I Wish I Had Kept an RA Journal

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* Looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and supportive therapists or pastors about the project? They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

I Wish I Had Kept an RA Journal

The other day I came across a piece of paper. It was writing dating from sometime between 1994 and 1996, a time when many memories were surfacing. I have no recollection of writing it.

I’ve never been good at journaling. I start one, do a few pages, put it aside and forget about it. Then when I need to write something down I either start a new journal or grab any old piece of paper. Since there is no central place I keep all these writings, I cannot go back and look something up.

Many people have the organizational skills to keep their writing together, and maybe even date it or – wow! – index it. I wish I were that way, but I’m not, and never will be. I did make a small step toward organization and made a “locator book” where I write where I have put things. Now I have only one thing to lose instead of dozens…as long as I remember to use the book!

That piece of paper upset me and has been on my mind ever since I found it about two weeks before Beltane. Even though it’s important, I wasn’t ready to pursue it back in the ’90’s. I was so overwhelmed then, and I pursued the things that were pursuing me and taking over my life. I can’t fault myself: I think I made the right choice.

But now I am more stable and less often in relentless flashbacks. So I have the luxury of pursuing it now.

I have wondered for a long time why I am so fragmented. I learned that fragments were used in one of the experimental programming systems that were implanted in me. But I couldn’t have become fragmented then: I didn’t start being used for MC experimentation until I was six. And if fragmentation had been induced at that age, there would have been a trace, a memory, a longing for a less fragmented state. I never experienced any loss or yearning.

I don’t have trouble accepting that I was pretty well dissociated before the age of six because I remember what it felt like to be dissociated back then. Early photos show the vacant stare of a dissociated child. Before the age of about a year and a half I looked like a regular baby; my face was expressive and my body seemed to move freely.

Although I remember being dissociated, I don’t remember being multiple, in the classic sense, with inner parts with separate personalities and histories and places within my mind. I remember thinking just the way I think now and I remember freezing and going blank just the way I do now.

In the writing that I discovered, I was dialoguing with a two-year-old boy, a baby still. He did not know what happened to him, but he knew it hurt. I asked if somebody did know, and he pointed to another two-year-old boy whose body was covered with intersecting black lines. He reminded me of a picture puzzle. This boy could not talk. He understood me and nodded or shook his head to communicate. Since he couldn’t tell me what had happened. he pointed to another boy.

This one was in pieces, tiny pieces. The boy with the marks tried to reassemble him. He could only find pieces that fit for one little finger. That is where the writing stopped.

What it signals to me is heart-breaking. I feel that I was electroshocked when I was two and that was what caused the fragmentation. Recently I asked a survivor half my age what a feather symbolized, as I have doodled feathers on and off since childhood, and she told me it meant electroshock. I felt validated.

I had no words at the time to describe to anybody, even  myself, what had happened, and no way to make myself whole again. But fragments could be assembled to make a small part of me, and that is how I have always experienced myself. Small groups of fragments come together to write a blog entry or feed the cats and then dissolve, waiting safely someplace until needed again.

I’ve also always had some confusion about my gender. I know I am a woman, and I don’t feel like a man in a woman’s body. There are times, however, especially when I first wake up, when I am surprised to find that I am a woman. I remembered abuse when I was five that explained the confusion to my satisfaction. Looking at the writing, though, it seems to me that messing with my beliefs about my gender started around the age of two. Why? I have no idea, at least consciously

It just now occurred to me that the first little boy I spoke with is, indeed an alter. He took me forward in time to the moment when he felt the electroshock and then to when he was fragmented and no longer himself.  It shows me I was once unfragmented but have forgotten what that felt like. although I do have a couple of memories from before the age of two. Was I multiple then? I don’t know.

Every answer brings up more questions. I know that this process will continue for the rest of my life. Each time I get an answer, with its accompanying questions, I know myself a little better. I know for sure that there will not be enough time to answer all the questions raised, and so I shall never completely know my past. Some days that makes me sad and angry, other days I think I know all too much about my past, and that too makes me sad and angry.

 

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26 thoughts on “I Wish I Had Kept an RA Journal

  1. Why would a Masonic lodge build stone pyramids,literally, have only a small hallway with the walls blocked off by huge marble sections. I saw a video of a man who snuck in and video taped it all. After that a high wire fence, nasty dogs and men with guns patrol the area. There are 3 pyramids. You can look it up on Youtube………pyramids in Quakertown. Masons don’t need that much protection.

    Taking care of someone else is easier than taking care of me. I haven’t yet asked about home care as I have a ways to go in the testing department to see if everything matches.

    Back in the 80’s I tried to be a donor for 2 people with leukemia. Sadly I didn’t match. So yes, I’ve always felt the pull to donate. Just like when I die, they can have any organ someone can use.

