Surrounded by Guardian Fairies

October
10/13 Backwards Halloween

10/13 Friday the Thirteenth

10/22 – 10/29 Preparation for All Hallows’ Eve

10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallows Eve
There are two previous posts on Halloween:
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/  
November
11/S Full Moon

11/3 Satanic Revels

11/23 Thanksgiving
December
12/3 Full Moon  
12/21 St. Thomas’ Day/Fire Festival 
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/24 Christmas Eve/Satanic and demon revels/Da Meur/Grand High Climax
12/15 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Important dates in Nazi groups
11/9 Kristallnacht

11/11 Veteran’s Day: Armistice, 1918

 

Surrounded by Guardian Fairies

Years ago, a colleague of mine was moving to the country from the city. She said, “Jean, I have a Parking Fairy. Would you like him?” I jumped at the chance and gladly accepted her offer.

The Parking Fairy has been very good to me all these years. Occasionally he will deny me a space when he disapproves of my plans. This happens, for example, when I am circling a pizza place.

One day, after trying to back carefully out of the garage and just accumulating more paint on my car doors, I sighed and said, “Parking Fairy, I sure wish there was a Driving Fairy.” Then it occurred to me there probably was, and all I had to do was ask the Parking Fairy to introduce me to him. So I did, and he did, and I am very grateful. I think they are relatives, probably brothers, or at the very least, cousins.

I’ve found that fairies can’t read my mind, so I have to talk out loud to them. And of course I or we get to hear what I say, too. I ask him to help me/us drive carefully, alertly, and safely. Also to stay aware of where my car is on the road, where all the other cars are, and that I make sure I know if there are motorcycles or bicycles or pedestrians around. And it is very good to be aware of traffic lights and stop signs and construction and those sorts of things.

I also tell him where I want to go and name all the stop signs, bicycles etc that I see on the way. That way he can tell if my attention is on my driving or if I have drifted off somewhere else. I also ask him every time if it is okay to turn the radio on. Sometimes it is. sometimes it isn’t.

My driving has improved vastly and my anxiety has gone way down now that I know I have a fairy riding shotgun!

I’m quite sure I could use a Walking Fairy. Last year I didn’t fall once, and this year I’ve fallen too many times to count. All the circumstances seem different, so it is hard for me to anticipate when I might fall. I’m not yet sure I have a Walking Fairy, but I can’t see a good reason why the Parking and Driving Fairies would deny me one. So I am starting to timidly talk to him, asking him to help me notice where my feet are and to scan the path I am following so I have some idea of what is coming up. Sorta like driving, come to think of it.

I know this sounds a little weird. Talking to cats or dogs seems normal. Talking out loud to yourself every now and then sounds normal. But talking out loud to fairies? All the time when I am in the car, and all the time when I am standing up or walking? I’ve never met anybody who did that, and I have never read about it, either.

But you know what? I don’t care. I live alone so nobody knows most of the time. When I visit somebody, or somebody visits me, I either talk to them in my mind (which isn’t nearly as effective), or whisper discretely. If I think the person wouldn’t freak out, I talk out loud as usual. I get some weird looks, but so far nobody has wanted to take me to the ER for a psych workup.

It may be unusual, but then I am unusual in a lot of other ways, too. All I can say is that it works for me.

Advertisements

Finding Happiness Among the Horrors of Ritual Abuse

Upcoming Holidays
October
10/5 Full Moon

10/13 Backwards Halloween

10/13 Friday the Thirteenth

10/22 – 10/29 Preparation for All Hallows’ Eve

10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallows Eve
There are two previous posts on Halloween:
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/  
November
11/S Full Moon

11/3 Satanic Revels

11/23 Thanksgiving
December
12/3 Full Moon  
12/21 St. Thomas’ Day/Fire Festival 
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/24 Christmas Eve/Satanic and demon revels/Da Meur/Grand High Climax
12/15 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Important dates in Nazi groups
11/9 Kristallnacht

11/11 Veteran’s Day: Armistice, 1918
.

Finding Happiness Among the Horrors of Ritual Abuse

This picture was taken only a year or so after the memories flooded me. Looking at the photo, it’s hard to believe that I had been recently curled up in a ball in bed afraid that the force of the memories would kill me. I feared that my body could not take the stress of learning what had been done to me and that my heart would simply stop. Hour after hour of horror, the full strength of the emotions I had felt as a little child and had buried away for the sake of survival. I do not know how I pulled myself together to do what I needed to do – eat, sleep, shower, drive, work, pay bills – all the mechanics of daily life. But I did, somehow.

