Denial and Ritual Abuse


Spencer has long, soft-as-a-cloud fur. It feels like something I can’t quite remember – not angora, not silk (well, almost), not polyester. Sometimes he lets me brush him and seems to like it, sometimes not. 

When he sheds, his fur gets stuck like Velcro on carpets, sheets, sweaters, underwear, my hair, and just about everywhere. The washing machine chops it up and spreads it out evenly. By now, it is felted balls of fur, not long white or orange hairs. If the surface of the fabric is very smooth, there are a few large clumps that are easy to remove. If it is rough, like wool, most kinds of cotton, and anything containing Spandex, there are hundreds of teeny tiny bits of fur stuck tight as if they were burrs. 

How do I get rid of it?

The Blog Will Have a New Home!

On January 30, I decided to check out SquareSpace. My commitment to exploring alternatives to WordPress is fulfilled! My friend Rishi is busy setting up the blog, and I have promised to stop trying to learn how to edit it and wait for her to finish. With the help of an easy-to-understand tutorial, she will then teach me how to use it. I’m finding it hard to hold back, but we agree that this is a sensible plan. 

I am pretending I am moving in real life. I have found a new apartment and am packing up my possessions. A dear friend is busy preparing the new place – making a list of things that need fixing, cleaning windows and kitchen cabinets, and preparing a list of nearby stores and places to visit. We are both feeling a heady mixture of anxiety and excitement. 

You’ll be the first to know when we choose a moving date.


Recently, I was discussing denial with a group of friends. I know what denial is, yet when I started to speak, I couldn’t find the words. It was annoying at the time and continues to be annoying. I am ruminating about what denial is,\ and why it should strike me mute.

After deciding to write about it, I looked it up in the online Miriam-Webster dictionary. I learned that it is a noun meaning refusal to admit the truth or reality of something.” And that in psychology, it is “a defense mechanism” in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality.”

The definitions are interesting. In the first one, “refusal” could refer to something done or said without conscious intent or something done or said on purpose. I’ll expand on this in a moment.

In the second definition, there is no reference to conscious intent. I can’t, however, imagine how denial could be used to avoid facing a personal problem if it were conscious. If the denial is conscious, so is the problem, no?

Talking to my friends, I was groping to explain that I have two forms of denial, one conscious and the other unconscious, and they feel quite different.

The conscious kind goes like this, “Nah, that couldn’t be a memory of something real. What are the odds that, of the millions of people in the world, that happened to me?”

How does this help me avoid the possibility that my childhood included ritual abuse? It doesn’t. It makes me feel better for a moment, and then I feel foolish. But since the thought pops into my head so often, I figure I might as well welcome it and see how I can best handle that knee-jerk reaction to a previous gruesome thought. Here’s how it goes:

“Oh, there is that doubt again. I must need a resting place before venturing into that territory. I’ll remember that ritual abuse is only a hypothesis, and that, when a better hypothesis comes along, I will drop RA and adopt the new one. I’ll keep an open mind. When I feel ready, then I can delve into new memories, if there are any.”

See how I cover all bases without putting myself down? It looks easy, but a lot of experimentation went into getting it right.

There is another kind of conscious denial that has ,and they get caught? And they deny (lie) they did it when confronted? Or the medical use of the word, “Patient denies current domestic violence, childhood trauma, or previous psychiatric treatment.” 

Unconscious denial is far more interesting to me. There is conscious awareness of the symptoms, the red flags that signal that something is seriously wrong. There may even be a vague feeling that there might be something wrong with your early life. But you believe with certainty that your childhood was fine. No abuse, no major losses, no being bullied. It was fine. I was lucky to have had a good childhood. Even if it included ritual abuse, which you have been taught from an early age not to remember and not to talk about. Not to even think about it.

For all RA/MC survivors, denial developed in early childhood. It had to, for us to stay alive. Denial was as necessary as breathing. It was also heavily reinforced by the brutal training not to speak of these things, not even to remember them.

Today, we don’t need to deny so desperately. Although the need is past, we can’t unlearn how to unconsciously deny something. The best we can do is ask ourselves if there is something trying to get to the surface (part of us wants to know) and stirring up obstacles to remembering (part of us is afraid of knowing.)

I have trouble finding words when I think of this kind of denial. The conscious mind seems sharp and clear to me, but the unconscious mind feels foggy. I find myself standing there, waving my hands, looking up at the sky, waiting for words to fall down into my brain. But they are already in my brain. I just have to find them. 

