I Am Desolate

Survivors of Incest Anonymous Phone Meeting
Every Wednesday morning by telephone
Noon Eastern Time
11 AM Central Time
10 AM Mountain Time
9 AM Pacific Time
This Twelve-Step telephone meeting is for people with “DID and Internal Fragmentation.” Ritual abuse survivors are welcome.

Many RA survivors have been in Twelve-Step programs other than Survivors of Incest Anonymous  – Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Over-Eaters Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

Some of us who have become aware of our pasts thirty or more years ago were in Survivors of Incest Anonymous meetings for ritual abuse survivors before the backlash forced so many back into silence. Those meetings were a source of strength and sanity and are sorely missed.

So it makes me very happy to know that there is an SIA “DID and Internal Fragmentation” meeting open to RA/MC survivors. Information on phone meetings, along with the phone number, is at https://siacominghomephoneline.org/

It would be wonderful to have at least one more meeting, preferably on the weekend, for those who work or need to plan around children. In cases like this, more is truly more!

Anybody who has been in SIA for three months or longer can start a meeting. Alternately, anybody in ACOA for three months or longer could start a DID and RA/MC survivor-friendly meeting. Does anybody reading this qualify? Would you like to start one?

If this happens, let me know, and I will help spread the word.


I Am Desolate

I’m losing my vision slowly. I diagnosed myself with macular degeneration about twelve years ago and was officially diagnosed ten years ago. The progression was slow, and my attention was more focused on cataracts, which I have had removed.

The rate, however, has speeded up recently. Although I have (I hope) many months when I can still read, it has hit me hard. I can read real books, with their crisp pages and lovely smells, articles on the Net, emails, things I have written. I can see original art, reproductions, cartoons, colors, trees, buildings, all sorts of things. I can see the faces of those I love and those I know only through ZOOM or photos. But there will come a day when all that is lost to me.

I imagine I will cry and read through the tears for hours and hours. Perhaps I can get all the crying done now and still have time to learn how to write with dictation software and read with a screen reader. If so, I will still be able to do the things that are the most precious to me. I will just have to do everything in an entirely different way.

Assistive technology for people with low vision is wonderful, and it will only get better year by year. Right now, there is even a low-vision app on the market that recognizes faces and tells you who is standing in front of you!

Here’s the medical scoop.

I have age-related macular degeneration (AMD) in both eyes. The rods and cones, cells that recognize light, are clustered on a layer of tissue at the back of the eye called the macula. Over time, they are damaged, mainly by UV light, and die off. It starts at the center of the macula. More and more cells die, and the spot that is deteriorating becomes bigger and bigger.

So, at first, there is a small area in the central field of vision where it is hard to differentiate things of similar colors and intensity. Depth vision is affected. The deficits are slight but relentlessly become more troublesome over time. It takes longer to adjust to changes in light intensity. It’s worse in low light conditions, better in really bright light. I don’t understand why, but it is much worse in my dominant eye.

This condition is called “dry AMD,” and there is no treatment to reverse it or slow it down. There is another form, more serious, called “wet AMD.” Wet AMD can be treated, thank goodness.

What happens is either the tissue behind the retina swells and leaks or the blood vessels behind the retina bleed. In both cases, the fluid pushes the retina up, causing wrinkles. Some rods and cones are pushed together, and others are pulled apart. The retina does not completely relax back to its original shape when the fluid subsides. Objects in the field of vision are distorted as if somebody crumpled a photograph.

Wet MD can be treated but not reversed. A medication is injected into the eye, which dries out the leaking tissue and stops the growth of abnormal blood vessels. If you catch it early and the leak is small, the distortion might become less noticeable. For me, sadly, it didn’t, and I am stuck with it for life (unless it gets worse.)

