My Home as a Reflection of My Inner Self

* Two hard days in May have passed – Beltane and Mothers’ Day. There’s a full lunar eclipse coming up on the 26th (they always occur on a full moon) and then a long weekend, Memorial Day. I wrote a short little blog post on long weekends back in 2016. https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/08/10/long-weekends/

And then we have a break until Fathers’ Day on June 20 and the summer solstice on June 2.

* There are two announcements after the main part of this post.

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I follow declaredominion.com, which is the website of Katherine North, a life coach. I need a life coach because I learned a lot about death as a kid, but life? Not so much.

Katherine sends me a “missive” every Saturday. Her missives are long personal letters with a moral. This week it was about fixing a gaping hole in her kitchen wall left by electricians. I could relate, having recently had not one, but many holes left by electricians. Now that everything is all fixed up, the lighting is awesome – I can actually see really, really well! The memory of the mess is fading fast, covered by a later of dirty dishes and thirsty plants.

Anyway, this week Katherine said, among other things,

“Our homes are such powerful metaphors for what’s happening in our inner lives!”

“If your home was a metaphor, is there anywhere your energy is draining out?“

“And if so, what is the GENTLEST possible way you could begin attending to it? Not with panic, not with shame, but with love and care, as a way of honoring your sacred energies?”

“Our physical worlds are reflections of our inner ones, and we can shift the way we feel by shifting the spaces around us.”

And, just a reminder, “It usually gets worse to get better.”

Do I ever relate!

Inside, I am piles and piles of dust particles. Or sand particles. Or tiny shards of broken china. Teeny things, without form or function.

But somehow, who knows how, they come together to make a sort-of-me. Then they have a form and a function. The cook. The cat feeder. The blog writer. And when they have finished the task, they separate and collapse back into piles of tiny pieces.

I know it isn’t always the same little pieces that form the “self” that is needed at the time. The cook who is dropping things on the floor isn’t the same cook as the one who always manages to gently put plates on a flat surface. Then there is the cook who cannot remember how long it takes to boil an egg, the one who seasons things to perfection, the one who prepares five servings of fruit and vegetables, and the one who says, “Fuck this! I am having pizza and ice cream tonight.”

I do not know what holds these pieces together long enough to get food on the table. And I don’t know how the pieces are selected and assembled. I’ve never seen a me-part that was in charge of creating other parts of me.

Looking around my house, I see piles of tiny things. I also see piles of larger things waiting to be organized into something even larger. That makes me wonder if pre-assembled parts of my selves are lying around inside waiting to be used. It would be efficient, wouldn’t it? A chunk of knowledge, a chunk of competence, a piece of panic, and always two ready-formed left feet and one perfect right one.

It’s too bad there are no piles of physical things to use as spare parts. I’d like a brand-new heart with all its innate functions intact, a lot of new teeth, and, best of all, a lumbar spine in working order. When I think what a miracle that would be, I realize that the system I have inside with the intangible parts of myself is also a miracle. Imagine! At a moment’s notice, all sorts of people can appear – a mother, a copy editor, a reader of French newspapers, somebody who, oddly enough, enjoys math jokes. What a diverse bunch of interests and abilities lurk inside me!

So if Katherine is right, and we can change our insides by changing the outside, it would make sense to organize little piles into bigger, more coherent piles. I’m not sure she is, because an artist part of me may be making a mess to communicate that I am a mess inside. Tidying up would be shutting down that path of communication, silencing me as I was consistently silenced in childhood. Not helpful.

But tidying things up might just as well be an artist part trying to tell other inside parts, “Hey, look what’s possible! We can all become bigger and better and more competent and happier without giving up anything. We can become more ourselves, if we want, and we can do it in our way, not in obedience to anybody else!”

I think I will try this approach and see what happens.

PS Math nerds can enjoy fractal elephants at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DK5Z709J2eo and other “Doodling in Math Class” videos.

