Halloween is finally here. It is particularly intense this year because there is a full moon. Not only that, it’s a Blue Moon! (A Blue Moon is the second full moon to occur in a month.)

Please try to take super good care of yourself. Stay as safe as you possibly can; be aware of your surroundings, shield yourself from triggers, stay in touch with safe people, and remember your terrified parts and try to soothe them.


I feel I have been spending a lot of time being angry at the lasting physical harm ritual abuse causes us: it’s not over when it is over. At least I have been spending a lot of time writing about it! I have also been spending a lot of time hand-washing the delicate rayon and gauzy cotton summer clothes I love so and digging out warmer clothes from the obscure places I put them last spring. And the cat has been barfing in odd places, a little here, a little there. I am quite aware that I cannot blame everything on the cult.

Something different caught my attention, something I had never heard of. Somebody told me about “DeprogramWiki: Identifying and Deprogramming Undetectable Mind Controls.” I don’t know enough about government/military mind control because my mind control experiences were very, very different. My mind was simply used as a blackboard to sketch out programming systems and see which ones looked promising.

This site is a fountain of information (and some misinformation.) I’ve been sampling different parts of the site, reading a little here, a little there. Except for svali’s latest book, “It’s Not Impossible,” which I have been reading start to finish – well, middle to start to middle, back to reading something I had already read, to middle, and finally to finish.

About the books – I do know that svali gave permission to publish her latest book, but I don’t know if Fritz Springmeier or other authors of copyrighted material reproduced here did. This bothers me as a librarian wannabe.

All of Springmeier’s books are available for download – “The Illuminati Formula Used to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Control Slave,” “Deeper Insights into the Illuminati Formula,” and “Bloodlines of the Illuminati.” If you choose to read these books, be prepared for anti-gay and anti-Semitic material. Use your own experiences and your best judgment in deciding what to believe. Having said that, there is much of value in his work.

In addition to svali’s book, links to all of her blog posts (as far as I can tell) are on DeprogramWiki. They were taken down for several years, and there was no trace of her on the Internet. When she resurfaced, I wrote a blog post about her so others could benefit from her work. Here it is: 

Now, this is very funny. I reread my post, and guess what! I knew about DeprogramWiki back in 2017! I was so happy to find svali that I skipped right over the rest of the material in DeprogramWiki. I’m not embarrassed about forgetting things anymore, so I am not going to rewrite anything to hide my un-remembering. 

I come by my leaky memory honorably. It is a battle scar.

Take your time exploring DeprogramWiki. Mind control programming and deprogramming are heavy-duty reading, and it’s easy to freak yourself out. Me, I am protected from freaking out when I read about mind control. 

How do I do it? It helps that I did not live through these things, for the most part. It is horrendous, but it doesn’t cause flashbacks. When something is too heavy, I simply forget what I read, sentence by sentence. It doesn’t make for productive studying, but it sure is an effective defense.


Here is the Table of Contents of DeprogramWiki. I have eliminated the descriptions of the entries because I did not find them all that helpful. In order to save you frustration, I have also taken out all entries that are not currently on the Web. If you find a page that is on DeprogramWiki but not on the Web, go to and enter the url in the Wayback Machine.


PDF Resources and Downloads
Ritual Abuse and Mind Control – Manipulation of Attachment Needs (PDF Download
Chainless Slaves (PDF Download
Ritual Abuse and Torture in Australia 2006 (PDF Download)
Its Not Impossible – Svali (PDF Download)

