About Anger

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Additional information on the following holidays is available at:

Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/

Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/

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I said I would write about how anger figured into my process as I struggled to come to terms with having been ritually abused. I’m going to describe two tracks, the “day life” – my family – and the “night life” – the cult.

In the day life, I was raised to be a nice little girl. There are many things that nice little girls don’t do, and way up at the top of the list is getting angry. If a nice girl burps or runs indoors, it’s greeted with shock, but if she gets angry, it’s greeted with both shock and deep dismay. It’s a disaster that will bring shame on the whole family. So I was taught from a very early age not to show anger and to suppress it to the point of not feeling it.

All my early experiences in the “night life” consisted of religious training. (My cults practices were old-school Satanism.) Neither religious services nor ‘Sunday School” are appropriate places for anger. Any expression of anger, disobedience, or thinking for myself was immediately punished. The message was consistent; only the means of conveying it were different.

By the time I entered school, I had no conscious understanding or even awareness of my anger. I withdrew physically and emotionally from situations that made me mad. Denial, avoidance, repression, and dissociation were my coping mechanisms. Of course, it was still there and managed to sneak out in disguised ways. I was a whiny, sullen child in the day life, and “I can’t” replaced “I won’t, dammit.” Nobody asked why; they figured I was just that way and tried to change me.

As a teen, I developed a thirst to see the world beyond my family. So many things to learn about out there! New foods, other religions, other political beliefs, books, boys. Independence! I developed ways of getting what I wanted, sometimes sneaky ways, like pretending I wanted something outrageous and then settling for what I really wanted all along. I am sure my determination to move beyond my family was largely fueled by anger, but I didn’t know it then.

As I grew into adulthood, I felt anger, even rage, at my parents, but I had no name for that emotion. They thwarted me, I got angry, and then I got angry at being made to feel angry. There were times when I was shaking with the effort not to strangle them. Believe it or not, I only sorta guessed I was angry, and I certainly didn’t feel the depth and breadth of my rage. But I was a nice girl, and I didn’t show my feelings.

The only times I felt angry, knew I was angry, felt entitled to be angry, and showed it in no uncertain terms was when I was defending my kids. Here’s an example: one of my daughters needed an operation and was admitted to the hospital the night before. We were told I could come with her and stay while she got the anesthesia. Next morning at the crack of dawn, I was at the hospital, and they tried to turn me away. “Against the rules.” I blew up and gave the name of the charge nurse who had said I could, and said I would complain all the way to the top if I were not allowed to keep my promise to my child. She would think that I had betrayed her – not that the hospital had fucked up. Guess what? I got my way!

That I was capable of this kind of behavior surprised me. No worry about not being nice, no fear of consequences, no hesitation. And no guilt afterward, just relief and pride.

I have let go of the anger at my parents now that I understand that they had been abused as children, just as I had been. They couldn’t remember, because society was different then, and so they had no chance of healing or of having an honest relationship with their children.

Yes, I am angry now, but at certain world issues, not at specific people. I do object when people cross my boundaries or neglect me, but I quickly work it out.

I never specifically worked on anger. I worked on the things that made me angry, and, as I understood more, my feelings changed. It was one of those things that just seemed to happen, with no effort on my part. A side effect, so to speak, of all the work I did in other areas.

I don’t think that waiting thirty years is a realistic strategy for others to take in dealing with angry feelings. I think it is probably better to learn to identify the feeling, find out how much of it comes from the past and how much from the present, and find ways of handling both past (flashback) and present anger. My guess is that this approach would make life easier and that results would be seen in less than thirty years!

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Upcoming Holidays

December
12/1, 12/8, 12/15, 12/22 Sundays of Advent
12/11 Full moon
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/26 Annular solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Saudi Arabia, southern India, Sri Lanka, parts of Indonesia, Singapore, and parts of the Philippines.
12/31 New Year’s Eve
January
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/10 Full moon
1/10-11 Penumbral lunar eclipse. The moon will turn a shade darker during the maximum phase, visible in Australia, Europe, and Africa. Most penumbral lunar eclipses cannot be easily distinguished from a usual full moon. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-january-10
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/20 St. Agnes’ Eve
February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/8 Full moon
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/25 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
2/25 Walpurgis Day
2/26 Ash Wednesday

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
12/22 – 12/30 Chanukah
1/12 Birth of both Rosenburg and Goering, Nazi leaders in WW2
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/10 Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat (celebration of spring)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

Anger and Sadness

* In case you didn’t notice, the ritual calendar has been updated and the 2019 version is now available.

