A Beltane Re-Birth Memory

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* A reader wants to know if anybody else was married to the beast. You can post it under “Feast of the Beast” or here if you prefer.
* Also, does anybody know how to get through a flashback when you have been stuck in it for months?
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A Beltane Re-Birth Memory

I was going to write about Walpurgisnacht, but when I started to research it, everything sounded familiar. That’s because I wrote about it last year. You can read about it at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/

I found I couldn’t think of anything else to write about. I couldn’t focus: my brain wandered from one thing to the next. When I asked myself why, the answer was “because of Beltane.” Then I could focus again.

I told you-all that a memory was trying to surface. It made it! It is of an initiation ritual, being “born again” into Satanism at the age of four.

At Beltane that year, I was in a clearing in the woods at my grandfather’s country home in the Adirondacks. The carcass of a deer was brought in and I was shoved, naked, into the cavity. It was loosely sewn up so that I could breathe, the requisite words were spoken or chanted in unison, and then they started pushing me forwards by pressing on the deer skin. I came out, head first, born into the world of evil around me. I was then officially old enough to attend rituals.

I don’t remember what happened next. I do have a body memory of pressure around the top of my head, pressure from the deer skin. I may get more of the memory when that pressure passes.

I believe this is not a Beltane ritual at all, but one that is supposed to occur on the equinox. Beltane is about sex and conception, not birth, and the equinox is when lambs and calves are born. But since I lived in New York City, it was difficult, to say the least, to obtain a whole cow or a whole deer. My “birth” was therefore postponed until somebody could go shoot a female deer.

My mind wandered and I imagined transporting a cow carcass through the streets of New York. Too big to shove into a taxi, so they must have used a truck. Certainly it wasn’t delivered during the day, but there are still enough people around at night that somebody might have seen that. The city that never sleeps!

What explanation could they possibly have given? At least with a deer they could say they were taking it to a taxidermist and it was being prepared for the Museum of Natural History. Then they wouldn’t have to sneak around at night – unless the ritual called for a midnight delivery.

The cult I was born into was stingy and not  very imaginative. They wouldn’t have been happy shelling out money for a deer and trucking it into the city, all for a ritual for a measly four year old. And they didn’t like to take risks, either. So it would have been more expedient to postpone the ritual until May.

When I am half into a memory, I get to Googling things. I learned that the deer season in New York from 1940 to 1942 was November 1 – 30 and the limit was one antlered (male) animal per licensed hunter. And I learned that the Egyptian Book of the Dead, Alison Miller, Valerie Sinason, and Walter Bowart all mention this ritual but none discuss it at length. Also that daffodils bloom in mid May in the Adirondacks but there is much variation depending on when the snow fall melts and the ground warms. I Googled this because I have a photo of myself picking daffodils that year.

Okay, I feel a little better now that I have that information. I feel that I “always knew” that had happened to me. Certainly I have known about that birth-into-evil- ritual for decades and it is unlikely I read about it, since I have never read the Book of the Dead and neither Bowart, Sinason, nor Miller had written about it by the early ’90’s.

I wish I could trust that “always knew” feeling, or at least notice when I seem to know something that others don’t. Sometimes I trust it, other times I don’t. This time I didn’t even notice it for over twenty years. I hate to think what else I haven’t noticed…and how long it will take me to remember.

 

Upcoming Holidays
April
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
June
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

 

 

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The August 21 Solar Eclipse

August 
8/21 Total solar eclipse: totality visible in parts of Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, and South Carolina; partially visible in other parts of the United States, Canada, Central America, northern South America, western Europe, and western Africa.
September
9/4 S Labor Day
9/6 Full Moon
9/5 – 9/7 Marriage to the Beast (Satan)
9/7 Feast of the Beast
9/20 – 9/21 Midnight Host
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas (?)
October
10/5 Full Moon
10/13 Backwards Halloween
10/13 Friday the Thirteenth
10/22 – 10/29 Preparation for All Hallows’ Eve
1
0/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallows Eve/
Important dates in Nazi groups
9/1 Start of WW2
9/17 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday
10/16 N Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
.

The August 21 Solar Eclipse

I’ve been trying all week to research the way people have interpreted solar eclipses throughout the ages in the hopes of coming across some thing that might explain the way cults observe them. I am totally sure that they are a big deal in cults because they are rare and tap into the meaning of the dichotomy of dark/light, astrology, and, in all probability, numerology as well.

However, I have come up with very little. Perhaps my research skills are fading. Perhaps I am hindered by my ignorance of astrology and numerology. Whatever the reason, I am quite frustrated.

I can certainly imagine little children being told that the sun is going out and everything on earth will die and that it is all their fault. At totality, or near totality if the rite occurs where the eclipse is partial, I can imagine the children being told that they can save the sun by … what? Pledging loyalty and total obedience to the cult? Doing something horrific, something worse than they have ever been told to do, worse than anything they have ever seen, worse than anything they have ever heard spoken of? Or both these things, with torture added?

I can’t get any further than this, because I don’t have memories of an eclipse occurring when I was little, so I have nothing draw on. I also can’t find anything on the Internet that makes me go, “Aha! That fits!” I will, however, share three things that sound like they could be part of the historical background of some cult practices.

First, a solar eclipse is often interpreted as a portent of bad things to come. The death of kings or other important people was often feared. This is pretty broad and easy to adapt to any number of situations.