Last week, I was reading the Sunday paper and thought it was printed with grey ink. When I looked at the paper with my “bad” eye, the ink was black. I realized that my whole field of vision was affected, not just my central vision. This isn’t supposed to happen with dry MD! I must have still another condition. This triggered a week-long melt down which all my ZOOM friends got to enjoy.

I have had a major melt down about my vision before, so I knew it wouldn’t last forever. The summer before the pandemic hit, I stopped driving because of dry MD. I lost so much independence! I would have adapted to COVID a lot better if I could have continued to drive. I am not very graceful about relying on others, whether they be friends, Paratransit, cab drivers, or Uber drivers. And I am not very proficient at using the apps that are supposed to bring Paratransit vans, cabs, and Uber or Lyft cars to me. It is not pleasant to be left standing on a street corner cursing.

I imagine that as the macular degeneration progresses, I will have to adapt to being more and more dependent on other people. I will gallantly conquer as much technology as possible. And once I learn it, there will be a software update, and I will have to learn it all over again. A lifetime of learning stretches in front of me. I am not thrilled.

So here I sit, right in the middle of the anger stage of grief. However, I am being sensible and proactive. I am beginning the information-gathering part of adapting to ever-worsening vision.

Here is what I have found so far:

1. There is more to life than ritual abuse!

2. Eschenbach Optik of America makes all sorts of magnifiers. I haven’t started going through their products to see if there is something I could use now and in the future. Looks a bit pricey, but they have used products for sale, too. https://www.eschenbach.com/

3. MD Support offers a forum and an email list for people with macular degeneration. I was a member about ten years ago when I was first diagnosed and panicky but dropped out. It was an active group with reliable information. I am rejoining.   http://www.mdsupport.org/

4. Living Well with Low Vision – Information and news, resources, free books, clinical trials.   https://lowvision.preventblindness.org/resources/ 

That’s as far as I have gotten.


Tropical Birds at a Bird Feeder in Panama
This is a lovely, colorful video, but with no music or bird song. It cheered me up immensely. Rather than embedding the video, I am giving you the URL. It’s twelve minutes long, and I don’t want to tax WordPress’s memory. I hope you enjoy it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FB77T30feo


Upcoming Holidays

1/31 New Moon

2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/16 Full Moon
2/21 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/25 Walpurgis Day

3/1 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
3/1 St David’s Day (patron saint of Wales)
3/2 Ash Wednesday/beginning of Lent
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day (patron saint of Ireland)
3/18 Full Moon
3/21 Spring Equinox


You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/ 
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/ 
Halloween (background) – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/ 

A Drug That Restores Memory in Mice!

November was a difficult month, what with the deaths of people I cared about, some revelations I wasn’t real happy to get, and the things that are relentlessly going on in the world. So I set myself a challenge.

In December, I will write three blog posts about things that make me hopeful and happy. I am also going to spend ten minutes a day making a little corner of my home prettier. In November, if I were in a relatively good mood, I would have said cleaner, or less cluttered. If I were in a bad mood, I would have said less ugly. And if I were in a terrible mood, I would have said a little less hideous. No more! Three weeks of prettiness, not one day of less hideousness. 

Since smiling is supposed to release feel-good hormones, I will smile whenever I remember to, whether I feel like it or not. We’ll see if it makes any difference!

Today’s beautifying project is to put away the clean dishes and put the dirty ones in the dishwasher. If that doesn’t take the full ten minutes, I shall wash two frying pans.

On to the blog post!


I came across this article:

“Drug Reverses Age-Related Cognitive Decline within Days.” https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-12-drug-reverses-age-related-cognitive-decline.html

It is a summary of “Small Molecule Cognitive Enhancer Reverses Age-Related Memory Decline in Mice.” by Karen Krukowski et al., eLife https://elifesciences.org/articles/62048

Now mind you, this study was done on mice, not humans. Still, mice are similar enough to humans to make this research terribly exciting. 

