How I Left the Cult/Delta Variant/MindGeek and Pornhub

How I Left the Cult

I don’t understand why I was allowed to leave the cult. As far as I can tell. they thought I was still a member and I thought I wasn’t. Sort of like my parents, who were born Episcopalian (as was I) and just sort of drifted away as the years passed. Their parents had been observant but didn’t make a big fuss when their children gradually stopped going to church.

I was sent to boarding school when I was fifteen, so there were long periods of ritual-free time. That was followed by two years of college, a gap year in Italy, then two more years of college. I got married early in my Senior year and so had a great excuse to come home less and less often. I attended only a couple of rituals my first two years in college and none after I married.

There were two major call-back times which I didn’t recognize because I hadn’t yet remembered anything. One was when I turned 33. All I remember was weeping because Jesus died at that age, and, compared to what he had accomplished, I had done absolutely nothing. A waste of a life. The other was when my father died. Again, I had remembered nothing; later I realized he was asking me to take his place in the cult. I didn’t.

A lot had to do with the dynamics inside the cult. It was a traditional, snobby, group that traced its history back to pre-revolutionary days and then some. Their way was the correct way to do things; everything else was inferior, ignorant, or in poor taste. The old members were dying off and the younger ones either drifted away or left for more exciting Satanic shores. So, year by year, its hold on the few remaining members became weaker and weaker.

I was used in mind control experiments and child pornography as well. The mind control project was shut down by the powers that be above it in the hierarchy. I believed that they lost their funding and that they hoped they would regain it and pick up where they left off with me. Nobody showed any interest in me from that point on.

As for the child pornography part of the abuse … well, at a certain point I was no longer a child. I don’t know what criteria they used to select children to be trafficked as adults and children to be discarded. I’m very glad I was discarded.

Once, when I was deeply depressed, I thought bitterly that I was so worthless that not even the cult wanted me. These days I find that being rejected by the cult is amazingly good fortune! And to be rejected by the mind control people and the pimps as well – who could ask for anything more?

Most survivors don’t have it as easy as I did. Many endure callback after callback after callback plus harassment and punishment for every step away from the cult. I feel terrible for the way they are treated and admire their determination to escape. I cannot give any advice from my personal experience. Occasionally I can see something they cannot because their vision is clouded by fear, but that’s about it. I wish I had more to give.

Others are subjected to what is called “discard programming.” If they are no longer useful to the abusers for one reason or another, they are set up to destroy themselves. Sometimes quickly, by suicide, sometimes slowly by drugs, alcohol, or other kinds of self-destructive behavior. That’s safe for the perpetrators – people will blame the victim and not look further for the cause of their self-destructive behavior.

Sometimes people with discard programming will have an inkling that they are obeying orders and will become rebellious. “So they want me to drink myself to death? Fuck them! I’m going to make a good life for myself.” Sometimes they stumble across something that makes life worth living and motivates them to fight their addictions. Whether the spark is made out of love or anger, the result is the same. They escape.

We cheer them on and welcome them into the world of survivors on the healing path.


The Delta Variant of COVID-19 Is Bad News

I was worried about Delta being a major threat and hoping I was over-reacting. I wasn’t. If anything, I was under-reacting.

It is just as contagious as chickenpox and more so than MERS, SARS, Ebola, the common cold, flu (including the 1918 flu), and smallpox, a CDC report said. This surge is going to be far worse than the others and the states with low vaccination rates are going to be devastated.

Please be extra cautious about protecting yourself and others, whether you are vaccinated or not. (Vaccinated people can get a mild case, never know it, and infect others they come in contact with. They are just as infectious as people who have caught the virus and have never been vaccinated.)

I hope everybody will put aside their need to blame somebody and focus on being kind and caring. For those of you reading who do not wear masks or want to get vaccinated, I think I understand where you are coming from. I hope you can put yourselves in my shoes and imagine where I am coming from. We need to be respectful of each other and remember that our lives are equally precious.


