Beltane is the worst day of the year for me. It’s more than just an excuse for an orgy; it is a cruel parody of the beauty of spring, a negation of abundant life force. Old guys raped little kids as well as any women that caught their eye. And the young guys followed suit. There were always a couple who looked miserable, and I hope they got out, remembered, and started their healing journey.
Actually, I wish they all could have remembered and come to their senses. It would have meant the end of this insanity.
I always wonder what happens to babies born on May Eve or Beltane. I have known one survivor born on Beltane, so they didn’t all get killed, as I fear.
I don’t remember any babies at the ritual. That is because, in our cult, children were not allowed at rituals until they could “behave.” Instead, they were trained to be obedient, to be amnesic, to be sexual, and to kill. Those who trained the children – both men and women – did not have high status, but they were good at what they did and seemed to enjoy the work.
Some cults call children conceived on Beltane “spawn of Satan.” In our cult, they were considered special – it would make sense that any child of Satan would be pretty special. Just a few days ago, I put two and two together and realized my father could well have been conceived on Beltane. He was born a bit less than nine months later, a couple of days before Candlemas. He didn’t look at all like my grandfather, although his brother did. Well, I shall never know, for there is no way I can ask my grandmother, is there?
So here I am, feeling sad, angry, and afraid. Those feelings are absolutely appropriate for a Satanic cult survivor on May Eve but at odds with a sunny spring day. Flowers are blooming all over, and the wind is rustling through trees that are starting to leaf out. I look out the window at the gorgeous big street trees, wishing I had taken a picture of them every spring to track their growth. There is still so much beauty in the world, despite a surplus of ugliness.
I hope all of you are safe today and will stay safe through Beltane, through the rest of summer, and through the rest of your lives. I wish for your pain to ease and for you to find your place in your own post-cult world.
Life may still be hard and painful, but it will never be as bad as when you were a powerless little kid surrounded by huge violent grown-ups constantly lying to you, tricking you, deceiving you, and hurting your body, mind, heart, and soul in every conceivable way. You have survived your childhood. You are resilient, strong, and creative.
May you come through this Beltane with renewed hope and strength.
Did I tell you he has thrown away his winter coat and is wearing his beautiful soft new summer coat? So pretty!
He has also learned how to drink from a water faucet. I let the faucet in the bathroom sink drip slowly, and he contorts himself to get every last drop. When he straightens out for a moment, the water falls on the top of his head and surprises him. He shakes himself and goes back for seconds.
I’m tempted to get him a drinking fountain of his own, but all the ones I have found are ugly plastic things that you have to clean all the time and keep supplied with filters to keep mold from growing. Why bother? He seems pleased enough with this free, low-tech set-up.
Sunlight Lives. I love this blog, especially the gentle healing story. https://sunlightlives.wordpress.com/
The videos of the RA/MC panel presented at last year’s Social Justice and Human Trafficking Conference are at: Part 1 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855pdTCJ4_s and Part 2 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4asQx4cecI
The GrassRoots’ April Newsletter is ready. To be added to the mailing list, send your request to: https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/contact-us/
Survivorship 2023 Online Conference
Clinician’s Conference – Friday, May 19 – Survivors’ Conference – Saturday and Sunday, May 20 – 21
Researching Ritual Abuse and Mind Control in Art and Literature: One Art Historian’s Journey – Lynn Brunet PhD
The Effects of Social Movements on Survivor Support Systems and Survivor Recovery – Neil Brick
The History of Ritual Abuse and the Effects of Social Trends on the Therapeutic Profession – Neil Brick
How to Create a Successful Recovery Path for Disassociated Survival Skills and DID – Shelby Rising Eagle
The Enmeshment of the British False Memory Society and the British Psychological Society. – Dr. Rainer Hermann Kurz
Child Trafficking through Family Court Proceedings: A UK Case Study – Dr. Rainer Hermann Kurz
Some Evidence-Based Practice Guidelines and Standards Relevant to the Psychological Care of Extreme Abuse Survivors– Dr. Randall Noblitt
Creating Calm – Patricia Quinn
Programmed and Internal Psychological Mechanisms that Perpetuate the Cycle of Extreme Abuse – Ellen P. Lacter, Ph.D.