Second, there is an explanation of solar eclipses that may influence some present-day Scandinavian or Germanic cults. The Vikings believed that a huge giantess lived in the woods and had many sons, all of whom were wolves. Each day, the most powerful one, Skoll, chased the terrified sun across the sky. He ran so fast that he finally caught her and took a great big bite out of her, causing an eclipse. The Norse people made as much noise as possible and Skoll got scared and let the sun go.

An old poem called “Sibyl’s Vision” says,
“He is gorged with the flesh of the death-doomed
and with red blood he reddens
the swellings of the gods;
sunlight of summers to come
will be black
and all weathers bad”

(This is from page 39 of “Tales from Norse Mythology” by the Icelandic author Snorri Sturluson.)

The third topic is very interesting and has a Christian provenance. This information comes from Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crucifixion_darkness)

In the Gospels according to Mark, Matthew, and Luke, the sky is described as becoming dark during the day on which Jesus was crucified.

The Gospel of Mark states that Jesus was crucified at nine in the morning and “darkness fell over all the land” from noon until three in the afternoon.

The Gospel of Matthew states: “From noon on, darkness came over the whole land [or, earth] until three in the afternoon.” He also describes an earthquake. “The earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened, and many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised.”

The Gospel of Luke says that the sun was obscured, causing the darkness. “It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land [or, earth] until three in the afternoon, while the sun’s light failed [or, the sun was eclipsed]” The wording was later changed to “the sun was darkened.”

Of course, if the sun was eclipsed, it was a miracle, and not only because totality lasted three hours. Passover, the day of the Last Supper, always occurs on a full moon, and a solar eclipse always takes place on a new moon. If the darkness was caused by heavy cloud cover or a dust storm, it still could be interpreted as a sign of the coming death of a powerful person.

I do not know if Jesus’ crucifixion has been incorporated in cult rites of solar eclipses. I have heard of crucifixions being performed at Easter, but not at any other time. Of course, just because I don’t know something doesn’t means it doesn’t exist.

If any of you have information, or have memories, of what is done during a solar eclipse, it would be wonderful if you could share them. Thanks so much!

 

Do You Consult the Ritual Calendar?

Up-Coming Holidays
5/1  Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe  
7/4  Fourth of July/US Independence Day
7/8  Full Moon
 
87/14  Bastille Day?
 
7/24  Pioneer Day (Mormon)? 

7/25  St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God 
8/1 S N Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/7 S Full Moon
8/7 S Partial lunar eclipse: visible in most of Europe, most of Asia, Australia, Africa, and eastern South America.
8/21 S New Moon
8/21 S Total solar eclipse: totality visible in parts of the United States; partially visible in the United States, Canada, Central America, northern South America, western Europe, and western Africa.
Important dates in Nazi groups
4/30  Anniversary of Hitler’s death
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

 

For everybody who is having a horrible time, please remember that Beltane will be over very soon. Pain always feels eternal, but it is not. You will live through it, not in it.

 

For the first five or ten years after I realized I had been raised in a Satanic cult, it seemed like I was surrounded by ritual abuse survivors. There were Twelve-Step meetings, conferences, mailing parties, poetry readings, all sorts of things. Now, of course, much less is going on and when I am with other survivors, it is mostly on the Internet.

More than once we discussed whether we read the ritual calendar or not. The calendar was designed for those that did read it: there was no question of not compiling and publishing it. In those days the calendar consisted of the eight pagan sabbaths, Christian dates, Jewish dates, dates from antiquity, and astrological events. Now I have confined it to pagan, Christian, Nazi and astrological events. The others dates are listed separately after the main calendar for clarity.

Some people were afraid that if they looked at the calendar they would react to everything on it and be totally overwhelmed with anxiety. That was one reason I listed some dates separately. (The other was that the more entries on the calendar, the more mistakes I made. One year I had a month with three full moons!)

Some were afraid that if they knew that a certain day was a ritual holiday, they would react to it even if their group didn’t celebrate it. These people also avoided reading books about ritual abuse and were reluctant to hear of other survivors’ experiences. They were afraid information would be contagious and contaminate the memory of their experiences.

Others used the calendar to find out if a particularly difficult day had been a ritual holiday. If yes, bingo! if no, then they had to figure out another explanation. They didn’t worry about contagion because they were checking the calendar after the fact.

Then there were people who looked at the calendar  so that they could prepare for hard days. They trusted their instincts and weren’t concerned about contagion. If their mind offered feelings of fear and pain and guilt, then they know from their strong reaction that they had been abused on that day. They had a chance to prepare themselves, to brace themselves for flashbacks.  If they could, they stayed home and provided comfort food, their journal, crayons, a warm blanket, favorite teas. It was still hard, but these soothing objects were a reminder that it was not happening now and that they had gotten through the day many times and would be able do it one again.

There is no right or wrong way to use the calendar. Choose what feels right to you at the time. You can always change your mind. The calendar is just a tool you can use whenever you think it might be helpful.

By the way, I fall into the last category. I check it every month so that I can take extra good care of myself on horrible days.

But I have a problem using this wonderful tool. Even if I check it, I keep forgetting there is a holiday coming up! Right now I am aware that Beltane is just around the corner. But if I turn my attention to something else, it slips right out of my awareness.

Oh well, it’s not the only elusive thing in my life. I have learned to put it on my to-do list, which I check several times a day.

 

I have a favor to ask. I have a lot of trouble updating the calendar  every year and I hate to make mistakes. I also have done it for over fifteen years and am sort of tired of it.

Would anybody like to uptake it for 2018? I would tell you how to do it and I would proof read it for you. If this is too much, would anybody like to proof read it? Or several people? If you can only compile or proof part of it, that would still be a great help to me.