    Hi Shana! This is public format. I would suggest using a nickname like many of us do. Keeping your location etc out of your posts would be addicted.
    Look forward to hearing from you!
    Tracy &Co

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  2. hello jean- as far as the little boy being an altered- could be another one of us, or a group of us, bringing you home- sprite guides as it were- we do love, you know. take people home- home is paul speak for— not being under ‘them’ anymore.
    the puzzle analogy – I recognize the work. as not strictly my own—hhummm you have those who love you other than me…busy busy 1990s..

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    1. Yes – it makes sense – a group of survivor spirits who love me enable me to discover my truth, and thus get free of their control.And freedom is my home! Thank you for the idea

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      1. The 90s we’re a heady time for all of us across the country. The 70s plans finally reaching fruition. It took everyone working as a team to begin the big post cold war breakout Mc or ra don’t matter…we fight back…some survive We fight for those who are gone and those not yet home safe. . weather you know it or in not, the fleeting thought or resistance helped.

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  3. I can relate to the way you describe fragmentation very much. One thing comes to mind when I think about it, and it is that it is a way to isolate me, and it always has made me feel really isolated. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that is what I wanted to share.

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    1. Makes sense to me. I didn’t know my mind was different from other people’s until I remembered, so it doesn’t make me feel isolated. I do fret that other survivors can’t relate to me, that I don’t fit, don’t belong. But there were a thousand reasons why I was/am isolated from non-RA people, and this is just one of many.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I do think each of us are unique in our pain, experiences, strengths and gifts. I love that sharing these experiences helps us find words and ways to describe what happened; like fragmented and dissociated. I used to get made fun of fun appearing like ‘a deer in headlights’ in photos, even as a young adult. One of my healing goals is to look more connected and happy in pictures. Thanks for sharing Jean.

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        1. I can still look like that in photos.

          (dsfio — that’s the cat typing. What does he mean by dsfio?)

          I find sharing so powerful. It helps clothe our experience in words. Sometimes it connects the dots and, for me at least, it always banishes the loneliness,

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  4. Interesting post. I don’t think of myself as we, I am an I. But I am also very fragmented. Big question- why do feathers mean electroshock? Because I am kind of obsessed with them and not in a happy way.

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    1. I don’t know – didn’t ask. It makes sense to me because feathers have all these little parts attached to the quill, so it makes me think of fragments. Thinking out loud – I used to buy a lot of feathers for craft projects I never made…now they are all over the place.

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    1. I know some of my past, a good deal, I think. And I feel happier than I ever have. Joy, to me, is an intense happiness, and that doesn’t come all that often. The aging literature says that a good many older people get happier as they age.

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  5. I feel fragmented….you provided me with that word. I wonder a lot lately if I have alters, or am split, but maybe just haven’t quite realized it fully yet? How do you know? I don’t experience missing time in my current life (I don’t think), but there have been times when I have done something or said something or reacted in a way that “isn’t me” and I wonder so much why? Why/how did I do, say, or react that way? If I am, how do I communicate with the other parts of me to aid in healing or memory retrieval or understanding? My therapist hasn’t caught it yet either if I am, or he just hasn’t told me if he has. This perplexes me a lot. Because I feel something about this but can’t find all the words for what I’m feeling. Thanks for any wisdom or resources you can share with me on this topic. I so appreciate your blog..

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    1. You sound very much like me before I settled on one description. It still mystifies me, like who assembles the fragments? And how do they know which ones to pick? And is the selecter an alter, or a giant fragment, or a program? I know it’s not an outside person because I live alone.

      I often say “we” instead of “I” especially when I am talking to myself. I think I sometimes do in writing, too. I also say “you,” both in thinking and in talking out loud to myself. It’s all sort of a big muddle.

      I often pretend I have alters and talk to them. If I do, fine, if I don’t, maybe fragments come together to listen or maybe something else happens, but in any event, it seems to work. And if I spot a program, I talk to that.

      I don’t lose time, but my memory of things that happened fades very quickly. And now I am having Senior Moments, which feels like losing time. I tell somebody something that I have already told them, but forgotten I did. I hate it!!!

      I’m sorry I don’t have anything definitive to tell you, except just keep trying different things and see what helps. And trust that in time one description of your mind will seem to fit better than the others.

      Try searching for “fragmentation” and “talking through” and “talking to child parts” in this blog. Also “BASK flashbacks was very helpful to me.

      Sometimes I think I am so fragmented I might as well be a singleton.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I remember the beginning of my recovery journey. I talked, breached, was just a mess with my therapist. I didn’t know what was going on and ended up going inpatient. They diagnosed me! When I got back, I told Barb, my therapist. Her reaction……She smiled and saud,” Oh really?,! Gee I never would have known!”.
      Being just a therapist, she couldn’t tell me. It had to come from a psychiatrist! She knew all along, but couldn’t say!!
      Good luck on your journey. We’re here for you.
      Do take it slow, remember to breathe, and give yourself permission to give yourself breaks.
      Blessings Tracy

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, Tracy.

