A Really Emotional Week

Can You, or Do You Know Anybody Who Might Be Able to … ?

Survivors all over the world need:

More drop-in groups
A men’s group
A group meeting in European time
A 12-Step group

Techies, or almost-techies needed:
A person to add items to the GrassRoots website. Ready-to-go text – no editing, typing, etc. required
Somebody who can coach people who want to use ZOOM, make podcasts, make videos, create slides
Somebody to handle Q&A periods for Webinars
Or somebody who can write directions for these things, so that people can do it themselves.

If all of that sounds too hard, write a comment giving:
Your favorite kid’s book and/or
Your favorite healing book and/or
Your favorite healing song and/or
Your favorite something else.

Write and let us know if you are interested in any of these requests. If you have other ideas, great! We want to hear about them, too. Use the comment section or write https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/contact-us/

Thank you!!!!

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RA/MC Panel at the International Trafficking and Social Justice Conference

We did it! We taped our panels, both of them. Now we can relax until September 22, when we meet again for live questions and answers.

Our time-slots are 1:45 and 3:15 on Thursday, September 22. 2022. Read more about our presentations, plus descriptions of all the other presentations at: https://app.traffickingconference.com/schedule

Please come see us in (virtual) person!  Survivors should choose the “Free Attendee Registration” option and remember to write for the registration code number. Register at    https://www.traffickingconference.com/register

Also, once you have registered for the conference, you must register for each event you want to attend.

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Pornhub News

In January 2020, Pornhub was the largest and most popular porn website, the 10th most visited website across the Internet (more than Netflix, Amazon, or Yahoo), and the third most influential tech company on society-at-large, only surpassed by Facebook and Google.

On June 20, the New Yorker published “The Fight to Hold Pornhub Accountable.” https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/06/20/the-fight-to-hold-pornhub-accountable I haven’t read it yet, but it must be really damning. A couple of days later, the Chief Executive Officer, Feras Antoon, and the Chief Operating Officer, David Tassillo, left without naming their successors. The same day,  about 30% of its employees were fired with no notice. Their computers were immediately shut down, and all methods of communication were disabled.

Who says we can’t fight back????

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A Really Emotional Week

On Thursday, we taped our presentation for the International Trafficking and Social Justice Conference.

I had spent the better part of each day of the week trying to find the latest version of my talk. This was no small task, as my computer filing system resembles my paper filing system, which consists of large piles of stuff all over the floor. Next time I write something that requires many revisions, I shall consider keeping a running list of the names of the drafts and where they are to be found.

Special thanks to River, Mary, and j., who read the text numerous times, gave really helpful suggestions, and listened to me read it aloud. I used their words verbatim in many places. Not only did they help make it a better presentation, but they also calmed me down.

Being a perfectionist, of course, I am dissatisfied. With the text. With my voice. With my gestures (or lack of them.) With my appearance. Actually, it’s not perfectionism, it is a resurgence of the lies they told me throughout my childhood. There is nothing like videotaping oneself giving the short version of one’s RA/MC/OA experiences to stir up old messages, old feelings.

Anyway, it is done. It is a big weight off my shoulders, and the last part, the live questions and answers on the actual day, will be easy in comparison. One cannot prepare for that!

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Something else really hard happened this week. I don’t want to write about it because I don’t want it to be true. I also don’t want to make anybody else sad. But it is sad, and it is true. If you have been reading the “Update on Baker”, you may be somewhat prepared.

Anyway, Baker never started eating – he ate less and less each day. The medication his vet gave him may have made him more comfortable, but it didn’t do anything to combat the disease. That told us that irritable bowel was not the problem and that it was cancer. We had chosen to treat the most common feline bowel cancer, and it turned out to be one of the less common ones. We made sensible decisions, but we guessed wrong. It’s okay (no it’s not!) If we had guessed right, and he had gone into remission, he would only have lived a couple of extra months.

So Baker died yesterday, and I have been crying non-stop.

The wonderful thing is that this was an open adoption, and his previous person and I have become friends. We made treatment decisions together, and we were always on the same page. She is a wonderfully kind person, and I love that her name is Katt.