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* You might miss this, as it is down at the bottom of the post. 1/20 – 1/21 Total lunar eclipse. (Super Blood Wolf Moon) Visible in all of North and South America and partially visible in Europe. See https://www.space.com/42830-supermoon-blood-moon-total-lunar-eclipse-2019.html The first moon the year is called the Wolf Moon because wolves howl at the moon with hunger. For information on Super Blood Moons, see  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-september-28-2015-super-blood-moon-full-eclipse/

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I was thinking how anger often masks sadness. If I am feeling angry and manage to stay with my feelings without acting on them in any way, I eventually feel the anger cracking. Tears start running down my face. I feel so hurt and sad that somebody could treat me like that – it’s painful in a way that anger is not.

I feel very vulnerable when I express my sadness. If I dare to let anybody know, I fear I will be hurt again. If I have been unable to protect myself in the past and “allowed” myself to be hurt, others will know and take advantage of my weakness. At times I am so afraid that I shake. It is far safer to show anger because anger can frighten people and make them stay away.

Either way, it is lonely, but anger provides a rush that makes me feel energized and gives me the hope that I can control others and prevent them from hurting me. As long as that adrenaline is flowing, I feel safe and protected.

At the same time, my anger  frightens me. I am not sure I can control it. It could go beyond protecting me into attacking others tooth and nail. It’s tricky. Too little anger and nobody would take me seriously. Too much and I might do real harm. I don’t like destruction and I do not want to kill or maim somebody or throw furniture around wantonly.

I know that these are old, old feelings. My anger, at best, could hurt somebody’s feelings. My body is no longer in shape to toss furniture around the room or do serious physical damage to a person. Rationally, I have nothing to fear from my anger, but not all of me knows that. Anger sure talks a good line, though! It’s got me fearing it could destroy the entire city.

Sadness – what am I sad about? Mainly death. The deaths of animals and children in the cult. Deaths in my family before we could resolve anything. Deaths of so many survivors, so many friends. The passing of still another year and knowing very few more are left to me.

I’m sad about lesser things, too. The cat I had to give away because he started to act viciously toward my other cat. The fact that it is raining and I cannot go do things in my garden. (Except I am glad for the rain.) I broke my favorite necklace. And the list goes on.

Now that I know what lies underneath my anger, I get angry much less often. Its as if the genie has been let out of the bottle and doesn’t want to go back in again. Anger just doesn’t work very well as a distraction – I am on to myself. And that’s okay with me. My sadness can’t hurt anybody, and grieving my losses lightens my burden in time. I feel calmer…and more real.

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Upcoming Holidays

January
1/20 St. Agnes’ Eve
1/20 Full moon
1/21 Martin Luther King Day
1/20 – 1/21 Total lunar eclipse. (Super Blood Wolf Moon) Visible in all of North and South America and partially visible in Europe. See https://www.space.com/42830-supermoon-blood-moon-total-lunar-eclipse-2019.html The first moon the year is called the Wolf Moon because wolves howl at the moon with hunger. For information on Super Blood Moons, see  https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-september-28-2015-super-blood-moon-full-eclipse/

February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/18 President’s Day/Washington’s Birthday
2/19 Full moon
2/25 Walpurgis Day

March
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/5 Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras
3/6 Ash Wednesday/Beginning of Lent
3/17 St Patrick’s Day
3/20 Full moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/20 – 1/21 Tu B´Shvat (Celebration of spring)
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
3/20 – 3/21 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

Ritual Abuse – the Gift that Keeps on Giving

Upcoming Satanic and Nazi holidays  
Please note that Satanic sects build the year around pagan holidays Christian holidays, and major secular holidays. It is the Neo-Nazi groups that defile Jewish holidays.
Also see: August Ritual Dates https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Labor Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/labor-day/
9/1 (Nazi) Start of WW2:  9/5 (Satanic) Labor Day (US and Canada):  9/5 – 9/7 (Satanic) Marriage to the Beast:  9/7 (Satanic) Feast of the Beast:  9/16 (Satanic) Full Moon:  9/17 (Nazi) Hitler’s alternate half-birthday:  9/20 – 9/21 (Satanic) Midnight Host:  9/22 (Satanic and Nazi) Fall Equinox

 

Some gift.

