For the past several years, I have been thinking of death. mostly my own death. Not every now and then, but several times a day. I keep thinking I should ask others whether they do, too, but I never get around to it.
Why? I don’t want to upset people. I don’t want them to think I am hinting about being suicidal. I don’t want to find out that I am perfectly normal and that being preoccupied about death is a to-be-expected part of this phase of life, but it’s taboo to speak of it for some reason. I don’t want to discover it’s not normal at all. And I wonder whether I would be relieved or upset and angry to learn that it had nothing to do with my age and everything to do with my childhood and the ritual abuse.
I remember clearly what it is like to be depressed and suicidal and I am not depressed. I’m confused and unsure about a lot of things, but depression is not one of them. My thoughts about death are mundane. Should I do this, or that, before I die? Do I want to eat this now, in case I die overnight? or save it for a day of celebration?
I have a notebook in which I keep a list of where I put things. It’s helpful to me in the present and it will be helpful to those who have to sort through my stuff after I am gone. I use the back pages for miscellaneous notes of all kinds.
I was flipping through the notebook and came across this:
Death is in the air these days
in my old cat’s limp
in my constant pain
back – knees – hands
in the news, of course,
and the invisible plague
But I rejoice
when I die, it will not be at their hands
no torture gone a little too far
not a murder, not an “accident”
and not a suicide
For I am
I am what? Free? Still alive? It seems that I was interrupted and that there was supposed to be a third section. I like it just the way it is – or perhaps ending in total caps: “FOR I AM.” Maybe someday I will flip through the notebook and find that a third section has appeared.
Is it a poem? I guess so. I don’t remember when or why I wrote it. It could have been twenty years ago (if it had not referred to COVID) or yesterday. I assume it was after April 3 of this year because there is a list on the page before dated April 3. But I pick pages to use so randomly that the date can’t be definitive. Since I forget so many things these days and I attribute this increased forgetfulness to increased dissociation, I’m not concerned about a poem popping up unexpectedly.
I have a feeling that it is about gratitude and that feeling gets stronger as I write about it. I’m very glad I am alive, and not a little amazed and puzzled at having lived so long. I thought I would be dead by thirty and now I am fifty-plus years older than thirty. Very strange. It’s like a group predicting the end of the world on such and such a date, and then, when that date comes and nothing has happened, setting the date of doom and destruction further in the future, choosing another date.
Except that my abusers didn’t set another date – they left it open-ended. Perhaps they were sure that I would obey a call-back and be an active member of the cult for the rest of my life, so there was no need for me to get out of their hair with an early death. Who knows? So much of what they did and said made little sense – it was just plain nuts.
I wish with all my heart that all survivors could have only one call-back date and then be left alone for the rest of their lives. No boundaries broken, no unwanted communication, no intrusive thoughts. Wouldn’t that be great? To be left alone in peace to heal the wounds they inflicted and to die a peaceful, natural death.
5/26 Total Lunar Eclipse
5/26 Full Moon
5/31 Memorial Day
6/10 Annular Solar Eclipse
6/20 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 (?) St John’s Day
6/24 Full Moon
7/4 Independence Day
7/23 Full Moon
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Grand Climax
Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day (Invasion of France in WW2)
7/18 Tisha B’Av (Jewish Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)
* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice: (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/ Halloween: (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween: (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Yule/Winter Solstice: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/