This week, Katt’s daughter and her daughter’s significant other came to visit Baker. They spent hours petting him and reminiscing. I spent time with them, then back to ZOOM, then more time. We shared vegan pizza. They sent me his baby pictures – he was such a cute little kitten.

Thursday, right after the taping, I spoke to the vet, and she said the kindest thing to do would be to help him die peacefully. I immediately called Katt, we discussed the options one more time, and she agreed that was the best choice.

A couple of days ago, I learned I had been exposed to COVID. So I was in isolation and could not bring him to the vet to be with him in his last moments. The three of them gladly took him in. My vet arranged for a ZOOM call, so I could sort of be there. I really, really appreciated her thoughtfulness, and it was great to see how gentle she was with everybody

For one last time, I saw how beautiful Baker was and how terribly thin and lethargic he had become. I knew he was surrounded by familiar people who loved him. It was all okay. I cried my eyes out.

They brought his body back, and we buried him in my garden, between Dakota (my previous cat) and where the sweet peas are in early summer. The header shows me covering him with flowers and then dirt.

Now all that there is left to do is grieve.

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Upcoming Holidays

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 (?) St. Bartholomew’s Day

September
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

July 29: Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party.
August 1: Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrations.

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You can find more information on the following holidays at: Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/

Body Memories, Flashbacks, and Blood Pressure

Notices are after this entry.

Now I know that the body remembers what happened to it and can duplicate the state the body was in during a traumatic event. This is considered a kind of sensory flashback, along with flashbacks of sight, sound, taste, and smell. Add pain and touch, and you can account for most body memories.

I know that blood vessels right under the skin can dilate during a flashback. Years and years ago, I saw a red mark appear on a survivor’s neck as she was describing being choked. That, to my mind, was a clear body memory.

So is it possible that major arteries and veins can constrict and dilate during a body memory? Why not? The actual mechanism could be the same as it was years earlier when the trauma took place.

Let me go back over my blood pressure history with that possibility in mind. I’m going to get detailed because I am so preoccupied with the readings.

I had normal blood pressure (120/80) until I got my first RA memories about thirty years ago.

I was first diagnosed with high blood pressure (163/124) in 1985 and put on blood pressure-lowering medication. I have been on meds ever since. When one stopped working, I was given a different one or an additional one. Then a third and even a fourth was necessary to keep things at a mild roar.

About six or seven years ago, I started feeling light-headed at night. I was afraid of falling and so lay down on the floor. I’d doze off (or lose consciousness?) on and off for a couple of hours and then, when I felt safe enough to stand and walk, take myself to bed. I started to wonder if these episodes could be explained by low blood pressure, and kept the blood pressure cuff by the computer.

I was right. I started feeling light-headed when my systolic blood pressure was below 100.

I lost all faith in my cardiologist when she told me I was having transient ischemic attacks (mini-strokes), that I was unsafe living at home, and that I should move into assisted living. She didn’t do an EKG, order any other tests, and didn’t seem to have considered any other possible explanations. She also said I was too dumb to understand what I read on the Internet and should just trust her. So I went hunting for a new cardiologist.

However, my primary care physician thought I was over-medicated and took me off three of the four medications I was taking. She was right. Older people become less efficient at metabolizing medications. The poor old liver and kidneys have to work harder, and when they can’t keep up, blood levels of medication rise. I have not been on more than two medications at a time since then.

My new cardiologist is a far better doctor and humble enough to know when he does not know something. Recently, he sent me to a Hypertension Clinic to be evaluated. The good news was that they ruled out all the serious things they usually find in people referred to them for hypertension. The bad news is that they seemed to have run out of ideas.

I researched and found postprandial hypotension. Postprandial hypotension occurs in older folks when blood rushes to the stomach to help digest food, and there isn’t enough left to maintain blood pressure. So I tried eating six small meals a day instead of three normal ones and checking my blood pressure. Not my problem: it only dropped a few points, just as when I was eating three meals a day.

