COVID Risk-Taking and Childhood Trauma

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Saturday, February 19 at 4 – 5:30 PM Pacific Time  n
5 – 6:30 PM Mountain Time
6 – 7:30 PM Central Time
7 – 8:30 PM East Coast Time
Sunday, February 20 at 9 – 10:30 AM Melbourne, Australia Time


Blog Entry Schedule

I have been posting blog entries on the 10th, 20th, and 30th of the month. Until recently, when it tends to be the 11th, 21st, and 31st (or 1st) of the month. Rather than fuss over such a minor thing three times a month, I have decided to post them on the 10th, 20th, and 30th, give or take two days. Permission granted to change my mind at any time.


COVID Risk-Taking and Childhood Trauma – U.K. researchers found that adverse childhood experiences played a role.”

The entire original article is at:

Is anybody really very surprised?

I have noticed that survivors who were used in medical experiments and those that were given drugs by injection are less apt to be trusting of the official CDC COVID information, more apt to be against being vaccinated, and more apt to feel that their freedom was being taken away by mask mandates, lock-downs, etc. They are also less frightened by COVID than those that have not had these experiences.

As one of my friends said, “I have done my time as a lab rat.”

I find this totally understandable. Rather than criticizing my friends, I feel grateful I did not have those experiences. I worry about them a lot. (However, I worry about everybody a lot these days.) In turn, they worry about my decisions.

I make very different choices. I wear N95 masks and am mostly self-isolated. I believe that Omicron causes more breakthrough infections than Delta or the original virus. I believe that even though Omicron is, on average, less severe than Delta, and many people don’t even know they have it, there still are plenty of severe cases and deaths. And I believe that older people and those with certain pre-existing conditions are more likely to get seriously sick than the young and healthy. Finally, I am 100% sure that I am no longer young and healthy. (I have five conditions that are counted as major risk factors.)

I can understand why, if I had been used for years in medical experiments, I would feel the same way as my anti-vaccine friends. I would probably fear that all of COVID was a wide-reaching government experiment and that we were being lied to right and left. I would probably think that some of my friends didn’t believe this because they had not broken their programming. They act like timid little sheep because they have been tortured in other ways, and those experiences have made them very risk-averse and afraid to the point of paranoia.

Admission: I see myself as being risk-averse to the point of paranoia. I am cautious, and that is great. But I feel I am ridiculously over-cautious, which is not great at all. It’s like I am living in an all-pervasive never-ending flashback, afraid of everything all the time, just the way I was as a kid.

Still, I’m a lot better than I used to be. There have been times when I was agoraphobic to the max. I had a useful mantra, “It’s okay. They aren’t going to gun you down – it’s bad for business.” It made me giggle, which weakened the spell. Another mantra was, “You are a grown woman with a charge card, a full tank of gas, and you know how to ask directions. You will be fine.” It didn’t make me laugh, but it was so obviously true that it helped in a different way.

When the agoraphobia was at its worst, I was so paralyzed with fear that I would be sitting in one room, unable to get up and go into another one. Nothing I said to myself helped except, “Oh fuck, just do it.”

I figured that I could see everything in that one room, that little space, and there was nothing dangerous. But I had no idea what was just out of sight. I could turn a corner and my safety could immediately evaporate. It had happened so often – how could I be sure it wouldn’t happen again? Over the years, the fear lessened, I don’t know why – Perhaps it was due simply to the passage of time. Whatever the reason, I am sure glad it’s better now! Not all gone, but a hell of a lot better!

This is a damned-if-you-do/damned-if-you-don’t situation. The abuse made some of us overly afraid of the government and underly afraid of COVID, and it made others overly trusting of the government and overly afraid of COVID. 


Back to the article that prompted those thoughts.

ACES means “Adverse Childhood Events.” In 1998, Vincent Felitti, Robert Anda et al. published “Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults.” This article became known as “The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.”

The ACES studied were:
physical abuse;
exual abuse;
emotional abuse;
domestic abuse;
living with someone who was mentally ill;
living with someone who abused alcohol or drugs;
and incarceration of an adult member of the household.

There are many other “adverse events” that can befall a child, of course, but these seven have been the subject of many subsequent studies. 

Here is the original article that set me off: “Associations between Adverse Childhood Experiences, Attitudes towards COVID-19 Restrictions and Vaccine Hesitancy: A Cross-Sectional Study.” Mark A Bellis, Karen Hughes, et al

Everybody over 18 in Wales with a phone was asked to take a survey between December, 2020 and March 2021, the period when all but essential workers were under lock-down. 36% of those people responded (2603.) Those that did not answer all questions were excluded from the study.  

The remaining 2285 subjects were questioned about their zip code (an estimate of socioeconomic status), age, and gender. 

They were also asked:
If they had experienced any ACES;
if had they had or currently have COVID;
and if they had or currently have: cancer, type 2 diabetes, coronary heart disease, heart attack, stroke, chronic bronchitis, emphysema, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, or asthma.

And their opinions on:
how trustworthy was the National Health Service’s information about COVID;
whether they felt unfairly restricted by the government;
vaccine hesitancy;
whether mask mandates should be abolished;
whether social distancing should be abolished;
and whether they had broken COVID restrictions.

