Miscellaneous Items About Ritual Abuse And My Cat, Spencer

Sorry, Folks

I finally did it. I spilled coffee all over my keyboard. And, boy, did I freak out! It was the final, the absolutely final straw. (Don’t ask!) But now I have a new one, and as soon as I figured out how to turn it on, it worked! The whole day was shot, however, because I ran around shrieking like a crazed weasel and didn’t get a damn thing done. So this post has no theme, just little bits and pieces of (hopefully) interesting things.

The New Blog Will Be Here Soon!

My wonderful sweet Web Manager tells me that it is almost finished and that it is time for her to start teaching me how to use it. She is very patient with me, and that makes me feel secure. In the past, I figured things out by myself, and it seemed like it took forever. Now I have friends who are more at ease with technology than I am and who have helped me with ZOOM and Google Docs. My Web Manager assures me it’s easier than WordPress, which gets more complicated every day. She says it’s actually fun! That is not a word that comes to mind when I think of WordPress.

So sometime in April, the blog will move to SquareSpace. This one will remain up so that people can look through the archives. The last post on WordPress will explain all this, and there will be a notice on the SquareSpace blog telling people about the old blog.

I’ve decided that I want to repost – or maybe rewrite – the most popular of the WordPress articles. And, in honor of thirteen years of blogging, the very first article post on WordPress will also be the first post on SquareSpace. I’m getting excited!

Healing Often Isn’t Much Fun

I found Fanny Priest’s blog, and I like it a lot. She doesn’t seem to be a CSA survivor, pretty certainly not an RA or MC survivor. Yet so much resonates with me. https://resourced.substack.com/p/healing-isnt-supposed-to-feel-good?publication_id=946996&post_id=108188161&isFreemail=true

Here are two quotes from a post on becoming a mother that speak to me today, even though my issues are different. I often feel this way as I try to practice self-care in the midst of my struggle to understand and live with my past in a better way. 

“Healing – in the context of trauma, at least – is about shifting deep underlying patterns of protection towards patterns of connection. It’s about naming, interrogating, interrupting, and ultimately transforming patterns that have held us firm to the belief that our bodies are bad, that our feelings are too much, that our needs don’t matter, that our worth is tied to our productivity, that our humanity is dependent on our proximity to power. And, more often than not, this kind of healing – the deep, lasting kind, the kind that transforms lives and communities – totally feels like shit.”

“Finding small moments of joy in the midst of struggle is an act of resistance.” 

Those precious moments of joy (and peace, understanding, and compassion) remind me that healing is, indeed, worth every moment of pain and struggle.

The Trafficking Conference Videos Are Available!

Just a reminder – these presentations tell the truth about our lives. They are both heavy and inspiring and can also be very triggering.

 “The Interface Between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse (RA), and Mind Control (MC) Programming.” 

Part 1: The panelists, ranging in age from 58 to 85, were all introduced to sex trafficking by their families. Their experiences ranged from being exploited by a local group of pedophiles to global elite child sex trafficking rings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855pdTCJ4_s

 

Part 2: Panelists describe their escape and entry into healing, how their abusers attempted to maintain control, signs and symptoms specific to their ritual abuse and mind control programming, and share their recovery process and work for the survivor community. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4asQx4cecI

Spencer May Not Be the Ideal Cat, But I Love Him

I read up on Turkish Vans on Wikipedia. The part on breed history and genetics was quite interesting. The section on behavior was upsetting. If I had read it before I started window shopping for adoptable Vans, I might not have fallen in love with a photo and ended up with Spencer. But he is here, and he is gorgeous, and I am in love with him, and that’s that. 

From Wikipedia: (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turkish_Van)

“The TICA standard[9] notes several characteristics, including their high intelligence, energy and playfulness – also making them somewhat mischievous. Muscular and highly driven, they like to climb and perch high up, to study their environment, and they get around their domain with impressive athleticism. They make quite successful hunters as a consequence. Their drive makes them easily trainable with positive reinforcement – to play fetch, do tricks or walk on a leash. Although there may be efforts to move the breed towards greater sociability.[2] a 2021 study in Finland[10] did find that the Turkish Vans in their research showed higher than average tendencies towards fearfulness, aggression towards humans, as well as a lower stress tolerance (notable excessive grooming and litter-box problems), and lower sociability to humans and cats.

