How I Left the Cult/Delta Variant/MindGeek and Pornhub

How I Left the Cult

I don’t understand why I was allowed to leave the cult. As far as I can tell. they thought I was still a member and I thought I wasn’t. Sort of like my parents, who were born Episcopalian (as was I) and just sort of drifted away as the years passed. Their parents had been observant but didn’t make a big fuss when their children gradually stopped going to church.

I was sent to boarding school when I was fifteen, so there were long periods of ritual-free time. That was followed by two years of college, a gap year in Italy, then two more years of college. I got married early in my Senior year and so had a great excuse to come home less and less often. I attended only a couple of rituals my first two years in college and none after I married.

There were two major call-back times which I didn’t recognize because I hadn’t yet remembered anything. One was when I turned 33. All I remember was weeping because Jesus died at that age, and, compared to what he had accomplished, I had done absolutely nothing. A waste of a life. The other was when my father died. Again, I had remembered nothing; later I realized he was asking me to take his place in the cult. I didn’t.

A lot had to do with the dynamics inside the cult. It was a traditional, snobby, group that traced its history back to pre-revolutionary days and then some. Their way was the correct way to do things; everything else was inferior, ignorant, or in poor taste. The old members were dying off and the younger ones either drifted away or left for more exciting Satanic shores. So, year by year, its hold on the few remaining members became weaker and weaker.

I was used in mind control experiments and child pornography as well. The mind control project was shut down by the powers that be above it in the hierarchy. I believed that they lost their funding and that they hoped they would regain it and pick up where they left off with me. Nobody showed any interest in me from that point on.

As for the child pornography part of the abuse … well, at a certain point I was no longer a child. I don’t know what criteria they used to select children to be trafficked as adults and children to be discarded. I’m very glad I was discarded.

Once, when I was deeply depressed, I thought bitterly that I was so worthless that not even the cult wanted me. These days I find that being rejected by the cult is amazingly good fortune! And to be rejected by the mind control people and the pimps as well – who could ask for anything more?

Most survivors don’t have it as easy as I did. Many endure callback after callback after callback plus harassment and punishment for every step away from the cult. I feel terrible for the way they are treated and admire their determination to escape. I cannot give any advice from my personal experience. Occasionally I can see something they cannot because their vision is clouded by fear, but that’s about it. I wish I had more to give.

Others are subjected to what is called “discard programming.” If they are no longer useful to the abusers for one reason or another, they are set up to destroy themselves. Sometimes quickly, by suicide, sometimes slowly by drugs, alcohol, or other kinds of self-destructive behavior. That’s safe for the perpetrators – people will blame the victim and not look further for the cause of their self-destructive behavior.

Sometimes people with discard programming will have an inkling that they are obeying orders and will become rebellious. “So they want me to drink myself to death? Fuck them! I’m going to make a good life for myself.” Sometimes they stumble across something that makes life worth living and motivates them to fight their addictions. Whether the spark is made out of love or anger, the result is the same. They escape.

We cheer them on and welcome them into the world of survivors on the healing path.


The Delta Variant of COVID-19 Is Bad News

I was worried about Delta being a major threat and hoping I was over-reacting. I wasn’t. If anything, I was under-reacting.

It is just as contagious as chickenpox and more so than MERS, SARS, Ebola, the common cold, flu (including the 1918 flu), and smallpox, a CDC report said. This surge is going to be far worse than the others and the states with low vaccination rates are going to be devastated.

Please be extra cautious about protecting yourself and others, whether you are vaccinated or not. (Vaccinated people can get a mild case, never know it, and infect others they come in contact with. They are just as infectious as people who have caught the virus and have never been vaccinated.)

I hope everybody will put aside their need to blame somebody and focus on being kind and caring. For those of you reading who do not wear masks or want to get vaccinated, I think I understand where you are coming from. I hope you can put yourselves in my shoes and imagine where I am coming from. We need to be respectful of each other and remember that our lives are equally precious.


