News Items and “What Is Poyfragmentatyion?”

Pornhub Loses Again

An email from Laila Mickelwait, founder of the Traffickinghub movement, arrived in my inbox with more inspiring news. It said:

“YouTube and TikTok permanently shut down Pornhub’s accounts in just one week!

Last week, after mounting pressure and reporting from organizations, survivors, and advocates, both YouTube and TikTok shut down Pornhub’s accounts for good. Why? Because impunity is finally ending for companies like Pornhub that knowingly profit from illegal content such as child abuse, rape, and sex trafficking. 

“First, I highlighted Pornhub’s presence on TikTok and asked my followers on social media to report the account. Then hundreds of #Traffickinghub advocates began reporting Pornhub on TikTok. When it came to the attention of The National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), they immediately met with TikTok to flag the issue. Within hours, the account was shut down. Subsequently, NCOSE met with YouTube to share evidence of Pornhub’s involvement in child abuse, rape, and sex trafficking. The following day Pornhub’s YouTube account was removed. These victories came on the heels of Instagram permanently shutting down Pornhub’s 13 million follower account. 

“This is an example of what is possible when individual citizens, survivors, and organizations of all backgrounds unite around a just cause. Pornhub is the flagship site of the international porn behemoth called MindGeek, which has been named one of the largest “Criminal Enterprises” in the world engaged in profiting from sexual crime.

“Pornhub is now removed from all major social media platforms except for Twitter, and we are putting pressure on Twitter to shut down their account right now, even as you read this email.

“Let’s keep fighting together because we are winning battle after battle. We can see victory if we keep at it and don’t give up.”

Harvey Weinstein

Harvey Weinstein was found guilty in Los Angeles of three charges of rape and sexual assault against Jane Doe 1. He was acquitted of one count of sexual battery by restraint against another woman. The jury could not decide on the final three counts related to the two other women.

He faces 24 years in prison, in addition to the 23 years he is currently serving from the rape conviction in a 2020 New York trial. He has appealed the verdict in the New York case and is expected to appeal the Los Angeles conviction as well.

Spencer’s News

My cat scared me half to death the other morning.

I was sitting at my computer and heard a rustling, which got louder and louder. Then he rushed out of hiding with the handle of a small paper bag looped over his head and raced back and forth through the apartment at full speed. I closed him in my bedroom, figuring I had the best chance of catching him there.

Indeed, he ran under the bed, his original safe spot. I crawled next to him, removed the bag, patted him a little, and left him to calm down. It took a good 24 hours for him to come out from under the bed.

Later in the day, I found my nail polish, nail polish remover, and nail files scattered across the floor. They weren’t heavy, just bulky. Poor kitty! How did he manage to do that?

What Is Polyfragmentation?

Back in the late ’80s and early ’90s, when I first started down this long, difficult, amazingly rewarding path, the word polyfragmentation wasn’t used in connection with multiplicity. I knew about it intuitively because that was the way my mind is put together. So did many other survivors, but we had no words to describe it.

As people began talking and writing about multiplicity, the idea started coming into focus.

Initially, the term was used to mean many alters – at first, more than 12 alters, then more than 100. I assume that means alters with names, ages, personal histories, etc. Some may be more fully formed than others, but basically, they are all like people. That’s a lot, but it seems to me that it’s more a crowd than a group of fragments. Though I suppose if you consider that all alters either come from the original personality or from alters that have already split off, you can consider all the alters fragments. But wouldn’t that be true of people with 79 alters, or 5, or 3?

Then the parts with only one function, or those formed during one specific instance of abuse, were studied. There might be a part that experienced terror and nothing else. Or a part that knows how to brush teeth and nothing else. These parts might not have personalities and probably are not fully conscious in the way we think of consciousness. They were split off from an existing alter and, because they are so limited, can be considered fragments.

There are more complex systems formed deliberately during mind control. The term fragments is sometimes used to describe parts arranged in layers throughout such a system. The layers are generally isolated and not in communication with the parts of the system in other layers.

I see that the system could be considered fragmented, but I can’t assume that the parts as fragments. They might have personalities, ages, and histories They all have a purpose in the system, a job to perform, either internally or in the outside world. Some “sleeper alters” may be dead, hidden, or invisible. Some might be clones – exact copies of an alter, complete in all details. But, as far as I know, they all are either people or things. That’s not my understanding of fragments.