Curious, Turkish Vans want to be with their owner participating in whatever is happening, and so they may follow a person from room to room.[9] While Turkish vans are affectionate to their family members, these are not normally lap cats. They may lie next to their owners and will happily allow themselves to be petted, but this is not a breed that tolerates being picked up and often wants to be near their owner, not on their owner.[11]”

The Finnish study link was clickable. The charts do, indeed, show that Turkish Vans are near the top in terms of playfulness and activity. However, they score very high in fearfulness and are by far the most aggressive toward humans. They are way below average in sociability toward humans and the least sociable with other cats. They have litter box problems and other neurotic behaviors when stressed – and they get easily stressed.

That’s my kitty cat!

Coordinating Medical Care

I’m searching for somebody to help me coordinate all the doctors treating the many diseases I have collected over the years. I know lots of us have chronic conditions, and I am sure a fair number of us find it hard to get the doctors working together, especially when there are no team meetings. It’s hard enough to have a chronic illness, but finding the time and energy to deal with doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies can feel impossible. 

Here are two national directories to help you deal with medical problems. 

1. National Association of Health Care Advisors https://nahac.com/  

This association offers healthcare coordination to people of all ages. To find somebody near you, click “Directory of Advocates” on the footer.

2. Aging Life Care Associates https://www.aginglifecare.org 

A large organization of certified professionals dedicated to helping seniors lead a fulfilling, self-directed life as long as possible. Among its resources are a blog, newsletters, and a peer-reviewed journal. When I entered my zip code, I received the name of 25 members within a 15-mile radius. They offered a variety of services, not just medical care coordination.

 

 

Ritual Abuse Survivors and Eating Disorders

The Trafficking Conference Videos Are Up!

On September 23, 2022, Donna Lyon, Jean Riseman, Mary Bolger, and Anneke Lucas presented at the International Conference for Human Trafficking and Social Justice.  https://www.traffickingconference.com

The presentation is titled “The Interface Between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse (RA), and Mind Control (MC) Programming.” There was too much material to fit into 45 minutes, so it was split into two parts. The conference attendees were a very diverse group, including trafficking survivors (many were RA/MC survivors), law enforcement, ministers, therapists, researchers, activists, and more. They were eager to learn about RA/MC.

I wrote updates for the blog about our progress working on the presentation last spring and summer. Now you can see the finished product!

Part 1: The panelists, ranging in age from 58 to 85, were all introduced to sex trafficking by their families. Their experiences ranged from being exploited by a local group of pedophiles to global elite child sex trafficking rings. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855pdTCJ4_s

Part 2: Panelists describe their escape and entry into healing, how their abusers attempted to maintain control, signs, and symptoms specific to their ritual abuse and mind control programming, and shared their recovery process and work for the survivor community. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4asQx4cecI

Ritual Abuse Survivors and Eating Disorders     

There have been two surveys (that I know of) looking at the prevalence of eating disorders in survivors of ritual abuse and other forms of extreme childhood trauma. Both were self-reporting and open to any survivor who wished to participate. One was conducted by Survivorship, a support organization for RA/MC survivors, and reached Survivorship members only. The other one, by the Extreme Abuse Survey, was open to all survivors of extreme abuse. 60% to 65% percent of respondents in the two surveys said they had an eating disorder, while less than 20% reported being alcoholic and/or drug-addicted. 

It’s not difficult to understand why eating disorders are so common among survivors. We have been made to eat and drink things that never were intended to be put in a human mouth. Food or water was withheld as punishment or to make us more susceptible to programming. And sometimes, rarely, we have been rewarded with edible food, usually junk food. 

We also may have been programmed to binge to conceal a pregnancy. Or programmed to starve ourselves to death if we are of no further use to the abusers. That’s safe for the perpetrators – it’s a murder that never will be discovered.

It’s a miracle that 100% of RA/MC survivors do not have severe eating disorders.

Severity runs on a spectrum. For me, it’s pretty mild, thank goodness. I do eat to soothe myself, but I don’t binge and purge, and I don’t overeat often enough to gain weight rapidly. I can’t remember comfort-eating in childhood, but then I had no control over what I ate. Looking back, I see that I picked it up in high school, along with yo-yo dieting. I did diet, hoping it would solve all my social problems if I lost five or ten pounds, but I was too lazy to chart my food intake or count calories. I guess you could say I dabbled in anorexia but never got hooked.