        I think whether T’s feel they can tell or not varies with the “political” climate. When the FMSF was at its peak, T’s were rightfully scared of them and didn’t want to be accused of swaying their clients. I think things are calmer now. Bi=ut it must have been infuriating.

        I was in a group and when I accepted I had RA in my background, my T told the group leader, who said she had known all along. I was sort of pissed she hadn’t told him.

        Thanks for the support!!!!!

        And how are you doing?

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        1. Just read my response where it sayss “breached”……….who wrote that? Thats not a word Ive ever used when talking bout ra.

          I’m doing the same. I’ve been cancelling my therapy appts. I don’t feel anything is getting done. Feel lime it’s a waste of time.
          My blood pressure hit 188/114…..never had that problem before. Watching sodium and fat intake. Trying to move more. Heart rate was 101. Called my doc, nurse said , ” Ok….and?” She didn’t tell me to come in for visit, nothing, so i guess im Ok.

          Oh!,,!! Do have good news! I am in the 2nd phase to be a Kidney donor! 37 yr old woman on dialysis 6 days a week!, Horrible way to live. June 20th I go to hospital known for transplants and get more blood work, see social worker and doctor and get xray of lungs. The hospital is 1 1/2 hrs away and all this will take 4-5 hrs. It’s going to be a long day!! Im feeling apprehensive this time knowing they are counting on me. I just pray everything will match and it will be successful.

          I’ve been bothered by the way I can talk so non chalantly about the abuse. It’s like I have a wall between me and my emotions I guess. I’m so monotone about it. Weird.

          I’m pulling back from reading or watching videos bout ra. Questioning if I really need to know anymore. So many new triggers when I read or watch. I don’t want to have to do the work to figure everything out. What is the purpose? It’s been a fucked up life, why do I need more info? I see you still fighting…..will you do so til you die? What kind of life is that? Who knows how much time I have left and I don’t want it spent reliving my past. When do I get to live?

          My 69yr o.d friend just told me we have a Grand Master or something like that living less than a mile away from us. He lives where the 3 huge pyramids are that no one is permitted to get near. They have the ‘eye’s in the triangle above each door. Reminds me of Illuminati. Who knows. As you can see I’m very flat while writing this.

          I hope you are well and I must say you are a brilliant and talented writer. Will you be going to the Survivorship weekend? Would love to hear you speak.

          Be well my toad friend.

          Blessings and Hugggssss

          Me

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Donating a kidney!!! I guess you decided to do this long ago. I never would be so brave. Who is going to take care of you when you get back from the hospital? Its a major major operation, if I am right. And maybe you should try eating right to make your kidney happy before the blood work gets done. I have a feeling you can do something for somebody else that you can’t do for yourself right now.

            Listen, my RA work isn’t 24/7 by any means. I make room for self-care (a zillion doctors and things like that) and the garden and reading and solitaire. I don’t push for things to come up, but when they do, I do pay attention to them. And I can get pretty matter of fact, almost emotionless, about my abuse. That’s cause most of my memories come in the “just knowing” form – the K (for cognition) of BASK flashbacks. I have an article on that if you want to search for it.

            I’ll fight until I die unless nothing more comes up. But I don’t go looking for triggers any more.

            Unfortunately RA is common enough that there is probable somebody a mile or so from many of us. I know for sure, living in a city, there are many in that radius around me. As long as they don’t bother me, I won’t bother them LOL That thing sounds like a Masonic lodge, BTW.

            Thanks for saying I am brilliant and talented. I don’t think so, but if you do, it help me keep going!

            No, I didn’t go to the Survivorship conference this year. It was too close to my grandkid’s HS graduation – I am leaving tomorrow. I find travel tiring and so space it out. As it was, I had heard just about everybody who spoke at Survivorship. And it seems like I don’t speak any more, although I might if I were tempted enough by the conference. Don’t know what I would talk about, though.

            One thing I have been tempted about is putting on some webinars – many of you have really interestingthings to share. So many ideas, so little spare time!

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          2. hey tracy- hang in there man! we all reach a point, sometime or another when it feels like nothing is being accomplished. it is a long road1 I don’t know what to do about people who engage in r.a. who live near. I am in a new town and it only took a month or two for them to show on my inner radar! I hate todo nothing, but legal issues keep me from doing what I feel should be done.as far as speaking about your experiences in a monotone- I have been told I do the same thing- detachment works both ways- we must defend ourselves and by speaking this way we do-I cant really express those things with out massive amounts of emotion unless I go to a place where when I speak of those things I use a monotone. a defense! again hang in there! paul

            Liked by 1 person

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