Oh, Now I Get It!

Announcements are at the end of this entry.

I was rummaging through old files and found an interesting article I wrote around 1995. Of course, now I can’t find it to get the exact date.

I am amazed that I saw myself as polyfragmented back then. At that time, I was trying to fit into a model that included alters. I was imagining that there was a whole bunch of alters inside, without names or ages or genders or voices .and if I talked to them, I could teach them things. However, I wouldn’t know if they learned anything until I saw a change in the external, real world.

Now I think it’s not a question of alters but a wave of fragments that comes together, like sand blown off a dune. And the next time, the sand comes from a different part of the dune. 

Never mind. I still talk to them or it, or whatever it’s called, and I talk to my feet and to myself, and I talk out loud. Why brood about “who” is doing something?. The important thing is to put the vacuum cleaner back where it belongs.

Here’s the article I found.

Oh, Now I Get It!

My friend Sonya calls and learns I am having trouble getting out of the house and to the copy center. She says she will come with me to make things easier. Sonya and I are both polyfragmented, and we both have a series of alters who slide to the front to do different tasks. We talk about this in the car.

S: “I always think of you as high-functioning and am surprised when you get stuck and can’t do something. Happens to me all the time, but I don’t expect it to happen to you.”

J: “Ha! I see you the same way. I try to work around it. I assume some alters are frightened so I try to explain to them that it isn’t dangerous to do these things today.”

S: “Yes, and the more you get in touch with those alters, you the more you feel the resistance. But it isn’t always resistance.”

J: “What do you mean?”

S: “Some alters just don’t come out very often, so I have to teach those that are out to do jobs for the ones who don’t come out. For example, the one who opens doors is out a lot, but the one who closes them hardly ever is. So I come home and find every cabinet door, every dresser drawer, wide open. Makes the apartment look terrible.”

I have a very enthusiastic vacuuming alter. I vacuum when the cat hairs show. I vacuum when I am upset and need to calm down or think. Unlike other housework jobs, I enjoy vacuuming. Most days, the vacuum cleaner can be found in the middle of the floor, ready to be tripped over.

J: “Oh now I get it! I need to teach more inner folks how to put away the vacuum cleaner.”

S: “Right. It isn’t that you are lazy or messy, it’s just that they don’t know how to do it. I felt so much better about myself when I figured this out.”

J: “I always thought that it was inability to finish a job. A strange form of perfectionism – I can pretend that if I had finished it, it would have turned out wonderfully. But if I actually do finish it, I’ll surely be disappointed.

Or else procrastination. If things are half done, I can fret about that instead of the things that are really bothering me.”

S: “Well, those things are true, too. It’s always multi-layered.”

Initially, I’m excited. I have a new way to work around my hang-ups! Then I think of what a pain it is to teach children to tie their shoes or put away their toys. It’s far simpler to do it myself. I start spiraling into confusion. If there is a “me” who can teach, why can’t that “me” just put away the vacuum cleaner? These thoughts could drive me bats. I’ll save them for therapy – if I remember.

Bingo! An insight! This explains why I have such a long learning curve. Say I want to use a new piece of software. It’s a bright but frightened, anxious, and insecure child learning, not a poised, self-confident woman. And the poor thing has to go it alone, without a teacher or mentor.

Sonya explains that what worked best for her was to write out the steps involved in a task in excruciating detail. She pretends she is writing an instruction manual for a Martian on how to make a cup of tea. That way, if she switches, she only has to remember how to read, not how to make tea or close cabinet doors.

She then invites alters to listen as she reads the instructions. “Would some of you like to learn how to make a cup of tea?” Sometimes somebody wants to, sometimes nobody does.

In time, lots of alters learn all about making tea. The process speeds up as it goes along because there are more and more internal teachers. One fine day, the instructions are no longer necessary.

I’ve found it’s more effective to say things to myself out loud than to think them. “First you pull gently on the vacuum cleaner cord to unplug it. That’s right. Then hold the plug in your left hand. Bend your elbow. Wind the cord around your arm between your hand and elbow. Very good.” I’m so glad I live alone and don’t have to explain anything to anybody.

My guess is that this approach might also be helpful to people who aren’t polyfragmented. I can’t imagine any harm that could come of trying it a couple of times. It certainly is a gentler way of approaching yourself than scolding or putting yourself down for what you can’t do at the moment. You might feel silly at first (I know I will), but you might also get results


Cat Update

It’s been a long ten days. Baker stopped eating and pooping, so I took him to the vet. They did an X-ray to make sure he didn’t have an obstruction and were alarmed to see a thickening of the intestine wall. They also saw advanced kidney disease and kidney stones. They recommended an ultrasound to get more detailed information and a “cell aspiration.” This entails taking cells with a needle – sort of like a biopsy, but with far fewer cells. I will know the results next week. It’s hard waiting.

On the bright side, he was given an appetite stimulant which I rub on his ear (easy-peasy!), and it works. He now is eating tuna in lots of water, not enough, but it’s a start. And for the first time, he spent most of the night in bed with me.


We Need Some Help!

GrassRoots is starting to grow, and we can’t keep up with everything. What we really need help with is the website. We have material waiting to be added, but nobody has the time to do it.

So we need somebody to take text that has been edited and proofed and add it to the appropriate page. We would tell you where it belongs, and you would follow the same format as other entries on that page. It’s a WordPress template, so it should be pretty easy. 

We have a graphic designer who chooses fonts and colors, places images, etc. If you are interested, write us at https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/contact-us/.


Two new RA/MC drop-in groups

A new drop-in group joins the CUPP of Hope Wednesday night group! It meets on Mondays 5:00–6:30 PM Pacific Time

Register at https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/events/ 

Holiday Zoom Open Houses 

It’s hard to get through holidays of all kinds – those you find on a ritual calendar or plain old “Hallmark” holidays. They aren’t quite so awful when you can share them with others who “get it.” Watch the GrassRoots web page for the date of the next one – I’m guessing it will be around the solstice.

For all questions, please contact joanies at cuppofhope@gmail.com.


An Infinite Mind is accepting proposals for their 13th annual Healing Together Hybrid conference. Deadline is August 31. The conference will take place on February 17 – 19, 2023, in Orlando, Florida. Information: https://www.aninfinitemind.org/healing-together-conference


RA/MC Panel at the International Human Trafficking Conference

I will be part of a four-person panel of RA/MC survivors of child sex trafficking. The title of the presentation is “The Interface between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse, and Mind Control Programming.” It will be in two parts. Each part will consist of a recording of the panel discussion followed by live questions and answers. There will be a fifteen-minute break between the two sections. 

Our time-slots are 1:45 and 3:15 on Thursday, September 22. 2022. Read more about the presentation plus descriptions of all the other presentations at https://app.traffickingconference.com/schedule

Please come see us in (virtual) person! Choose the “Free Attendee Registration” option and remember to write for the registration code number. Register at https://www.traffickingconference.com/register 


Upcoming Holidays

7/13 Full Moon
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Grand Climax/Da Meur

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

July 29: Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party.
August 1: Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrated dates.
September 22: autumnal equinox, “Fall Festival.
9/25 – 9/27: Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year)


You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/