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Upcoming Holidays

May

5/12 (?) Armed Forces Day

5/23 Pentecost

5/26 Total Lunar Eclipse

5/26 Full Moon

5/31 Memorial Day

June

6/10 Annular Solar Eclipse

6/20 Fathers’ Day

6/21 Summer solstice

6/23 Midsummer’s Eve

6/24 (?) St John’s Day

6/24 Full Moon

July

7/4 Independence Day

7/23 Full Moon

7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

7/27 Grand Climax

 

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

5/17 Shavuot (Festival of Harvest, Festival of Moses receiving the Ten Commandments)

6/6 D-Day (Invasion of France in WW2)

7/18 Tisha B’Av (Jewish Day of Mourning)

7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

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* You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

 Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/

 Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/

 Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/

 and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/

Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/

Halloween {personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 

Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/

Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/

Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 

Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/

Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/

Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/

Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox)  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/

Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/

Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/

Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/

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* Survivorship Regular Conference – Saturday and Sunday, May 22 – 23, 2021

Clinician’s Conference – Friday, May 21, 2021

Information on the speakers, topics, and registration is at https://survivorship.org/the-survivorship-ritual-abuse-and-mind-control-2021-conference/

* The May 2021 issue of SMART’s newsletter summarizes these articles about Elizabeth Loftus. https://ritualabuse.us/2021/04/issue-158-may-2021/ You can also find them at https://ritualabuse.us/smart/elizabeth-loftus/

 – A Brief History of the False Memory Research of Elizabeth Loftus

 – Ethics Complaints Filed Against FMSF Board Member Elizabeth Loftus

 – “Lost in a Shopping Mall” A Breach of Professional Ethics

 – Quotes: Elizabeth Loftus, Ph.D.

 – The Alleged Ethical Violations of Elizabeth Loftus in the Case of Jane Doe

After the Triumph, the Crash

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Summer Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/the-summer-solstice-lughnasadh-lamas/

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It took only two weeks for the euphoria of having made a decision not to drive to wear off. I felt – and still feel – that it is an act of self-care and that I am being grown-up and realistic and responsible. These are all good things.

I am lucky enough to live in a city with both Uber and Lyft. I am unlucky enough to find it’s a total hassle to use these services. Twice I have been stranded, and most of the other times I have been anxious about being left on a street corner. It’s not a lot of fun.

I was going to call my reaction backlash, but it isn’t. It’s just the disappointment of waking up to reality. Backlash, according to the MacMillan dictionary, is “a strong, negative, and often angry reaction to something that has happened, especially a political or social change.”

We know of that backlash first-hand because people who had a vested interest in not exposing child abuse (especially the more violent, systematic versions of child abuse, like ritual abuse and government/military mind control) launched a sophisticated campaign to discredit survivors and their therapists. With enough stories placed in the media, the general public came to believe that such things just don’t happen…especially in their back yard.

There’s another, more personal, kind of backlash. It occurs when it seems that a cult member is about to escape. Attempts to intimidate them into staying increase – harassment, physical attacks, threats to attack people they care about, attempts to get them fired or evicted, etc. We are living evidence that these tactics don’t always work!

And then there is the internal backlash. When you do something that is loving toward yourself, or when you dare to fall in love or make a best friend or get a fantastic job, another part of you freaks out and tries to sabotage your accomplishment. There is a lot of internal chaos, self-criticism, and attempts at self-punishment. That is breaking the cult’s rules! And that is forbidden and dangerous and you must stop right now!

Everybody on the outside supported me, and I didn’t have much internal backlash. Occasionally a self-critical thought flowed into my mind. I was to blame. I should have worn sunglasses all my life. I should have taken the early signs of arthritis more seriously and started physical therapy earlier. And eaten better and exercised more and smarter. (Not that those things would have helped me drive longer. It’s just that when I think of one thing I did wrong, I get on a roll and think of all the other things that I could have or should have done and didn’t.) Realistically, wearing sunglasses every time I went outside might have bought me a year or so more of driving, but there still would have come a day when I would have had to give it up.

Those internal put-downs are few and faint. Mainly it is just a realization of what a hassle depending on strangers can be and how much longer it takes. Also, even though the Internet claims that it is no more expensive than owning a car, it sure seems that way. I haven’t gotten rid of the car yet, so, of course, I’m still paying insurance and, since the car is seventeen years old, there’s no depreciation to factor in.

Yesterday, however, there was a real positive side to not driving. My best friend took me to Trader Joe’s. He said, “You don’t have to stock up for a month, you know. We will go again.” I thanked him profusely, and he said, “This is what family is for.” I felt so loved!