A fellow RA survivor friend suggested polyvagal shutdown. Polyvagal shutdown occurs when you are terrified, and it is not possible to fight or flee from the danger. The vagal nerve takes over, stops the production of adrenaline, slows heartbeat and breathing, and drops blood pressure. That’s the “freeze” response – playing possum in hopes the saber-tooth tiger will think you are dead and go after more appealing prey.

So if the freeze response occurs now, it probably is because we are having an emotional flashback to a terrifying situation, and the vagal nerve thinks it’s happening in the present and reacts as if it were happening in the present. In other words, a body flashback.

Then I started seeing a whole new pattern of low blood pressure measurements. During the days, first a couple of days a week, then more often, my blood pressure would be normal, plus or minus 15 points. Hooray! The drugs were working!

Except – when the readings were below 140, I did not take the meds because I was afraid I would faint if I had a 50-60 point drop. And I refused to take that chance. So this was all happening without meds.

Of course, I went right to the direst explanation. There was something else seriously wrong with my heart that prevented it from beating strongly enough to raise my BP to my “normal” level. And it was rare, and even if they identified what it was, there was no treatment, and it would do me in.

Survivors in my support groups suggested that the body is very good at healing itself and that I had been happy recently. Maybe I had finally relaxed enough that things were approaching normal. My new normal might be healthy!

Well, I was a tad skeptical. Had I been reacting to the stress of remembering and coping with all that brought with it by having high blood pressure continuously since 1985? And now, had I worked through all my issues and relaxed enough for my blood pressure to come down to 120/80 plus or minus 15 points systolic? Not likely, but it would be great if that were so.

A nurse practitioner challenged my pessimism during an intake interview with me for a sleep study that the Hypertension Clinic had ordered. I told her what was going on, that I had had a super sucky childhood, and my friends suggested that the high blood pressure was due to remembering and that now I seem much happier, more present, more relaxed. And that is why my blood pressure is dropping back to near-normal.

I asked if this were possible, and she said, “absolutely.”

My current hypothesis about my blood pressure is that the presence or absence of flashbacks governs it. Until I remembered, I had no flashbacks, so my blood pressure was normal. Then my memories came, and I was in almost continuous flashbacks of one sort or another for thirty-five years. Now, although it is news to me, I have worked through enough that I am no longer under the stress that continuous flashbacks caused, and my blood pressure is returning to normal.

If so, thank you, my wondrous, miracle-performing body. And, even if this isn’t the explanation, I’m in awe of your resilience. I thought I would be dead at thirty, and you thought otherwise. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Cat Update

Baker has discovered the cat tree and has made it to the first level. He promptly falls asleep there. From the exertion? It’s only a sixteen-inch jump. I was assured that he likes to be high up and would jump up on counters (no), tables (no), bookshelves (no), and cat trees. I’m just as glad he doesn’t like to be on the kitchen counters.

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 Holiday ZOOM Drop-In Group to celebrate our freedom

We are meeting on Sunday, July 3, 2 – 4 PM Pacific Time to celebrate our escape from the perpetrators. Our freedom. Our independence.

Stop in to say hello or stay the whole time. Bring a meal or a snack and eat together or just hang out with other RA/MC survivors. joanies and Rainsinger will be our hosts.

Register through  https://grassroots-ra-mc-collective.org/events/ d.

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RA/MC Panel at the International Human Trafficking and Social Justice Conference

I will be part of a four-person panel of RA/MC survivors of child sex trafficking. The title of the presentation is “The Interface between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse, and Mind Control Programming.” It will be in two parts. Each part will consist of a panel discussion recording followed by live questions and answers. There will be a fifteen-minute break between the two sections.

Our time-slots are 1:45 and 3:15 on Thursday, September 22. 2022. Read more about the presentation plus descriptions of all the other presentations at https://app.traffickingconference.com/schedule

Please come see us in (virtual) person! Choose the “Free Attendee Registration” option for survivors and remember to write for the registration code number. Register at https://www.traffickingconference.com/register

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Upcoming Holidays

July
7/4 Independence Day
7/13 Full Moon
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Grand Climax/Da Meur

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

September
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

July 29: Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party.
August 1: Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrated dates.
September 22: autumnal equinox, “Fall Festival.
9/25 – 9/27: Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year)

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You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/