A Healing RA Dream and Two Nice Metaphors

There is a notice from Restoration in Christ Ministries about a webinar after the post.

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Wednesday started early because a man from sonic.net came at 8 AM to figure out what was wrong with my internet connection. Of course, I had to be awake, dressed, and fully caffeinated, plus his workspace had to be tidied up. So by mid-afternoon, I was sleepy. Instead of pushing through, I took a nap. What a good decision!

I woke up from a dream of being in a large room with a fireplace and large comfortable couch-like platforms. There were groups of my friends there, curled up together next to each other like sleepy puppies. Most of them were fellow surviviors. We were a couple of decades younger than we are now, and none of us were in physical pain. We all could move freely, with no pain, no need to protect our backs, necks, knees, or whatever else hurts today in real life. And inside, we all were relaxed and content.

I was next to my friend Wolfie and asked him if I had told him something – I forget what. No, I hadn’t, and yes, he wanted to hear it. My friend Karen joined the group and said she did, too. It was all so peaceful and easy.

There were so many of my friends all around, some from the present, some from the past, all of them relaxed and content. Even a friend from high school! 

I lay in bed, enjoying the dream but not clutching it. It was dusk, and the sun had already set. I could see the moon in the east through the window and the lights of planes leaving the airport and gaining altitude. Spotting a plane has been a rare event in the past two years, and I enjoyed watching them disappear at the top of the window. 

I got up to blog about my dream before the memory faded. Already I was feeling incomplete. I wished Mike, the therapist who ushered me into ritual abuse survivorship, could have been in the dream. I want to be able to contact him, but I have lost touch. All I know is that he closed his practice to teach yoga full time. Part of me thinks it’s because one RA survivor was enough for him and that I chased him away. Another part knows full well that I was never the center of his world and that once he knew of the existence of RA – which happened in a study group before he met me – he would start recognizing survivors no matter where he was.

Mixed feelings are back, and they are welcome. My back hurts. I have miles and miles to go on my healing path, and the trip is bound to be hard. But inside, I feel centered and content. I hope that feeling will co-exist with all my other intense feelings for a long, long time.

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Several days ago, I had a lovely thought that I had planned to share with you all today. The dream did not crowd it out, and here it is.

I remember when I was a kid we would take crayons and cover a piece of paper with swatches of bright colors and then cover everything with black. Then we would scape off part of the black layer to reveal the colors underneath.

That’s a beautiful metaphor for what is happening in our inner lives. We were meant to be beautiful, vital, loving, curious. And then the abusers tried to make our spirits evil like theirs and enslave our life force.

They failed. We bought their lies for a while but, whether we knew it or not, we were still ourselves at the core. Over the years, more and more of who we really are and who we had really been all along started to appear. First, a tiny bit of color, too small to be recognized as hope, shone through, Then a bit more and a bit more. When it reaches a critical mass, we can finally see our true selves, good, beautiful, curious, vital, and full of love and compassion.

There’s another metaphor for those of us who have been forced to become so disconnected from themselves that they hardly feel they exist at all. 

I remember coloring books with blank pages. We dipped a brush in water, and as we dampened the page, colors appeared and formed a picture. The brush is our thirst to be and to see ourselves, and the water is love from others and self-love. The picture is our true self, as it was meant to be and always has been, hidden away from danger but also from ourselves.

I wish we all could believe, right now this very minute and forever afterwards, that we can dissolve the lies they told us about ourselves and see ourselves as we are at heart. 

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Restoration in Christ Ministries, www.rcm-usa.org, writes:

We are happy to announce that we are offering another live webinar on April 23, 2022, which will be open to all. It will be on “Ancestral Bondages” and will cover the following subject matter:

Generational inheritances for ritual abuse survivors
An ancestral barter/bargain
An ancestral dedication
An ancestral sale of a birthright
Ancestral special-purpose covenants
How to break ancestral covenants
The role of ancestral spirits
The covenant with death
How to address ancestral spirit issues 

The webinar will begin at 12:00 noon Eastern Daylight Time and will run approximately two hours, depending on the number of questions asked. The charge will be $20. You can sign up for it at https://www.rcm-usa.org/Ancestral%20Bondage-Webinar_04-23-22.html

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Upcoming Holidays

March
3/20 Spring Equinox

April
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Palm Sunday
4/14 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Supper)
4/15 Good Friday
4/16 Holy Saturday
4/16 Full Moon
4/17 Easter Sunday
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/30 Partial solar eclipse visible in west South America and Antarctica.  https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/solar/2022-april-30
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

May
4
5/1 Beltane
5/8 Mothers’ Day
5/15 Full Moon
5/15 – 5/16 Total lunar eclipse visible in south and west Europe, south and west Asia, Africa, much North America, South America, and Antarctica. https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/lunar/2022-may-16
5/21 (?) Armed Forces Day
5/26 (?) Ascension Day
5/30 Memorial Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

3/17-18 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
4/15-4/23 Passover/Pesach (Celebration of the deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

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You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 

Running from Weirdness

This is the weirdest thing that I have experienced in a very long time. 