My fragments are little bits of things floating around with no consciousness or purpose, sort of like dust particles in the air. When I want to do something, a number of these things coalesce into a clump, like a dust bunny. I don’t know how, but this little cloud of dust can learn to use a new operating system, write, tie my shoes, and do all the other things of daily life. After the job is complete, the clump disperses. The next time that job needs to be done, a new clump forms. A few of the tiny little pieces might be recycled, but not many. 

So there are no lasting dust bunnies that drive cars, sing in the shower, or talk to the furniture. There is nothing that holds them together once they have finished the task that they were assembled to do.

On a day-to-day basis, I don’t consider this confusing at all because it is normal for me. I can’t remember a time when I was not like this, and I have to work hard to imagine what it would be like to be organized in any other way. (If, of course, I am presumptuous enough to call myself organized.)

All this is very logical and simple to me…except…who/what decides what to do? Who/what selects the group of fragments? Who/what decides when the action is complete and the particles can disperse? I have never met anyone or anything in charge of making little clouds that function like a recognizabe American woman of a certain age.

Is each little fragment conscious in some way? If the little pieces aren’t conscious, what is? Is there a layer that I am not aware of that contains more formed parts that make these decisions?

If anybody understands any of this — please explain it to me!!

It sure seems that dissociated states can be more complicated than we realize. We survivors are constantly revising our instruction manuals in a desire to understand our inner workings and to heal. We have to figure out polyfragmentation for ourselves because there is precious little in the literature. When we learn more, we will teach therapists, who will then write articles that we can Google. We will decide if the articles apply to us or not and modify our instruction manuals accordingly.

P.S. To illustrate how diverse or minds can be, in the early 90s I met a man who described his mind as a slide rule. He lined up all the components of an action, and, if he got it right, everything went smoothly. If one part was missing, he froze until he could find it and put it in place. And if he picked the wrong part, he risked acting inappropriately.

Here’s an example. Phone rings. Select ‘phone.’ Select ‘answer phone.’ Woman says, “Hello, may I talk to Bill?” Select ‘woman.’ Select ‘identify self as Bill.’ Woman says, “Would you like to join us for dinner Thursday?” Select ‘mother.’ Select ‘find excuse.’ You get the idea.

It all happened at lightning speed. The only way he could analyze what was going on was to further dissociate and have a part look at the process as it was happening. After observing it many times, he found a simile for how his mind worked and was able to describe it to others. 

But, like me, he had no idea who or what was observing the process or who or what made the decisions – who selected ‘mother’ rather than ‘bill collector.’

“On Ritual Abuse”

Rummaging around in my computer, I came across a large file labeled “to be filed.” Inside was the very first article I wrote on ritual abuse. It was published in “Body Memories” in the May/June 1993 issue. The collection of essays written by ritual abuse survivors emphasized societal issues. I remember being unsure if they would accept the piece because my point of view is personal, but I decided to submit it and see what happened.

They published it! I never saw another issue of “Body Memories.” I forgot all about the journal and my article.

Here is what I found in that “to be filed” folder.

“I was born into a Satanic family whose practices traced back to Europe. By day, my family was proper, even dull, with minor little human flaws. By night, they were Satanists, and like all committed parents, they raised their children to adhere to their practices. For me as a child, this meant physical and emotional sadism, lots and lots of group sex and animal sacrifices, some human sacrifices and cannibalism, and acting in pornographic films. As an adult, after I had broken free, it meant endless years of depression and fear, accomplishment sucked dry of every bit of pleasure, a dread of life, and a frustrated desire to disclose what had happened and find some peace.

“Did it really happen? Well, how do you teach a preschooler to have S/M fantasies? Where did that preschooler, who had no television or conventional religious training, learn about the devil, being buried alive in coffins, bearing the devil´s baby? What do you have to do to a child to make them believe, in 1945, that people are selfish, power-hungry, and sadistic, and that the only protection in life is to offer yourself to Satan so that you can be the predator, not the prey? If it wasn’t Satanic abuse, what did they do to me, that I organized my life around this fantasy? Must have been pretty awful.

“I was taught, threatened, and coerced into keeping my abuse secret. The times I slipped and revealed something, people outside the cult usually didn´t notice. When they did, all they saw was that I was odd, different from other children, difficult. In 1945, children’s problems were assumed to arise from within from innate flaws or badness. The expression of children’s pain required suppression and correction rather than serious attention. Is it much different today?

