“My Love Is Poison”

There are two announcements after the main part of this post.

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Once, way back in the late ’70s, I was working as a social worker. I was lucky; I had an ideal job that included a little bit of everything – individual, group, and family therapy, and plenty of interesting clients. Plus some teaching and some program design and grant writing. I loved the people I worked with, too.

I also had a brilliant supervisor. He had a way of compressing ideas into short sentences that were spot on and impossible to forget. He was also very funny. One of his sayings, which I have never forgotten, was, “He believes his love is poison.”

How many survivors have distorted beliefs about their love? Either that they are incapable of loving, or that love means hurting somebody on purpose, or that, no matter how hard they try, they always end up hurting the person they love.

I had a lot of those beliefs. They were so deep in my unconscious that I only had glimpses of them. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I wasn’t sure what love felt like, but I was pretty sure that nobody loved me and that I loved nobody. And I was certain I had no friends because nobody wanted to play with me at recess or sit next to me at lunch. I thought it was because I wasn’t pretty, and I wasn’t fun to be around. I had no idea how I got that  way or what to do about it.

As I grew older, I did make a couple of friends, but they soon moved away. I started noticing how I often messed things up when somebody wanted to spend time with me. It was as if I was so scared that I wouldn’t be liked that I withdrew from people. You can’t be rejected if you send out “leave me alone” vibes. I was a sad, lonely kid alternating between rushing at people with my arms wide open and running away from them.

When I was able to form more complicated mental pictures, I found that I seemed to hurt people without knowing I was doing so. This upset me terribly. Despite gaining some social skills and working on the issue for years, for decades, I just couldn’t shake the belief that I harmed people.

After I had remembered my abuse for about ten years, I told my survivor friends that I felt like a poisonous toad. They did the sweetest thing – they started to shower me with cute toads, or in some cases, cute frogs. Figurines, stuffed animals, drawings. There was even a magnificent poisonous toad that sang Jingle Bells! Obviously, their image of me didn’t resemble my image of myself.

I finally got that it was a childhood belief and had little to do with my current behavior. I decided to express what was going on in art. I bought some chicken wire and planned to make a toad-shaped form filled with soil. Inside would be a tiny naked baby from my dollhouse. It was only about half an inch long, the weakest, most vulnerable creature imaginable. Finally, I would place the toad in the garden and plant flowers in the chicken wire holes. I got as far as trying to make the toad’s skin but found that chicken wire is really hard to work with and gave up. It was enough to have imagined the piece.

I also figured out that I had repeatedly been set up in double-bind situations. I would be told to hurt an animal or another child, then given an alternative of hurting them less severely. Sometimes I was given the choice of hurting them or hurting myself. But it was always a trick. The lesser of two evils, the action I chose, always turned out to be the greater of two evils.

The explicit and implicit message was, “You freely chose to do this. You LIKE hurting people! You LIKE causing pain! You LIKE violence!” That was how I came to believe that my altruism hurt people, that my love was dangerous and poisonous.

But it was a total lie. If I had liked to hurt others, it would not have bothered me. I would have found it pleasurable and looked forward to opportunities to be sadistic. Or I would have simply had the attitude, “What’s the big deal? Doesn’t everybody?”

And I will tell you, the vast majority of the survivors I have met have been kind and loving people, even if, like me, they held (or still hold) distorted beliefs about their ability to love or be loved. They, too, were told big fat lies day after day after day.They may have heard those lies in their head, but deep down, they remained true to their own loving center.

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Remember my posts about the campaign against Pornhub by Traffickinghub? https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/11/21/great-good-news-pornhub/

Here’s an update.

The Canadian Parliament’s Ethics Committee is investigating MindGeek, which is headquartered in Montreal, for profiting from criminal content. MindGeek is the parent company of Pornhub. (Pornhub executives were forced to appear before the Ethics Committee on February 5, 2021.) Laila Mickelwait, the founder of the Traffickinghub movement: https://traffickinghub.com, testified on February 26, 2021. She is a powerful speaker.

Laila Mickelwait writes: 

“The day before I was scheduled to speak, these executives tried to silence me because they were afraid of my testimony. The CEO and COO of MindGeek sent a personal letter to the committee slandering me and asking the committee not to allow me to speak.

The Members of Parliament said it was the first time someone under investigation tried to attack and discredit a witness. They were shocked but not deterred. 

MindGeek’s attempts failed miserably.

I was able to present the stories of many victims who personally reached out to me, expose the lies that CEO Feras Antoon and COO David Tassillo displayed in their testimony, and offer practical solutions for uprooting exploitation on porn tube sites like Pornhub.”

