How I Learned I Was Ritually Abused

First, why I got way behind on e-mail.

I’ve been without a computer for five days. I asked Apple to transfer my data from the old one onto the new one and then erase my old computer. I thought this might take a couple of hours. I am sure I was right and that the problem was scheduling the work. It probably was a lower priority than working on complicated, challenging, fascinating issues. And there was no money in it for them – these services came free when I bought the lovely new computer.

I do like it. It is extremely fast, not just on the internet, but also opening files, etc. Things are where I left them, so I can find everything easily.

One problem is that it changed some settings – guess they reverted to the default setting. I have to log into everything the first time I use it. The most annoying thing so far is that every time the screen went blank – say when I took a break to feed the cat – I had to log into my computer all over again. It turned out that it was a security setting and I could select the time span when my login was honored. It was set at one minute! I changed it to thirty minutes, and am considering changing it to eight hours. Just a lot of fussy little changes that took time to figure out and change back to what I am used to.

It was nice to be without a computer. I got some medical stuff taken care of and did some housework. I had time for projects over and above the weekly maintenance type of housework. Sorting things into piles: throw out, give away, keep in a sensible place.

I have to do this in two separate houses, one built on a one-inch-to-a-foot scale. It is impossible to throw anything out in that house. Keep – I had that as a child. Keep – I made that. Keep – that’s so cute. Keep – I know it is broken, but I can fix it with the right kind of glue.

It’s been covered with a tablecloth for years and years because cats find it fun to jump into a room and throw all the furniture onto the (big) floor. The tablecloth makes it look boring and it is now safe from attack by giant ferocious felines. Since I couldn’t play with it anymore, I would just lift the tablecloth and toss stuff into the rooms There is no organization at all by now. I know that, when I get to seriously working on it, I will make three piles, just like I do in the big house.

There will be almost nothing to throw away. There will be nothing at all to give away. And all the rest will be waiting for a sensible place, a forever home, except for those things which need washing or mending.

Who am I, at this point, to say I have no littles?

This house is extra precious to me. I built it from a kit, painted it, put up wallpaper, shingled the roof, and built a staircase to get to the second floor. The house was the trigger that brought me my first flashbacks and my first knowledge of the ritual abuse in my past. I’ll tell you the story.

It was Easter and I was alone. My husband had died and my kids were in college. The house was on the kitchen table. The construction part was complete, and it was time for carpets and furniture. There is a big room on the second floor and I had decided it should be an artist’s studio. I wanted it to be like Georgia O’Keefe’s workspace and I wanted cattle skulls on the walls, along with large paintings of close-ups of flowers.

I was in an incest survivor support group with a woman who lived on a farm with sheep. She complained about the rats in the barn – having to kill them, dispose of the bodies, and reset the traps. I asked her if she could give me a couple of dead rats. She did! She brought them to the group the next week! Now that is a good friend, in my book.

On Easter Sunday, I worked all day on the dollhouse. I decapitated the corpses (I had frozen them so they wouldn’t decay) and boiled the heads to get the skulls. It worked well, except I had not realized that the finished project would look like a sabertooth tiger skull. Oh well, why not. Artistic license, you know. I still have them.

Monday I went to therapy, all happy and bouncy. “Guess what, Mike! I bet I am the only person in the whole world who spent Easter Sunday boiling rat skulls.” Mike looked uncomfortable, shifted around in his chair, and said, “I don’t normally do this. But have you ever considered you might have been ritually abused?”

My blood ran cold. I stared at him and said, “Oh, shit.” I knew. There was no question. I just plain knew.

And then the floodgates opened and I had months and months of flashbacks.

So that is why the house is extra, extra special.


Other People’s Blogs

I think it would be great if those of us who have blogs would share them in the comments section. Those who have found blogs that they like a lot could let me know so that I can pass the information on to everybody.

I know that blogs are public and so there is no reason I can’t share them without contacting the owner. But I don’t like to mention other people’s work without asking first. It seems disrespectful to me.