“My life has been blessed as an adult because I managed to escape and no longer had to be tortured or torture others. I raised my children non-abusively, and that is a miracle. And today, I am blessed because I can speak out about my experience and I can share my life with others who have lived through the same atrocities. I suffer the same old despair, but it feels a little less alone to be accepted, believed, comforted, and even (dare I say it) cherished by a few people.

“And yet, socially, ritual abuse survivors are as alone as we have ever been. We are keenly aware of the powerful voices trying to still us with accusations of being narcissistic hysterics jumping on the abuse bandwagon. We hear threats of lawsuits but do not even have the credibility to be arrested for crimes we were forced to participate in. We feel our aloneness most when we disclose and are met by disbelief, total silence, or comments about the weather.

“All who lived through ritual abuse are deeply impaired. Who wouldn’t be scarred by just one incident of the type we suffered day after day? Many survivors can’t keep a job or a relationship. Many of us are chronically suicidal and self-mutilate or cover our pain with amnesia, drugs, or alcohol. We routinely get scapegoated for our symptoms. Most of us don’t have the resources to get assistance from society, and we settle for patronizing crumbs.

“There are some brave and competent people without cult experience who try to understand and help us, but they are few and far between. So we reach within for understanding and solace, and we band together, as best we can, to create for ourselves what society withholds from us. Our deep and precarious friendships clothe our suffering in moments of beauty.

“I have never been believed by society, and I do not expect to be. For if we were to be taken seriously, we would expose that the very foundation of culture, throughout human history and in every country, is abuse, aggression, power-hunger, and sadism. If you believe in the existence of hidden ritual abuse, you will start to be able to identify open ritual abuse in every institution and family you come in contact with.

For ritual abuse is simply systematic physical, emotional, sexual, and/or spiritual abuse in the name of a defined ideology. It is abuse, rationalized as “for your own good” or “for the good of society.” Under this definition, the vast majority of ritual abuse is out in the open and sanctioned by many people. A child who is told he is going to hell for lying, a teenager who beats up people of different races, ethnic cleansing, and the list goes on and on. The difference between my experience and everyday life is only one of degree and secrecy.

If I were to be believed, people would not be able to live with themselves and continue to tolerate such horrors. They would have to change themselves and society. My life has taught me not to dare to expect so much from people.


I didn’t give any further thought to the article until, four years later, I was surprised by an email from a survivor thanking me for validating their memories.

Learning of the effect my words had on another person made a huge impression on me. I was not writing in a personal journal, I was writing for real human beings who were suffering just like myself. The stranger who was kind enough to write me became my friend, and we have remained in touch for all these years.

I have never forgotten that my words, my actions, have an effect on others. I may feel like a powerless, terrified little mouse, but that is a flashback to how I felt as a powerless, terrified little girl. In truth, some of my words, to some people, may be life-changing.

For those of you who write and feel you are shouting into a void, take hope. You do not know where your words will land. But I assure you, they will land, and your voice will be heard. Some of your words will be repeated and will reach others. They will live on past the day you first shared them publically, past the day you pushed the “send” button.

Also, it is not just you and I who are speaking out. I cannot imagine how many survivors are on the Internet. Many of them are better known than you and I but that does not diminish the importance of our voices.

The more we speak, the more people will hear us. The more we speak, the more others will be encouraged to speak. It’s possible our number could grow exponentially.

A Really Emotional Week

Can You, or Do You Know Anybody Who Might Be Able to … ?

Survivors all over the world need:

More drop-in groups
A men’s group
A group meeting in European time
A 12-Step group

Techies, or almost-techies needed:
A person to add items to the GrassRoots website. Ready-to-go text – no editing, typing, etc. required
Somebody who can coach people who want to use ZOOM, make podcasts, make videos, create slides
Somebody to handle Q&A periods for Webinars
Or somebody who can write directions for these things, so that people can do it themselves.

If all of that sounds too hard, write a comment giving:
Your favorite kid’s book and/or
Your favorite healing book and/or
Your favorite healing song and/or
Your favorite something else.

Write and let us know if you are interested in any of these requests. If you have other ideas, great! We want to hear about them, too. Use the comment section or write

Thank you!!!!


RA/MC Panel at the International Trafficking and Social Justice Conference

We did it! We taped our panels, both of them. Now we can relax until September 22, when we meet again for live questions and answers.

Our time-slots are 1:45 and 3:15 on Thursday, September 22. 2022. Read more about our presentations, plus descriptions of all the other presentations at:

Please come see us in (virtual) person!  Survivors should choose the “Free Attendee Registration” option and remember to write for the registration code number. Register at

Also, once you have registered for the conference, you must register for each event you want to attend.


