“My Love Is Poison”


* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Note: Additional information on the following holidays is available at:
Labor Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/labor-day/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween: (personal): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2018/10/20/halloween-2018/

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A psychologist, describing one of his clients, once said to me, “He believes his love is poison.” That resonated with me; it described my feelings about myself to a T. I finally had words for what I felt about myself, although I had no explanation of why I should feel that way. I felt that one way or another, I harmed everybody and anything I loved.

That was forty years ago, and my self-perception is just now beginning to change despite my valiantly challenging that negative core belief over and over again. Nobody can tell me that change is always quickly and easily achieved.

It helped a lot when I figured out that I had been born into a cult and that they taught me that I was evil through and through. I was evil when I obeyed their commands, and I was even more evil when I tried to get around them. I believed them at the time, and apparently, I was going to believe them until the end of time.

Five years after I figured why I felt that way, I still, deep down, believed I was rotten to the core. I started, among close survivor friends, to refer to myself as a poisonous toad. I daydreamed of making a sculpture of a toad. It would be fashioned out of fine-mesh fencing and filled with dirt. It would be realistic, toad-like, covered with large warts. The whole thing would be about five feet around and three feet tall, and it would go squat in my garden. Over the years, we would see what filth grew on it.

Inside, in the middle of all the dirt, there would be a tiny baby doll, naked and asleep.

My friends started giving me toads. A green one that sang “Jingle Bells” in a ribbety voice. A small brown wooden one covered with warts and looking very fierce. They didn’t seem the least bit scared of me – not my friends, not the toads.

I finally grew bored of struggling with this warty self-image and turned my attention to the business of every-day life.

And now, about fifteen years later, the issue has resurfaced. Rather than trying to battle my distorted self-image using internal resources, the challenge is coming from the outside in the form of other people’s feedback. That’s called a reality check!

It started with me asking my therapist if she had a constant image of me over the time we had worked together. I wanted to know because I don’t feel like a classic multiple with separate alters, but I also don’t really know who I am. For practical purposes, I operate from what I hope is a constant set of values, but, when I look inside for the “real me,” I find that I believe I am a random set of molecules that other people are hallucinating (interpreting?) as Jean. I know this sounds pretty weird, but it makes sense to me.

My therapist convinced me that she sees me as a kind, intelligent, moral person with a practical streak. I became aware that the feedback I get from friends matches her description of me. We discussed this, and also reviewed things I have done over the years just because they were the right thing to do. There was nothing toadish to be seen.

There were mistakes in judgment, mistakes because of lack of information, mistakes because I was dissociated a lot of the time. If everything had been perfect, I would have concluded that it was a facade designed to cover up something very different. But my intent was steadfast – I never hurt anybody on purpose, and my actions came from a desire to be kind and helpful.

The final piece of confirmation happened when I was cleaning up my office. I came across cards and letters I had saved from clients, fellow survivors, and people I had worked with over the years. The people who wrote those thank you’s had the same image of me as my therapist and current friends. There was a me that had remained constant for decades!

That little baby inside the toad had been protected during the cult years and had grown up to be me. I wasn’t really encased in a vile toad – I was having a memory of the times when I believed the lie they told me. I am not evil, my love is not poison. They tried to make me evil, but they failed big time!

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Upcoming Holidays

September
9/2 Labor Day (US)
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/13 Full moon
9/13 Friday the 13th
9/23 Fall equinox
October
10/13 Full moon
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/14 (?) Columbus Day
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year
November
11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/2 All Souls’ Day
11/11 (?) Veterans’ Day
11/12 Full moon
11/28 US Thanksgiving

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 Start of WW2
9/29 – 10/1 Rosh Hashanah (New Year, Day of Judgement)
10/8 – 10/9 Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/13 – 10/20 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, harvest festival)
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s actual half-birthday
10/21 Hitler’s alternative half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and 10/20. His alternate birthday is celebrated on Easter of the current year and his alternate half-birthday six months later.)
10/21 – 10/22 Simchat Torah (celebration of the annual complete cycle of reading of the Torah)
11/9 Kristallnacht State-ordered pogroms against Jews in Germany and Austria)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