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day
July
7/2 Total solar eclipse. Visible in parts of South America
7/4 Fourth of July/ US Independence Day
7/16 Full moon
July 16 – 17 Partial lunar eclipse. Visible in South America, Africa, most of Europe and Asia, Australia, and New Zealand.
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/12 Mothers’ Day
5/18 Full moon
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/1 – 5/2 Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Memorial Day)
5/7 – 5/8 Yom HaZikaron (Memorial Day, Day of Remembrance)
5/8 – 5/9 Yom HaAtzma’ut (Israeli Independence Day)
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
5/18 Armed Forces Day (?)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day
July
7/2 Total solar eclipse. Visible in parts of South America
7/4 Fourth of July/ US Independence Day
7/16 Full moon
July 16 – 17 Partial lunar eclipse. Visible in South America, Africa, most of Europe and Asia, Australia, and New Zealand.
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

 

Update on My Huge Commitment to Myself

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Remember that two anthologies are seeking submissions:

1. Jade Miller is working on an anthology about the difficulty of finding a therapist who can work with DID or other forms of dissociation. Write her at thetraumasurvivorstale@gmail.com

2. I am seeking submissions of accounts of forced abortion, sacrifice, or forced adoption of babies in a cult setting. Contact me through the comments section, rahome@ra-info.org or RA Projects, PO Box 14276, 4304 18th St., San Francisco CA 94114.

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I told you that I was making a huge commitment to myself in hopes of slowing down the progression of my arthritis. The decision is made! I’m committed.

There are already some changes. I can stand longer without pain, and I can walk further without being forced to sit down by the pain in my lower back. So I am happy. However, my knee, the one that is original equipment, has flared up and so it is still painful to walk. I am hoping that the knee is reacting to the positive change in my back and as soon as it gets used to them it will stop hurting so much.

What did I give up? Some housework, definitely. So what!

I’m getting more and more behind on email. I’ve unsubscribed to some nonessential mailing lists and, I need to do more on that front. I also need to write shorter answers and to stop agreeing to do so many things. That will make me sad, as I like doing all the things I sign up for. But it is only a temporary deprivation.

I’ve also stopped going to the pool as often, and that isn’t acceptable to me. I need to go regularly and reestablishing my routine has been very difficult this year. It’s been one legitimate thing after another; several sicknesses, a conference, a death in the family, my kids visiting me, and I forget what else. It looks like making one big commitment is leading to making another medium-sized one!

There’s no pool commitment yet. I don’t know how to throw the switch and make a decision whenever I want. I’m in the phase of wanting to do something but not doing it and not knowing how to make the jump.

What a familiar place that is! It reminds me of the zillion times I tried to stop smoking and fell flat on my face. I know it finally clicked in, but I don’t remember it happening. Somehow, instead of starting again after a short time of not smoking, the time when I abstained just got longer and longer. Now and then I would bum a cigarette from somebody on the street and enjoy it immensely. I haven’t done that in a couple of years, but the smell of smoke still makes me want to.

I don’t think wanting to make a decision and being stuck, being unable to, is unique to ritual abuse survivors. From time to time it happens to everybody lucky enough to be free to make choices. Even people who seem to have no trouble making decisions often have trouble following through. Easy in, easy out, eh?

However, for me, everything is flavored, so to speak, with the residuals of ritual abuse. I am living my present life in the shadow of the past. It goes more smoothly when I remember the shadow is there and pay attention to the adjustments I need to make in order to compensate.

I like the metaphor of the shadow! When I started remembering, flashbacks were almost constant, and the shadow was so large it almost obscured every ray of light. I had to squint to see the vague outline of the present. One day it would be huge and black, the next day a little smaller and tiny bit fainter. Over the years, it got smaller and fainter, but there still were times when it appeared full force. It hasn’t been full force for several years, but it still can get mighty big and dark.

So, looking at what that shadow might be obscuring, the idea of rejecting pain being taboo comes to mind. Doing things to make myself feel better is immensely difficult. I remember trying to hide being sick when I was a child and being afraid to go to the doctor because he might discover there was something wrong and it was my fault. But these are just derivatives of desperately not wanting to displease Satan by rejecting pain. Since my parents were involved, they, too, had the same belief – that Satan got furious when you took back your sacrifice and tried to diminish the amount of pain you were suffering. So if I did that, they would get it, as well as me. Proof they had not raised me right.

Well, I said fuck it and made a huge commitment. I’ll say fuck it again and make a commitment to the pool. And fuck you to Satan and the horse he rode in on. And I will get away scot-free!

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Upcoming Holidays

April
4/20 Holy Saturday
4/21 Easter Sunday
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
5/1 Beltane
5/12 Mothers’ Day
5/18 Full moon
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
4/19 – 4/27 Passover/Pesach (Deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt)
4/20 Hitler´s actual birthday
4/21 Hitler’s alternative birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and his actual birthday and half-birthday on Easter of the current year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/1 – 5/2 Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Memorial Day)
5/7 – 5/8 Yom HaZikaron (Memorial Day, Day of Remembrance)
5/8 – 5/9 Yom HaAtzma´ut (Israeli Independence Day)
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
5/18 Armed Forces Day (?)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)