Other Links to Blogs and Websites
From the Inside Out 
Surviving Ritual Abuse at Australia
Breaking the Circle of Satanic Ritual Abuse – (Excerpt from the book, plus links to many other mind control pages.)
Ritual Abuse and Mind Control—Kathleen Sullivan
Menawa – Ritual Abuse & How to Heal
Some Indicators of Trauma-Based Mind Control Programming
S.M.A.R.T Healing from Ritual Abuse and Mind Control – From a presentation by Carol Rutz.
Tu’ Takana’s Blog Spot  MK Ultra Survivor – Anya Brigg’s bog
Project MKUltra
Ultra Mk Universal Super Soldier Program
clandestine rage revealed 
End Ritual Abuse 
Inner Peace after Satanic Ritual Abuse
Account of “Brice Taylor” and her daughter “Kelly” (and account of Cathy O’Brien)
THE GREENBAUM SPEECH of D.C.HAMMOND (“Hypnosis in MPD: Ritual Abuse”) 
Wikipedia: Satanic Ritual Abuse
CIA MKULTRA Collection – The Black Vault
Central Intelligence Agency collection : Internet Archive
List of 149 MKULTRA Subprojects (
The People’s History: MK-ULTRA: The CIA and Mind Control
Project Bluebird: Deliberate Creation of Multiple Personality by Psychiatrists by Colin A. Ross M.D. (10-Page Summary)
The Search for the Manchurian Candidate: The CIA and Mind Control: The Secret History of the Behavioral Sciences by John D. Marks (read online at, and in PDF
Mind Control Summary: The Secrets of Mind Control Based on Three Books by Top Mind Control Researchers
CIA Mind Control Experiments
5 Most Shocking CIA Experiments of Project MKULTRA – YouTube
Programmed to Kill by David McGovern (overview)
Programmed to Kill: The Politics of Serial Murder by David McGowan (pdf)</a
Operation Midnight Climax – Wikispooks
Monarch Project | The Conspiracy Wiki
Project Monarch: Nazi Mind Control by Ron Patton
Monarch: The New Phoenix Program (Documentary)
Monarch The New Phoenix Program by Marshall Thomas
Origins and Techniques of Monarch Mind Control – The Vigilant Citizen
Trance-Formation of America by Mark Philips and Cathy O’Brien (PDF)
Thanks For The Memories: The Memoirs of Bob Hope’s and Henry 
Kissinger’s Mind-Controlled Slave by Brice Taylor
The World of Mind Control Through the Eyes of an Artist with 13 Alter Personas (Kim Noble)
[Original Content] MK-ULTRA: The CIA’s research program into ‘Biological Behavioral Engineering’, AKA Mind Control. PART 1: Introduction, Brainwashing, and the Society for the Investigation of Human Ecology
[Original Content] MK-ULTRA: The CIA’s research program into ‘Biological Behavioral Engineering’, AKA Mind Control. PART 2: Unwitting Testing, Entrapment, and the Personality Assessment System
[Original Content] MK-ULTRA: The CIA’s research program into ‘Biological Behavioral Engineering’, AKA Mind Control. PART 3: Hypnotism
original MKULTRA document detailing basic hypnosis techniques (PDF)
original MKULTRA document detailing experiments in hypnotizing children into planting and arming bombs (PDF)
original MKULTRA document describing the creation of a mind controlled killer (PDF)
original Project Artichoke document describing a U.S. government human experimentation program (PDF)


Upcoming Holidays

10/31 Full moon (Blue Moon)
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year
11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/2 All Souls’ Day
11/11 Veterans’ Day (?)
11/13 Friday the thirteenth
11/26 Thanksgiving Day (United States)
11/30 Full moon
11/30 St Andrew’s Day
Sundays of advent: 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19
12/4 Total Solar Eclipse
12/14 Total solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Chile and parts of Argentina. Partial eclipse will be visible in southern South America and south-east Africa. See
12/18 Full Moon
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/5 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah  (Jewish Festival of Lights)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


* How to add a comment after a post This blog’s design makes it hard to figure out how to comment. Go down to the bottom of the post (after the calendar) You will see in light grey type: “RATE THIS” tagged (a list of the tags) (the number of) comments” Click on the word “comments” to open all posted comments.

At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.

