Winter Solstice
The solstice is tomorrow; it starts tonight if your cult celebrates on the evenings before. Hopefully, it will all be over at midnight. (I think the more “religious” groups end at midnight, as is their custom, while the more “secular” ones stop whenever they feel like it.)
We are headed into more hard days. Take out your lists of things you can do to help yourself get through them. Update those lists. Some things didn’t work very well, so you can drop them. You may have discovered new things that did help, and they should be added.
If you are still being abused, honor all the parts of you that have kept you alive through the horrendous things that have been done to you – and all the horrendous things you saw being done to others, animals and humans alike. I want you to know that I hope and wish with all my heart that you may get free, permanently, and soon. And I have faith that you are getting close to that day – the fact that you are reading these words shows how very far you have come.
For those of you who are out, you may have still be having flashbacks. I wish you comfort from people who care about you and the ability to give comfort to those parts of you who hold the memories, especially the emotional memories. And I hope you hold tight to the knowledge that these days do not last forever, and there will be respite.
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More on Boundaries
What makes learning how to set healthy boundaries so difficult for survivors?
In words of one syllable – Extreme childhood trauma. Torture in childhood. Lousy parenting. No role models. I could go on, but I don’t need to. You know all this.
Plus which, there are obstacles in the present as well. Healing, itself, is stressful! And stress makes it hard to concentrate on setting boundaries. You may have left the cult successfully but find yourself without money or other resources. You may be surrounded by others who have not had a chance to learn about healthy boundaries. If this is the case, you may find it helpful to check out ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.) It’s a Twelve-Step program for people from all sorts of dysfunctional families. You will find they are working on issues very similar to yours, even though they are not RA survivors.
I remember meeting people in my teens who were loving to their children, communicated clearly, respected their children’s autonomy, and accepted them as they were. I was stunned. I watched quietly, soaking in new ideas about how life could be and how I could be in the world. I did not have to be like my parents. I could copy these people and trust that, in time, it would become natural to act like them, not like the adults in my past. That’s the joy of having role models. You can have them at any age – you just have to find them!
Even if you have set a nice clear boundary, it’s hard to keep track of it when you are having flashbacks and are primed to react to situations as you did as a child. Automatically, you fall back into the old, familiar way of doing things. That’s because the energy needed to remember the new way is directed back into the past. It’s okay. These things happen to all of us. When you have dealt with the flashback, you will once again be able to focus on the present.
Communication
You can have a clear idea of where you want a boundary to be, but that’s pretty useless unless others know about it. Not everybody needs to know, of course. The postman has no need to know that you aren’t going to work on weekends, for example. It should be pretty easy to figure out who should know and who would be puzzled.
What do I mean by clear? For years I would start with something like this. “Um, er…I was just thinking the other day. Maybe it might be a good idea to try – just as an experiment, you know….” Not any more! Now it is more like, “I have decided that….” You have a RIGHT to have self-protective boundaries. You even have a RIGHT to change your mind! And remember that you are under no obligation to give reasons unless you want to.
It is always harder to take something away than it is to give it. This means that when you initially set a boundary, the other person may accept it immediately. If you are pulling back, the other person may be hurt, angry, or disappointed. It takes some of the sting out of the perceived rejection if you can honestly say, “This isn’t personal. I am telling everybody that I am making this change.” It also helps if you can have a good reason that you are willing to share, like poor health or a new time-consuming job. It also helps if you can offer something that the other person might like without breaking your boundary.
Take a moment to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Rehearse it to yourself and run it by a friend, if you can, who is pretty good at setting and keeping boundaries. Ideally, you will come across as relaxed and confident. That can be hard if you are feeling anxious and guilty!
I have found that having clear, consistent boundaries makes my life simpler. I no longer have to consider the pros and cons of each decision – the boundary I have set determines the answer. Kids have to go to bed at a certain time on school nights but can stay up an hour later on Fridays and Saturdays. I will not eat potato chips except at parties. I can’t make pies for the bake sale, but I can contribute some nice store-bought cookies.
An aside – I am having a terrible time setting consistent boundaries around COVID. Not my fault – the risks keep changing, and I am always scrambling to catch up. It would be much easier if I chose to be 100% risk-free, holed up day after day in my own safe apartment, or if I chose to be a daredevil and do as many of the things I used to do as possible without regard to the consequences. For me, though, the sensible choice is somewhere in the middle – but where? And the middle keeps shifting with each new variant of the virus and with each study I read. I think I would be better off if I read less – maybe that’s a good place to set a firm boundary!