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Targeted Individuals and Gang Stalking


* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Note: Additional information on the following holidays is available at:
Labor Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/labor-day/
Feast of the Beast: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Halloween (personal): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2018/10/20/halloween-2018/

~~~~~


Ra-info.org (Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime, and Healing) is receiving more and more requests for help with being targeted and with being a victim of gang stalking. I know very little about these issues and have only a few web pages to offer.

I’m reluctant to plunge in and educate myself because it is a HUGE project covering many different areas. I don’t even have the time or energy to do all the things I am already committed to. I just can’t take on anything that big. To be honest, I shouldn’t take on anything new right now, no matter how small!

I’ll share what little I do know and point you to some resources.

Definitions: “Targeted Individuals” or “TI’s” are people who are being attacked using electromagnetic waves and other technological devices to make them hear noises and voices, to make them sick, or to cause pain. These devices are sometimes called psychotronics. “Gang Stalking” is a coordinated attack by multiple people to ruin a person’s life by spreading rumors, destroying possessions, hacking computers, and making them feel powerless and appear crazy.

People from all over the world and from all walks of life report being attacked in these ways. Few can see any reason for being attacked. Even fewer identify as survivors of ritual abuse or government mind control. The mystery – “Why me?” – nags at them constantly.

Nobody has an answer as to why some people are chosen and others not. Perhaps there is a reason they are completely unaware of, and the attack is an effort to prevent them from becoming a threat to the abusers. Perhaps people are being trained in the use of these devices and techniques and picking victims at random. Perhaps they are simply sadistic and getting off on it. I simply don’t know.

I surfed for a long time among the hundreds of sites on TI’s and gang stalking.

Websites that give advice on how to keep your belief in your sanity are highly recommended; they offer much-needed hope. I also like sites that offer numerous links to articles and other websites, inviting you to choose and form your own opinion.

Be careful with forums and message boards, for surely they are heavily infiltrated. If you post about your situation, you are simply giving them information to use against you. They also tend to amplify fear and despair. I also caution against any site that claims it has the whole truth and everybody else is wrong. Keep firmly in touch with your own common sense.

Here are some websites that offer a good place to start exploring

(Note: Many websites listed are no longer in existence. Of these, a large percentage have been archived and can be accessed at https://web.archive.org/. Just type the url into the WayBack Machine and choose a year with many entries.)

Targeted Individuals 101 – This is probably the most useful website that I came across. It gives practical advice on how to protect yourself from these attacks https://sites.google.com/site/targetedindividuals101/survival-guide/more-survival-guide and https://sites.google.com/site/targetedindividuals101/survival-guide/ It also lists thousands of webpages and blogs. https://sites.google.com/site/targetedindividuals101/ 

Democratic Fundamentalism: Standing up for the Fundamental Principles of Democracy – A matter-of-fact page with links to other informative websites. http://www.democraticfundamentalism.org/2005/psychotronics/whatispyschotronics.htm

Targeted Individuals: Freedom of thoughts, beliefs, opinions, expressions – A very well-organized website with links to books, blogs, other websites, and videos. hrvcanada.blogspot.com/

Mind Justice – Many links to books and articles about non-lethal weapons and their use.  http://mindjustice.org/

I hope none of you ever need this information, but if you do, it’s good to know there are resources on the Internet.


