About Memory

Please be extra careful today and over the weekend. Tomorrow is Beltane, one of the major Satanic holidays. Today is Walpurgisnacht or May Eve. These are names for the evening before Beltane, which has its own rituals. If you have been having flashbacks or feeling anxious, frightened, or despairing, this is probably the reason. Your mood will lighten when the weekend has passed.

I wish that you all may live through these hard days in a safe place, with safe people you can reach out to. May the ways you choose to handle your feelings bring healing to all parts of you. May your younger parts feel your strength and compassion and be reassured. May they hear you when you tell them that it is different now, that there are older parts of you who understand and who believe them and send them love and compassion.


There are two announcements after the main part of this post.


Survivors, as well as people who have never been abused, frequently question the literal truth of their memories, especially those that have been forgotten. Few people get access to their abusers’ diaries or find other outside confirmation of memories. Given the nature of ritual abuse, it is little wonder that most survivors are often met with disbelief and denial if they tell of their experiences.

Remember that memories of childhood abuse are a record of a terrified child’s best effort to figure out what is really happening. Children don’t have the experience or logical skills to interpret events as clearly as adults do. Fear, pain, and drugs also cloud a child’s ability (and an adult’s ability, for that matter) to assess a situation accurately.

Part of becoming an adult is reviewing what we remember and reinterpreting its significance. Were we tricked into believing something that wasn’t true? Did we misinterpret? Have we condensed two events into one, believed another’s interpretation of events, or taken a fantasy literally?

Children are lied to and told fantasies all the time, and they believe the lies until they have a chance to examine them. How many people have said, “I had a happy childhood; we always had food on the table,” and have ignored clear evidence of deprivation, neglect, or beatings until others question them? How many adults remember believing in Santa Claus? The collection, codification, and interpretation of memories is an ongoing process and an integral part of maturation and growth.

I am intensely unwilling to believe that human beings are capable of inflicting such cruelty on others and I share the universal human desire to view my family and community as kind and loving. But, given all the evidence, I must reluctantly accept that I was treated with contempt and sadism. If it wasn’t ritual abuse, how did I learn all those methods of torture? Who taught me the ideology that glorified pain and death? I wish I could find another explanation, but none seems plausible.

I realize that not all my memories are literal truth; some, in retrospect, seem to be staged events that I believed were real at the time. I probably never will know if any one particular memory is totally accurate, or whether I was deceived in whole or in part. I might also be remembering threatening scenarios that adults described so vividly that I was convinced they had happened.

But only ritual abuse explains the knowledge I had as a very young child of bizarre sexual acts, certain “magical” rites and beliefs, animal and human anatomy. Only ritual abuse explains my pain, my symptoms, the damage to my heart. This is my truth. I do not like it, but I must live it.


I haven’t read that in years. There is nothing I would change except some grammar – I have different ideas about the use of commas today. I took the liberty of making some changes in the punctuation. (Grammarly is very helpful. There is a free version that is perfectly adequate. I’ve been using it for a year. It spots misspelled words, misplaced or missing commas and hyphens, subjects and verbs that don’t agree, and even words that are ambiguous or over-used.)

If I were writing this today, I would add a section on the difference between narrative memory and traumatic memory.

Narrative memory tells a story. ” I started to learn how to read in first grade. By the time I was in fourth grade, I could read well enough to enjoy books. With each passing year, my vocabulary grew, my speed picked up, and my understanding of what the author was conveying deepened.” Traumatic memory is a snapshot. It seems outside of time, nothing comes before, nothing comes after. It is either bathed in emotion – fear, dread, panic – or frozen in numbness. Traumatic memory is the source of flashbacks.

I would read up on how the brain forms each kind of memory and which parts of the brain are activated. I can’t write this section now because I don’t understand the neurology and biochemistry well enough. I do remember that different parts of the brain react when the trauma elicits fight, flee, or freeze behavior. And fainting, too, for that matter. Maybe, when I am more educated, I will write a summary of what is now known of the neurological basis of memory.


Upcoming Holidays

4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/26 Full Moon
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

5/1 Beltane
5/9 Mothers’ Day
5/12 (?) Armed Forces Day
5/23 Pentecost
5/26 Total Lunar Eclipse 
5/26 Full Moon
5/31 Memorial Day

 6/10 Annular Solar Eclipse
 6/20 Fathers’ Day
 6/21 Summer solstice
 6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
 6/24 (?) St John’s Day
 6/24 Full Moon

7/4 Independence Day 
 7/23 Full Moon 
 7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God 
 7/27 Grand Climax

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2) 
5/17 Shavuot (Festival of Harvest, Festival of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments) 
6/6 D-Day (Invasion of France in WW2) 
7/18 Tisha B’Av (Jewish Day of Mourning)  
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice: (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/ Halloween: (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween: (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 
Candlemas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/

Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/


* Survivorship Regular Conference – Saturday and Sunday, May 22 – 23, 2021
Survivorship Clinician’s Conference – Friday, May 21, 2021

Information on the speakers, topics, and registration is at: https://survivorship.org/the-survivorship-ritual-abuse-and-mind-control-2021-conference/


The May 2021 issue of SMART’s newsletter summarizes these articles about Elizabeth Loftus.– A Brief History of the False Memory Research of Elizabeth Loftus   
– Ethics Complaints Filed Against FMSF Board Member Elizabeth Loftus   
– “Lost in a Shopping Mall” A Breach of Professional Ethics  
– Quotes: Elizabeth Loftus, Ph.D. 
– The Alleged Ethical Violations of Elizabeth Loftus in the Case of Jane Doe