A Beltane Re-Birth Memory

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”
* A reader wants to know if anybody else was married to the beast. You can post it under “Feast of the Beast” or here if you prefer.
* Also, does anybody know how to get through a flashback when you have been stuck in it for months?
* Looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and supportive therapists or pastors about the project? They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

A Beltane Re-Birth Memory

I was going to write about Walpurgisnacht, but when I started to research it, everything sounded familiar. That’s because I wrote about it last year. You can read about it at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/

I found I couldn’t think of anything else to write about. I couldn’t focus: my brain wandered from one thing to the next. When I asked myself why, the answer was “because of Beltane.” Then I could focus again.

I told you-all that a memory was trying to surface. It made it! It is of an initiation ritual, being “born again” into Satanism at the age of four.

At Beltane that year, I was in a clearing in the woods at my grandfather’s country home in the Adirondacks. The carcass of a deer was brought in and I was shoved, naked, into the cavity. It was loosely sewn up so that I could breathe, the requisite words were spoken or chanted in unison, and then they started pushing me forwards by pressing on the deer skin. I came out, head first, born into the world of evil around me. I was then officially old enough to attend rituals.

I don’t remember what happened next. I do have a body memory of pressure around the top of my head, pressure from the deer skin. I may get more of the memory when that pressure passes.

I believe this is not a Beltane ritual at all, but one that is supposed to occur on the equinox. Beltane is about sex and conception, not birth, and the equinox is when lambs and calves are born. But since I lived in New York City, it was difficult, to say the least, to obtain a whole cow or a whole deer. My “birth” was therefore postponed until somebody could go shoot a female deer.

My mind wandered and I imagined transporting a cow carcass through the streets of New York. Too big to shove into a taxi, so they must have used a truck. Certainly it wasn’t delivered during the day, but there are still enough people around at night that somebody might have seen that. The city that never sleeps!

What explanation could they possibly have given? At least with a deer they could say they were taking it to a taxidermist and it was being prepared for the Museum of Natural History. Then they wouldn’t have to sneak around at night – unless the ritual called for a midnight delivery.

The cult I was born into was stingy and not  very imaginative. They wouldn’t have been happy shelling out money for a deer and trucking it into the city, all for a ritual for a measly four year old. And they didn’t like to take risks, either. So it would have been more expedient to postpone the ritual until May.

When I am half into a memory, I get to Googling things. I learned that the deer season in New York from 1940 to 1942 was November 1 – 30 and the limit was one antlered (male) animal per licensed hunter. And I learned that the Egyptian Book of the Dead, Alison Miller, Valerie Sinason, and Walter Bowart all mention this ritual but none discuss it at length. Also that daffodils bloom in mid May in the Adirondacks but there is much variation depending on when the snow fall melts and the ground warms. I Googled this because I have a photo of myself picking daffodils that year.

Okay, I feel a little better now that I have that information. I feel that I “always knew” that had happened to me. Certainly I have known about that birth-into-evil- ritual for decades and it is unlikely I read about it, since I have never read the Book of the Dead and neither Bowart, Sinason, nor Miller had written about it by the early ’90’s.

I wish I could trust that “always knew” feeling, or at least notice when I seem to know something that others don’t. Sometimes I trust it, other times I don’t. This time I didn’t even notice it for over twenty years. I hate to think what else I haven’t noticed…and how long it will take me to remember.

 

Upcoming Holidays
April
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
June
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

 

 

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Making Anna Proud

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* A reader wants to know if anybody else was married to the beast. You can post it under “Feast of the Beast” or here if you prefer.

* Also, does anybody know how to get through a flashback when you have been stuck in it for months?

*I’m looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and therapists or pastors you know about the project? They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

Beltane is coming up, and I feel I should write about it. But I’m working on a Beltane memory and am very jittery. I don’t want to get out of this space by writing about it yet. I therefore refer you  to “Beltane” at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/ This entry is historical. “Beltane Blues” at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/beltane-blues/, however, is an essay  on self-forgiveness by a man I have known since 1993.

Making Anna Proud

I’m a fan of Anna Kunnecke, who is an online life coach. I haven’t been a client of hers, but she throws out free useful little things to do to get your life going more smoothly. And I think she is hilarious.

I’m quoting part of her latest blog post – you can see all of it at http://declaredominion.com/2018/04/13/are-you-actually-just-a-wimp/

Now, every year I have a terrible times with taxes. It’s so bad that some years I have said that the Ides of April are a cult holiday. It’s a meeting of three fears: authority, money, and the post office. (I imagine not everyone shares my fear of post offices – if you do, I would love to hear if you have figured out what it is all about. The only thing I have remembered is my mother telling me that if I didn’t behave, she would put a stamp on me and mail me. Where? She didn’t say. I didn’t speculate, I don’t think. But I did imagine being stuffed into a mail box.)

So, convergence of phobias. Fear of envelops. Fear of writing a check. Fear of addressing an envelop. Fear of putting the check into it and sealing it. Oh! I almost forgot the stamp. And worst of all, fear of actually mailing it.

When the taxes were over and done with and mailed, I was relieved, pleased with myself, maybe even proud. I mailed them two days early so I didn’t have to worry about them putting me in prison because they were late. I neglected to worry about going to prison for making a mistake and that was very nice.

I planned on giving myself some sort of treat, but forgot to. Oh well, perfection eludes me still.

That very day, Anna sent out her weekly email. She’s addressing last year’s me, who scolded myself for still being stuck with all these stupid anxiety-provoking, procrastination-provoking phobias. Here’s what she said, edited down a bit.
“It’s a little bit like the way that my family is about airports. We have, collectively, spent about 4,000 years in airports – dropping each other off, picking each other up, saying hello, saying goodbye – and instead of being blasé about the whole thing, it’s as though the emotions just grow bigger each time. It’s as if every painful goodbye wells up in me every time I say goodbye, and it gets harder, not easier. We dread these airport partings so much that we have moved to a strict curbside drop-off policy, quick and clean, love-you-bye-kiss-wave-drive away-and-cry.

“We talk about this amongst ourselves, how instead of getting easier it seems to get harder, and how that doesn’t make any sense.

“But it does make sense. Because we are humans, and we remember things. Our minds, sometimes, imperfectly – but our bodies remember.

“So here is the whole reason I am telling you all this.

“If there is something in your life that is hard for you, and every time it comes up you think, THIS SHOULD BE EASIER BY NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, this is your permission slip to knock that shit right off.

“Give yourself some grace, instead.

“Give yourself some kindness.

“Give yourself a fucking break, okay?

“Some things are harder, even for powerhouses.

“Maybe calling the insurance company is really hard for you, but you’re amazing at being with people in unbearable grief. Maybe dealing with your ex leaves you shaken and hollow-eyed, but you can wrangle a gnarly tax return like a superhero. Maybe you’re basically a total boss about EVERYTHING…unless your stepmom calls.

“We’re all strong in some areas, and we have some things that still reduce us to puddles of melting jello.

“Just be kind to the melting jello that is you.

“It is not the only part of you. It is just a part of you that is reminding you to be human. And human is messy. But human is also sweet.

“So here’s the deal. When I’m a mess this week, I’m going to be kind to myself.

“And when you’re a mess this week, you’re going to be kind to YOURSELF.

“Deal?”

 

I silently say, “Yup, Anna, deal. You’d be proud of me for being kind to my yearly April 15 puddle of jello. And right now I’ll try and not put myself down for not remembering,after all this damn time, all of those horrible things that happened at Beltane.

 

Upcoming Holidays

April
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects}
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
June
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/20 Hitler’s birthday
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)