Pornhub News

In January 2020, Pornhub was the largest and most popular porn website, the 10th most visited website across the Internet (more than Netflix, Amazon, or Yahoo), and the third most influential tech company on society-at-large, only surpassed by Facebook and Google.

On June 20, the New Yorker published “The Fight to Hold Pornhub Accountable.” I haven’t read it yet, but it must be really damning. A couple of days later, the Chief Executive Officer, Feras Antoon, and the Chief Operating Officer, David Tassillo, left without naming their successors. The same day,  about 30% of its employees were fired with no notice. Their computers were immediately shut down, and all methods of communication were disabled.

Who says we can’t fight back????


A Really Emotional Week

On Thursday, we taped our presentation for the International Trafficking and Social Justice Conference.

I had spent the better part of each day of the week trying to find the latest version of my talk. This was no small task, as my computer filing system resembles my paper filing system, which consists of large piles of stuff all over the floor. Next time I write something that requires many revisions, I shall consider keeping a running list of the names of the drafts and where they are to be found.

Special thanks to River, Mary, and j., who read the text numerous times, gave really helpful suggestions, and listened to me read it aloud. I used their words verbatim in many places. Not only did they help make it a better presentation, but they also calmed me down.

Being a perfectionist, of course, I am dissatisfied. With the text. With my voice. With my gestures (or lack of them.) With my appearance. Actually, it’s not perfectionism, it is a resurgence of the lies they told me throughout my childhood. There is nothing like videotaping oneself giving the short version of one’s RA/MC/OA experiences to stir up old messages, old feelings.

Anyway, it is done. It is a big weight off my shoulders, and the last part, the live questions and answers on the actual day, will be easy in comparison. One cannot prepare for that!


Something else really hard happened this week. I don’t want to write about it because I don’t want it to be true. I also don’t want to make anybody else sad. But it is sad, and it is true. If you have been reading the “Update on Baker”, you may be somewhat prepared.

Anyway, Baker never started eating – he ate less and less each day. The medication his vet gave him may have made him more comfortable, but it didn’t do anything to combat the disease. That told us that irritable bowel was not the problem and that it was cancer. We had chosen to treat the most common feline bowel cancer, and it turned out to be one of the less common ones. We made sensible decisions, but we guessed wrong. It’s okay (no it’s not!) If we had guessed right, and he had gone into remission, he would only have lived a couple of extra months.

So Baker died yesterday, and I have been crying non-stop.

The wonderful thing is that this was an open adoption, and his previous person and I have become friends. We made treatment decisions together, and we were always on the same page. She is a wonderfully kind person, and I love that her name is Katt.

This week, Katt’s daughter and her daughter’s significant other came to visit Baker. They spent hours petting him and reminiscing. I spent time with them, then back to ZOOM, then more time. We shared vegan pizza. They sent me his baby pictures – he was such a cute little kitten.

Thursday, right after the taping, I spoke to the vet, and she said the kindest thing to do would be to help him die peacefully. I immediately called Katt, we discussed the options one more time, and she agreed that was the best choice.

A couple of days ago, I learned I had been exposed to COVID. So I was in isolation and could not bring him to the vet to be with him in his last moments. The three of them gladly took him in. My vet arranged for a ZOOM call, so I could sort of be there. I really, really appreciated her thoughtfulness, and it was great to see how gentle she was with everybody

For one last time, I saw how beautiful Baker was and how terribly thin and lethargic he had become. I knew he was surrounded by familiar people who loved him. It was all okay. I cried my eyes out.

They brought his body back, and we buried him in my garden, between Dakota (my previous cat) and where the sweet peas are in early summer. The header shows me covering him with flowers and then dirt.

Now all that there is left to do is grieve.


Upcoming Holidays

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/11 Full Moon
8/13 Friday the 13th
8/15 (?) Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 (?) St. Bartholomew’s Day

9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage to the Beast
9/5 Labor Day (United States)
9/10 Full Moon
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 (?) Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

July 29: Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party.
August 1: Lammas
Early August through October: Various preparations are done in readiness for October, the month with the largest number of celebrations.


You can find more information on the following holidays at: Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day
Beltane –
Mothers’ Day –
Fathers’ Day
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –
Lammas –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 –
Fall Equinox –
Halloween (personal)
Halloween (background) –
Thanksgiving –
Yule/Winter Solstice –