Here is a blog – or bunch of blogs and sites – to start things off.

Eassurvey’s Weblog: Child Abuse, Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, Dissociative Identity Disorder

This started off as a blog for If you don’t know about the Extreme Abuse Surveys, they are online surveys that drew responses from all over the world. You can download pdf’s for the text and the results of all three surveys (“survivor,” “professional,” and “child.”) They are very interesting.

Over the years, its scope has expanded to include news and articles on a great many subjects pertaining to ritual abuse, mind control, and other forms of organized abuse. General categories are to the left, and more detailed categories to the right. It is curated by Neil Brick and contains much the same information as his other sites. Some of his sites are:, https//,,, and
There is also a Facebook group which shares ritual abuse and mind control news.

These sites are a great place to do research on all sorts of topics.


More Good News about MindGeek

The German government will shut down Pornhub, YouPorn, and MyDirtyHobby (all owned by MindGeek), and XHamster because they do not follow mandated child protection procedures. 


Upcoming Holidays

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh  
8/13 Friday the 13th  
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary  
8/22 Full Moon  
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast  
9/7 Labor Day (United States)  
9/20 Full moon  
9/22 Fall Equinox  
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
10/11 (?) Columbus Day
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/20 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party  
9/1 Start of WW2  
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement)  
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement)  
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival
10/4  Hitler’s alternate half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual half-birthday, 10/20, and his alternate half-birthdate six months after Easter, which falls on 4/4 this year.)
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2
Fall Equinox
Halloween (personal) – 
Halloween (background) –
Yule/Winter Solstice 
Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day –
Spring Equinox
Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) –
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
Mothers’ Day
Fathers’ Day
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –

“My Love Is Poison”

There are two announcements after the main part of this post.


Once, way back in the late ’70s, I was working as a social worker. I was lucky; I had an ideal job that included a little bit of everything – individual, group, and family therapy, and plenty of interesting clients. Plus some teaching and some program design and grant writing. I loved the people I worked with, too.

I also had a brilliant supervisor. He had a way of compressing ideas into short sentences that were spot on and impossible to forget. He was also very funny. One of his sayings, which I have never forgotten, was, “He believes his love is poison.”

How many survivors have distorted beliefs about their love? Either that they are incapable of loving, or that love means hurting somebody on purpose, or that, no matter how hard they try, they always end up hurting the person they love.

I had a lot of those beliefs. They were so deep in my unconscious that I only had glimpses of them. I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I wasn’t sure what love felt like, but I was pretty sure that nobody loved me and that I loved nobody. And I was certain I had no friends because nobody wanted to play with me at recess or sit next to me at lunch. I thought it was because I wasn’t pretty, and I wasn’t fun to be around. I had no idea how I got that  way or what to do about it.

As I grew older, I did make a couple of friends, but they soon moved away. I started noticing how I often messed things up when somebody wanted to spend time with me. It was as if I was so scared that I wouldn’t be liked that I withdrew from people. You can’t be rejected if you send out “leave me alone” vibes. I was a sad, lonely kid alternating between rushing at people with my arms wide open and running away from them.

When I was able to form more complicated mental pictures, I found that I seemed to hurt people without knowing I was doing so. This upset me terribly. Despite gaining some social skills and working on the issue for years, for decades, I just couldn’t shake the belief that I harmed people.

After I had remembered my abuse for about ten years, I told my survivor friends that I felt like a poisonous toad. They did the sweetest thing – they started to shower me with cute toads, or in some cases, cute frogs. Figurines, stuffed animals, drawings. There was even a magnificent poisonous toad that sang Jingle Bells! Obviously, their image of me didn’t resemble my image of myself.

I finally got that it was a childhood belief and had little to do with my current behavior. I decided to express what was going on in art. I bought some chicken wire and planned to make a toad-shaped form filled with soil. Inside would be a tiny naked baby from my dollhouse. It was only about half an inch long, the weakest, most vulnerable creature imaginable. Finally, I would place the toad in the garden and plant flowers in the chicken wire holes. I got as far as trying to make the toad’s skin but found that chicken wire is really hard to work with and gave up. It was enough to have imagined the piece.