* You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Halloween {personal)
Halloween (background)
Yule/Winter Solstice 
Valentine’s Day
Spring Equinox
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:
Mothers’ Day:
Fathers’ Day:
Summer Solstice (corrected text)
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2
Fall Equinox


Targeted Individuals and Gang Stalking

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Note: Additional information on the following holidays is available at:
Labor Day:
Feast of the Beast:
Fall Equinox:
Halloween (personal):

~~~~~ (Ritual Abuse, Ritual Crime, and Healing) is receiving more and more requests for help with being targeted and with being a victim of gang stalking. I know very little about these issues and have only a few web pages to offer.

I’m reluctant to plunge in and educate myself because it is a HUGE project covering many different areas. I don’t even have the time or energy to do all the things I am already committed to. I just can’t take on anything that big. To be honest, I shouldn’t take on anything new right now, no matter how small!

I’ll share what little I do know and point you to some resources.

Definitions: “Targeted Individuals” or “TI’s” are people who are being attacked using electromagnetic waves and other technological devices to make them hear noises and voices, to make them sick, or to cause pain. These devices are sometimes called psychotronics. “Gang Stalking” is a coordinated attack by multiple people to ruin a person’s life by spreading rumors, destroying possessions, hacking computers, and making them feel powerless and appear crazy.

People from all over the world and from all walks of life report being attacked in these ways. Few can see any reason for being attacked. Even fewer identify as survivors of ritual abuse or government mind control. The mystery – “Why me?” – nags at them constantly.

Nobody has an answer as to why some people are chosen and others not. Perhaps there is a reason they are completely unaware of, and the attack is an effort to prevent them from becoming a threat to the abusers. Perhaps people are being trained in the use of these devices and techniques and picking victims at random. Perhaps they are simply sadistic and getting off on it. I simply don’t know.

I surfed for a long time among the hundreds of sites on TI’s and gang stalking.

Websites that give advice on how to keep your belief in your sanity are highly recommended; they offer much-needed hope. I also like sites that offer numerous links to articles and other websites, inviting you to choose and form your own opinion.

Be careful with forums and message boards, for surely they are heavily infiltrated. If you post about your situation, you are simply giving them information to use against you. They also tend to amplify fear and despair. I also caution against any site that claims it has the whole truth and everybody else is wrong. Keep firmly in touch with your own common sense.

Here are some websites that offer a good place to start exploring

(Note: Many websites listed are no longer in existence. Of these, a large percentage have been archived and can be accessed at Just type the url into the WayBack Machine and choose a year with many entries.)

Targeted Individuals 101 – This is probably the most useful website that I came across. It gives practical advice on how to protect yourself from these attacks and It also lists thousands of webpages and blogs. 

Democratic Fundamentalism: Standing up for the Fundamental Principles of Democracy – A matter-of-fact page with links to other informative websites.

Targeted Individuals: Freedom of thoughts, beliefs, opinions, expressions – A very well-organized website with links to books, blogs, other websites, and videos.

Mind Justice – Many links to books and articles about non-lethal weapons and their use.

I hope none of you ever need this information, but if you do, it’s good to know there are resources on the Internet.


Upcoming Holidays

8/15 Full moon
9/2 Labor Day (US)
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/13 Full moon
9/23 Fall equinox
10/13 Full moon
10/13 Friday the Thirteenth, Backward Halloween
10/14 (?) Columbus Day
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 Start of WW2
9/29 – 10/1 Rosh Hashanah (New Year, Day of Judgement)
10/8 – 10/9 Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/13 – 10/20 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, harvest festival)
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s actual half-birthday
10/21 Hitler’s alternative half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and 10/20. His alternate birthday is celebrated on Easter of the current year and his alternate half-birthday six months later.)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

I Wish I Had Kept an RA Journal

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”
* Looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and supportive therapists or pastors about the project? They can write me at for more information. Thank you so much!

I Wish I Had Kept an RA Journal

