Halloween 2018

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* I am looking for people who have been impregnated in a cult setting and lost their child through forced abortion, sacrifice, or forced adoption for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and therapists or pastors about the project? They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

~~~~~

I am thinking of all the people, adults as well as children, who will be hurt this Halloween. And all the animals who will be sacrificed. I have a special sadness for the black cats that will be killed, as I had a black kitty named Bobcat.

I wish I could somehow help everybody escape. Of course I can’t, but I still wish I could. I know that all I can do is tell my truth, that I was born into an intergenerational Satanic cult and that I escaped and, with a lot of hard work, made a happy, productive life for myself. I, and countless other survivors, are living proof that it can be done. And if somebody who is still enslaved happens to read about one of us, it may inspire them to free themselves.

You know, if enough people break their programming, there won’t be any more abusive cults!!! Attrition, that’s what we can hope for. That some day there will be only one Satanic circle left, and it will consist of three toothless old men who are having trouble remembering the rituals. It won’t be in my lifetime, but that is okay.

To those of you who are still caught in their evil embrace, I wish freedom for you. If you are ready to try and get out, I urge you to make a safety plan for Halloween, if you haven’t already done so. And make a back-up plan, in case you need to change direction. It’s so much better to be prepared than to have to wing it while you are terrified. If you aren’t ready, there will be opportunities in the future.

And please remember that leaving is usually a process, not an event, like flipping a light switch. Each time you try, you learn something more and are stronger and better prepared for the next attempt. Just because this attempt failed doesn’t mean the next one is fated to fail, too. Keep hoping, have faith that you will be able to escape, and keep plotting how you will do so.

For those of you who are out, whether it be for a few years or many, parts of you may not really believe this. They may feel fear and despair and their feelings may be communicated to you. Please try and remember that this is a “feeling flashback,” not reality. Talk to those parts (don’t expect an answer) and tell them that you are sorry horrible things happened to them and glad that they are alive and trust you enough to let you know how they feel. Do what you can to soothe them – in doing so you will soothe yourself.

I am in a phase where I am not very reactive to Satanic holidays. I can’t say I like any part of Halloween, but I am not going to freak out. This year will be a real test of whether or not I have flashbacks.

You see, I have cataract surgery scheduled for October 30! I had one eye done in January, so I am prepared for what will happen. It’s still not the best choice of days, I must admit. Especially as they threatened to blind me if I didn’t obey. But that is another story.

This time I get to blame the insurance company, not the cult. They will only cover the surgery if it performed in one place, a day surgery clinic. The clinic doesn’t have enough space to accommodate all the surgeons who want to use it so the waiting list is very long. I was originally scheduled to have it done on June 30, six months after my first surgery. Unfortunately I got an infection and they had to cancel it. I was then offered a date in January 2019 but talked my way onto the waiting list for a cancellation. When I lucked out, I took a deep breathe and accepted the October date.

It will be fine.

I’ll be thinking of all of you during those days and holding you in my heart with great tenderness.

~~~~~

UPCOMING HOLIDAYS

October

10/24 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve/ Hallomas/ All Souls Day/Start of the Celtic new year.
November

11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/22 US Thanksgiving
11/23 Full Moon
December
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/22 Full Moon
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups

11/9 Kristallnacht
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

Empowerment

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* I’m looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting to submit prose or poetry for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and therapists or pastors you know who work with survivors about the project? They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

 

Here is something I wrote in 2011. It has, I think, a different tone to it than my present day writing because I was writing for the Survivorship newsletter. I had a connection with a piece of paper; the readers were only an abstraction to me. That’s because there was absolutely no feedback, so I couldn’t tell how I was being received.

With the blog though, the readers are very real. I know some through the comments and others I know from reading their blogs or from other contexts. I feel the sense of connection comes through in my writing, which seems less stilted and warmer. Also, I try not to give advice, because, with feedback, I’ve learned it usually falls flat.

I’ll make a few comments at the end of the piece.

