kindly.

              When somebody says I chose this life, I wonder why they chose such a cushy life. Frankly, I think it is random – no choice involved, not before conception, not before birth, not during childhood.


            5. I reacted to your opinion cos I don’t want alters popping in like that. I’m unaware of it and I don’t like it. I always prided myself on never being …….gawd, I can’t even think of words right now…..I always thought I was coconscious with my alters. No lost time, alters popping out of nowhere. But that’s being proven wrong too much. Especially gaining n new alters whom I never who react threatening- such as the guy who started having a fit when we heard the two gears racing by. That alter was cursing, screaming and wanted to kill the drivers!

              It’s been about months of worsening anxiety and isolation. Frequent panic attacks, depression. Shouldn’t we be over all that?! When can we be free??
              It’s been since an accumulation of things I believe. I’m still not dead, they don’t like that. Learning of the programming/conditioning. Talking with fellow survivors. I could always still think it really didn’t happen to me, but after hearing so many peeps telling my story, my abuse…it’s a shocker and confirmation I didn’t make it up. Sucks toad t*It’s big time!!

              When you have time, please explain the melding of an alter n myself, allowing the alter to get thru.

              Please don’t apologize for your responses. I need to hear opinions. I over reacted due to my current state of mind


            6. Okay. But remember I can be wrong at times!

              I read a book my Adam Crabtree called “Multiple Minds” and written many years ago. One simile has really stuck with me.

              The mind is a stage, and actors (alters) are standing in the wings waiting to come on stage. There can be more than one actor on stage at a time. There is a spotlight, and when the spotlight is on an alter that one is “out.” If that actor leaves the spotlight, and another comes into it, there has been a switch.

              Two or more alters in the spotlight are sharing the body and may be co-conscious or not. I guess that is what is called “blending.”

              If only one actor is in the spotlight, but another one is right behind whispering cues, or saying things that aren’t in the script, that alter is “speaking through” the one who is “out.” Or maybe this is blending.

              If I think too much about these things, I get confused!

              On to you. It sounds to me that for a long time you had worked with many of your alters and were stable and co-conscious with them. For all that hard work, you are being rewarded (hah) by having another layer open up to you, with alters or parts you have not yet met and who you haven’t worked out a mutually agreeable way of communicating.

              Healing isn’t a straight line, it’s more like an ascending spiral. Do some work, catch your breath, go on to work at a deeper level, catch your breathe, go on…you get the idea. When things come together, it’s really worth all the hard work and suffering. In the meantime, it;s one foot in front of the other.


            7. Being Rewarded. GREAT! I’ll stick to my WaWa Rewards, thank you very much……
              You wrote that well. I don’t want to go thru another flippin’ layer but I feel that’s what’s happening.
              Lord give me strength!


            8. Yeah, I get it. Anyway, it’s better to know what is going on than be in total baffled ignorance.

              And if it is any consolation, once you get to know the angry ones, they can become the most wonderful helpers. It’s the getting to know part that is REALLY hard!


        3. Hi Kathy! I haven’t heard back from you. You doing ok? I asked you alot of questions, hope that didn’t scare you.
          You said you wanted to talk. What means would you feel comfortable with? Via texts, emails, phone?
          We don’t have to talk bout our crappy years. We could just talk bout the weather! 😊
          Get back to me when you can, k?


          1. hi Tracy: I am sorry I did not see all the emails, I am behind. I am not one to not respond. You did not scare me, I have good boundaries, and have learned to trust my instincts. What feels right to me inside, to honor that instead of do what I was taught, and tell myself I am wrong. It is sometimes difficult because I never want to hurt people. I thought I answered your questions, but Ill have to go back and look. I told you I would tell my therapist about you, told you where about I live, and I don’t remember what else you asked me. but again I may have missed an email, I am behind. You did nothing wrong, no worries. I also have had the cold from hell that is going around and it seems to be hanging on.


            1. Hey Kathy, Sorry to hear bout you being sick. It’s been an awful year with different bugs going around. I never know if I’m really sick or not..My parents never believed me, thought I was faking it. One time I had pulled my back at work, left work to come home to lay down. When I woke I couldn’t move,, in horrible pain. Called out to mom for help, but she was busy cleaning the tub. I had to crawl to the phone and drive myself to docs. Another time I was thrown from a horse. I banged myself up really bad. Called to get a ride home n Dad wouldn’t come, made me walk a mile home. Soon as they saw me, they took me to ER. Ended up spending 2 nites there. But I was just faking it…….thanx ma n pa!

              It’s cool you can trust your instincts. I sort of do, but always 2nd guess. I’d say I’m 50/50 on good outcomes when I go with mine,!

              Would you like to use email so can talk more freely?

              Blessings to you. Healing energy coming your way,!


  10. On isolation, I have a wild thought. I once watched a very touching docudrama about two activist semi-communist women who were living in a retirement home in La I believe that had only activists in it. So one was in a wheelchair and the other would take her to rallies and other events with their signs and their friendship. I do not know your financial resources but wouldn’t it be nice to have a retirement place of ritual abuse people? Similar issues and aging problems etc. One problem already is that you would probably write the newsletter, do social work etc. But I find such relief in being cared for at times as contrasted to being the caregiver. Jes sayin Karen



    1. It sure would!!!!!!! Watching the LGBTQ community bring their own nursing homes to a reality makes me want one, right now.

      Even with dementia, I bet we would understand each other better than others understood us. Of course, we would have to select the staff and have much input into writing the procedures, etc.

      But if society says RA doesn’t exist or is extremely rare, why should they bother funding one? I really doubt if there would even be support for a DID facility. And DID is, unfortunately, between 1% and 2% of the population (forget the place I read that.) And we, as a group, are unemployed, underemployed, and, if employed, our jobs aren’t real secure.

      Anybody have the time and skills to try and get something going?



      1. K, you have my wheels spinning about a center for RA survivors. We can’t say retirement home, not all of us is li,e us Jean!
        Funding- first thing I thought of was Roseanne Barr., the actress. She is DID. Another is Charlize Theron(sp). She watched her father shoot n kill her mother. We need a plan. Lots of plans and things to present to people to fund us.
        Where would we have it? Seems everyone is on one coast or the other.
        I think a good amount should be self sustainable. Havi g our own garden, raise our own chickens, etc. Get involved with a co-op for trading goods. Wind and solar power.
        Extensive planning..before we ask people to fund us.
        If any of you recall, Robin Williams did a movie about such a place, but it was medically based. Was it him treati g patients with Marijuana? Or Aids patients? Hopefully someone remembers.
        Jean, would you kindly start a new thread regarding this so we can all brainstorm please?
        Maybe having a motor home that some of us could live in and travel to peers having troubles?
        My mind is in my PR stage. Let’s keep tossing around ideas……


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