Healing from Ritual Abuse

I belong to a support group for RA/MC survivors that, once a month, spends part of our meeting writing. We are given a word or a phrase as a prompt and then we write as fast as we can for ten minutes. When the time is up, we share what we wrote.

Past prompts have been shame, inside my mind, and out the window. This week it was healing.

I’d like to share what I wrote because I find this format encourages a richness of content and emotion that a neat little blog entry doesn’t always offer.

healing is a rainbow
     One color is black
     One is red
     One is clear for tears

healing is a mystery
     how does it happen?
     What sets it off?

healing is not a good simile
     you heal from a broken bone
     you heal from a disappointment

but how can you possibly heal from
          ritual abuse
          being sold
          being a killer

these things are lifelong
     if you are lucky they didn’t
     physically happen all your life

but the scars and brokenness
          in your body
          in your mind
          in your heart
Go on and on and on forever

I say “learn to live with my past
in a different way”

that is –
     I know some things that happened
     to me – not all, but some

I know and say, yes that is so
that is true that is awful

I can see the path from what
     happened to what is – sometimes
     not all the time but sometimes

I can be with people, be at ease
     with people
with people like me – not always,
     but a lot
with others, less so, but still
     Sometimes, not always
          even with strangers
          even with men

thinking of what I have written
     healing is sometimes not always
     but sometimes

It’s the rough path from the then to the now and on to – what?

It’s just a word, a bridge to
     others I use the word because
     others do – not always, but
     sometimes

It’s an on and off thing
     sometimes I am walking on
     this path, not always but sometimes
     Sometimes not

It seems like a path of time

~~~~~~~~~~ 

The possibility, the beginning of several poems are hidden here. Will they emerge into full fledged poems? I don’t know. I don’t write poems. They use me to get written and I have no control over when they come. I can only wait and see.

What impresses me most about what I wrote is that whatever mysterious thing that happens is not under my conscious control. If it were, I would be working on it all the time, and I would see the results all the time. It would be a linear process.

But things go on below the surface that I am not aware of and then, when it is time, they rise up into my consciousness, like a poem.

One day in the supermarket, I notice that I am not looking at the floor. I am looking at total strangers and smiling! I’m telling them I like their hair or asking what their tattoo means to them. I know I am enjoying myself, and I think they are, too, because they look like they are. I didn’t decide I would initiate these conversations, I didn’t add this task to my marketing list. I just did it.

Like I didn’t plan to write a poem or see it coming. I just sat down and wrote it.

When I first remembered, I didn’t set any goals. I told myself that my only job was not to kill myself. That was hard enough; I was pretty sure anything else would have been impossible. So day after night after day after night I didn’t kill myself. I just let the flashbacks wash over me.

And then one day I noticed I no longer believed the cats could read my mind or that “they” could control me through the radio if it was plugged in but silent. I saw those beliefs as flashbacks of things I had believed as a little kid because grown ups had told me so. Now I was out of flashback. When the thoughts came back, I was both in and not in flashback; I thought those things and was scared but I knew I was in flashback. That was a huge change!

And I hadn’t done anything on purpose except not kill myself.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

upcoming holidays

September

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/20 Full moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and all Angels 

October

10/11 (?) Columbus Day
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/20 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

November
11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/2 All Souls’ Day
11/4 Satanic Revels
11/11 (?) Veterans’ Day
11/18-19 Partial Lunar Eclipse
11/19 Full Moon
11/25 Thanksgiving Day (United States)
11/28 First Sunday of Advent
11/30 St Andrew’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

9/1 Start of WW2  
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement)  
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement)  
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival
10/4 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual half-birthday, 10/20, and his alternate half-birthdate six months after Easter, which falls on 4/4 this year.)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg  
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
11/9 Kristallnacht
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah  (Jewish Festival of Lights)

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

~~~~~~~~~~ 

You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinoxhttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas –  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day –  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Evehttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltanehttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Dayhttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/


Lammashttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 

How I Learned I Was Ritually Abused

First, why I got way behind on e-mail.

