Finding Safety in These Chaotic Times

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween {personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/

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I wrote about safety back in 2015. The focus was on protecting yourself from attacks by the cult. Here are the entries:

Safety on the Inside: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/12/20/safety-on-the-inside/
This entry also talks about creating inner safety. If the Abuse is Ongoing: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/30/if-the-abuse-is-ongoing/
Safety Issues: Email: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/12/10/safety-issues-email/
Safety Issues: Cars: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/11/10/safety-issues-cars/
Safety Issues: Documentation: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/09/20/safety-issues-documentation/
Personal Safety – Your Home: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/10/10/personal-safety-your-home/

Not much of what I wrote five years ago is outdated, except that the Minnesota Police Department’s site isn’t nearly as useful. The information I offered in 2015 is still valid, but the coronavirus has changed our circumstances a lot. We can’t count on keeping our jobs, staying healthy, having decent medical insurance if we do get sick, or seeing our friends again any time soon. The outside world looks pretty shaky and unpredictable.

We can’t count on finding safety outside ourselves, not that we ever really could. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot thee days, and I feel that safety is created inside me. I look at the situation, assess it as best I can, and plot my course. Safety comes from trusting my own judgment. The “me” that is me is solid, smart, loyal, moral, kind. In a word, trustworthy.

 Basically, I think that all steps toward safety begin on the inside, no matter what the outside conditions. I come back to the time when I started to try and leave the cult and my family because I had few skills at that age, and I had not tested myself. I did not know whether I would crumble or forge ahead despite setbacks.

I had to be able to conceptualize safety and to imagine that some people lead a life where they are not hurt by others, either physically or emotionally. Then I had to make the jump to… “I deserve to live that way. I want to live that way. It may be possible for me to get to live that way.”

This presumes that I had some way of learning about the world outside of my family and abusers. If you have never heard of France, you cannot imagine learning to speak French or visiting France. It isn’t even a word in your vocabulary.

I did know people who treated me well. They snuck in under my abusers’ radar and gave me a glimpse of other possibilities. I had a nanny until I was four who I loved dearly. She was kind and did not change into an evil person. A couple of teachers at school liked me. When I learned to read, I was fascinated by other people’s lives, real or made-up. I remember many long hours daydreaming that, like Mogli, I was raised by a wolf pack. Unlike Mogli, I did not return to my own kind. 

The seed of safety and freedom had been planted, and nobody could take it away from me. I knew what I wanted; the only question was, can I get it? And how?

It’s tempting to believe that all the barriers to getting what you want are external. I couldn’t wait to be twenty-one when I would be legally free of my parents and could do what I wanted. I thought my ideal life would start when I stopped interacting with them. Looking back, being unrealistic about how easy it would be to lead a new, independent life was a huge gift. It gave me hope, and the hope kept me alive.

Back then, I didn’t know was that getting away is a process, not an event. There was no one moment when I was free. I tried to get out but was pulled back by threats, guilt-trips, or post-hypnotic suggestions. (I like to call programming post-hypnotic suggestion – it sounds much less formidable.) I did not know when I was finally free, any more than I knew that the last time I tried to stop smoking was truly the last, that it wasn’t going to be another failed attempt. 

In healthy families, parents prepare their children to live independently. They teach them how to do laundry, how to manage finances, how to make friends. They let them practice leaving home in age-appropriate ways. First, it is a play date, then a sleepover. If children can leave, knowing they will come back to safe, loving parents, they naturally pick up life skills. But I had no safety to return to, and my parents had little interest in teaching me how to get along without them. Why would they want to relinquish control over their children, when their whole lives were centered around power and control?

So when I did make the break, I had lots and lots of stuff to learn. I entered college not knowing how to do laundry, and my cooking consisted of Jello and instant coffee. I had not been allowed to work and, without my own money, I could not buy my own clothes. I was an awkward, badly dressed outsider with zero social skills. I did not get my first job until I was twenty.

But I had that dream, and I kept on learning the things my parents should have taught me years before. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but I learned a lot as I went along and, more important, I never gain up for very long.

I never made a complete break from my parents. We were very distant, which I think suited them as much as it suited me. They did not control me, and I gave them very little thought because I was just too busy with my shiny new life. It took their deaths to make the separation complete.