MindGeek/Pornhub/Xtube Developments Are Good News

Here’s update on MindGeek, which is like an octopus with many tentacles. The tentacles are porn companies owned by MindGeek, indirectly, I think, through a network of shell companies. They grab money from all over the ocean and stuff it into the octopus’ mouth.

The octopus is about to lose a big source of money. One of its tentacles, Xtube, is shutting down on September 5. ( This site probably has a large percentage of illegal material, because it allows people to post their own porn and moderation is, shall we say, probably pretty inefficient. Pornhub deleted 80% of the videos on its site — 10 million videos.

The octopus must  be very hungry these days because Visa, Mastercard, Discover, PayPal, and Comcast/Xfinity will have nothing to do with MindGeek anymore. And it must be scared that it’s going to have to spend a lot of the money that it has tucked away in hard-to-find places. It has to hire a lot of expensive lawyers to defend itself against six different lawsuits brought by people who were raped on film for Pornhub’s use, most of whom were children at the time. And if it loses, there goes a lot more money.


Upcoming Holidays


7/23 Full Moon 
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God 
7/27 Grand Climax


8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh 
8/13 Friday the 13th 
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary 
8/22 Full Moon 
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day


9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast 
9/7 Labor Day (United States) 
9/20 Full moon 
9/22 Fall Equinox 
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party 
9/1 Start of WW2 
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement) 
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement) 
9/17 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday 
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at: 



Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2

Fall Equinox:

Halloween (personal): 

Halloween (background):


Yule/Winter Solstice: 


Valentine’s Day:

Spring Equinox:

Easter: personal: (for background, see Spring Equinox)

Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:


Mothers’ Day:

 Fathers’ Day:

 Summer Solstice (corrected text):


Halloween 2018

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* I am looking for people who have been impregnated in a cult setting and lost their child through forced abortion, sacrifice, or forced adoption for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and therapists or pastors about the project? They can write me at for more information. Thank you so much!


I am thinking of all the people, adults as well as children, who will be hurt this Halloween. And all the animals who will be sacrificed. I have a special sadness for the black cats that will be killed, as I had a black kitty named Bobcat.

I wish I could somehow help everybody escape. Of course I can’t, but I still wish I could. I know that all I can do is tell my truth, that I was born into an intergenerational Satanic cult and that I escaped and, with a lot of hard work, made a happy, productive life for myself. I, and countless other survivors, are living proof that it can be done. And if somebody who is still enslaved happens to read about one of us, it may inspire them to free themselves.

You know, if enough people break their programming, there won’t be any more abusive cults!!! Attrition, that’s what we can hope for. That some day there will be only one Satanic circle left, and it will consist of three toothless old men who are having trouble remembering the rituals. It won’t be in my lifetime, but that is okay.

To those of you who are still caught in their evil embrace, I wish freedom for you. If you are ready to try and get out, I urge you to make a safety plan for Halloween, if you haven’t already done so. And make a back-up plan, in case you need to change direction. It’s so much better to be prepared than to have to wing it while you are terrified. If you aren’t ready, there will be opportunities in the future.

And please remember that leaving is usually a process, not an event, like flipping a light switch. Each time you try, you learn something more and are stronger and better prepared for the next attempt. Just because this attempt failed doesn’t mean the next one is fated to fail, too. Keep hoping, have faith that you will be able to escape, and keep plotting how you will do so.

For those of you who are out, whether it be for a few years or many, parts of you may not really believe this. They may feel fear and despair and their feelings may be communicated to you. Please try and remember that this is a “feeling flashback,” not reality. Talk to those parts (don’t expect an answer) and tell them that you are sorry horrible things happened to them and glad that they are alive and trust you enough to let you know how they feel. Do what you can to soothe them – in doing so you will soothe yourself.

I am in a phase where I am not very reactive to Satanic holidays. I can’t say I like any part of Halloween, but I am not going to freak out. This year will be a real test of whether or not I have flashbacks.

You see, I have cataract surgery scheduled for October 30! I had one eye done in January, so I am prepared for what will happen. It’s still not the best choice of days, I must admit. Especially as they threatened to blind me if I didn’t obey. But that is another story.

