Fantasies of Killing People

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I was pretty sure that my last post on school shootings would bring up a lot. I was right. First I had a few nights with pretty bad dreams. Then things started to bubble to the surface during the day.

The first thing that came up was remembering sitting in the back seat of the car as my father took us on a road trip, eight hours a days for two days. It was pretty boring. I amused myself by pretending I had a rifle and shooting each adult we passed. I had to be really alert, as most of our driving was through countryside and I didn’t want to miss a single one. I never shot kids or animals, though. Or windows of houses we passed, either. Just men or women spotted along the road.

When I was older, through my teens and twenties, I would imagine killing somebody at random and covering my tracks so I would not be discovered. Again, never a child or an animal. (It’s not as easy to figure out how not to be caught in these days of surveillance cameras and DNA analysis.)

I felt no guilt or shame about these fantasies st the time, and I felt no anger, either. I did feel pride at my skill at killing and at never being discovered. I felt no pull to act on my fantasy; I just wanted to float in a daydream of killing people. These are my feelings, or lack of them, today, too. I feel no desire to have those fantasies again except perhaps to get more information about what was going on in my head back then.

I told my therapist all this, and she sat up straighter and said, “I have heard that before from other survivors.” The targets were always adults and sometimes her clients fantasizing felt anger at what adults had done to her as a child. Sometimes the anger was split off, as it was, apparently, with me. It made total sense, but, so far nobody has shared fantasies like this with me, so I felt it was just me being peculiar.

I have heard fantasies from adult male survivors of coming across a man hurting a child and either killing him, beating him up, or getting him arrested. These fantasies seem to be an escape valve for their anger and a way of compensating for their childhood helplessness. I didn’t make the connection with my fantasies because their violence had an easily identified motive, to protect an innocent child. Mine had no conscious motive. I had a mild interest in what these fantasies were all about but it wasn’t strong enough for me to start digging for meaning.

When I first remembered, I was bathed in guilt for not having suicided instead of hurting another child. I knew that child would just be hurt by somebody else but at least they couldn’t force ME to do it. And yet in reality they could, and I did. So during that period I had many, many fantasies of suiciding as a child. My favorite was coming into a ritual with dynamite, or having hidden dynamite at the site beforehand, and setting it off, taking all the adults out along with me. I made sure that the kids hadn’t been brought to the scene yet and so they all managed to live.

I took a break from writing this and played with the cats, letting one of them type. He said, “w34rer4,” for what it’s worth. But the writing spell was broken. Now I wonder why anybody would be interested in this – surely all of you have parts that are furious at what was done to them and want revenge on their abusers. Surely all of you have had vivid fantasies of revenge and connected the dots year ago.

You’re probably a bit bewildered as to why I am figuring it out this late in life and why it all seems bright and new and important. But that’s the way it goes for me. There are so many childhood mysteries and not all of them are fully understood, even if they are remembered.

Upcoming Holidays


August

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh

8/26 Full moon

September

9/5 Labor Day

9/5 – 9/7 Marriage to the Beast (Satan)

9/7 Feast of the Beast

9/22 Fall Equinox
9/24 Full Moon
October

10/13 Backwards Halloween

10/24 Full Moon

10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve/ Hallomas/ All Souls Day/Start of the Celtic new year.
November

11/1 All Saints’ Day

11/22 US Thanksgiving

11/23 Full Moon
December

12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice

12/22 Full Moon

12/24 Christmas Eve

12/25 Christmas Day

12/31 New Year’s Eve

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups

9/1 N Start of WW2
10/12 Hitler’s half birthday
10/15 Death of Goering

10/16 Death of Rosenburg
11/9 Kristallnacht

(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

Another Chorus in My Life’s Song

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* I’m looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting to contribute to an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused in this way, could you spread the word? Tell all your survivor friends and any therapists or pastors you know who work with survivors about the project and ask them to tell others about it, too. They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

* Satanic and Neo-Nazi holidays in April, May, and June are at the bottom of this post.

Sounds better than “Old Tapes” doesn’t it?

That line came to me as I was trying to go to sleep the other night. I was lying in bed thinking of all the clueless and stupid things I had done or said over the years. Of course every time you think of something you strengthen the memory, and then it is easier to think of it again. “Don’t think of a purple rhinoceros or what you said to Jane in seventh grade.” Guess what you are immediately going to think of?

So the sensible thing would have been to think of something else.