It isn’t just fear, anger, and sadness that are buried. All emotions are. After ritual abuse, who would dare show joy? The adults would disapprove and you would feel guilty to the core.

With some people, emotions burst through the amnesic barriers at times and show themselves with great force. With me, the world was dull and flat. I did have a full range of emotions, but they were faint, like ghosts of the buried ones. I had no idea what a “real” emotion felt like while I was amnesic for the ritual abuse. I was very timid, afraid of meeting new people. afraid of new places, afraid of getting lost. And once I had children, I was really afraid I would not understand what they were saying and not be able to protect them. I had no way of explaining to myself why I seemed so much more timid than others.

Just as the whole range of emotions had been buried, the whole range reappeared once the damn that held the memories at bay had broken. Enthusiasm, enjoyment, and even joy came back. Not at first: the reaction to the memories was too strong to let anything surface that was not related to the horrors I had seen and been a part of. But they did reappear.

So here I am, on a beach, with beautiful waves breaking and sand dunes and sea gulls. Hungry sea gulls. Brave sea gulls when they spotted food.

I had brought what? Bread? Cold cuts? I don’t remember. I do remember the gulls circled and one would get up the courage to take the food from my hand. I remember that their bills dripped, like a junky spotting cocaine. And I remember that if the piece of food was too big to swallow in one gulp they would fly away as fast as they could to escape their thieving pals.

I was ecstatic. When the food was all gone and the gulls had left, I felt satisfied and pleased that they had trusted me enough to eat from my hand. It had been perfect. I felt happy, I think it is called. And they didn’t even bite me!

Lots of Problems to Share

Upcoming Holidays
September
9/29 Michaelmas (?)
October

10/5 Full Moon

10/13 Backwards Halloween

10/13 Friday the Thirteenth

10/22 – 10/29 Preparation for All Hallows’ Eve
10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallows Eve

November
11/S Full Moon

11/3 Satanic Revels

11/23 Thanksgiving
Important dates in Nazi groups
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering

10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday

11/9 Kristallnacht

11/11 Veteran’s Day: Armistice, 1918

Lots of Problems to Share

Computer problems. My cat jumped on the keyboard and up came the screen asking for my computer password. I didn’t know it because my daughter had changed it and didn’t change it back. She didn’t remember it either. So I thought I would reboot it and see if the normal screen came up.

Turned the computer off, but no matter how long I held the on/off button, it didn’t start, the screen just stayed black. Checked all the plugs, blah blah. Called Apple tech service, who had me do all the things I had just done and then said it was hardware and I should bring it in.

Without my best buddy I had nothing to do except clean house, which is not much fun but it is sorely needed.

The next day I made my coffee as usual and sat sadly looking at the black screen. I nostalgically started playing with the keyboard, caressing the buttons that make up such a large part of my life. Guess what! The computer came to life and gave me my normal start page.

So I was wrong. It wasn’t that I couldn’t turn it on, it was that I couldn’t turn it off. Even when I unplugged it for a minute. Bizarre, huh? My energy field has always broken things and now it went and fixed something. I am baffled and grateful.

Eye problems. I went to Nashville where my daughter, son-in-law, and their two kids had rented a little house in the path of the eclipse’s totality. We did a bit of sightseeing and went to the Johnny Cash museum. On the day of the eclipse everything was perfect. A cloudless sky, lovely warm weather, a lawn to sit on, protective glasses. And my daughter had made several different pieces of equipment to look at the changing image of the eclipse through a pinhole. Way cool.

I knew how awesome (in the original sense of the word) totality is because I had seen other eclipses. But this time I saw a blurry ring of light, all fuzzy, a dark ring, and then another blurry ring with a dark center. Like a little donut inside a big one. Wearing glasses didn’t help, shutting one eye and then the other didn’t help. I was devastated.

Figured it had to be my cataracts and it was time for them to go. I made the first appointment to start the process.

I am thrilled at the thought of having 20/20 vision for the first time in my life, but terrified of having somebody slice open my eyeballs.

Temperature problems. For two days, San Francisco was officially a record 104 degrees. My apartment, on the top floor, was more like 112, 115. I drank a lot of water, and was fine, except I had zero energy. The cats, who normally sleep under the covers, were lying stretched out on their sides like lions. I tried to rub them down with a wet washcloth, but they didn’t like it. They ran away and found another place to flop.

Ant problems. There are little groups of ants here and there. Teeny ones. On my plants. In the bathroom. Underneath my coffee pot. No matter what I do, they are back in a couple of days. I hate killing them, but they don’t leave when I ask nicely. I hate the feeling of ants on my arm and I hate imagining them in my hair. I am very grateful they do not bite.

I think that’s enough problems for now.