There is an article on Halloween at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
I ask myself that a lot. Often the answer from inside is “because I was abused in a cult, dummy.” Gee, thanks, folks. Sometimes it’s more concrete, like “Because it is Halloween, dummy.” (It’s true, except for being a dummy.)
I am indeed very angry. People aren’t generally aware there’s a part of me that wants to kill. Kill many people. Indiscriminately. Torch buildings. Pull wings off butterflies. Etcetera, etcetera. I am very aware of these feelings.
That kind of behavior is against every thing I believe and strive for, every moral cell in my body. It’s against the way I have consciously been trying to live since I was a teenager. So I won’t do it, of course, Never have, never will. But I still want to.
Although my initial desire is to destroy everything in sight, it isn’t too hard to redirect my rage. It feels wonderful to tap into the defiant anger that motivates me. I feel powerful, confident, effective, even joyous. I can use it to fuel constructive behavior, knowing how offended *they* would be, how thoroughly disapproving. Knowing also that being nice, good, kind, loving, means that they failed miserably; when they realized that, they were totally ashamed of themselves. It’s not my fault that being nice humiliated them.
I’m well aware of where my anger came from and why I use it constructively. It’s rebellion, pure and simple, and a rejection of the values they tried to instill in me. I can see still myself as a child, gritting my teeth and saying to myself, “You can’t stop me. I’m going to do it anyway. I’m going to do what I want in spite of you. I don’t care what you do to me.”
I couldn’t do what I wanted then, of course, because they outweighed me, outnumbered me, and had legal authority over me. But now I am as big as anybody and I am free to make my own decisions and to I do what I want, when I want. Sometimes it’s hard, and I know that sometimes I will fail, but I don’t care. I’ll do it anyway.
I was a stubborn little girl, a stubborn young woman, and I have recently become a stubborn old woman. Yes, I’m doing what I want to, despite them, three hundred and sixty five and a quarter days a year.