But I have gotten addicted to certain things. I count it as an addiction if a) I make sure I always have some in the house, b) I eat it daily, c) I eat more than I want to (just one more bite!), d) I minimize the problem, and d) I am ashamed of my behavior.

My weaknesses are sugar and salt, preferably in the form of potato chips. Right now, I have a serious sugar addiction, thanks to Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. I know I can stop or cut down on it…maybe next week. 

My other current food problem is trying to eat six small meals a day rather than my usual three meals. (This is a blood pressure management technique. It’s supposed to prevent drops in blood pressure after meals.) I got so bored eating all day long that I skipped meals and started losing weight without wanting to.

I figured out how to handle this. I sometimes cook a big batch of something that would taste good cold as well as hot and spread it out over three or four days. Sometimes I serve myself a regular meal and split it in half. (When my blood pressure is high, I go back to my old pattern of three normal-sized meals a day.) There is no extra preparation time and not much more eating time, so it’s not quite as boring. Although my weight is now steady, I am angry at being out of control and at having to think so much about food.

In my mind, this problem doesn’t fall under the umbrella of disordered eating. It belongs in the sub-category of self-care – all the things that are good for me but are a pain to do faithfully. More importantly, it stirs up all the dormant childhood feelings about food, the distorted beliefs, the sense of helplessness.

I don’t feel, therefore, like I am talking from the point of view of somebody who has had the experience. I can relate to some parts of living with an eating disorder, but not most. I can still validate that, yes, it is one more thing caused by your abuse. And yes, it can be life-threatening, become all-consuming, increase your shame, anxiety, and depression, affect your relations with others, and fill you with despair.

I understand where it comes from and why it is so very hard to deal with. I admire all of you who fight for a healthier relationship with food. It is a great way to give the perps the finger!

Resource List

The first two entries are my other blog articles on eating disorders. Both titles are clickable.

Eating Disorders: (an overview: facts, research, and statistics)

Healthy Eating for an RA Survivor (HA!):

Eating Disorders in Men and Boys

An excellent page, not all dry statistics. NEDA also has articles on athletes, the Jewish community, LGBTQ+, those with disabilities, people of color, and older people. 

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/learn/general-information/research-on-males

Resources for People with Eating Disorders

Here is a comprehensive list of resources that includes free online therapist-led and peer support groups, help lines, funding for treatment, and help with insurance companies. There is also a step-by-step guide to finding a therapist, making phone calls, etc.  

https://nceedsbirt.wpengine.com/patient-resources

Katherine North on Self-Acceptance

The Trafficking Conference Videos Are Up!

On September 23, 2022, Donna Lyon, Jean Riseman, Mary Bolger, and Anneke Lucas presented at The International Conference for Human Trafficking and Social Justice.  https://www.traffickingconference.com

The presentation is titled “The Interface Between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse (RA), and Mind Control (MC) Programming.” There was too much material to fit into 45 minutes, so it was split into two parts. The conference attendees were a very diverse group, including trafficking survivors (many were RA/MC survivors), law enforcement, ministers, therapists, researchers, activists, and more. They were eager to learn about RA/MC.

I wrote updates for the blog about our progress working on the presentation last spring and summer. Now you can see the finished product!

Part 1: The panelists, ranging in age from 58 to 85, were all introduced to sex trafficking by their families. Their experiences ranged from being exploited by a local group of pedophiles to global elite child sex trafficking rings.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855pdTCJ4_s

Part 2: Panelists describe their escape and entry into healing, how their abusers attempted to maintain control, signs and symptoms specific to their ritual abuse and mind control programming, and shared their recovery process and work for the survivor community.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4asQx4cecI

Computer-Assisted Translation: Cat to English

This is crazy. I could almost believe I was hallucinating.

So, Spencer remembers there were treats on the desktop a few days ago. He jumps up on my lap, then to the desktop, where he searches high and low for the treats.