The other day I came across a piece of paper. It was writing dating from sometime between 1994 and 1996, a time when many memories were surfacing. I have no recollection of writing it.

I’ve never been good at journaling. I start one, do a few pages, put it aside and forget about it. Then when I need to write something down I either start a new journal or grab any old piece of paper. Since there is no central place I keep all these writings, I cannot go back and look something up.

Many people have the organizational skills to keep their writing together, and maybe even date it or – wow! – index it. I wish I were that way, but I’m not, and never will be. I did make a small step toward organization and made a “locator book” where I write where I have put things. Now I have only one thing to lose instead of dozens…as long as I remember to use the book!

That piece of paper upset me and has been on my mind ever since I found it about two weeks before Beltane. Even though it’s important, I wasn’t ready to pursue it back in the ’90’s. I was so overwhelmed then, and I pursued the things that were pursuing me and taking over my life. I can’t fault myself: I think I made the right choice.

But now I am more stable and less often in relentless flashbacks. So I have the luxury of pursuing it now.

I have wondered for a long time why I am so fragmented. I learned that fragments were used in one of the experimental programming systems that were implanted in me. But I couldn’t have become fragmented then: I didn’t start being used for MC experimentation until I was six. And if fragmentation had been induced at that age, there would have been a trace, a memory, a longing for a less fragmented state. I never experienced any loss or yearning.

I don’t have trouble accepting that I was pretty well dissociated before the age of six because I remember what it felt like to be dissociated back then. Early photos show the vacant stare of a dissociated child. Before the age of about a year and a half I looked like a regular baby; my face was expressive and my body seemed to move freely.

Although I remember being dissociated, I don’t remember being multiple, in the classic sense, with inner parts with separate personalities and histories and places within my mind. I remember thinking just the way I think now and I remember freezing and going blank just the way I do now.

In the writing that I discovered, I was dialoguing with a two-year-old boy, a baby still. He did not know what happened to him, but he knew it hurt. I asked if somebody did know, and he pointed to another two-year-old boy whose body was covered with intersecting black lines. He reminded me of a picture puzzle. This boy could not talk. He understood me and nodded or shook his head to communicate. Since he couldn’t tell me what had happened. he pointed to another boy.

This one was in pieces, tiny pieces. The boy with the marks tried to reassemble him. He could only find pieces that fit for one little finger. That is where the writing stopped.

What it signals to me is heart-breaking. I feel that I was electroshocked when I was two and that was what caused the fragmentation. Recently I asked a survivor half my age what a feather symbolized, as I have doodled feathers on and off since childhood, and she told me it meant electroshock. I felt validated.

I had no words at the time to describe to anybody, even  myself, what had happened, and no way to make myself whole again. But fragments could be assembled to make a small part of me, and that is how I have always experienced myself. Small groups of fragments come together to write a blog entry or feed the cats and then dissolve, waiting safely someplace until needed again.

I’ve also always had some confusion about my gender. I know I am a woman, and I don’t feel like a man in a woman’s body. There are times, however, especially when I first wake up, when I am surprised to find that I am a woman. I remembered abuse when I was five that explained the confusion to my satisfaction. Looking at the writing, though, it seems to me that messing with my beliefs about my gender started around the age of two. Why? I have no idea, at least consciously

It just now occurred to me that the first little boy I spoke with is, indeed an alter. He took me forward in time to the moment when he felt the electroshock and then to when he was fragmented and no longer himself.  It shows me I was once unfragmented but have forgotten what that felt like. although I do have a couple of memories from before the age of two. Was I multiple then? I don’t know.

Every answer brings up more questions. I know that this process will continue for the rest of my life. Each time I get an answer, with its accompanying questions, I know myself a little better. I know for sure that there will not be enough time to answer all the questions raised, and so I shall never completely know my past. Some days that makes me sad and angry, other days I think I know all too much about my past, and that too makes me sad and angry.


Upcoming Holidays
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon
7/4 Fourth of July/US Independence Day
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Full Moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)