It Wasn’t Your Fault

It’s helpful to talk to child parts and to explain things that happened in simple language. Even if they don’t say anything, they will still hear what you are saying. It’s reassuring to give them the choice of listening now or later.

Children need to hear things many times before they get it. You can try telling them the same thing twice each time and repeating it often. You can set aside a time each day to talk to them — it doesn’t have to be longer than ten minutes. Or you can talk to them whenever you have a spare moment.

Here’s an example — it’s an e-mail I wrote to a child part who was feeling guilty about something she had been made to do. (I have permission to share it here.)

It wasn’t your fault

If you can’t read this, maybe you could ask somebody inside, who is a little older, to read it to you. If you are too scared right now, you can ask them to read it to you later.

It’s okay to hide, okay to stay quiet, and okay to talk, too.

You may think you are dirty inside, but you aren’t. It wasn’t your fault.

You see, grown ups teach children to do things. Nice grown ups teach them nice things, good things. Like how to play and read and tie their shoes. They tell them they did a good job.

Mean grown ups teach children awful things. Like how to have sex and how to hurt other people and animals.  And they call them names, like stupid and dirty.

Those names are lies. The children aren’t stupid or dirty or evil. The grown ups just said that to be mean.

Children are little and they have no power. They can’t run fast enough to get away. They aren’t strong enough to say no. If they try and tell, nobody helps them because nobody believes them or understands what they are saying. They can’t escape.

If you had had different parents, nice parents, you never would have done those things. It was not your fault. It was their fault because they taught you bad things.

I am so sorry you got the parents you did. It isn’t fair.

11 thoughts on “It Wasn’t Your Fault

  1. Am so relieved we found this, this afternoon, so thank you for posting this (even if we’re pretty late in finding it).

    …..wish it were possible we actually believed it’s not just what we deserve.


  2. very nice… I was particularly cognizant of talking with the little ones frequently, so they’d get used to hearing the assurances and loving that I wanted to give them… it helped them heal faster and with less chaos than it would have if I’d try to ignore them or deny their fears… thanks again for a good article.


  3. Dear fairlights

    You loved him and miss him because he was nice to you. And he was the ONLY person who was nice to you. If everybody had been nice to you, you would have loved everybody, not just him. But because he was the only one, he got all your love.

    You are not bad. Children are born wanting to love — it is like breathing. If they cannot love a person, they will love an animal, or a toy, or even a pillow or a stone. They have to love, like they have to breathe.

    I think you loved the part of him that was nice to you, but did not love the part that did bad things.

    I don’t know why he chose you. Maybe you looked like somebody he used to love when he was little. Maybe it was some other reason. Maybe deep down inside you know the answer to this.

    You are not bad, not at all. I think you will feel better if you cry because nobody else was nice to you.



    1. Dear Jean,
      thank you for write to us. now understanding. This being why we always
      have had feeling of MUCH very very Much Love to give. A;ways wanting
      to give love to others.
      You know a lot.
      thankyou from many fairlights


  4. I miss my Granpa so so much. We cry so much cuz he was the only one who was nice to us. But everyone said he was very Bad. Only when he was not around they said this. everyone was scared of him.All did what he said.
    Only me is who he liked. Only me he wanted around him.
    Why ? Is it cuz we are Bad too ? Why would he choose us ? I do not remember any hugs ever from him or any smiles. Like we just worshipped him. Very confusing. What kind of person are we to Love and hoid in awe
    such a man ? A man that we saw do very Bad things. How can this be ??
    Understand if you cannot post this.
    very sad fairlights


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