~~~~~~~~~~
Upcoming Holidays
December
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve
January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/2 New Moon
1/6 Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Full Moon
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/17 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 St. Agnes’ Eve
1/31 New Moon
February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/16 Full Moon
2/21 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/25 Walpurgis Day
Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/16 – 1/17 (sundown to sundown) Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat (Jewish celebration of spring)
1/12 Birth of both Rosenberg and Goering, Nazi Leaders in WWII
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/26 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas,
~~~~~~~~~~
You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/ Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
More on Boundaries
What makes learning how to set healthy boundaries so difficult for survivors?
In words of one syllable – Extreme childhood trauma. Torture in childhood. Lousy parenting. No role models. I could go on, but I don’t need to. You know all this.
Plus which, there are obstacles in the present as well. Healing, itself, is stressful! And stress makes it hard to concentrate on setting boundaries. You may have left the cult successfully but find yourself without money or other resources. You may be surrounded by others who have not had a chance to learn about healthy boundaries. If this is the case, you may find it is helpful to check out ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families) It’s a Twelve-Step program for people from all sorts of dysfunctional families. You will find they are working on issues very similar to yours, even though they are not RA survivors.
I remember meeting people in my teens who were loving to their children, communicated clearly, respected their children’s autonomy, and accepted them as they were. I was stunned. I watched quietly, soaking in new ideas about how life could be and how I could be in the world. I did not have to be like my parents. I could copy these people and trust that, in time, it would become natural to act like them, not like the adults in my past. That’s the joy of having role models. You can have them at any age – you just have to find them!
Even if you have set a nice clear boundary, it’s hard to keep track of it when you are having flashbacks and are primed to react to situations as you did as a child. Automatically, you fall back into the old, familiar way of doing things. That’s because the energy needed to remember the new way is directed back into the past. It’s okay. These things happen to all of us. When you have dealt with the flashback, you will once again be able to focus on the present.
Communication
You can have a clear idea of what you want a boundary to be, but that’s pretty useless unless others know about it. Not everybody needs to know, of course. The postman has no need to know that you aren’t going to work on weekends, for example. It should be pretty easy to figure out who should know and who would be puzzled.
What do I mean by clear? For years I would start with something like this. “Um, er…I was just thinking the other day. Maybe it might be a good idea to try – just as an experiment, you know….” Not any more! Now it is more like, “I have decided that….” You have a RIGHT to have self-protective boundaries. You even have a RIGHT to change your mind! And remember that you are under no obligation to give reasons unless you want to.
Remember that it is harder to take something away than it is to give it. This means that when you initially set a boundary, the other person may accept it immediately. If you are pulling back, the other person may be hurt, angry, or disappointed. It takes some of the sting out of the perceived rejection if you can honestly say, “This isn’t personal. I am telling everybody that I am making this change.” It also helps if you have a good reason that you are willing to share, like poor health or a new time-consuming job. It also helps if you offer something that the other person might like without breaking your boundary.
Take a moment to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Rehearse it to yourself and run it by a friend, if you can, who is pretty good at setting and keeping boundaries. Ideally, you will come across as relaxed and confident. That can be hard if you are feeling anxious and guilty!
I have found that having clear, consistent boundaries makes my life simpler. I no longer have to consider the pros and cons of each decision – the boundary I have set determines the answer. Kids have to go to bed at a certain time on school nights but can stay up an hour later on Fridays and Saturdays. I will not eat potato chips except at parties. I can’t make pies for the bake sale, but I can contribute some nice store-bought cookies.
An aside – I am having a terrible time setting consistent boundaries around COVID. Not my fault – the risks keep changing, and I am always scrambling to catch up. It would be much easier if I chose to be 100% risk-free, holed up day after day in my own safe apartment, or if I chose to be a daredevil and do as many of the things I used to do as possible without regard to the consequences. For me, though, the sensible choice is somewhere in the middle – but where? And the middle keeps shifting with each new variant of the virus and with each study I read. I think I would be better off if I read less – maybe that’s a good place to set a firm boundary.
An aside to the aside – I read an article in Esquire on Janelle Monae. She joked, “I am a Quaranteenager.” Me, I am a Quarantine Ager.
~~~~~~~~~~
Upcoming Holidays
December
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve
January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/2 New Moon
1/6 Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Full Moon
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/17 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 St. Agnes’ Eve
1/31 New Moon
February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/16 Full Moon
2/21 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/25 Walpurgis Day
Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/16 – 1/17 (sundown to sundown) Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat (Jewish celebration of spring)
1/12 Birth of both Rosenberg and Goering, Nazi Leaders in WWII
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/26 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)
~~~~~~~~~~
You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/ Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Ritual Abuse 