Some Thoughts on Forgiveness

I came across this quote by Alec Nove, who I had never heard of, “To understand is not to forgive. It is simply better than the alternative, which is not to understand.”

My first reaction was, “Yeah, that’s true!” and my second was, “I don’t get it.”

I know that when I understand a situation, my feelings about it shift. For example, when I realized that my parents were treated, as children, the same way they treated me, I stopped hating and blaming them and started viewing them with compassion. Then my feelings toward myself shifted. I relaxed inside and stopped looking for danger, stopped being on high alert all the time. It was a tremendous relief!

Figuring out that they had been abused as children didn’t occur until after they both were dead and I had remembered my own abuse. I was as if I saw them in a mirror, and the mirror was me, if that makes any sense.

I often wonder how our relationship would have changed if I could have stopped walking on eggshells around them and simply watched their behavior and approached them with curiosity. I know I would have been more interested in their lives and asked more questions. It probably would have been a spiral: the more I learned, the more I would have understood, and the more I would have relaxed around them.

Of course, I might have learned something that would have sent me running out of the room screaming. I will never know!

But where does forgiveness come in? I have never quite understood the concept of forgiveness. Do other people think understanding automatically includes forgiveness? What is forgiveness, anyway?

Does it mean admitting the other person is right after all?
Does it mean forgetting what happened?
Does it mean deciding the action was okay?
Or that you love the person just as much, even though they did something that hurt you?
Or that you “get” where they are coming from?

Often, when I am confused, I look a word up in the dictionary. This definition is from The Free Dictionary at https://www.thefreedictionary.com/forgive.

“to forgive: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender): to give up resentment of or claim to requital: to grant relief from payment or forgive a debt

  1. To give up resentment against or stop wanting to punish (someone) for an offense or fault; pardon.
  2. To relent in being angry or in wishing to exact punishment for (an offense or fault).
  3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).”

This dictionary goes on to define synonyms for forgive:
Synonyms: forgive, pardon, excuse, condone
These verbs mean to refrain from imposing punishment on an offender or demanding satisfaction for an offense. The first three can be used as conventional ways of offering apology. More strictly, to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment: “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them” (Oscar Wilde).
Pardon more strongly implies release from the liability for or penalty entailed by an offense: After the revolution all political prisoners were pardoned.
To excuse is to pass over a mistake or fault without demanding punishment or redress: “Valencia was incredibly generous to these deadbeats. She memorized their poetry and excused their bad behavior” (David Sedaris).
To condone is to overlook an offense, usually a serious one, and often suggests tacit forgiveness: Failure to protest the policy may imply a willingness to condone it.

I’m still not satisfied.

I’m happy to give up my anger or resentment, but I want offenders to be accountable for their actions. I don’t desire punishment, or retribution, but I do desire a sincere apology and reparations, when possible, plus a change in behavior. Without seeking accountability, I would be saying, “Oh, don’t worry, that’s okay by me.” Ritual abuse, academic/government mind control experimentation, and child pornography is not okay by me, and it never will be.

“Excuse” and “condone” mean, to me at least, that I’ll go along with the behavior. Or that, under the circumstances, the behavior is reasonable or moral. I can never, under any circumstances, excuse or condone the rape or torture of any living being.

Killing – well, that’s a little different. I don’t like to kill ants, but I will do it if they enter my house. Bedbugs and cockroaches, too. Other insects I carefully scoop up and take outside. And I have no qualms taking antibiotics to kill bacteria that are making me sick.

I also eat meat, poultry, and fish, even though I feel guilty for doing so. I therefore condone the killing of these living things. I can’t say I excuse my actions, for if I did, I wouldn’t feel guilty. And I don’t pardon myself, because I didn’t break a law or do anything wrong by my society’s standards.

I’m not sure if I ever forgive myself for anything, since I’m not sure what forgiveness really means. My gut feeling is that I reserve forgiveness for things stemming from distortions caused by the abuse. I tell myself, “I forgive myself for feeling dirty, or stupid, or not human. These are lies they told me. It was not my fault I believed them, because I was only a little kid. I have always been clean, smart, and fully human.”

I guess I do understand the meaning of forgiveness after all. I see that I define it by the heart’s actions, not by the logic the mind offers. I just know, deep down, what it is.

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Upcoming Holidays

December
Sundays of advent: 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19
12/14 New moon
12/14 Total solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Chile and parts of Argentina. Partial eclipse will be visible in southern South America and south-east Africa. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-december-14
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/6 (?) Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 New Moon
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/18 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 (?) St. Agnes’ Eve
1/28 Full moon

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah (Jewish Festival of Lights)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

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* You can find more information on the following holidays at: 
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/

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* How to add a comment after a post This blog’s design makes it hard to figure out how to comment. Go down to the bottom of the post (after the calendar) You will see in light grey type: “RATE THIS” tagged (a list of the tags) (the number of) comments” Click on the word “comments” to open all posted comments.

