Value-Free Abilities, Feelings, and Actions

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Fathers’ Day –

is the first in a series of Holiday Zoom Open Houses For Survivors of RA/MC.
On miserable, triggery days, like the solstices, equinoxes, Christmas, Easter, and “Hallmark Card” days, survivors often choose to be alone rather than be among people who just don’t understand. Now, thanks to ZOOM and joanies, you have a third choice. Bring a meal or a snack and eat together, or just hang out with other RA/MC survivors. No need to stay the whole time if you don’t want to.

Sunday, June 19, 2022, 2:00 PM-4:00 PM Pacific Time (Not a celebration of Father’s Day – it is a time to celebrate each other!)
Register here

Poetry Reading

There will be another virtual poetry reading on Saturday, June 25, from 4:00 PM to 5:30 PM Pacific Time. That is Sunday, June 26, 9:00 AM to 10:30 AM Melbourne, AUS Time. The invitation to attend is open to survivors, therapists, support people, and allies.

This is an open event for any survivor of RA/MC to present a 1-3 minute poem about “Being Victimized, Surviving, and Living Fully.” The poem can be on all three topics or on only one or two of the topics. You may also pair visual art with your poem or perform through song.

The event will be in open-mic style, and presenters will sign up through the chat on the day of the event.

Register here:

Value-Free Abilities, Feelings, and Actions

This is a topic I have been mulling over for years now. I’ll tell you what started me off.

I realized that some of the qualities in myself that I value had also been valued by the cult. I can’t say they were exactly nurtured, for they were demanded on pain of lots and lots of pain if I fell short. Each year, each month, each week, more and more was expected of me. But they did develop in this harsh environment.

Early on, I recognized that my body healed rapidly. It wasn’t until 1999, when I read Judith Spencer’s book, “Suffer the Child,” that I learned that this is a trait that was highly prized by at least one other Satanic cult. I don’t remember hearing about it since, but I don’t need further validation. It makes perfect sense to me.

It is easy to see that the physical process of rapid healing works in both environments. So how could it be a “good” thing or a “bad” thing? It just was.

Intelligence was a more complex concept for me to deal with. I could tell that the grown-ups around me valued intelligence. However, I was very confused about the concept and believed I was stupid. I compared myself, not with ordinarey people, but with those with exceptionally high IQs. The degree of perfectionism was ridiculous – if I wasn’t the best in the world, I must be stupid.

It didn’t help that I didn’t fit in with the other kids. They all had friends, and I didn’t; therefore, I must be dumb because I couldn’t even figure out how to have a friend. Or carry a tune or throw and catch a ball, for that matter. I was so confused that, at one point, I thought maybe I didn’t have friends because I scored higher on tests than they did. I tried to get the answers wrong but failed because I got interested in the material and forgot what I had set out to do. Oh well.

I have a little scar on my forehead marking the destruction by radiation of a growing birthmark. I told the kids I suffered brain damage from this procedure when I was three months old. Brain damage! Little did I know!

In time, I realized I wasn’t stupid; I was just a misfit. And when I remembered my abuse, I could see that my intelligence was valued in the cult as well as at home and at school. How could it be valued both by evil people and by kind, ethical people? It must be outside the categories of good and evil, or above it, part but not part of both moral systems at the same time.

I started thinking of all the things that were accepted and valued in both the day-life and the night-life as value-free. Like stars, for example. Stars aren’t good or bad; they just are.

Before I started writing this post, I looked up the definitions of value-free and value-neutral.

According to the Oxford Learners’ Dictionaries, value-free means “not influenced by personal opinions.“ Not surprisingly, value-laden means “influenced by personal opinions.”

Oxford Reference defines value-neutral as
• Not presupposing the acceptance of any particular values.
•  ‘Morality involves value judgments, and I want my intelligences to be value-neutral.” 
“The situation in which a participant in a controversial situation is impartial and not influenced by personal beliefs, attitudes, or values, a situation that may often be more theoretical than real. Philosophers of science have long debated the question of whether science can ever be truly value neutral, starting from the premise that the scientific approach to problem solving in itself requires values that accept the importance and relevance of so doing, in addition to the values implied in the search itself, such as the definition of truth. Beyond this, the ethical and moral choices that biological and health scientists must frequently make will always require them to hold certain values.”


Perhaps because I am dissociated, I imagine something that is value-free or value-neutral floating above whatever is going on at the moment. Sort of like my consciousness, except it isn’t conscious. My understanding of the concept is visual; I can see it clearly but have to scramble for words.

Do you know those little glass pendents that contain mustard seeds or open so you can use them as lockets and put a tiny photograph in them? There are all sorts of beads that size, some very fancy. I have a black enamel bead with an elaborate flower pattern and a white bead, again with a flower pattern. I wear them together to symbolize value-neutrality. The little flowers exist in both dark and light settings.

When I feel shame or guilt about something, they remind me that I am in a feeling-flashback. For example, there is no reason to feel shame about sex or guilt about anger. These things just are, like the stars and flowers just are, although they can be used for good or for evil. This belief allows me to think more calmly and more clearly.

Now I understand, with relief and gratitude, that as soon as I got free, I consistently tried my best to use my intelligence and the skills I learned in the cult to help people, not to harm them.

Upcoming Holidays

6/12 (?) Trinity Sunday
6/14 Full Moon
6/16 (?) Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/19 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve

6/24 (?) St John’s Day


7/4 Independence Day
7/13 Full Moon
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Grand Climax/Da Meur

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

6/4 – 6/6  Shavuot (Harvest Festival, Festival of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments)

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.

You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day –
Beltane –
Mothers’ Day –
Fathers’ Day –
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –
Lammas –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 –
Fall Equinox –
Halloween (personal) – 
Halloween (background) –
Thanksgiving –
Yule/Winter Solstice –