I’ve been without a computer for five days. I asked Apple to transfer my data from the old one onto the new one and then erase my old computer. I thought this might take a couple of hours. I am sure I was right and that the problem was scheduling the work. It probably was a lower priority than working on complicated, challenging, fascinating issues. And there was no money in it for them – these services came free when I bought the lovely new computer.

I do like it. It is extremely fast, not just on the internet, but also opening files, etc. Things are where I left them, so I can find everything easily.

One problem is that it changed some settings – guess they reverted to the default setting. I have to log into everything the first time I use it. The most annoying thing so far is that every time the screen went blank – say when I took a break to feed the cat – I had to log into my computer all over again. It turned out that it was a security setting and I could select the time span when my login was honored. It was set at one minute! I changed it to thirty minutes, and am considering changing it to eight hours. Just a lot of fussy little changes that took time to figure out and change back to what I am used to.

It was nice to be without a computer. I got some medical stuff taken care of and did some housework. I had time for projects over and above the weekly maintenance type of housework. Sorting things into piles: throw out, give away, keep in a sensible place.

I have to do this in two separate houses, one built on a one-inch-to-a-foot scale. It is impossible to throw anything out in that house. Keep – I had that as a child. Keep – I made that. Keep – that’s so cute. Keep – I know it is broken, but I can fix it with the right kind of glue.

It’s been covered with a tablecloth for years and years because cats find it fun to jump into a room and throw all the furniture onto the (big) floor. The tablecloth makes it look boring and it is now safe from attack by giant ferocious felines. Since I couldn’t play with it anymore, I would just lift the tablecloth and toss stuff into the rooms There is no organization at all by now. I know that, when I get to seriously working on it, I will make three piles, just like I do in the big house.

There will be almost nothing to throw away. There will be nothing at all to give away. And all the rest will be waiting for a sensible place, a forever home, except for those things which need washing or mending.

Who am I, at this point, to say I have no littles?

This house is extra precious to me. I built it from a kit, painted it, put up wallpaper, shingled the roof, and built a staircase to get to the second floor. The house was the trigger that brought me my first flashbacks and my first knowledge of the ritual abuse in my past. I’ll tell you the story.

It was Easter and I was alone. My husband had died and my kids were in college. The house was on the kitchen table. The construction part was complete, and it was time for carpets and furniture. There is a big room on the second floor and I had decided it should be an artist’s studio. I wanted it to be like Georgia O’Keefe’s workspace and I wanted cattle skulls on the walls, along with large paintings of close-ups of flowers.

I was in an incest survivor support group with a woman who lived on a farm with sheep. She complained about the rats in the barn – having to kill them, dispose of the bodies, and reset the traps. I asked her if she could give me a couple of dead rats. She did! She brought them to the group the next week! Now that is a good friend, in my book.

On Easter Sunday, I worked all day on the dollhouse. I decapitated the corpses (I had frozen them so they wouldn’t decay) and boiled the heads to get the skulls. It worked well, except I had not realized that the finished project would look like a sabertooth tiger skull. Oh well, why not. Artistic license, you know. I still have them.

Monday I went to therapy, all happy and bouncy. “Guess what, Mike! I bet I am the only person in the whole world who spent Easter Sunday boiling rat skulls.” Mike looked uncomfortable, shifted around in his chair, and said, “I don’t normally do this. But have you ever considered you might have been ritually abused?”

My blood ran cold. I stared at him and said, “Oh, shit.” I knew. There was no question. I just plain knew.

And then the floodgates opened and I had months and months of flashbacks.

So that is why the house is extra, extra special.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Other People’s Blogs

I think it would be great if those of us who have blogs would share them in the comments section. Those who have found blogs that they like a lot could let me know so that I can pass the information on to everybody.