At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.

Great Good News – Pornhub

And Some Pretty Dismal News:

On December 21, the European Union’s ePrivacy Directive will make it illegal to use technology to detect online child sexual exploitation. The EU Parliament is currently debating a provision that would make an exception in this case. The ePrivacy Directive is a temporary measure that will expire in 2015. If this exception is not passed, children will be without any protection for five years. There is a strong chance that the provisions of the ePrivacy Directive will be incorporated into the final document.

You can help protect children by learning more and signing the petition to the European Union Parliament members. 

Background from The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children: https://www.missingkids.org/childsafetyfirst 

The petition itself: https://www.change.org/p/we-are-in-danger-of-losing-the-global-battle-for-child-safety?utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=custom_url&recruited_by_id=22e1af90-2851-11eb-a791-515174202d1b 

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As you know, pornography on the web is a multi-billion dollar business. Some say 97 billion dollars. That’s probably a wild exaggeration, but in any case, it’s a lot of money.

You can easily find pornography with “adult content” with a quick search. I am reluctant to look for, let alone watch, pornography, but for this article, I used duckduckgo to search for male-female pornography. The top hit was https://www.pornhub.com/video/search?search=male/female

“Male/female Porn Videos | Pornhub.com
Watch Male/female porn videos for free, here on Pornhub.com. Discover the growing collection of high quality Most Relevant XXX movies and clips. No other sex tube is more popular and features more Male/female scenes than Pornhub! Browse through our impressive selection of porn videos in HD quality on any device you own.”

According to Pornhub’s “Year in Review,” (https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2019-year-in-review#2019), there were 42 billion visits in 2019 – 115 million a day – and 39 billion searches. Of those, “teen” was the twelfth most popular. Of course, all the teens are over eighteen, right? And all the viewers are over eighteen, too.

Pornhub claims that non-consensual and child pornography is strictly prohibited on the site, but I do not believe it explains how it enforces this policy. I have trouble believing enforcement is even possible.

Home-made, as well as commercial videos, are posted on Pornhub. I imagine that it is even harder to monitor those films for the rape of adults, let alone children. (By the way, non-consensual, coerced, or forced sex is rape.)

An advocate group called Traffickinghub is working to shut down Pornhub and hold its executives accountable for aiding sexual trafficking. Petitions, media campaigns, pressure on governments, all are ways in which they seek leverage. Learn how you can support them at https://traffickinghub.com/.

Their work has just paid off!

Read this: “Thailand Shuts Down Pornhub For Violating Computer Crimes Act.” https://exoduscry.com/blog/changinglaws/breaking-thailand-shuts-down-pornhub-for-violating-computer-crimes-act/?goal=0_c15bff8d91-3933a2516a-86660702&mc_cid=3933a2516a&mc_eid=a2265e2517

Thailand joins Russia, China, Saudi Arabia, and The Philippines in banning Pornhub. It has also banned 190 other pornography sites!

Thailand has long been known as a center for child sex tourism, and teens, aa well as younger boys and girls, are freely available for sex in Bangkok and other parts of the country. Bangkok is Pornhub’s 10th largest customer base, and Thai users spend more time at the site than any other nationality in the world. This, of course, is a major income stream for the company.

Another way Pornhub might be hurt financially is if the government follows up by cracking down on the production of videos with Thai minors. If they can no longer get these popular (and free) child “actors” and “actresses,” they will lose money from all over the world.

Grassroots protest movements can be effective! That, to me, is very heartening. It shows that power generated peacefully when people come together can stand up against the power of Big Money.

One last word about the connection between sex trafficking and ritual abuse –

Many, many children who were ritually abused have been sold into child prostitution or child pornography to bring money to the cult. Some have remembered, some have not. Needless to say, it affects the victim’s life profoundly in every area.

Another link, which I am just beginning to think about, is that the techniques that pimps use to keep their victims enslaved are sometimes derived from mind control programming developed under MKULTRA and other government/military programs. I am not sure of this, as I have not read any survivor stories or studies (that I remember), but it seems likely to me. If programmed children are flowing into the pornography business, pimps would meet their handlers and ask details of how the children had been trained.

Knowledge, like water, doesn’t like to be confined.

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Upcoming Holidays

November
11/26 Thanksgiving Day (United States)
11/30 Full moon
11/30 St Andrew’s Day

December
Sundays of advent: 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19
12/14 New moon
12/14 Total solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Chile and parts of Argentina. Partial eclipse will be visible in southern South America and south-east Africa. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-december-14
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/6 (?) Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 New Moon
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/18 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 (?) St. Agnes’ Eve
1/28 Full moon

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah (Jewish Festival of Lights)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

 ~~~~~~~~~~* You can find more information on the following holidays at: 
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/

~~~~~~~~~~

* How to add a comment after a post This blog’s design makes it hard to figure out how to comment. Go down to the bottom of the post (after the calendar) You will see in light grey type: “RATE THIS” tagged (a list of the tags) (the number of) comments” Click on the word “comments” to open all posted comments.