Okay, the other day I was lying in bed in the middle of the night. I was thinking some very strange things and I said to myself that I better stop thinking about them or I never would get back to sleep again. But I couldn’t stop. I thought I might be dreaming, but the thoughts were much too coherent for a dream. I finally got up and went to the bathroom and my mind cleared and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

I didn’t write it down immediately, so I have forgotten a few parts, but I remember almost all of it. That is odd because my dreams usually fade as I wake up and are completely gone by the time I get out of bed.

There were four main characters, a young single mother, her son, a dog, and a postman. The mother wasn’t me, but she was the person I most identified with. She did the worrying for everybody.

The woman was getting ready to take her two-year-old out for a walk. She picked up her jacket but dropped it before she could put it on. When she turned to pick it up, she saw it was in a plastic bag, one like dry cleaners use, and that the dress she had worn the day before was also in the bag. Bewildered, she checked to see what she was wearing and it was a different dress, the dress she had put on that morning. She looked at her baby and found he was now a four-year-old. The boy said, “Let’s go!” So she put on her jacket, took his hand, and…

noticed that the window was missing. And the door. And the floor. They were floating in mid-air. “This is really weird,” she thought. Somehow she managed to get outside, holding the little boy’s hand tightly. She noticed that her shoes were missing. “I’ll get them,” the child said. He went back to get them and she waited quite a long time. He came back and gave her the shoes – yellow sandals. She put them on and turned to give him her hand, but he wasn’t there.

Panicked, she looked around. He had run on ahead and was lying on the ground, not moving, with a large dog standing over him. She ran toward him and her shoes fell off and she lost them again. She was sure he was dead, that the dog had killed him. It was her fault, she hadn’t been holding his hand. Her baby, and now he was dead. She started to cry.

When she got near him, he sat up. He smiled at her and said, “Don’t cry, I’m all right.” The dog said, “We are friends.” “Yes,” the boy said, “we are friends.” She was so relieved that she sat down next to him, gave him a big hug, and patted the dog. The dog said, “Now we are friends, too.” She thought a talking dog was a bit weird, but she was so happy she didn’t care.

They sat there a while, the three of them, talking and playing. Then she decided they had better get further away from the weird place that had been their home. She got up and said, “Let’s go.” “Can he come, too? asked the boy.”If he wants to.” “Of course I want to be with my friends, not all alone.” said the dog. The three of them started walking quickly away from the weird place.

After a while, they saw other people walking or, if they could, running, in the same direction. She asked where they were going but they were all out of breath and they looked very scared and they didn’t answer. She figured they were running from the weirdness. She didn’t run because she didn’t have any shoes and running would hurt her feet.

After a while, they came to a four-lane road. Two lanes were jammed with traffic going away from the weird place and there were no cars in the two lanes going toward it. She thought the traffic would go faster if the cars used all four lanes. After a while, three cars pulled off onto the shoulder of the road. The drivers got out and asked if she was okay and asked if they needed a ride. The two of them were welcome, but they didn’t want to take the dog. They imagined him sitting in the back seating drooling and didn’t want him to mess up their car. 

Since the dog was their friend, she said, “No thank you, we are fine.” The people got back in their cars, merged into the traffic and the three of them kept walking. After a while, they got tired of the smell of the cars and took a small road that led into a street that was parallel to the road. There was nobody else on the street.

They walked a long, long time and got very tired and hungry and thirsty. They found a shady place under a tree and sat down to rest. 

The woman noticed two houses on a little hill. She told her son and the dog to stay there and she would try and get some food and water. She went up to the first house and rang the doorbell. An old woman came to the door and shouted, “What do you want?” When the woman told her that they were hungry and thirsty, the old woman shouted, “I am not going to open my door to you and I am not giving you any of my food or water.” 

The woman thought she was scared. Maybe she knew about the weirdness and was hiding in her house. So she said, “I am sorry I bothered you,” and went to the next house. There, nobody answered the bell. 