 

Empowerment

“I was musing on how people get from being passive little wimps to assertive movers and shakers of the world. At first it looked like magic to me, but as I turned it over in my mind I could see that it was likely that the process was quite down to earth, even a bit dull.

“Only two things are needed: doing something you are afraid of for the first time, and then practicing what you just did. It’s just like learning to ride a bicycle. At least that’s how I get from can’t to can – maybe others do it differently.

“Not so long ago I was very shy. I tried to fade into the wallpaper to avoid drawing attention to myself. I thought I had nothing to say, nothing that others would want to hear. But when I realized I had been subjected to Satanic ritual abuse, I knew I had to speak, like it or not. (Of course, most people didn’t want to hear about it, but that’s a different story.)

“The first time I spoke up, it was excruciating. I was sure I was going to die of fear. My heart was racing very, very fast and I was sweating all over and stammering. The second time I was sure it was going to feel just like the first time, and it did. However, I was pretty certain I would live. If there was any other difference, it was so small that I couldn’t perceive it.

“I kept speaking about ritual abuse. I practiced and practiced, and eventually my voice stopped shaking and I sounded strong and confident. I spoke to fellow survivors, to friends, to family, to dentists, to taxi drivers. I spoke one to one and in groups. I even spoke at the United Nations! I went from “I can’t, I’m going to die” to “of course I can.”

“I’d like to invite all of you to challenge your “I can’t” thinking. Pick one little thing you would like to be able to do and do it just once, as an experiment, and see what happens. If it’s not totally terrible, consider practicing the new behavior. After a while, you, too, will feel strong, confident, and empowered. It feels great, and you did it all yourself!”

 

Riding a bicycle – gotta share this with you-all. My mother was pretty out of it as far as raising children went. The year I graduated from high school, she decided I was too old for summer camp and signed me up for a bicycle tour in France. Lovely idea – except I didn’t know how to ride a bicycle. I had never been given one. I didn’t protest (protesting was not safe in my family) and so off I went with no idea how I would manage.

Luckily, the trip started with a home stay with a French family. They were appalled that I didn’t know how to ride a bike, and lent me one. Their son taught me to ride. On cobblestone streets, no less. In two weeks I could ride, sort of.

So, covered in bandaids, I made the trip. I don’t remember having a map, but somehow I managed to follow the directions. I was usually riding alone because I was so slow. but they always kindly saved some dinner for me. Actually, I liked riding alone because nobody could see how inept I was, I could stop and rest whenever I wanted, I could walk up hills without being ashamed, and I could give the beautiful countryside my full attention.

Looking back at my teenaged self, I am proud of myself and feel strong and empowered. Of course I was still living by cult and family rules back then, so pleasure in any accomplishment was out of the question. I felt inferior to the other kids, ashamed and stupid. I was sure they were laughing at me. I arrived late for dinner with my tail between my legs. I wish I could have arrived with a broad smile, bragging about my amazing accomplishment.

I’m glad I found this bit of writing because I had forgotten how much courage it took to talk about ritual abuse. I was breaking a cardinal cult rule and risking being punished by the cult and being called crazy and being ostracized by others. The cult left me alone, thank goodness, but many people ended the conversation as soon as they could and made sure they didn’t have to talk to me again. It took courage, despite losing friend after friend, to keep on talking and risk losing still another person.

It also took courage to accept feeling connected and valued and respected and believed, because, except for my children, I had not experienced that in my fifty-odd years. I had found a family, a community of people like me. It takes courage to risk being connected because, having never before taken that leap of faith, it is a totally new feeling. The unknown is always frightening for me, probably because I don’t know the rules of this new game and have no idea how to navigate within the unfamiliar parameters.. At the time I didn’t feel brave – I just felt compelled, as if had no choice. In retrospect, I am proud of myself and feel strong and empowered.

Upcoming Holidays

June
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon
July
7/4 Fourth of July/US Independence Day
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Full Moon
August
8/1 S N Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/26 S Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 N Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)