Of course, it is hard to talk about. My unconscious is different from the conscious part of my mind, and I am not very familiar with it. It’s part of “me.” of course. But the part of me talking and writing is different and has never been in the unconscious. “I” am only guessing what it’s like. No wonder it is hard to find words.

When a wave of denial comes surging out from my unconscious. I try to flow with it. I tell myself it is there for a good reason, and probably information is organizing itself in preparation to reveal itself to me. I talk to my denial as if it were an alter and tell it I’m grateful for the moment of calm. And I tell whatever is pushing up towards consciousness that I do want to know, at the right time. Perhaps I need to be a little stronger, more rested, or the plants need watering first. 

Then, all by itself, things resolve. The denial lifts, and I know a little more about myself. This process used to be a huge struggle, filled with big emotions. Now, using the approach of joining with the denial, it is drama-free and anxiety-free. 

I didn’t get these miraculous results right away. I had to think out what I would say to myself ahead of time and then practice, practice, practice. I can’t just flip a switch and make a change in a minute. But it’s worth the time and energy.


My Late-Life Identity Crisis

There is an announcement after the article.

Mid-life identity crises are easy to spot. Men dream of sports cars, red pick-up trucks, beautiful young women, and tours to Mount Everest. Women dream of “just one more baby,” grad school, and Dancing with the Stars. It’s a rough time for marriages. It’s often a period of depression and ennui. “J’ai lu tous les livres, et j’en ai marre de la vie. (I’ve read all the books, and I am sick and tired of life.”

Identity crises in the elderly – well, you usually think of deepening wrinkles, deteriorating health, loss of independence, and hints of dementia. But do you think of finding out you aren’t the person you thought you were? What are the signs of that? I’d say, for me, staring into space, picking up a pencil and making it hover over a piece of paper, never touching it. Talking out loud to myself, having strange dreams. Also, saying, “really???” a lot to people.

I’ve written before about how I have a sense that there is no me, nothing that holds the hypothetical self together and gives it consistently over time. It’s easier to see continuity with my body. All my memories include the fact that I have a head, two feet, and two hands. My height and weight have changed since I was two, of course, and my hands and feet have become larger. But from the time I was fifteen, there have been no basic changes in the architecture of my body.

Looking back, the earliest clue that I remember is lamenting, “I have no personality.” This was in my early teens. I meant that there was nothing outstanding about me, nothing memorable. I felt that I didn’t catch people’s interest, so there was no reason for them to get to know me. Invisible.

That’s how it feels not to have any sense of self. My body is visible, but my self is invisible to myself, if that makes any sense. And if somebody outside me thinks that they see me, well, they are deluded or just pretending in order to be nice. That doesn’t sound like it makes a lot of sense, either!

Over the past year, things have been changing. I’m back in touch with many people who have known me over the years. When we reconnect, many spontaneously say something like, “You have always been….” When I ask people who I trust to be honest with me and tell me what, if anything, has been constant about me over the years, they can list many traits. I have to listen to them because I know they don’t lie.

If all these people experience me as being constant over the years, they must be reacting to something that has stayed consistent. And, interestingly, they all mention the same things! This suggests that there really is a me and that I am simply blocked from seeing it. What is more, if I met somebody who matched their perception of me, I would like that person. I would be happy to have her as a friend.

Being told that I am perceived in a positive light is in direct opposition to the deep-seated belief that I am toxic, that my love is poison. All these years, I have believed the lies I was told and have covered up “the truth” about me in shame and fear. That’s sad. It’s really nice, however, to start genuinely believing they are lies, not a description of the real me. 

Several months after I began absorbing the implication of these discoveries, I started becoming aware of something I have known all along, something I have known without knowing I knew it. 

A large percentage of me is unconscious, and I am still amnesic for most of my abuse memories. Why don’t I know more? What is down there? What’s holding me back? What am I afraid of? What terrible things would happen if I did know?

Hints abound; hints from childhood and hints from adulthood, both before and after I started remembering. In second or third grade, I thought the Russians had found out how to put people to sleep for a month, play recordings, and have them wake up knowing all that the tapes had contained. I was struggling to memorize the multiplication tables and thought it would be wonderful to go to sleep one night and wake up a month later knowing them perfectly. And why not, while I was at it, also learn multiplication and long division in my sleep? Now how did I know about this?

Perhaps there is a clue in this piece of information. Ewen Cameron was doing these experiments even before he went to McGill. He was in the United States from 1936 to 1943. I was in first grade in 1943. 