This time I get to blame the insurance company, not the cult. They will only cover the surgery if it performed in one place, a day surgery clinic. The clinic doesn’t have enough space to accommodate all the surgeons who want to use it so the waiting list is very long. I was originally scheduled to have it done on June 30, six months after my first surgery. Unfortunately I got an infection and they had to cancel it. I was then offered a date in January 2019 but talked my way onto the waiting list for a cancellation. When I lucked out, I took a deep breathe and accepted the October date.

It will be fine.

I’ll be thinking of all of you during those days and holding you in my heart with great tenderness.




10/24 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve/ Hallomas/ All Souls Day/Start of the Celtic new year.

11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/22 US Thanksgiving
11/23 Full Moon
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/22 Full Moon
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups

11/9 Kristallnacht
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

If the Abuse is Ongoing

There is a blog entry on Labor Day at

I haven’t ever blogged about this, at least that I can remember. The closest I have come is writing about how to handle harassing phone calls, which, after all, are cues to show up for more abuse.

I wonder why. I think it is because it breaks my heart that some of us think we have escaped, but haven’t. When a friend has unexplained bruises or little burns in strange places, I get really upset. Or when they start remembering recent abuse, perhaps after a long stretch of safety.

I’d like to believe that each and every one of us has broken with our perpetrators, worked through all the cues and programming, and disarmed all the triggers once and for all. That would mean we never could be hurt in this way again, we never could be abducted and reprogrammed. Unfortunately, this is only a lovely daydream.

If you think about studies on domestic violence, you will recall that the abused person often returns to the abuser, perhaps because they are too afraid not to, perhaps because they hope against hope that this time it will be different. The abuser may turn regretful and apologetic and things may be better for a short period of time. But the abuse inevitably returns, and often is more violent. The sweet talk is the carrot, the stick is the threat of dire consequences for disobedience. It’s the same with cults. Empty promises of power and status, more abuse.

There is another dynamic going on with cults. The parts who have been tortured into staying with the perpetrators are young and easily bullied. They also long for connection at any cost, believing that being hurt is the only way to stay attached to somebody, believing that is all they are good for. It is really hard to convince them that they deserve better and that they can live in freedom and safety. Unless they are 1000% convinced, that little kernel of doubt can be used as the entry point for bringing them back to be used and abused as before. (It’s these young parts who believe they must  report to their abusers and tell where they are, whether they moved, what they say in therapy or to their friends.)

Another problem is the existence, in some people, of more than one group or layer of alters. They may be identical to the presenting group, created as a back-up, or they may be organized in a very different manner. The presenting group usually is unaware of the other group(s). And so it is possible, even if all the parts in the presenting group have worked through all their programming and triggers, for there to be other parts who are still susceptible. Extremely discouraging!

Sometimes moving ends the abuse and harassment, sometimes it doesn’t. Many cults network with cults in other locations. In this way, if they want to harass a survivor, they don’t have to pick up and go to the place the person has moved to. They can call and ask for a favor or pay for the local cult to do the harassing. As long as there are active reporting alters, safety is an illusion.

On the other hand, they might leave the survivor alone for a period of time, counting on being able to call them back when they are needed. That period can be positively used to work with the reporting alters and to dismantle call-back triggers.

Please don’t take what I have written to mean that the situation is hopeless. It isn’t. Leaving a cult is very difficult, but it has been done by thousands and thousands of people, and you can do it, too. You have to be brave and face what is preventing you from escaping and you have to figure out what to do about it. And you have to remember that life outside the cult is infinitely better than what you have known. The world is wider than what you were taught, and it contains things you have never experienced,or only experienced for a short while. Things like love, compassion, respect for yourself and others, freedom from terror, beauty, – you an add your own dreams to this list.

Giving you a place to start this leg of the journey, here are two excellent articles on

“Seeing and Breaking the Chains: Steps for Recognizing On-Going Abuse and How to Break FREE” by Arauna Morgan at

“Ritual Abuse and Torture-based Mind Control: Reducing and Preventing Re-contact with Abusers” by Ellen Lacter

Go for it!