Of the responders, 51% reported no ACES, 21% reported 1, 16% reported 2 or 3, and 10% reported 4 or more.

A high ACE score, poverty, and youth all increased distrust, feeling mistreated by the government, vaccine hesitancy, being opposed to social distancing and mask mandates, and breaking restrictions.

I’ll just give some figures for high ACE scores:
mistrust of NHS: high ACEs three times as likely as no ACES;
unfair restrictions: high ACEs more than twice as likely as no ACES;
abolish social distancing high ACEs more than three times as likely as no ACES;
abolish mandatory masking: high ACEs four times as likely as no ACES;
broken COVID restrictions: high ACEs twice as likely as no ACES;
and vaccine hesitancy: high ACEs four times as likely as no ACES.

It makes sense to me. If a child is mistreated or deprived, there will be consequences in adulthood. As an adult, there would be a greater chance of mistrusting others, especially those in authority. The only thing that surprised me in these results is that more people did not break the lock-down restrictions, even every now and then! I know I did.

There is something else that surprises me, and that is I continue to react with outrage whenever I come across an article correlating disease with childhood trauma. You would think by now I would only notice articles that find no correlation at all. 

What??? The cult is not responsible for Lyme Disease??? Or crocodile/wildcat/mosquito bites??? I am amazed!!! They lied when they said that they were all-powerful!!! And if they couldn’t do any evil thing they wanted, I certainly couldn’t, either. Not even by mistale. It is not my fault, after all.


Upcoming Holidays

2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/12 (?) Lincoln’s Birthday
2/16 Full Moon
2/21 (?) Presidents’ Day/Washington’s birthday
2/25 Walpurgis Day

3/1 Shrove Tuesday/ Mardi Gras
3/1 St David’s Day (patron saint of Wales)
3/2 Ash Wednesday/beginning of Lent
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day (patron saint of Ireland)
3/18 Full Moon
3/21 Spring Equinox

4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Palm Sunday
4/14 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Supper)
4/15 Good Friday
4/16 Holy Saturday
4/16 Full Moon
4/17 Easter Sunday

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups

3/17-18 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
4/15-4/23 Passover/Pesach (Celebration of the deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt.)

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices, and the equinoxes.)


You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Candlemas –
Valentine’s Day –
Spring Equinox –
Easter: personal (for background, see Spring Equinox) –
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve –
Beltane –
Mothers’ Day –
Fathers’ Day –
Summer Solstice (corrected text) –
Lammas –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1 –
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2 –
Fall Equinox –
Halloween (personal) – 
Halloween (background) –
Thanksgiving –
Yule/Winter Solstice – 

17 thoughts on “COVID Risk-Taking and Childhood Trauma

  1. Hi Jean, thank you so very much for this post. I noticed many SRA/RA survivors online that I know of and follow are very against the vaccines and do not see covid as a big risk. I definitely respect and understand how they feel and that no one should ever feel forced or be forced to get a vaccine. I also have my own concerns about the vaccines, I do think it can be a complex issue in that everyone has different bodies as well. I myself am very cautious of covid because I know too many people who suffered immensely from covid, I know those with long-covid, and I actually know people who lost even multiple people in their lives to covid, and many of those people lost did not have pre-existing conditions and were not over 60 even. It’s been very isolating for me to see some polarization happen because sometimes I do feel differently. It means a lot to me that you addressed this in a very compassionate way for everyone. I also have been feeling alone in feeling compassion for all opinions and experiences and your post made me feel less alone in that way too. Thank you! I really feel a weight off from what you say here.


    1. I think there must be many of us who can see both points of view. One of my unvaccinated friends has vaccinated kids. They don’t pressure her but urge she protect herself by masking, distancing, and not seeing as many people as she would like. She does the first two, but isn’t doing so well on the third. One of my unvaccinated friends keeps pushing me to read stuff that she knows I disagree with and I find that very annoying. I don’t flood her mailbox with stuff I follow.

      Thank goodness the new cases are dropping, and fast!

      I wonder if there are others reading, pple on either side of the issue, who can empathize with those that disagree with them.

      What infuriated me is when the disagreements get violent.


  2. Emotionaly I am more afraid of vaccine than of covid-19 but i have nevertheless vaccinated me twice. I don´t know why i am more afraid for the vaccine.

    Two weeks ago i probably got covid-19 (at last) and i suddenly got 39.3 C in fever. and collapsed when i was out.

    I was taken to hospital by an ambulance and the doctor thoougt that i had covid-19 even if the test didn´t show it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Erik!

      I am sorry, I just saw this. Are you okay??????

      Are you home yet? It’s reassuring that you can use your computer

      I hope it’s not COVID and if it’s not, I hope it is something that they diagnosed quickly and cured quickly.

      I am sending you love and wishes for you to be healthy again with no after effects


      1. Jeannie, thanks for the repsonse.

        I am home, i got home the same day.

        Well, i hope it was covid-19, because then i don´t have to worry too much about it anymore…

        Anyway, in Sweden it looks like the worst is over. The Omicron version was spreading almost explosive in just the days i got sick. The doctor was convinced it was covid-19, and i hope he was right.

