Boundaries

I Really Need Help with This

GrassRoots is growing and it is getting too much for three people to handle. I know we can do anything we set our minds to, but we can’t do everything!!! Especially everything all at once. We are stretched very thin right now.

We badly need somebody to add material to the webpage – events, articles, etc.

I know some of you have the skills because I know you have your own blogs, your own Webpages. I also know that you may have the skills but not the time.

First of all, what I am asking for is to let me know I am heard. Just a quick note in the comments: “I would love to help, but I can’t now.” Or “I don’t have the time, or am not in a good space, or have so many computer problems that I never want to see another computer in my whole life.” or “I hear you, but I don’t know how to do that.”

And, if you can’t help – think for a moment – do you know a survivor friend who might be interested? If so, tell them it’s a low-key way to help survivors all over the world – and we are a fun group of people to work with, besides.

Contact me on the comments  section or at https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/contact-us/

Thank you so very much!

Boundaries

I’ve been meaning to write about this for a while, but other things were more pressing.

I used to think of a good boundary as a well-built stone wall, about ten feet tall, with lots of barbed wire at the top. Ain’t nobody gonna get in there!

And a poor one was a few short sticks in the ground joined by pretty ribbons. So easy to breach! Just step over it; you don’t even have to knock the sticks down.

Like most things, boundaries are in-between. Not black, not white, but some shade of grey.

What’s more, they are fluid. They shift depending on the circumstances. An offer of a kiss from a stranger on the street merits a ten-foot tall stone wall, while an offer of a kiss from a dearly beloved Significant Other is protected by invisible ink.

Even with the same person, boundaries shift depending on the circumstances. For example, I wouldn’t allow a long passionate kiss with my SO when one of us was driving. Or in front of my grandmother. Or in the middle of a supermarket, for that matter.

Different people set their boundaries at different points and defend them more or less fiercely. Somebody who is socially anxious and self-conscious will be quite different in this respect from somebody happy and self-confident.

Then there is the matter of culture. Things that are okay in one culture are taboo in another. How much miscommunication and hurt can result from a breach of a personal boundary through ignorance! Imagine an Italian man and a Japanese man meeting for the first time, knowing nothing of the other’s nation’s culture. In ten minutes, both would be bewildered and frustrated and confused!

Anyway, that’s just the nature of boundaries. Everybody has the task of learning where they should be set in hundreds of different situations. On top of that, they have to decide if they want to follow their parent’s example or figure out something on their own.

But we, dear readers, are different from folks that are just like everybody else. A goodly number of us have many inner parts with many different needs and many different fears. When they are out, they will set boundaries the best they can for themselves, and their choice may not look like what other parts who come to the front would choose.

The solution, of course, is inner communication. Which can take decades to achieve, as many of us know and the rest suspect at times.

But Oh! Even with perfect inner communication, the process of setting boundaries is not easy. For one, it often takes forever to reach a decision. Consensus? Majority vote? Loudest voice wins? And by the time the decision is made, the opportunity to choose may have disappeared.

Let’s say somebody just insulted me. Loud inner uproar ensures. Do I punch them in the nose? Walk away? Stare in blank amazement? Threaten to sue? Say, “I am so sorry you feel that way. You must be having a really bad day. Is there anything I can do to help?” Meanwhile, the other person is long gone – say three days gone.

I think that working with boundaries is a life-long process, like working with your hair. Right now, my hair is longer than usual and not colored, and my boundaries are tighter than usual. I’m much better at saying, “No.” But on occasion, I still blow it.

I noticed that those occasions often involve men. Men in authority (or who aren’t, but act like they are.) Men who are tall. Men with loud voices. Men who seem to know what they are talking about. Men who seem dangerous. It’s pretty obvious to me that these men trigger fear caused by childhood perpetrators – a good many of them, I would say.

I get all flustered and become unsure of myself. Am I right? Doesn’t matter right now – what’s important is how can I calm myself and get out of the situation. I have worked on some responses that will give me that distance. My current favorite is, “I will have to think about that. I’ll get back to you on it.”

My most brilliant response, one that confirmed I could actually deflect the attack, feel safe, and not lose my self-esteem, was, “Oh, I have learned to never argue with men about cars.” I was thrilled!

I was too much in the present at that moment to realize how far I had come. Not long before, I would have become suicidal. (As if killing myself would have won the argument. I don’t think so.)

In summary, boundaries have to be tinkered with all your life. That’s not a failure; that’s just the way things are. Success is learning to make those adjustments so that you may stay safe, both physically and emotionally. With practice, you get a better sense of where the boundary should fall to achieve your goal. With time, you can do this more rapidly.

And with time, you will learn that you don’t know everything there is to know, and you never will, and you can forgive yourself for making a mistake.

~~~~~~~~~~ 

Upcoming Holidays

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 (?) St. Bartholomew’s Day

September
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

October
10/9 Full Moon
10/10 Columbus Day
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/25 Partial solar eclipse visible in Europe, the Urals, Western Siberia, the Middle East, India, Western Asia, and northeast Africa. https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/solar/2022-october-25
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year 

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups 

10/1: Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrations. 
9/22:  autumnal equinox, “Fall Festival.”
10/16: Death of Rosenburg, a Nazi leader in World War II. (Many Nazi leaders were captured and scheduled for trial in late September and early October. Most of them killed themselves prior to trial.) 
10/17 Hitler’s alternate half birthday (6 months from Easter, 2022)
10/19: Death of Hermann Goering, a Nazi leader in World War II. 
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
10/31 – 11/1 Halloween

~~~~~~~~~~

You can find more information on the following holidays at: Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/

7 thoughts on “Boundaries

  1. Jean, I do hear you, loud and clear. I wish I could help out, but I am not in a great place right now. I’m recovering from some trauma during the last year and trying to get ready for hubby’s surgery. I feel badly because I so want to help out. Flower

    Like

    1. Flower, it’s okay. I know you have enough on your plate for a dozen people, at least. When life calms down, I am sure you will join us in some capacity.

      But thank you for saying you heard me. It feels so much better than talking into a void! I know there are real people out there who read my words and wish me well. They can’t fill the need for this particular job, but they sure fill my need for acknowledgment and connection.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you don’t feel you are good with people – technology, who cares? Well, I guess it’s who cares as much? But actually, Libby, we usually are better with people than we think we are – it’s the anxiety including things. I hope it eases uip for you soon.

      Liked by 1 person

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