~~~~~

Upcoming Holidays

August
8/15 Full moon
September
9/2 Labor Day (US)
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/13 Full moon
9/23 Fall equinox
October
10/13 Full moon
10/13 Friday the Thirteenth, Backward Halloween
10/14 (?) Columbus Day
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 Start of WW2
9/29 – 10/1 Rosh Hashanah (New Year, Day of Judgement)
10/8 – 10/9 Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/13 – 10/20 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, harvest festival)
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s actual half-birthday
10/21 Hitler’s alternative half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and 10/20. His alternate birthday is celebrated on Easter of the current year and his alternate half-birthday six months later.)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

Talking to Yourself – Totally Normal

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* An Infinite Mind’s 10th Annual “Healing Together” International Conference.
February 7 – 9, 2020; Orlando, FL
Submit proposals for presentations before August 15. (Proposals on Ritual Abuse are welcome!)
Submission guidelines, vendor information, and hotel information at https://www.aninfinitemind.com/healing-together.html

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I read an interview of  Alexander Kirkham, a psychologist studying cognition. Of course, I can’t find the article, but this one by his senior co-author, Paloma Mari-Beffa, covers all the main points: https://www.thecut.com/2017/05/the-perks-of-talking-to-yourself.html.

It’s about how people think by talking to themselves. Apparently everybody, multiples and singletons alike, have a constant conversation with themselves running through their mind. Sometimes it stays in their mind, sometimes they talk out loud to themselves.

Sometimes it’s a monologue. “If I make eggplant parmigiana, I’ll have to allow a good hour. But that would make dinner real late. I better think of a simpler eggplant dish. Those babies are going to rot if I don’t use them soon.”

Sometimes it’s a dialogue. “Should I get a latte?” “Sure, why not.” “No, lattes are expensive.” “But I deserve a treat.” “You have a treat almost every day.” “I deserve treats.” “it’s not a treat, it’s a bad habit.”

Now, I talk out loud to myself all the time. It’s more effective than just thinking: I pay more attention.

I’m writing this as I wait for my car to get serviced. I have promised myself that it will be the last time I drive, my swan song. On the way down, I talked to my Driving Fairy. “Please help me drive carefully. I’m going to drive carefully, cautiously, courteously. I’m going to watch for every car, every pedestrian, and bicycles and scooters and skateboarders.” My Driving Fairy is good to me and I got here in one piece.

Even though I am dissociative, it seems that my thinking isn’t much different from everybody else’s.

I’m not sure if everybody talks to fairies and furniture, but I have heard them talk to keys and computers and I don’t see the difference.

Kirkwood notes that when people talk out loud to themselves it slows down their thinking, which automatically makes them more attentive. Talking silently saves time because no muscles have to be moved, and because people tend to use sentence fragments when they think. I discovered by myself that telling the Driving Fairy that a traffic light is about to turn red focuses my attention and prevents me from having to slam on the brakes at the last minute. It also prevents highway hypnosis.

I often wonder what about me is “normal” and what is due to the aftereffects of the abuse I suffered as a young child. I keep coming across articles that suggest that certain ways of thinking or experiencing the world are not unique to dissociatives. I’ve come to think of us as being on a spectrum.

  1. Everybody talks to themselves all the time. No difference between us and others.
  2. Everybody has parts. No difference between us and others. BUT….dissociative people have amnesiac barriers between some of the their parts. Other people don’t.
  3. Some people who are not dissociative (or psychotic) occasionally experiences voices as coming from outside their mind. Dissociatives often experience voices coming from outside. Plus dissociative often see parts vividly with the internal eye. Other people don’t.

It seems to me that the difference between us and others lies in the characteristics of our parts. Some parts don’t know of each others’ existence. Some have specific, limited jobs – to perform certain acts on demand, to hold a memory or emotion, etc. The central issues, therefore, are amnesia and differentiation.  And that is the subject of three or four whole books!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upcoming Holidays

Note: Additional information on the following holidays is available at
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/  
August Ritual Dates – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
 
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/ 
Halloween – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/ 
Halloween (more personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh

8/15 Full moon
September
9/2 Labor Day (US)

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast

9/13 Full moon

9/23 Fall equinox
October
10/13 Full moon
9/13 Friday the Thirteenth
10/14 (?) Columbus Day
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 Start of WW2
9/29 – 10/1 Rosh Hashanah (New Year, Day of Judgement)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler´s actual half-birthday
10/21 Hitler’s alternative half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and 10/20. His alternate birthday is celebrated on Easter of the current year and his alternate half-birthday six months later.)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)