All those years devoted to creating safety and freedom and – do I dare say it? – happiness have made me trust myself to do it once again. Yes, I feel under house arrest. Yes, it gives me flashbacks at times. Yes, I have cabin fever to the max. And yes, I am scared to go out now. 

But I know, if I can escape a Satanic cult, I can handle this. t I am choosing to stay home and protect myself. I feel in control. I am not in control of the pandemic and the devastation it is causing, and I am not in control of my reactions to the situation, but I am in control of my behavior and my intent. 

And so, cooped up in my apartment, I am safe and free.

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Upcoming Holidays

July
7/4 Independence Day
7/4 Full moon
7/4-5 Penumbral lunar eclipse. The moon will turn a shade darker during the maximum phase, visible in North and South America, and Africa. Most penumbral lunar eclipses cannot easily be distinguished from a usual full moon. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-july-5
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/3 Full moon
8/15 Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

September
9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/30 Tisha B’Av (Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)

School Shootings

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”


* If you are concerned about being tracked through your search engine, here is one that, unlike even duckduckgo.com, is encrypted https://www.searchencrypt.com/.

There are some topics that I never feel ready to write about but are always in the back of my mind. This is one of them. I still am not ready, but I’m doing it anyway.

There are many reasons why am I not ready. I’m too upset to spend all the time it takes to write a post that stirs up such intense feelings. It feels like an invitation for several nights of dreaming about the topic. I don’t know enough about it to say anything interesting. It has nothing to do with ritual abuse. I just plain don’t want to, not today.

Anyway…

When I was in grade school, we had fire drills and also air raid drills. (This was during Word War Two.) We had to hide under our desks, which, even in second grade, seemed pretty useless to me. Surely, if a bomb came through the roof, it would come through our desks, too. I was too busy thinking how dumb it was to be scared.

At night, the whole city was blacked out. No street lights, no headlights, and heavy black shades throughout the city were taped to the wall so that no light could get through the windows. My mother went out with flashcards to identify planes – were they ours or theirs? I’m not sure what she could have done if it were one of theirs, except scream. She felt useful, while I lay in bed terrified. To this day I like at least some light to come into my bedroom and I getting anxious when planes fly overhead, especially if they are low.

Today schools have lockdown drills and active shooter drills as well as fire drills. In lockdown drills the school doors are locked, the classroom doors locked, the blinds all pulled, and the kids hide in a closet or other sheltered place and stay silent for the duration of the drill, which can be up to ten minutes. I think this happens all across the country, in all grades. Active shooter drills vary more: some are lockdowns, except the school itself remains open for SWAT teams and first responders. Some have all or some of the kids evacuate, sometimes with instructions to bring thing to throw at the shooter if they can.

These drills really scare students. They don’t know whether it is real or a drill. And it reminds them, just as vividly as TV coverage, that the adults no longer consider schools safe. One woman recently told me that her daughter said she wasn’t going to college. “What’s the point? I’ll just get shot.” It’s an ever-present possibility in their minds.

It really upsets me that the kids feel so endangered. They feel helpless in the face of attack, and they feel their teachers and parents are helpless, too. There is no one person or group that they can direct their fear toward – the attacker could be anybody, even somebody they know. And when anybody can be the attacker, everybody is feared.

And then there are the shootings in churches. And clubs and malls and offices. Trucks being driven into groups of pedestrians. Car bombs and bombs in backpacks. The world certainly is dangerous in a way it wasn’t when I was a child.

Of course there are parts of the world where this kind of attack is a normal everyday occurrence. Parts of our country, too, where there are gang wars and drug deals gone bad. And so many parts of the world where violence is far, far worse, and is accompanied by rape, torture, murder, burning of villages and cities, disease, and famine. In comparison, most of us are living in a bubble of safety.

Few people, though, believe they live in a safe place. They see the increase in mass shootings and their sense of safety is shattered. They don’t know how to handle it, and they don’t know what to say when their kids ask questions like,

“Why do the bad guys want to shoot little kids?” Actually, the only honest answer I have for that question is, “I don’t know.”

I believe that none of this, or very little, has anything to do with cults. For one thing, there is no money in it. Cults like money and so have better things to do, like traffic kids, make hard-core porn, run guns, or sell drugs. Cults are not responsible for every bad thing that happens in the world, even though they brag to the kids that all these things are their doing. They have no monopoly on evil – there is plenty to go around, unfortunately.