In grade school, I was affronted that nobody had tested my ability to see things at a distance, not even guessing the suit and rank of playing cards held behind a screen. I assumed that these tests were the entrance exam, so to speak, to really interesting studies. I was disappointed, insulted, and angry. How did I know about remote viewing? Why did I care so much?

These aren’t memories that popped out in therapy. I have always remembered these thoughts and been puzzled by them.

After I remembered and found therapists who knew about ritual abuse, more hints surfaced. However, they slid out of consciousness after a while, only to resurface after months or years. 

I hope they stay conscious now that I am collecting dots to connect later on.

Two issues are especially important to me.

First, I have always been puzzled about how I make decisions. I feel fragmented, and I feel that tiny pieces of me come together to do things. But how do the fragments get chosen? And how can I decide to collect those fragments and then, when the task is over, let them go? 

Is it possible that there is a part of me that exists out of my awareness and is aware of my surroundings and everything in my conscious mind? Could that part be guiding the little pieces?

To date, the only theory that seemed to make sense was that actions were guided by stimulus/response. Stimulus: see a dirty dish; Response: put it in the dishwasher. Stimulus: open my calendar app and realize it’s the 10th, 20th, or 30th of the month; response: post a blog entry. I never felt very convinced, but it was the best I could come up with. 

Now I have another possible explanation. Frankly, it seems more likely. And scarier.

Second, I have worried for at least two decades that I might have destructive sleeper alters that I am not aware of. Around 12/31/1999 – 1/1/2000, I was terrified, not only of being killed but also by the possibility that the start of a new century was a trigger to wake up my own sleeper alters. Even worse, this would happen to many people at the same time, and we would go about destroying everything in sight.

Nothing happened. It might have as well have been any other night.

I did not stop worrying on and off, however. I don’t say, “Oh, that proves I don’t have sleeper alters.” All I can say for sure is that if I do have sleeper alters, they weren’t triggered into action by the date change.

Now I am willing to explore this part of me, the large unknown world below the protective amnestic barrier. I don’t know if I will get there. But if I do, I know that what is there will contribute mightily to this amazing late-life identity crisis.


RA/MC Panel at the International Human Trafficking and SocialJustice Conference

I will be part of a panel of RA/MC survivors of child sex trafficking. The title of the presentation is “The Interface between Sex Trafficking, Ritual Abuse, and Mind Control Programming.” It will be in two parts. Each part will consist of a recording of the panel discussion followed by live questions and answers. There will be a fifteen-minute break between the two sections. 

We have the whole afternoon on Thursday, September 22, 2022. Read more about the presentation plus descriptions of all the other presentations at

Please come see us in (virtual) person! Survivors should choose the “Free Attendee Registration” option and remember to write for the registration code number. Register at 


Upcoming Holidays

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 (?) St. Bartholomew’s Day

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

10/9 Full Moon
10/10 Columbus Day
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/25 Partial solar eclipse visible in Europe, the Urals, Western Siberia, the Middle East, India, Western Asia, and northeast Africa.
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year 

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups 

10/1 Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrations. 
9/2  Autumnal equinox, “Fall Festival.”
10/16 Death of Rosenburg, a Nazi leader in World War II. (Many Nazi leaders were captured and scheduled for trial in late September and early October. Most of them killed themselves prior to trial.) 
10/17 Hitler’s alternate half birthday (6 months from Easter, 2022)
10/19 Death of Hermann Goering, a Nazi leader in World War II. 
10/20 Hitler’s half-birthday
10/31 – 11/1 Halloween


You can find more information on the following holidays at: Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day
Beltane –
Mothers’ Day –
Fathers’ Day
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –
Lammas –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 –
Fall Equinox –
Halloween (personal)
Halloween (background) –
Thanksgiving –
Yule/Winter Solstice –

Haiku in the Night

The poetry reading was great!

It had two unexpected after-effects on me, though. One was that it was amazingly energizing, launching me on manic binges of answering email and vacuuming. It felt…unusual…but good.

The other was that a fully formed poem woke me up in the middle of the night. No context. I didn’t even dream that I was writing a poem. Now that experience is a first! It wasn’t as startling as the tale of the weird surroundings and talking dog, but pretty close. I wrote it down.

Hey Pat, just a crust.
Just a crust, or maybe the whole loaf –
Either way, it’s mine!

I don’t know who Pat is, but I do know that Pat and the One Who Speaks are both males. I’m not sure if the title is “Capitalism” or “Avarice.” I’m leaning toward “Avarice.”

