Coming Out as an RA Survivor

The 2024 Online Annual Ritual Abuse and Mind Control Conference   (S.M.A.R.T. Conference)
August 10 – 11, 2024
Information: http://ritualabuse.us/smart-conference/

“50 Voices of Ritual Abuse.”
Short interviews with ritual abuse survivors, most from Europe. Some of you may recognize Svali, Anneke Lucas, and others with websites or YouTube channels. https://www.50voices.org/en/start-en/

“They Know Not What They Do: Illustrated Mind Control Programming” by Cisco Wheeler.
Cisco Wheeler shares her artwork on one page and then describes the mind-control programming it represents on the other. The complete book is available in PDF form for free.
https://ia601501.us.archive.org/22/items/volume-1-they-know-not-what-they-do-text/They%20Know%20Not%20What%20They%20Do.pdf

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I’m taking a break from ruminating about polyfragmentation and turning back to the early days of remembering. What helped me get through that amazingly horrible time? I wish I had videos of what was racing through my mind – how helpful they would be today!

Having models I could try and fit the chaos into was immensely helpful all through this complicated process of self-discovery. I’ve written about the BASK model of flashbacks and how helpful it has been to me. Now, I would like to share a model taught to me by hundreds of people.

Only a couple of years before the first memories came, I had been working at a community mental health center for gay and lesbian clients. It was my dream job. Besides seeing individuals, couples, and families, I co-led groups for both lesbians and gay men. I also supervised interns and volunteers, helped with grant writing, participated in the development of a continuing education program, and served as the resident expert on working with straight parents.

A lot of our work was with people who were questioning their sexuality or had recently come out, at least to themselves. The rest had already come out and were dealing with other issues. Since you are continually meeting new people, coming out is a life-time process, not a single event.

There were many parallels between coming out as gay or lesbian and realizing I was a ritual abuse survivor. The initial reaction veered between shock, disbelief, fear, anger, sadness, guilt, relief, and curiosity. Later in the process came acceptance, greater self-esteem, less depression, gratitude for finally knowing “what was wrong with me,” and peacefulness. These reactions did not come in any particular order – I dipped into one state, moved on to another, circled back, and moved on again, over and over.

I’m not as frantic now that I know what to expect, and I consider moving from one reaction to another to be normal. Since the coming-out model worked so well for discovering my RA/MC past, I use it for everyday changes, too. Right now, it’s a big help in adapting to aging and to a new living situation.

At that job, I saw people explore possibilities in the outside world. Who to tell? When and how to tell them? How to meet others like me? Where to meet them? What to say to them? Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will they laugh at me or like me?

I ask myself the same questions today. At least my family knows, even if I haven’t shared many details. But now I am living in a community where I would be surprised if even one other person had experienced ritual abuse or been used in child pornography.

Do I want to disclose to anybody else here? Yes. How do I do that? I choose one person and tell them privately. I try to let the subject flow organically from our conversation. Either child pornography or intergenerational Satanism is easier to explain than mind control experimentation. I keep it general and pay attention to the other person’s reaction.

If they listen, say a couple of polite things, and then change the subject, I don’t mention it again. If they need or want more information, they know where to find it. That’s enough.

Luckily, the Internet was opened to the public a few short years after The first flashbacks, and I now have a lot of online survivor friends. Back in 1989, when I first remembered, I knew no other survivors. If I had been able to find an RA support group or come across several other survivors, I would have felt validated and understood a lot sooner. As it happened, I did find a fellow survivor within a month, and that was wonderful for me. We were different in many ways – not the least was an age gap. She was 17, and I was 52. Old enough to be her mother or even her grandmother! It didn’t matter – we became friends trying to find our way into safety and freedom.

Coming out to oneself is about self-acceptance. It’s also about acceptance of the past and of the memories and feelings that have been pushed down for so long. And it’s about the future, learning to live the rest of your life in a different way.

None of the people I saw as clients had any idea that they were teaching me something that would get me through one of the most difficult periods of my life. And that what I learned would continue to help me whenever I was challenged to adapt to a new discovery or situation. I wish I could thank each of them in person, but it is too late. I hope they know that sharing their struggles benefits others, even those who are straight.

I am very grateful to all of you.