Why Am I So Angry?

There is an article on Halloween at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/

I ask myself that a lot. Often the answer from inside is “because I was abused in a cult, dummy.”  Gee, thanks, folks. Sometimes it’s more concrete, like “Because it is Halloween, dummy.” (It’s true, except for being a dummy.)

I am indeed very angry. People aren’t generally aware there’s a part of me that wants to kill. Kill many people. Indiscriminately. Torch buildings. Pull wings off butterflies. Etcetera, etcetera. I am very aware of these feelings.

That kind of behavior is against every thing I believe and strive for, every moral cell in my body. It’s against the way I have consciously been trying to live since I was a teenager. So I won’t do it, of course, Never have, never will. But I still want to.

Although my initial desire is to destroy everything in sight, it isn’t too hard to redirect my rage. It feels wonderful to tap into the defiant anger that motivates me. I feel powerful, confident, effective, even joyous. I can use it to fuel constructive behavior, knowing how offended *they* would be, how thoroughly disapproving. Knowing also that being nice, good, kind, loving, means that they failed miserably; when they realized that, they were totally ashamed of themselves. It’s not my fault that being nice humiliated them.

I’m well aware of where my anger came from and why I use it constructively. It’s rebellion, pure and simple, and a rejection of the values they tried to instill in me. I can see still myself as a child, gritting my teeth and saying to myself, “You can’t stop me. I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to do what I want in spite of you. I don’t care what you do to me.”

I couldn’t do what I wanted then, of course, because they outweighed me, outnumbered me, and had legal authority over me. But now I am as big as anybody and I am free to make my own decisions and to I do what I want, when I want. Sometimes it’s hard, and I know that sometimes I will fail, but I don’t care. I’ll do it anyway.

I was a stubborn little girl, a stubborn young woman, and I have recently become a stubborn old woman. Yes, I’m doing what I want to, despite them,  three hundred and sixty five and a quarter days a year.

 

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4 thoughts on “Why Am I So Angry?

  1. Hi Jean,

    Thanks for this piece on anger. I like it. I appreciate your honesty around the destructive feelings you have, and how you redirect them. I have such shame around these feelings, and a lot of fear of them. It’s interesting to me that you are clear about redirecting them. I feel challenged in putting them outside myself. I’ve turned them inward and directed them at myself, destructively, specifically with food, my whole life.

    It’s kind of odd, because I was the rebellious one in my family, saying, “Fuck you”, locking myself in my room, refusing to go to church, saying, “I hate you” to my parents, saying, “Go ahead, hit me” to them, not wearing a bra, standing in front of my little brother saying, “Don’t you dare touch him” when my father went after him, etc.

    But somehow I turned the “Fuck you!” on myself, mostly. It’s been a long time, and I’m not sure how to begin to undo it, at 58, in poor health, and living in extreme isolation with almost no resources.

    Deirdre

  2. Everybody has some dark impulses, but your anger seems to be directed at evil itself. It’s either a person has the spirit to stand up against the cult because that person is better, or, he likes it in the cult.
    For me it’s a little different, I see that the occult is just trash of society. Of course, I have nothing in common with the occult and I hate it with my whole heart, but I also understand that it may happen because some people are this way. It is acceptance that you may get hurt, but there are infinitely greater good things. As for the cult itself, I may even have fun with it in a way cleaning your house from trash can be fun. The cultist thought they are the power, the authority and even that the cult is God. We should replace it with valuable life in our hearts and our society. That is what I’m offering all of us to do.
    I can’t stand Halloween. It is celebration of terror that connects you with the dark forces. Today, it is being forced on the whole world through American media. Those non-pagan people that celebrate it ask for scary things to happen to them. We should celebrate enjoyable things with such passion.

  3. Was so pleased for you when I read that final paragraph 🙂 .

    Can relate to so much in this post. Thank you for sharing.

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