I also figured out that I had repeatedly been set up in double-bind situations. I would be told to hurt an animal or another child, then given an alternative of hurting them less severely. Sometimes I was given the choice of hurting them or hurting myself. But it was always a trick. The lesser of two evils, the action I chose, always turned out to be the greater of two evils.

The explicit and implicit message was, “You freely chose to do this. You LIKE hurting people! You LIKE causing pain! You LIKE violence!” That was how I came to believe that my altruism hurt people, that my love was dangerous and poisonous.

But it was a total lie. If I had liked to hurt others, it would not have bothered me. I would have found it pleasurable and looked forward to opportunities to be sadistic. Or I would have simply had the attitude, “What’s the big deal? Doesn’t everybody?”

And I will tell you, the vast majority of the survivors I have met have been kind and loving people, even if, like me, they held (or still hold) distorted beliefs about their ability to love or be loved. They, too, were told big fat lies day after day after day.They may have heard those lies in their head, but deep down, they remained true to their own loving center.


Remember my posts about the campaign against Pornhub by Traffickinghub?

Here’s an update.

The Canadian Parliament’s Ethics Committee is investigating MindGeek, which is headquartered in Montreal, for profiting from criminal content. MindGeek is the parent company of Pornhub. (Pornhub executives were forced to appear before the Ethics Committee on February 5, 2021.) Laila Mickelwait, the founder of the Traffickinghub movement:, testified on February 26, 2021. She is a powerful speaker.

Laila Mickelwait writes: 

“The day before I was scheduled to speak, these executives tried to silence me because they were afraid of my testimony. The CEO and COO of MindGeek sent a personal letter to the committee slandering me and asking the committee not to allow me to speak.

The Members of Parliament said it was the first time someone under investigation tried to attack and discredit a witness. They were shocked but not deterred. 

MindGeek’s attempts failed miserably.

I was able to present the stories of many victims who personally reached out to me, expose the lies that CEO Feras Antoon and COO David Tassillo displayed in their testimony, and offer practical solutions for uprooting exploitation on porn tube sites like Pornhub.”

Here is her full testimony:

 Here are highlights of her testimony:


Some Background on MindGeek

MindGeek is the name of a company that owns dozens of other companies related to pornography. Some, like Pornhub, are popular on the Web and can be located using search engines. They even own a site dedicated to pornographic video games! It ranks 758 in world-wide popularity and 410 in popularity in the United States. You can check out its stats on

If you want to see a shokcing statistic, check out

Many, if not most, of their companies, though, post on the Dark Web. These sites contain the more extreme forms of pornography: child pornography, extreme sadism (including torture), and snuff films. It will be very interesting to watch the campaign against MindGeeks’s Dark Web holdings. 


Upcoming Holidays

3/1 St David’s Day (patron saint of Wales)
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day (patron saint of Ireland)
3/21 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/28 Full Moon
3/28 Palm Sunday

4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/1 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Super)
4/2 Good Friday
4/3 Holy Saturday
4/4 Easter Sunday
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/26 Full Moon
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

5/1 Beltane
5/9 Mothers’ Day
5/12 (?) Armed Forces Day
5/23 Pentecost
5/26 Total Lunar Eclipse
5/26 Full Moon
5/31 Memorial Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

3/28 – 4/4 Passover/Pesach (Deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt)
4/4 Hitler’s alternate birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. This year Easter falls on 4/12.)
4/20 Hitler’s birthday
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
5/17 Shavuot (Festival of Harvest, Festival of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Spring Equinox:
Easter: personal: (for background, see Spring Equinox)
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:
Mothers’ Day:
Fathers’ Day:
Summer Solstice: (corrected text)
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2
Fall Equinox:
Halloween {personal):
Halloween (background):
Yule/Winter Solstice:
Valentine’s Day: