do I really want to remember the abuse?

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It’s interesting how the same themes come up over and over again in my healing. I used to think I could deal with something once, and it would stay dealt with. I wouldn’t be talking about it, thinking about it, fussing about it, year after year. I was wrong, of course, but rather than being discouraged, I’ve realized that I change on a deeper level each time I revisit an issue.

Healing is not like, say, tearing down a house, carting away the debris, and then planting trees. That only has to be done once, and it stays done. You will remember the effort it took to get that young forest going, but every time you visit it, you feel proud of the accomplishment and pleased and in awe of the beauty you created. Nor is it like a broken bone that can heal and be as good as new or a cold that runs its course and leaves the body just as it was before the cold came along.

It’s not like the grind of housework, either. Dust settles every day, dishes and clothes get dirty, and eventually you have to clean them. Your effort makes everything look nice for a day or so if you are lucky. And then you start from the beginning, all over again. Thank goodness! If healing were that way, I don’t think I could start it for more than a couple of months.

I forget who said this, but I once read that healing is not linear, it is a spiral process. You circle around the same cluster of issues, going deeper and deeper each time you visit them. They are the same issues, yes, but you see them with new eyes and notice aspects that you have never thought of. You make new connections and understand your life and yourself better. Your heart grows larger, and your mind grows more peaceful. Now that kind of healing I can live with!

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I found an article that I wrote for the Survivorship Notes in 1999 tucked away in a remote corner of my computer. It’s on how to make self-talk less critical and more kind and gentle.

I still catch myself being harsher than I wish, but I also catch myself being sweet and gentle to myself. That internal mean bitch has developed tact and an ability to praise and even jump up and down with excitement at some accomplishment of mine. It is so nice to see my inner critic becoming an expert in constructive criticism. So much learning and growth in those twenty-one years!

There was something else that surprised me when I read that old article. I didn’t know that I had stumbled upon the technique of labeling thoughts and urges and then turning my attention elsewhere so early on. I thought I remembered inventing it about ten years later. I guess healing tools get used and forgotten and rediscovered just as issues do. They aren’t all lined up in my mind, ready to be used at a moment’s notice. I have to wait until the time is right to use them, just as I have to wait until the time is right to deal with a particular issue.

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So here is my September 1999 article:

Self-Talk

I think that many survivors have a real double standard when it comes to the way they address themselves. I know I say things to myself that I never would say out loud to another human being. Things like idiot, dummy, stupid, “What is the matter with you, anyway????” And those are the more printable things I say to myself.

I don’t talk to children like that. I don’t speak that way even when I am fighting with somebody. And yet I routinely put myself down in a million different ways. Does wonders for the old self-esteem. Not.

I used to believe I was just being honest with myself, but I wasn’t. I was being rude and cruel. When I figured out that “I” was the most verbally abusive person in my life, I decided to do something about it.

When I meditate, I use a mantra, some word that captures my imagination at the moment. Whenever I notice a thought, emotion, or sensation, I just label it and turn my attention back to the mantra.

Why not try this with my internal dialogue? I decided to try the experiment. Any time I noticed that I was talking to myself with less respect than I deserved, I simply labeled the thought “programming.” Didn’t matter if it was a variation on the ‘I’m no good theme’ or a specific programmed urge to hurt myself, I still called it programming. And then I didn’t get into trying to figure out what had triggered me or what the meaning of the thought was. I just turned my attention back to whatever everyday thing I was doing at the moment.

For about three days, I drove myself nuts because every second word was “programming.” It began to feel like that awful word had become my mantra! But then I noticed that the undesired thoughts and criticisms started decreasing dramatically, and I was actually treating myself pretty decently.

This technique works far better for me than affirmations because affirmations tend to arouse my inner cynic. And if I counter a negative thought with a positive one, I am inviting myself to get into an argument with myself. With the labeling method, I don’t get all caught up in an endless loop trying to figure out if a positive statement is really true, or partially true, or sometimes true. The label is the push I need to turn back to the present.

I don’t know whether this would be helpful to others, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t be. If you don’t like “programming,” you can use a different label, like, for example, “lies.” It’s a technique where you are in control. It doesn’t seem to shut down memories, it’s something all alters or parts can learn, and it doesn’t cost anything. Worth a try, anyway!

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Upcoming Holidays

August
8/15 Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
September
9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
October
10/1 Full moon
10/12 Columbus Day (?)
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/31 Full moon (Blue Moon)
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/30 Tisha B’Av (Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)

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First, an update on shell alters.

I learned a lot from the three people who talked about their understanding of themselves in the comments section. Thank you!

What you shared has me 90% convinced that I am organized this way. I think it would be 100% if I never had a sense of being “me.” But sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Can whatever is front morph from being an alter, a person, to being a shell and back again? That would explain everything.

The more I learn, the more questions I have!

I asked the therapist study groups I am on about their experience with shell alters. A couple said they found them to be very common, even the majority of the DID people they saw. The others had never seen one that they knew of. I think this is a testimony to how effective this type of programming is at hiding multiplicity.

One therapist said that shells could also be used as information storage devices, like file cabinets. I haven’t quite visualized how that might be, but I believe it.

Nobody knew of an article published in a peer-reviewed journal. Alison Miller does discuss shell alters in different parts of her two books, “Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse” and “Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control.’ Look the book up in Amazon. Click “Look Inside” and then search for “shell.” (Searching for “shell alters” will get you far too many citations.)

Also, Svali has written a short article on shell alters, how they are created, and how they operate. https://www.transformation.dk/www.raven1.net/mcf/svali_speaks.htm#13

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I have an unpleasant habit of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I’m tired enough that I think that I am going to dose off any minute, so I don’t get up and do something useful, like the dishes, or fun, like playing a computer game. I lie there, minute after minute, wondering when exactly I am going to get to sleep. Sometimes I brood over something in the past that was unpleasant or something happening now that is even more unpleasant, like the coronavirus and its effects on our society.

A few nights ago, I was ruminating about things that had gone wrong in my friendships, and, to my horror, I noticed that I couldn’t remember the names of some of the people involved. Rather than start obsessing about whether I was getting demented, I wondered whether I really wanted to remember.

On the one hand, I wanted to know. I wanted to remember who had been in my life at each stage. With all this forgetting, my past looks pretty sparse, and I wish it were full and rich and projected on my mind’s eye in technicolor.

On the other hand, why should I want to remember all those unpleasant things that had happened with my friends? I really didn’t want to relive all those cringe-worthy moments. My nights would be much more serene if there was nothing upsetting to remember.

I also noticed that I had the worst of both alternatives. I remembered the icky stuff and forgot what I had liked about my friends, the sound of their voices, the times we laughed together, all those good things. I would prefer it to be the other way around.

It’s definitely the same with things that happened in the cult that I still don’t remember. It’s push/pull – I want to know them, and I want them to stay forgotten. At times, I had it both ways; I could remember and then forget all over again. I discovered this when I found some old writings and was amazed at what came roaring back to consciousness.

I think it is totally normal not to want to know all those horrible things that happened to other children, animals, innocent adults, and to me. It’s a lot easier to get through today without having that knowledge tearing me apart. How can I take pleasure in stroking my soft, friendly cat while remembering all the cats that were tortured and killed? How can I smile freely at children? It takes more healing than I can manage to hold both in my heart at once.

And yet, this is my life and my mind. Mine. All mine. I have a right to know what happened. How dare they erase my past? My past belongs to me, not to the cult.

I know very well that, when I do remember something, it makes me feel more whole. It explains things I have never understood before and reassures me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am not crazy, after all. I grieve and then feel lighter and more open to pleasure and happiness.

Unfortunately, I cannot push a button and remember. It’s as if the memories decide whether they come or stay hidden, and I am just an observer, along for the ride. If I could choose, I am pretty sure I would choose to remember. Perhaps I am already remembering all I am strong enough to bear. I don’t know. But I do know I would like to just accept things the way they are and stop fussing about them in the middle of the night!

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Upcoming Holidays

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/3 Full moon
8/15 Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
September
9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
October
10/1 Full moon
10/12 Columbus Day (?)
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/31 Full moon (Blue Moon)
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Tag: do I really want to remember the abuse?

Self-Talk, 1999 and 2020

Upcoming Holidays

Memories and Ambivalence

Upcoming Holidays

Upcoming Holidays

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Upcoming Holidays

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