There is a quality control mechanism that shuts down the protein-forming ability of cells infected with a virus or containing a cancer-inducing mutation. This substance is called “integrated stress response” (ISR), and the substance that blocks ISB is called ISRIB, which stands for ISR InhiBitor. Blocking the production of protein is great until the virus is cleared or the cell with the mutation dies. If the mechanism is stuck in the working position, cells become dysfunctional.

Back to the mice.

About five years ago, the researchers had given ISRIB to mice with traumatic brain injuries. After a few days, the mice regained normal brain function! They were back to running mazes like healthy mice instead of stumbling around. making the same mistakes over and over again or quitting altogether.

The symptoms of traumatic brain injury look very much like the symptoms of normal aging. So why not give ISRIB to a group of aged mice matched with a group that didn’t receive ISRIB? Guess what? The ISRIB group did as well as young mice after one or two days. Three weeks later, they gave both groups a new challenge. Guess what? The ISRIB group still acted like young mice! And the group that didn’t get ISRIB still acted like old mice.

The researchers were getting really excited. They had already studied the effects of ISRIB in the restoration of memory function months after traumatic brain injury, the reversal of cognitive impairments in Down Syndrome, the reversal of noise-related hearing loss, fighting certain types of prostate cancer, and even enhancing cognition in healthy animals. They came up with a list of additional conditions that might respond to ISRIB. It included Alzheimer’s, ALS, MS, Parkinson’s, Mad Cow Disease, and, of course, age-related cognitive decline.

They didn’t limit their studies to neurons. The immune system shows the same kind of age-related dysfunction as the brain does. It turns out that ISRIB resets T-cells the same way it resets neurons. These days we need every T-cell we can get our hands on!

I’m also getting excited about things that are not on their list – namely, all the little quirks of cognition and memory associated with dissociation. Could ISRIB help with the rapid fading of memories, the lack of memories of childhood, the lack of memories of traumatic events, and the inability to recall names, faces, or dates? How about anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and nightmares? How about memory-sharing between alters? My mind is spinning with exciting ideas!

ISRIB sure sounds like a miracle drug to me. I’m aware that it probably won’t be available for human trials in my lifetime. If it is, I’ll be the first to volunteer. I bet, though that it will be available to my children and grandchildren. I know that some of those reading this post are younger than my children, perhaps even younger than my grandchildren. It makes me very happy to think that ISRIB may become available and may prove to be of benefit to you.


Upcoming Holidays

Sundays of advent: 11/28, 12/5, 12/12, 12/19
12/14 New moon
12/14 Total solar eclipse. Totality will be visible in Chile and parts of Argentina. Partial eclipse will be visible in southern South America and south-east Africa. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-december-14
12/21 Winter solstice/Yule/St. Thomas’ Day
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/29 Full moon
12/31 New Year’s Eve

1/1 New Year’s Day
1/6 (?) Epiphany/Three Kings’ Day
1/7 St Winebald’s Day
1/13 New Moon
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/18 (?) Martin Luther King Jr. Day
1/20 (?) St. Agnes’ Eve
1/28 Full moon

2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/11 New moon
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/15 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/16 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
2/17 Ash Wednesday/beginning of Lent
2/25 Walpurgis Day
2/27 Full Moon

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
11/29 -12/16 Chanukah/Hanukkah (Jewish Festival of Lights)
1/28 Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat  (Jewish celebration of spring)
1/12 Birth of both Rosenberg and Goering, Nazi Leaders in WWII
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/26 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


* Remember my post on Pornhub?

From The Associated Press: “Mastercard and Visa said … they would block their customers from using the credit cards to make purchases on Pornhub following accusations the pornographic website showed videos of child abuse and rape. Mastercard said it was also investigating other websites for potential illegal content.”

*And remember the one on unwanted reactions to meditation?

Here is a short video explaining why they happen and a couple of suggestions on preventing them.