I, being a sensible person at heart, tried telling myself to think of something pleasant. Like…. But I couldn’t think of anything pleasant. Then I was off and running again, thinking how dumb it was that I couldn’t think of a single pleasant thing even though I knew there were plenty of pleasant things in my life, past and present. Also plenty of pleasant things to think of that weren’t part of my life, like….. Nothing came to mind. Total dead end.

Bitterly, I thought, “Just another chorus in my life’s song.” And that broke the spell! I fell asleep thinking of verses to go with that chorus. And, when you come right down to it, it is pleasant to create a song, even if you don’t remember it the next day.

The phrase itself isn’t either pleasant or unpleasant. It isn’t judgmental or critical or a phony affirmation that makes me feel dishonest and shallow. Can’t tell if it is either true or false. No value judgement in it.

The next day, when I was rested and thinking more clearly, I realized I had given a name to the process I was going through. That’s akin to a meditation technique I used to use a lot. When a thought came unbidden to mind, I would say, “thought” and turn my attention back to breathing and silently saying my mantra of the day. Same thing with emotions or sensations – I just gave them a name and redirected my attention. They floated away and dissipated like wispy clouds.

Once, when I was highly suicidal, I did sensible things like give my best friend all my kitchen knives to hold for me and promised to talk to him before making an attempt. It wasn’t enough, though, and I still had to fight the urges several times an hour.

So I started saying, “programing” to myself any time I thought of ways to off myself. The urges became less frequent and less intense, and after about three days they had gone completely. I was very aware of how often I said “programing” and appalled at how wracked I was with thought of killing or maiming myself. It was easier to remember the name of the process than the content of the program that had been kicked up. I was emotionally exhausted at the end, but felt clean and peaceful.

Naming the process is, for me, a powerful tool in handling any situation. Just wish I could remember to use it more often!

 

Upcoming Holidays

April
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects)
4/29 Full Moon
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
  
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
June
6/17 Fathers’ Day

6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. His alternate birthday is 4/1 this year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

Never Bad Enough

I’m moving the list of holidays to the end of my posts, because I feel it gets too much emphasis if it is at the beginning. If I received complaints, I’ll reconsider.

 

On the first of January of this year, I wrote a post called “Never Good Enough.” I promised I would write about its evil twin, “Never Bad Enough.” So here we go!

The Oxford English Living Dictionary defines evil as “profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity, especially when regarded as a supernatural force.”

Applying this definition to the goings-on in my cult, my first thought was, “Now who in the world would want another person to be evil?” “And what is evil enough, anyway?” I’m still very naive! Or at least part of me is.

I was raised a Satanist, and we believed that “Satan is the God of Evil.” Human evil is a gift to him, a way of worshiping him, and it pleases him immensely. The absence of evil enrages him and wishy-washy evil infuriates him. When he is pleased by a substantial gift, he rewards the person who gave that gift with material riches and power.

Most parents prefer their children to grow up and be well off, or at least comfortable, in life. They are proud if they are respected, honored, and looked up to. All of these attributes are indicative of power. In that respect, Satanist parents are no different from other parents. In most other senses, they are night-and-day different. Other parents do not think they are doing their children a favor by torturing them.

Now I was raised a good little Satanist, taught to believe that I could please the God of Evil by being as bad as possible and thus grow up to have lots of money, respect, and power.

But just as there are some Christian kids who, deep down, are bored by being good and crave risk and excitement and danger, there are some Satanist kids who, deep down, hate being mean or hurting others. By nature, they are disgusted by destruction and sadism. It’s like they have an innate craving for peace and love and beauty.

Of course these kids don’t shine at learning how to be Satanists. When told to do something, they are slow and sloppy and have to repeat the lesson over and over. They feel like a failure because they are never bad enough. That was me.

Actually, it’s a double bind. If the kids don’t get it right away, they have to repeat it until they are bad enough to satisfy their teachers. If they do it right the first time, they are promoted into having to do something worse. One way or another, they are going to be forced to do evil things, over and over and over.

Yearning to be kind, yet forced to commit cruel acts, my guilt and sense of responsibility for those acts defined me. When I was in the cult, I felt I did not belong, because I was good at the core and therefore could never be bad enough to be a Satanist. When I was free, I felt I did not belong because I was evil at the core and the bad things I did could not be undone or atoned for, no matter how good I was.

Strange paradox, never bad enough to be a Satanist, yet always too bad to be anything else.

 

Upcoming Holidays
February

2/25 Walpurgis Day
March

3/1 Full Moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/30 Good Friday/Death of Jesus Christ
3/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)
April
4/1 Easter Sunday
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Full Moon
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects}
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/1 Hitler’s alternate birthday (Easter)
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)