At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.

How I Became Polyfragmented

I have been meeting by ZOOM with another polyfragmented survivor. We would like to invite others to join us so that we can become a group. If you feel that all or part of your system is fragmented, please contact me through the comments section or email me directly. You will find my address in the comments section.

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I’m annoyed at my process. It seems that for all these years of work on myself, my past, how it shaped me, how it laid the ground for dysfunctional behavior, the guilt, the low-self esteem, etcetera, I should be further along than I am now. And then there are the years and years of therapy, years of another person being by my side and on my side, guiding me and cheering me along.

Don’t get me wrong – I am very grateful to have remembered and thus been able to enter this process. I’m intensely thankful for two exceptional therapists that I’ve worked with over the years. And to have been born in an era when ritual abuse and government/military mind control are talked about and studied, an era when survivors can find each other and share their experience and hard-gained wisdom. I have been so very lucky.

I think that AA and other 12-step groups, along with the women’s movement, laid the groundwork for us to remember and tell others our stories. It was in those meetings that people broke taboos right and left, talking about subjects that had been clothed in silence for generations. My parents didn’t talk about alcoholism. How could they? They did not even have the concept. It was the same with domestic violence and incest and other forms of sexual abuse – they did not even have the concept. 

When I was about fourteen or fifteen, I read that incest occurred in one in a million families. That belief was not exactly conducive to realizing that your family was one of those 160 families. (The population of the United States was 160.2 million in 1953.) And of course, Satanism didn’t exist, and governments were benevolent and would never hurt a child.

Yes, it is so much better to know the truth. I am lucky and grateful, but I am still annoyed and frustrated by my healing process. And I am annoyed that I am annoyed because it’s not helpful!

Anyway, this is what set me off.

I’ve been pondering how my mind works with fragments and no real alters. No alters with specific jobs. No one to take care of this immensely complicated computer, learn to use a cell phone, or do the dishes. No one to decide who gets to be out. No one in charge, no one to hold memories. I don’t understand how the little scraps of my mind get together to get anything at all done.

However, I did find out how I got this way, which is progress, even though it sheds no light on what “this way” is. I found a large sheet of paper, dated 1994, which spelled out how I was fragmented. What is really weird is that I had forgotten that I figured it out years ago. I wonder how much else I don’t know that I once knew. 

This is what I had forgotten for so long. I was electroshocked when I was about two, and the shocks were what splintered me. I don’t know how often it was done, how it was done, who did it, who arranged for it to be done, where it was done, why it was done, why I am not scared of electricity. I just know that my mind was left in little pieces that could not be reassembled.

These things I assume –

My parents must have consented to it or consented to a cover story about what would be done to me. However, there is no trace of anything in my baby book or my mother’s diaries that would indicate anything out of the ordinary happened to me around that age.

Somebody they knew must have put them in touch with whoever was running the program. They did not have the skills necessary to do it themselves. Neither had any technical or mechanical talent.

I am guessing that healthy, bright toddlers were collected from cult members and fragmented to be used later on in various programs.

That’s about as far as I have gotten.

Being electroshocked as a kid raises a lot of questions. I have no idea how I could come through that experience and still look “normal” from the outside. I met developmental milestones, and I seemed “normal” psychologically, except for being shy and timid. There was no obvious physical aftermath. How in the world is all of this possible? I may never know any of the answers.

Realizing that this happened to me is not what is frustrating to me. It feels like a weight on my heart and leaves me numb. What is frustrating is that I could have gotten this information many years ago and just plain forgotten it. Amnesia came roaring back, and I had to remember all over again.

I have long believed that no issue is totally resolved. The process is not linear; it is a spiral. You work on something and make good progress, then turn to something else. In time you come back to the same issue and work on it again, but at a deeper level. I thought that I would know what my issues are and remember the work I had done on them. Now I know that isn’t necessarily true.

It’s like making a complicated cake with many layers and spending hours decorating it beautifully, then dropping it on the floor. 

Oh well, I can always start over again. I just did.

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* You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Halloween {personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Upcoming Holidays
November
11/11 Veterans’ Day (?)
11/13 Friday the thirteenth
11/26 Thanksgiving Day (United States)
11/30 Full moon
11/30 St Andrew’s Day
December
Sundays of advent: 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19
12/4 Total Solar Eclipse
12/14 Total solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Chile and parts of Argentina. Partial eclipse will be visible in southern South America and south-east Africa. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-december-14
12/18 Full Moon
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/5 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah  (Jewish Festival of Lights)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

~~~~~~~~~~

* How to add a comment after a post This blog’s design makes it hard to figure out how to comment. Go down to the bottom of the post (after the calendar) You will see in light grey type: “RATE THIS” tagged (a list of the tags) (the number of) comments” Click on the word “comments” to open all posted comments.

At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.