She peered in the window. She saw that things in the house were disappearing. First a chair, then a table, then a lamp, then the ceiling. She got scared and went back to the tree with nothing to give the hungry child and the dog.

She sat downed and burst into tears. The weirdness was moving as fast as they were – they wouldn’t be able to run fast enough to get away from it. The little boy crawled into her lap and hugged her and the dog put his head on her leg. She felt a little better.

Just then a postman came up. He had been delivering letters to the two houses. He asked why she was crying and the boy told him. “She is crying because we are hungry and she tried to get food and water and she couldn’t get any for us.”

The postman said, “Oh, you are hungry? Stay here, I will be right back.’

He came back with a tray with meat and potatoes and plates and knives and forks. All three thanked him and the mother started eating with a knife and fork and the boy started eating with his hands and the dog ate with his mouth. There was also water to drink and two glasses and a bowl.

When they had finished, the postman gathered up the plates and put them on the tray. The boy said, “Where is dessert?” The postman said,”I will be right back.” He took away the dishes and came back with dessert on the tray.

The dessert was little ice cream pies. The boy picked up one, broke it in two, ate the part in his left hand, and gave the other half to the dog. The dog ate it and sat there looking at the other pies. When they had finished the pies, the dog said, “That was good. But why did you always eat your half before you gave me mine?”

There was no logical answer, so the woman said, “Maybe it has something to do with hands. He used his hands to break them in half.” The dog said, “I want hands.” The boy took off the dog’s paws, then took off his hands and put them on the dog’s front legs. He then put the paws on his arms. He asked the postman if they could have some more dessert. The postman said, “Of course!”

First, the dog gave the woman a whole pie. Then he broke one in half, ate his half, and gave the other half to the boy. The dog did this with all the other pies. When they were all gone, he said, “I am very full.” The boy said, “Me too.” The woman said she was also full, too, and thanked the postman once again. The postman said that it made him very happy to be able to give them a good meal. 

He picked up the dishes and left. The dog and the boy traded hands and paws. At first, the boy put his hands on upside down. His mother told him to take them off and turn them around before he put them back on. The boy was a little worried that the hands might have gotten stuck but they came off easily and he put them on the right way. Then he put the paws back on the dog. Now the boy had human hands again and the dog had doggie paws again.

They rested a little while and then got up and resumed fleeing the weirdness. They didn’t know where they were going but they did know they didn’t want to be back there.

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These are some things I learned from the “dream:”

You can run from weirdness but you can’t hide from it. Get used to it!

The world is very weird because of the pandemic. Some days it feels like my front door has disappeared. 

There are nice people in the world! And in my dreams! Three nice people and a nice dog. Even more, counting the nice drivers in the cars who stopped to see if they could help.

Mean people are often scared people.

You can see how far you have come in your journey but you have no idea where you are going.

If you want to meet a postman with dessert, take a side street.

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Upcoming Holidays

September

9/20 Full moon 

9/22 Fall Equinox 

9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

October

10/11 (?) Columbus Day

10/13 Backward Halloween

10/20 Full Moon

10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

November

11/1 All Saints’ Day

11/2 All Souls’ Day

11/4 New Moon

11/4 Satanic Revels

11/11 (?) Veterans’ Day

11/18-19 Partial Lunar Eclipse

11/19 Full Moon

11/25 Thanksgiving Day (United States)

11/28 First Sunday of Advent

11/30 St Andrew’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

9/16 Yom Kippur (Jewish Day of Atonement) 

9/21 – 9/27 Sukkot (Feast of Tabernacles, Jewish harvest festival

10/4 Hitler’s alternate half-birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual half-birthday, 10/20, and his alternate half-birthdate six months after Easter, which falls on 4/4 this year.)

10/16 Death of Rosenburg

10/19 Death of Goering

10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday

11/9 Kristallnacht

11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah (Jewish Festival of Lights)

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)

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You can find more information on the following holidays at: 

Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/

Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 

Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/

Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/

Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 

Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/

Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/

Spring Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/

Easter: personal – (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/

Walpurgisnacht/May Eve – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/

Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/

Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/

Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/

Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/

Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/

and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/

A wish for us all

I dreamed I was about to be eaten by a huge drooling monster with fangs. I reached behind me and grabbed an ice cream cone and threw it in his mouth with all my might. He chomped and licked his lips. I threw another, and another, and another. Finally he let one drop in front of him and burped. Then he walked up to me — I was so scared — and rubbed the side of his face against my leg like a cat. Next he stood on his hind legs and put his front legs on my shoulders, then licked my face like a dog. So I scritched his ears.

May all our monsters be as easily tamed.