I have a double dose of fear and confusion. Part is caused by the events that are happening today, and my emotions are appropriate and warranted. Part is a resurgence of feelings about threats they made to me as a kid and things I saw or experienced, both in the ordinary world and the cult world. At least I know that I am triggered and I can sort out how much is from the past and how much from the present. And at least I know that the chances of being shot or having somebody I know be shot are very slim.

But I am still frightened and confused, and that sucks.

 

Upcoming Holidays

July
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
7/27 Full Moon
August
8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/26 Full moon
September
9/3 Labor Day
9/5 – 9/7 Marriage to the Beast (Satan)
9/7 Feast of the Beast
9/22 Fall Equinox

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 N Start of WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons

Upcoming Holidays
July

7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

7/27 Full Moon

August

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh

8/26 Full moon

September

9/3 Labor Day

9/5 – 9/7 Marriage to the Beast (Satan)

9/7 Feast of the Beast

9/22 Fall Equinox

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups

9/1 N Start of WW2

(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

Surrounded by Guardian Fairies

October
10/13 Backwards Halloween

10/13 Friday the Thirteenth

10/22 – 10/29 Preparation for All Hallows’ Eve

10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallows Eve
There are two previous posts on Halloween:
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/  
November
11/S Full Moon

11/3 Satanic Revels

11/23 Thanksgiving
December
12/3 Full Moon  
12/21 St. Thomas’ Day/Fire Festival 
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/24 Christmas Eve/Satanic and demon revels/Da Meur/Grand High Climax
12/15 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve

Important dates in Nazi groups
11/9 Kristallnacht

11/11 Veteran’s Day: Armistice, 1918

 

Surrounded by Guardian Fairies

Years ago, a colleague of mine was moving to the country from the city. She said, “Jean, I have a Parking Fairy. Would you like him?” I jumped at the chance and gladly accepted her offer.

The Parking Fairy has been very good to me all these years. Occasionally he will deny me a space when he disapproves of my plans. This happens, for example, when I am circling a pizza place.

One day, after trying to back carefully out of the garage and just accumulating more paint on my car doors, I sighed and said, “Parking Fairy, I sure wish there was a Driving Fairy.” Then it occurred to me there probably was, and all I had to do was ask the Parking Fairy to introduce me to him. So I did, and he did, and I am very grateful. I think they are relatives, probably brothers, or at the very least, cousins.

I’ve found that fairies can’t read my mind, so I have to talk out loud to them. And of course I or we get to hear what I say, too. I ask him to help me/us drive carefully, alertly, and safely. Also to stay aware of where my car is on the road, where all the other cars are, and that I make sure I know if there are motorcycles or bicycles or pedestrians around. And it is very good to be aware of traffic lights and stop signs and construction and those sorts of things.

I also tell him where I want to go and name all the stop signs, bicycles etc that I see on the way. That way he can tell if my attention is on my driving or if I have drifted off somewhere else. I also ask him every time if it is okay to turn the radio on. Sometimes it is. sometimes it isn’t.

My driving has improved vastly and my anxiety has gone way down now that I know I have a fairy riding shotgun!

I’m quite sure I could use a Walking Fairy. Last year I didn’t fall once, and this year I’ve fallen too many times to count. All the circumstances seem different, so it is hard for me to anticipate when I might fall. I’m not yet sure I have a Walking Fairy, but I can’t see a good reason why the Parking and Driving Fairies would deny me one. So I am starting to timidly talk to him, asking him to help me notice where my feet are and to scan the path I am following so I have some idea of what is coming up. Sorta like driving, come to think of it.

I know this sounds a little weird. Talking to cats or dogs seems normal. Talking out loud to yourself every now and then sounds normal. But talking out loud to fairies? All the time when I am in the car, and all the time when I am standing up or walking? I’ve never met anybody who did that, and I have never read about it, either.

But you know what? I don’t care. I live alone so nobody knows most of the time. When I visit somebody, or somebody visits me, I either talk to them in my mind (which isn’t nearly as effective), or whisper discretely. If I think the person wouldn’t freak out, I talk out loud as usual. I get some weird looks, but so far nobody has wanted to take me to the ER for a psych workup.

It may be unusual, but then I am unusual in a lot of other ways, too. All I can say is that it works for me.