First I thought that when I became independent and didn’t have to do what my parents said, things would be fine.

Then I thought if I could only figure out what was wrong with me, I would be fine.

If I married, if I had kids, if I went to graduate school, if I lost five pounds, I finally would be happy.

Then I thought if I could shake my depression, I would be fine.

I got married, had kids, got my degree, and am no longer depressed, thanks to Wellbutron. I still have a few pounds to lose  –  aha! that must be it!

Seriously, what’s wrong is my ritual abuse background. I’ve worked like hell on ritual abuse for many years, and I think things are probably almost as good as they are going to get. They might slowly get even a little bit better in the next few years. If they do, I won’t complain.

It’s true. Ritual abuse affects your whole life, every single year of it, right through the “Golden Years.” <snicker>

I’ll tell you what set off this rant. An article from WebMD News by Amy Norton entitled “Serious Infections Tied to Suicide Risk: Danish study finds greater association in those hospitalized with HIV or hepatitis.” It is an easy-to-read description of an article by  Lena C. Brundin, MD, PhD and Jamie Grit, BSc  “Ascertaining Whether Suicides Are Caused by Infections.” JAMA Psychiatry online, August 10, 2016. It is at https://archpsyc.jamanetwork.com/article.aspx?articleid=2542678  The abstract and first page are free; the rest of article can be purchased. The WebMD article is at http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/news/20160810/serious-infections-tied-to-suicide-risk

Denmark has kept marvelous medical records since 1977. The National Patient Registry includes all inpatient, outpatient, and emergency room visits. It is a health care statistician’s dream come true.

The authors studied patients who had been hospitalized for infections and compared them to those who had not had infections. Their suicide rate was 42% higher. The suicide rate of people hospitalized with HIV/AIDS or hepatitis, both really serious infections, was more than twice that of people who had had neither HIV/AIDS or hepatitis.

It’s known (but not by me, this was the first I had heard of it) that inflammation can cause depression. Interferon, used to treat some infections and some cancers, causes an inflammatory response; almost half the people on interferon become seriously depressed. It’s not that it’s depressing to have an infection or cancer because people taking other drugs have far lower rates of depression.

So…inflammatory factors can cross the blood/brain barrier. If my body is inflamed, I get depressed. And if I am depressed, my body becomes inflamed.

One of the main after-effects of ritual abuse is depression. If the body isn’t already inflamed from the abuse (which it surely is), the depression causes inflammation. Or makes the body become more inflamed. That explains why so many us are chronically sick – and depressed – as adults.

I’ll offer myself as an example. Looking back, I can see I was clearly depressed by first grade. Suicidal ideation appeared briefly as an adolescent and then became chronic in my late thirties. Interestingly, when I was thirty I had a mysterious illness that caused pain in my hands, arms and legs. It hurt to even hold a pen. Was it fibromyalgia? The only diagnosis offered was, “Middle-aged women sometimes get this.” It cleared up in my forties when I took an antidepressant.

Unfortunately, the antidepressants I took made me gain 80 pounds. Obesity causes inflammation. Inflammation causes arthritis. Arthritis causes inflammation. Luckily the antidepressant I am on now doesn’t make me gain weight. I am on antidepressants for life because every time I try to stop I fall into a black depression and the suicidal thoughts come back.

After living with arthritis for over twenty years, I can no longer walk without a walker and can only go about a quarter of a block without sitting down. I don’t know what the next chapter of this story will be, but I hope the pace of the arthritis will slow now that I am neither obese nor depressed.

I think that if we could take great good care of our bodies when we are young we could avoid some of the conditions that cause inflammation. Dealing with the ritual abuse itself can lessen depression. Then we might get fewer diseases that cause inflammation when we get older and our depressions might be milder. But it is unrealistic to expect this amount of self-care when we have no idea that we are ritual abuse survivors or we are in the early chaotic stages of remembering. It takes all our energy just to stay alive. Besides, we were not taught self-care as kids and we have to painstakingly learn it as adults.

It is so unfair. There ought to be a rule that a person only has so much suffering in their life. Or that they get equal amounts of suffering and happiness. But it doesn’t work that way. The shadow of ritual abuse falls across our whole lives, like it or not.