MindGeek/Pornhub/Xtube Developments Are Good News

Here’s update on MindGeek, which is like an octopus with many tentacles. The tentacles are porn companies owned by MindGeek, indirectly, I think, through a network of shell companies. They grab money from all over the ocean and stuff it into the octopus’ mouth.

The octopus is about to lose a big source of money. One of its tentacles, Xtube, is shutting down on September 5. ( This site probably has a large percentage of illegal material, because it allows people to post their own porn and moderation is, shall we say, probably pretty inefficient. Pornhub deleted 80% of the videos on its site — 10 million videos.

The octopus must  be very hungry these days because Visa, Mastercard, Discover, PayPal, and Comcast/Xfinity will have nothing to do with MindGeek anymore. And it must be scared that it’s going to have to spend a lot of the money that it has tucked away in hard-to-find places. It has to hire a lot of expensive lawyers to defend itself against six different lawsuits brought by people who were raped on film for Pornhub’s use, most of whom were children at the time. And if it loses, there goes a lot more money.


Upcoming Holidays


7/23 Full Moon 
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God 
7/27 Grand Climax


8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh 
8/13 Friday the 13th 
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary 
8/22 Full Moon 
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day


9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast 
9/7 Labor Day (United States) 
9/20 Full moon 
9/22 Fall Equinox 
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party 
9/1 Start of WW2 
9/7 Rosh Hashana (Jewish New Year, Day of Judgement) 
9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement) 
9/17 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday 
9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at: 



Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2

Fall Equinox:

Halloween (personal): 

Halloween (background):


Yule/Winter Solstice: 


Valentine’s Day:

Spring Equinox:

Easter: personal: (for background, see Spring Equinox)

Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:


Mothers’ Day:

 Fathers’ Day:

 Summer Solstice (corrected text):


Finding Safety in These Chaotic Times

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2
Fall Equinox
Halloween {personal) (background)
Yule/Winter Solstice
Valentine’s Day
Spring Equinox
Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox)
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:
Mothers’ Day:
Fathers’ Day:
Summer Solstice (corrected text)


I wrote about safety back in 2015. The focus was on protecting yourself from attacks by the cult. Here are the entries:

Safety on the Inside:
This entry also talks about creating inner safety. If the Abuse is Ongoing:
Safety Issues: Email:
Safety Issues: Cars:
Safety Issues: Documentation:
Personal Safety – Your Home:

Not much of what I wrote five years ago is outdated, except that the Minnesota Police Department’s site isn’t nearly as useful. The information I offered in 2015 is still valid, but the coronavirus has changed our circumstances a lot. We can’t count on keeping our jobs, staying healthy, having decent medical insurance if we do get sick, or seeing our friends again any time soon. The outside world looks pretty shaky and unpredictable.

We can’t count on finding safety outside ourselves, not that we ever really could. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot thee days, and I feel that safety is created inside me. I look at the situation, assess it as best I can, and plot my course. Safety comes from trusting my own judgment. The “me” that is me is solid, smart, loyal, moral, kind. In a word, trustworthy.

 Basically, I think that all steps toward safety begin on the inside, no matter what the outside conditions. I come back to the time when I started to try and leave the cult and my family because I had few skills at that age, and I had not tested myself. I did not know whether I would crumble or forge ahead despite setbacks.

I had to be able to conceptualize safety and to imagine that some people lead a life where they are not hurt by others, either physically or emotionally. Then I had to make the jump to… “I deserve to live that way. I want to live that way. It may be possible for me to get to live that way.”

This presumes that I had some way of learning about the world outside of my family and abusers. If you have never heard of France, you cannot imagine learning to speak French or visiting France. It isn’t even a word in your vocabulary.

I did know people who treated me well. They snuck in under my abusers’ radar and gave me a glimpse of other possibilities. I had a nanny until I was four who I loved dearly. She was kind and did not change into an evil person. A couple of teachers at school liked me. When I learned to read, I was fascinated by other people’s lives, real or made-up. I remember many long hours daydreaming that, like Mogli, I was raised by a wolf pack. Unlike Mogli, I did not return to my own kind. 