Here is her full testimony:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppiF9dR31qI&feature=youtu.be&goal=0_c15bff8d91-ecaf5834ab-86660702&mc_cid=ecaf5834ab&mc_eid=a2265e2517

 Here are highlights of her testimony:
 https://www.instagram.com/p/CLf8ParjEnW/?goal=0_c15bff8d91-ecaf5834ab-86660702&mc_cid=ecaf5834ab&mc_eid=a2265e2517

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Some Background on MindGeek

MindGeek is the name of a company that owns dozens of other companies related to pornography. Some, like Pornhub, are popular on the Web and can be located using search engines. They even own a site dedicated to pornographic video games! It ranks 758 in world-wide popularity and 410 in popularity in the United States. You can check out its stats on https://www.similarweb.com/website/nutaku.net/

If you want to see a shokcing statistic, check out https://www.similarweb.com/website/pornhub.com/

Many, if not most, of their companies, though, post on the Dark Web. These sites contain the more extreme forms of pornography: child pornography, extreme sadism (including torture), and snuff films. It will be very interesting to watch the campaign against MindGeeks’s Dark Web holdings. 

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Upcoming Holidays

March
3/1 St David’s Day (patron saint of Wales)
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day (patron saint of Ireland)
3/21 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/28 Full Moon
3/28 Palm Sunday

April
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/1 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Super)
4/2 Good Friday
4/3 Holy Saturday
4/4 Easter Sunday
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/26 Full Moon
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

May
5/1 Beltane
5/9 Mothers’ Day
5/12 (?) Armed Forces Day
5/23 Pentecost
5/26 Total Lunar Eclipse
5/26 Full Moon
5/31 Memorial Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

3/28 – 4/4 Passover/Pesach (Deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt)
4/4 Hitler’s alternate birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. This year Easter falls on 4/12.)
4/20 Hitler’s birthday
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
5/17 Shavuot (Festival of Harvest, Festival of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

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You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal: (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice: (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween {personal): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/

Happy about Very Important Things and Very Small Things

“In perhaps one of the greatest breakthroughs ever against criminal pornography, Pornhub just removed from its site 10 million+ unverified videos—nearly 75% of its entire video collection.” (from an email to me from Traffickinghub.)

“The Traffickinghub campaign…is a non-religious, non-partisan effort to hold the largest porn website in the world accountable for enabling and profiting off of the mass sex trafficking and exploitation of women and minors. The campaign is facilitated by Exodus Cry and supported by over 300 child protection and anti-trafficking organizations, as well as experts on and survivors of commercial sexual exploitation.”  https://traffickinghub.com 

 

This makes me very happy! It does nothing to remove copies of porn videos already downloaded, of course. But it prevents further distribution of over 10 MILLION videos from this website! It hits them where it hurts, in the pocketbook. And it sends a message to the world (including all the other porn sites) that criminal pornography is NOT OKAY. 

I keep wondering if there are copies of films made of me 70 years ago available in some obscure corner of the Internet. It’s certainly possible. I know that a survivor who is only 15 years younger than me found films of their childhood abuse. I’m not willing to go look for mine, though. If they show up in my inbox uninvited, that’s another story. But they won’t.

One good thing about being abused like this 70 years ago is that nobody who comes across those films will recognize me. Everybody who was involved is either dead or senile. Girls who went to school with me aren’t the type to be rooting around the Dark Web looking for vintage porn. In that sense, I am safe.

I wonder how many of the people whose abuse was filmed know that their videos have been erased from Pornhub. If they know, I wonder how they feel. Many won’t know that their assaults were made public for the whole world to see. Many are too young to even understand that cameras take pictures, let alone that crimes have been committed against them, and that IS WRONG and not their fault. 

I am pretty sure I would be assaulted by a kaleidoscope of feelings – joy, shame, despair, anger, relief, fear, gratitude, worry, and back to the beginning. I’m also damn sure that my life would not instantaneously get any better. Whenever a breakthrough happens, there is a life-long fight to deal with the effects of the savagery of the harm done.

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Other things are making me happy right now. One is that winter is both about to begin and beginning to end. Tomorrow, the days will be getting longer, not shorter. Minute by minute, we are approaching the time when bulbs I planted and forgot will break their dormancy. In a couple of months, birds will be showing off in song to attract a mate. Ants will stop coming into my home in search of food. Hooray for more daylight! Hooray for spring!

Something else that delights me is that I have discovered that both coffee grounds and citrus peels get rid of ants. (I am easily pleased these days.) I mean, ants are interesting little fellows, but not in my house, please. Or on my hands. Or in my hair. Go back to the great outdoors, where you belong


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I hope that you all stay safe through the coming holidays. If you are still being abused, please don’t lose hope, please don’t give up. Escaping is a trial-and-error process. If you keep trying, one day you will find a way to get out and stay out forever. For those of you who have escaped, I hope the memories of past holidays are easier to deal with than they were in past years. I hope you can remember how to soothe the parts of you who hold these memories, how to tell them they are loved and they are not being hurt now.

I send you all strength, courage, and belief in your own worth.


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Upcoming Holidays

December
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/6 (?) Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 New Moon
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/18 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 (?) St. Agnes’ Eve
1/28 Full moon

February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/11 New moon
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/15 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/16 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
2/17 Ash Wednesday/beginning of Lent
2/25 Walpurgis Day
2/27 Full Moon

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/28 Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat (Jewish celebration of spring)
1/12 Birth of both Rosenberg and Goering, Nazi Leaders in WWII
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/26 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/

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At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.