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Yule/Winter Solstice https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal) For background, see Spring Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/


* How to add a comment after a post This blog’s design makes it hard to figure out how to comment. Go down to the bottom of the post (after the calendar) You will see in light grey type: “RATE THIS” tagged (a list of the tags) (the number of) comments” Click on the word “comments” to open all posted comments.

At the very bottom of the page, you will see “LEAVE A REPLY.” That’s where you make a new comment. You can reply to a posted comment by clicking “Reply” under that comment. In each case, make sure to click “POST COMMENT” when you are finished. It’s a good idea to write out your comment first and then paste it in so that you don’t risk losing what you wrote.

Ritual Abuse Causes Early Physical Aging

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Fathers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2020/06/20/ritual-abuse-and-fathers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
and Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/


It seems that every couple of years, I read about another deleterious effect of abuse that shows up years after the actual abuse has stopped. Just last week, I got another opportunity to rant – or rather, to process my righteous anger –  about how ritual abuse ravages our bodies in so many different ways.

What set me off was an article in an email newsletter I get from Harvard. Apparently, childhood violence (but not neglect) sets processes in motion that make victims age faster. They aren’t talking about chronic diseases like lupus, arthritis of all sorts, diabetes, or addictions, all of which often shorten the life span significantly, This is on a cellular level!

Here’s the Harvard Gazette summary of: Colich, Natalie L., Rosen, Maya L., Williams, Eileen S., and McLaughlin, Katie A. “Biological Aging in Childhood and Adolescence Following Experiences of Threat and Deprivation: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis.” American Psychological Association, Psychological Bulletin, 8/3/2020 DOI: 10.1037/bul0000270: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2020/08/violence-and-trauma-in-childhood-accelerate-puberty/?utm_source=SilverpopMailing&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Daily%20Gazette%2020200805%20(1) .

This appears to be the original article in its entirety; complete, interesting, very long, and very complex. https://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/bul-bul0000270.pdf .

The authors found that violence in childhood causes early puberty. It also shortens telomeres, the part of the chromosome at the ends, which protects them from deterioration. Essentially, this means that chromosomes will wear out earlier.

I don’t really understand this part of early aging, so I’ll just quote from the article.

“Another area was epigenetic aging metrics, in which patterns of methylation across the genome can be used to estimate a person’s chronological age. Again, children who experienced violence showed accelerated epigenetic aging markers compared with their chronological age, indicating that their cells aged more quickly than expected.”

But that’s not all. In childhood, the outer parts of the brain thin, and the number of connections between the neurons diminishes. The brains of children living with violence thinned faster than those of the other children, especially in areas that process social situations and emotional information.

This means that the brain has adapted to being tuned in to situations that present a threat and is less focussed on situations that are not dangerous. No wonder, as adults, that we are hypervigilant and anxious and have trouble developing trusting relationships.

It’s just not fair. When you escape, you should be rewarded with a healthy body that doesn’t hurt, as well as a spirit full of hope and determination. Plus not just self-esteem, but pride at being able to get free of their clutches. I think this is the least you could ask for, the least you should expect.

Well, we all know it doesn’t work that way. Torture damages body, mind, and spirit, and you are left with the challenge of figuring out just what the damage is and what can be done about it. They made the mess, and you get the job of cleaning it up.

By you, I mean you and I and all survivors. Not a single one of us gets a fair shake. As I say when I am really furious, this sucks toad tits.


Here’s a list of other blog entries on physical problems and ritual abuse:

Depression, Obesity, and Inflammation

PTSD and Dementia

Things on My Mind This Week (Ritual Abuse Correlated with Ovarian Cancer)

Stress, Cortisol, Eating, and Meditation


Upcoming Holidays

8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
10/1 Full moon
10/12 Columbus Day (?)
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/31 Full moon (Blue Moon)
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
10/4 Hitler’s alternate half birthday
10/20 Hitler’s half birthday
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
10/19 Death of Goering
10/31 Halloween
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish or Christian holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)