The seed of safety and freedom had been planted, and nobody could take it away from me. I knew what I wanted; the only question was, can I get it? And how?

It’s tempting to believe that all the barriers to getting what you want are external. I couldn’t wait to be twenty-one when I would be legally free of my parents and could do what I wanted. I thought my ideal life would start when I stopped interacting with them. Looking back, being unrealistic about how easy it would be to lead a new, independent life was a huge gift. It gave me hope, and the hope kept me alive.

Back then, I didn’t know was that getting away is a process, not an event. There was no one moment when I was free. I tried to get out but was pulled back by threats, guilt-trips, or post-hypnotic suggestions. (I like to call programming post-hypnotic suggestion – it sounds much less formidable.) I did not know when I was finally free, any more than I knew that the last time I tried to stop smoking was truly the last, that it wasn’t going to be another failed attempt. 

In healthy families, parents prepare their children to live independently. They teach them how to do laundry, how to manage finances, how to make friends. They let them practice leaving home in age-appropriate ways. First, it is a play date, then a sleepover. If children can leave, knowing they will come back to safe, loving parents, they naturally pick up life skills. But I had no safety to return to, and my parents had little interest in teaching me how to get along without them. Why would they want to relinquish control over their children, when their whole lives were centered around power and control?

So when I did make the break, I had lots and lots of stuff to learn. I entered college not knowing how to do laundry, and my cooking consisted of Jello and instant coffee. I had not been allowed to work and, without my own money, I could not buy my own clothes. I was an awkward, badly dressed outsider with zero social skills. I did not get my first job until I was twenty.

But I had that dream, and I kept on learning the things my parents should have taught me years before. It wasn’t smooth sailing, but I learned a lot as I went along and, more important, I never gain up for very long.

I never made a complete break from my parents. We were very distant, which I think suited them as much as it suited me. They did not control me, and I gave them very little thought because I was just too busy with my shiny new life. It took their deaths to make the separation complete.

All those years devoted to creating safety and freedom and – do I dare say it? – happiness have made me trust myself to do it once again. Yes, I feel under house arrest. Yes, it gives me flashbacks at times. Yes, I have cabin fever to the max. And yes, I am scared to go out now. 

But I know, if I can escape a Satanic cult, I can handle this. t I am choosing to stay home and protect myself. I feel in control. I am not in control of the pandemic and the devastation it is causing, and I am not in control of my reactions to the situation, but I am in control of my behavior and my intent. 

And so, cooped up in my apartment, I am safe and free.


Upcoming Holidays

7/4 Independence Day
7/4 Full moon
7/4-5 Penumbral lunar eclipse. The moon will turn a shade darker during the maximum phase, visible in North and South America, and Africa. Most penumbral lunar eclipses cannot easily be distinguished from a usual full moon. See
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/3 Full moon
8/15 Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day

9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/30 Tisha B’Av (Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)

Out from the Cult

Upcoming Holidays
5/29 Memorial Day
6/9 Full Moon 
6/18  Fathers’ Day 

6/20  Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23  St John’s Eve
7/4  Fourth of July/US Independence Day
7/8  Full Moon
7/25  St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God
8/1 N Lamas/Lughnasadh
8/7  Full Moon
8/7  Partial lunar eclipse: visible in most of Europe, most of Asia, Australia, Africa, and eastern South America.
8/21 Total solar eclipse: totality visible in parts of Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Nebraska Iowa,  Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina, and South Carolina; partially visible in other parts of the United States, Canada, Central America, northern South America, western Europe, and western Africa.
Important dates in Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party


born into a neon winter
garish and harsh
colors so bright they flamed
no closing my eyes
nothing to suck
only burning neon flames

grown in a cold cold winter
grey and silent
no movement
no comfort
only me, alone

then oh!
on the horizon
sunflowers, rivers. green hills, sun and sand, soaring gulls, deer,
rabbits, suburbs and suburbs of warm homes, laughter, dancing,
song, beds and food and drink
a plentitude, a plentitude

It was a long road, but I got here.