I know that blogs are public and so there is no reason I can’t share them without contacting the owner. But I don’t like to mention other people’s work without asking first. It seems disrespectful to me.

Here is a blog – or bunch of blogs and sites – to start things off.

Eassurvey’s Weblog: Child Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, Dissociative Identity Disorder https://eassurvey.wordpress.com/

This started off as a blog for https://extreme-abuse-survey.org/. If you don’t know about the Extreme Abuse Surveys, they are online surveys that drew responses from all over the world. You can download pdf’s for the text and the results of all three surveys (“survivor,” “professional,” and “child.”) They are very interesting.

Over the years, its scope has expanded to include news and articles on a great many subjects pertaining to ritual abuse, mind control, and other forms of organized abuse. General categories are to the left, and more detailed categories to the right. It is curated by Neil Brick and contains much the same information as his other sites. Some of his sites are: https://ritualabuse.us, https//neilbrick.com, https://ritualabusearticles.wordpress.com,
https://www.facebook.com/childabuseresearch, and https://childabusedata.blogspot.com/.
There is also a Facebook group which shares ritual abuse and mind control news.

These sites are a great place to do research on all sorts of topics.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

More Good News about MindGeek

The German government will shut down Pornhub, YouPorn, and MyDirtyHobby (all owned by MindGeek), and XHamster because they do not follow mandated child protection procedures. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 