Denial as a Protective Reaction

I have come to a place where I sort of like it when I go into denial. When I first started on this roller coaster, denial made me frantic. “No, don’t be silly. That didn’t happen to me. No way could that have been going on in my family. It’s just totally out of character!!!” Followed by, “Well, if it didn’t happen, what the hell explains all this?” “I need an explanation! I need it now! But it can’t be ritual abuse, because that is ridiculous.” I was wrestling with the denial and feeling more and more panicky.

Before I remembered, denial was gentler, and it worked, all the time (that I remember.) Looking back, it made me feel calmer, more dissociated. I sort of floated above the thought of abuse, dismissed it, and went about whatever I was doing. No fuss, no panic, no going over the same territory over and over, going in ever more anxious circles. 

Back in the days before the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, there were lots of conferences on incest, abuse by clergy, and ritual abuse. I remember being in a workshop on using play techniques with adults. A nice, soft end to a long, challenging day.

So the presenter was talking about art therapy, and she said, “One clue pointing to ritual abuse in a child – or in an adult, for that matter – is doodling five pointed stars.” After all these years, I still remember my thoughts exactly. “Oh, don’t be silly, I doodled stars all the time and I’m not a ritual abuse survivor.” Case closed. I immediately started doodling stars, and, of course, they were just doodles, not Satanic symbols or anything else. Just something fun to draw, like goldfish or horses or houses.

That is an example of denial protecting a person from overwhelming emotions, from things they were not ready to know. It worked very well. It was quite a while before I had my first memory of ritual abuse, and boy, was I overwhelmed. Denial was no longer available to me, and I thought I would die from the intensity of the pain I was feeling. I was afraid my body couldn’t take it and that my heart would just stop. And I was on the verge of psychosis, afraid I would slip and fall into craziness. Denial had protected me from feeling all that.

Now, thirty-five years later, I still at times slip into denial. As before, my old friend serves to shield me from things I don’t want to know, don’t want to have lived through, don’t want to believe that people are capable of such cruelty. Usually, it doesn’t last very long and is followed by suicidal urges. (Having suicidal thoughts, and suicide itself, is an effective way to block the thoughts/memories of what was done to make me want to die as a child. But that is another big post.

How do I handle regressing into disbelief today? I accept it. I don’t fight it. I know by now it is temporary, and so – this would have sounded nuts to me thirty-five years ago – I embrace and welcome it. It’s a resting place, a short time to catch my breath and get ready for the next leg of the journey.

This is what works for me every time: “Well, after all, ritual abuse is only a hypothesis. If I come across a better hypothesis, I’ll drop ritual abuse and start working with the new one.” What a mature, sensible, non-judgmental attitude! I’ve considered slow-growing brain tumors, hereditary chemical imbalances, and ghost stories around a campfire and decided they were all less convincing than ritual abuse. They didn’t explain all my symptoms, especially those I remember having at an early age. So it’s back to working on ritual abuse, thankfully a little more rested and not wasting any energy scolding myself for once again denying my truth.

I want to end with one more thing, which could also be a whole other blog post. 

A psychologist once said to me, “If a person over-reacts in the present, it means they had to under-react to something in the past.” Makes sense! You are not looking at a drama queen; you are looking at a flashback.


Upcoming Holidays

3/1 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
3/1 St David’s Day (patron saint of Wales)
3/2 Ash Wednesday/beginning of Lent
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day (patron saint of Ireland)
3/18 Full Moon
3/21 Spring Equinox

4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Palm Sunday
4/14 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Supper)
4/15 Good Friday
4/16 Holy Saturday
4/16 Full Moon
4/17 Easter Sunday
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/30 New Moon
4/30 Partial solar eclipse visible in southwest South America and Antarctica.
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

5/1 Beltane
5/8 Mother’s Day
5/15 Full Moon
5/15 – 5/16 Total lunar eclipse visible in south and west Europe, south and west Asia, Africa, much of North America, South America, and Antarctica.
5/21 (?) Armed Forces Day
5/26 (?) Ascension Day
5/30 Memorial Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

3/17-18 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
4/15-4/23 Passover/Pesach (Celebration of the deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt.)

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day –
Spring Equinox –
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) –
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve –
Beltane –
Mothers’ Day –
Fathers’ Day –
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –
Lammas –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 –
Fall Equinox –
Halloween (personal) – 
Halloween (background) –
Thanksgiving –
Yule/Winter Solstice –