Yesterday, after checking everything out thoroughly, he lay down for a nap with his head on the keyboard. Nothing unusual for a cat, right? Here comes the spooky part –

A box appears on the monitor screen with a picture of a folder and the word “Apple.” (The folder is not clickable.) At the same time, a male voice says,” Try teaching me new tricks. See what I can do for you.”

The first thing he can do for me is to stay off the frigging keyboard.

Katherine North on Self-Acceptance

I found this in my inbox one day, read it, and thought, “Gee, this applies to me. I’d like to blog about it.” So I saved it, and here it is, followed by my commentary.

You can find Katherine at https://declaredominion.com/

I spent a lot of time last weekend on my retreat sitting quietly. On the outside, nothing was visibly happening. On the inside, it felt like tectonic plates were shifting. Like something I’d been waiting for, for a long time had finally churned its way into my consciousness. 

If I could distill it down, it would be this question: 
What if instead of trying to turn myself into something good, 

I could believe that I already was something good?

I cannot express to you how colossally this blew my mind. 

It is continuing to blow my mind– to literally stop and stun me– even though, for many years, I would tell you (and believe it) that I already believed that. That while we are all complicated and some people make really terrible choices and some people get broken and some people let hatred take them — in spite of all that — that in our inherent being, humans are inherently good. 

I did believe this. 

I definitely believe it about every single one of you. 

In theory, I believed it about myself. 

But my actions told a different story. I was still always trying to improve myself, to learn how to be human like it was a foreign language, to move toward some mythic “graduation date” when I would finally be turned into something better, something good enough. 

Sonia Renee Taylor famously uses the metaphor of the acorn. She says that the acorn does not need to be given instructions on how to grow into an oak tree: it just needs some dirt and water and light and time. (And not to be paved over.) 

I wondered what kind of tree I would grow into if I weren’t trying so frantically to turn myself into something worthy. 

I love the metaphor of the apple tree. 

But am I actually an apple tree, or did I decide that’s what I am supposed to be because it can feed a village and is also beautiful? 

Maybe I am a rose, or a thistle, or a spruce. The thing is, I have no idea. Because I have been contorting toward “better” for so long that I no longer know what my true shape is. 

This year, I think I’m going to try to find out. 

love,
K

K is Katherine North, a life coach, mystic, poet, mother of five, photographer – I could go on and on. She does not coach/write about RA/MC, CPTSD, CSA, flashbacks, or cults. It’s sort of a relief! I find that her attitude and approach to life are helpful to me in trying to manage my somewhat chaotic life with humor and grace. I read everything she writes, and it is almost always a breath of fresh air.

This little essay came at a good time. I have been frustrated long enough by trying to get things done when I am brain-foggy due to low blood pressure. Last week, I remembered a motto l made up when I was deeply depressed. “If I am going suffer, I will suffer in comfort and beauty.” It was as if I flipped a switch, and bingo! I found the solution.

I simply won’t try to get anything done when my blood pressure is low. I will do pleasant things, like listen to music and eat chocolates. If I am in the mood, I will mindlessly organize some of my stuff. I might arrange the clothes in my closet by category: pants, skirts, dresses, tops, jackets, and then by color within the categories. Or maybe by least favorite, so I will be reminded of things I seldom wear. Maybe I will sit on the floor with a glass of iced tea and go through some old papers.

I might turn on the computer to play easy computer games. One I like now is Match-3 Butterflies at https://www.match3games.com/game/Butterfly+Match+3. It does all the thinking for me, but I don’t have to do what it says.

Now I l have two templates in my mind; one for low blood pressure days and one for high/normal blood pressure days. I won’t have to grope through the brain fog to decide what to do on low days because the plan is to do nothing. Eat and rest, rest and eat, and bye-bye Protestant Work Ethic.

I have relieved one or two days a week from constant frustration, and life should become a lot less stressful. Less stress means I get more done and am happier. Whatever I get done on my good days will be enough. I can manage that!

I think of all the other people dealing with brain fog; those with fibromyalgia, those with long COVID, and those whose medications mess up their thinking. And, of course, so many of us with RA/MC backgrounds. To everybody who feels they aren’t good enough at something, not smart enough, not kind enough, I say to you, write this out and put it on your fridge.

“You are enough. You are so enough it is unbelievable how enough you are.”

Thanks to Elephant Health & Wellness for posting it on their Facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/ElephantHealth