Upcoming Holidays

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh  
8/13 Friday the 13th  
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary  
8/22 Full Moon  
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
September
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast  
9/7 Labor Day (United States)  
9/20 Full moon  
9/22 Fall Equinox  
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
October
10/11 (?) Columbus Day
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/20 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party  
9/1 Start of WW2  
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement)  
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement)  
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival
10/4  Hitler’s alternate half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual half-birthday, 10/20, and his alternate half-birthdate six months after Easter, which falls on 4/4 this year.)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

~~~~~~~~~~ 

You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Lammashttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinoxhttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas –  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day –  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Evehttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltanehttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Dayhttps://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/



Different Ways of Knowing

* I probably won’t have any material ready for the scheduled 7/10 entry. Why? Because I am hosting our poetry reading and there is so very much to do!

Hope to see lots and lots of you there!!!!

Free Online Poetry Reading 
Saturday, July 10, 2021  
4 PM Pacific Time 
“Ritual Abuse Survivors Read Their Poems of Suffering and Healing”

Register at  
https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/ritual-abuse-survivors-read-their-poems-of-suffering-and-healing-tickets-154638336427

How to prepare for the reading:
2. Choose a comfortable place
3. Stock up on tea, soft drinks, and munchies
4. Add important extras, like Kleenex and stuffies

Tips:
1. Mute your microphone unless you are speaking during the Q&A period.
2. If you don’t want to be seen, hover over your image and click the three little dots. Choose “Hide Self.” To turn your image back on, click the “View” button, then click “Show Self View” on the menu.
3. You can change the name displayed on your video. Click on the “Participants” icon (two heads with a number next to them.) A list of Participants will appear. Hover your mouse over your name and click on “Rename.” Enter the name you want others to see. Remember to change it back next time you use ZOOM.

* One more announcement about Pornhub is at the end of the article.

Different Ways of Knowing

I used to think that the only way to learn was to go to school, study real hard, and do things exactly the way they told you to. Then you took a test and found out whether or not you knew something.

I gave those teachers far too much power! There are many ways of learning, and that is only one way, a way that was popular in the early ’40s.

Children learn a lot by watching, listening, touching, smelling. They don’t need another person to do this. For the most part, what they learn is true. Snow is cold. Sunlight is warm. Water is wet. Some grownups paint their lips red, some don’t. Some have hair around their mouths, some don’t. They eat with little sticks, not their hands. Depending on where they live, they call these sticks chopsticks or forks. These are facts. The information comes through the senses, which do not lie.

Actually, senses can lie – if grownups spend a lot of time teaching the children how to ignore the input of their senses and how to misremember an experience as something else. Grownups in cults are particularly adept at negating children’s experiences. “That didn’t hurt.” “That didn’t happen.” “You liked that, didn’t you?” “That was just a dream.” “No, you were at Gramma’s house yesterday.”

Cults also play games with the mind. Double binds are one of their tricks. “Do you want to kill the orange kitten or the spotted kitten? Choose!” “Do you want me to hit you, or do you want to hit your little sister? Choose!” Another trick is inverting values. Good becomes bad; evil becomes good. Words are given meanings that are the opposite of what the larger society assigns to them. You can make kids believe anything if you work hard enough at it.

I think that these learning experiences are processed differently, at least for me. This is because I remember them differently.

Things that were taught to me while being abused come back in flashbacks and through drawing or free-association writing. They had been forgotten, covered over by amnesia. This makes sense to me because everything they taught me was accompanied by a command to forget, to “not know” what had happened or what I had learned. All these things were stuffed way down into my unconscious.

When the amnesia broke spontaneously, they came shooting through in flashback form – images, body feelings, smell, emotions. (Oddly enough, I do not have sound flashbacks.) When I prodded my unconscious through writing or drawing, there were no flashbacks – the memory was there on the page, more or less disguised.

But the things I learned on my own during those dark days and nights come back in a very different form. I just know. All I have to do is join a conversation about a given subject, open my mouth, and out comes the information. It isn’t disguised, it isn’t chaotic. It comes out in a clear, concise, matter-of-fact form. I guess that’s because the information hasn’t been distorted by my abuser’s lies and manipulations.

These days, I know what I am talking about when ”I just open my mouth and out it comes,” but back when I first remembered, I didn’t have enough context to always know what I was saying.

I came across a notebook from 1988/1989 and read some things which surprised and amused me.

“The facade is an integral part of the building.” Hmm. And I thought I was being so original when I wrote that blog entry! But I knew what I meant back then. The “fake me” I constructed when I had to hide the abuse became an important part of my personality, of the “real” me. Then I turned my attention to other things and forgot all about the facade and the building.

I also found two pages in which I referred to myself as fragmented. The one I want to find I can’t, of course. I think these are the exact words, but I’m not 100% sure. It was part of a wish list–

“I want to be whole 
I am tired of offering people fragments of myself”

The other entry is a record of a rather sophisticated dream.

“I dreamed that there were discrete roles or psychological states and when I was in one state I felt coherent. It was slipping from one to the other that made me feel crazy.

This is true, except that I’m always in several and so I feel crazy all the time – fragmented consciousness or identity.”

I knew I was fragmented back then. I knew without knowing I knew. Then I put that knowledge aside for decades and here it is again, front and center in my mind, rather than slipping in and out of consciousness.

Boy, the mind is a wonderfully complex thing.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

* I am writing this as a note because there is more and more news about the successful fight against Pornhub and Mindgeek. This time it’s the announcement of the filing of a lawsuit. I could easily write about Pornhub three times a month . . . but that is a different blog.

34 victims, 14 of whom were children at the time they were abused, have filed a RICO – racketeering, trafficking, and child pornography – lawsuit against Pornhub and MindGeek, Pornhub’s parent company. You can read all 179 pages of the complaint at https://mindgeeklitigation.com/asset/2021.06.17%20-%20Dkt.%20001%20-%20Complaint.pdf.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Upcoming Holidays

July

7/4 Independence Day 
7/23 Full Moon 
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God 
7/27 Grand Climax

August

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh 
8/13 Friday the 13th 
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary 
8/22 Full Moon 
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

September

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast 
9/7 Labor Day (United States) 
9/20 Full moon 
9/22 Fall Equinox 
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

7/18 Tisha B’Av (Jewish Day of Mourning) 
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party 
9/1 Start of WW2 
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement) 
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement) 
9/17 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday 
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

~~~~~~~~~~

Additional information on various holidays:

Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-il
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween {personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/ 
Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/