        Omicron was much less deadly than earlier versions and now an overwhelming number of the people either have got vaccine, or covid-19, or both.

        And the latest weeks much less people are being infected. I think this is nearly the end of two sad, frustrating and dramatic years.


        1. Oh, thank goodness. If it was COVID, it looks like you had a mild case.

          The situation is the same here – the spike is over. A lot of the unvaccinated are getting more serious cases, so the hospitals are still pretty full.

          I think there will be more waves, as there were in 1918, but we will be tracking them and hopefully wiser! The 1918 epidemic in the US mainly burned out by 1920, when my only aunt died, with maybe a few little flares in the next few years.


  3. Fascinating. I totally relate to the experiments and fear and mistrust of govt and vaccines. I have felt controlled and powerless and like I’ve been forced to go along with everything as otherwise I would not have a job. I haven’t been afraid of Covid one bit. I appreciate you sharing both perspectives as I think it’s complex


    1. yes, far more complex than a few hundred words can indicate. I can see mixed feelings even in people who have no abuse history. And us? With all our parts with different opinions and beliefs? And our various experiences of torture and brainwashing?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Maybe some other survivors are not “afraid to the point of paranoia” of the government, but they are able to see that many if not most offiicials are the product of ritual abuse themselves and are under heavy mind control. That’s why they distrust them.
    Look for old videos of Bill Gates’ court hearings, where he rocks back and forth. Or the abundant collections of photographs of world leaders doing the devil’s horns, or other satanic hand gestures.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear – “afraid to the point of paranoia” was meant to refer to being overly afraid of COVID. And that is the category where I belong. I live alone and when I wake in the morning I wash my hands as if I had been out all night holding Kleenex to other people’s noses. I know it’s ridiculous and I figure it’s a feeling-flashback. There are plenty of reasons to distrust the government. All my life I have picked the lesser of two evils, never been wholeheartedly for anybody.


  5. Jean,

    I can relate to being risk averse. I struggled with agoraphobia and fear and still have parts of me that I am helping to deal with overcoming their shame about carrying fear. Re covid, I’m continuing to stay cautious, masked up, and staying out of risky inside situations because, while I don’t want covid, I definitely don’t want long-haul covid, which imho doesn’t get enough press and is causing some real problems for a number of people, including people with very mild cases of covid. So at my age, I’ll continue to be cautious, even if I’m the only person in Texas still wearing a mask 🙂



    1. Think we would still be cautious if we had had abuse-free childhoods? I think yes, but I, at least, wouldn’t be as extreme. After all, with my age and number of serious conditions, it would be foolish to be out clubbing every night!


      1. I hear you. I don’t know but I’d hope I’d have “healthy fear.” Just enough to stay reasonably safe but not so much as to keep me from enjoying life.. My gov mind control experiences were mostly around being drugged but I was also raised for awhile by a hypochondriac so I avoid drugs and research the hell out of prescriptions before taking but also am afraid of illness so another part of me encourages/pressures me to take care of myself medically. Not sure how I would feel if my gov abuse had been more wide-ranging and extensive. Everyone’s experience and recovery path is different imho and I support survivors in doing what is right for each of ourselves. Hopefully people who don’t take vaccine do what they can to protect self and others and don’t incite fear in others by perpetuating false info similar to that which was was forced on us by perpetrators using hypnosis, torture, and mind-control to try and keep us under their hideous control.


        1. I follow Youtube exercise videos. One move is “push and pull” – arms stretched as far as possible at shoulder length, then pulled back as far as possible, shoulders blades crunched. That’s my today’s metaphor for being raised with opposed belief systems.

          I learned early – avoid doctors, they hurt you badly, but go to doctors to make sure you are developing normally and that injuries are healed and hidden. I don’t trust them, but I want to know all their secrets so I can choose what works, avoid what is dangerous, and use their knowledge to heal, not destroy. Always wanted to go to medical school but chose an academic path guaranteed not to get me accepted anywhere. Ambivalence, anybody?

          These days I am hurt more often by medical stupidity than malevolence. I spend far too much time on research articles on COVID, cardiology, immune system disorders, new drugs, neurology, and, of course, cat videos. I took a statistics course as an undergraduate and again in grad school and have a son-in-law who is a statistician and that helps me assess all but the cat videos.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. That is a great metaphor re parts. I can ditto what you said re spending time on both research and cat videos :). Doctors don’t like to see me coming. I try to avoid older male doctors who are not people of color and who suffer from Dr. god complex. I’ve avoided several unnecessary surgeries and iatrogenic illness caused by inappropriate meds. Now just trying to help parts of me still holding/frozen in, fear from “back then” to ease up and trust that I am there for them. Always a work in progress.


  6. Hi Jean: I wondered why I just could not get the vaccine, it was against all the grain in me, against all my parts, against trust, against giving something that I did not know what was in it.  Felt like mind control all over.  I tried to explain it to my therapist, and she finally got it. Thank you for this article. I have had COVID two times, and have antibodies, and I have been unfriended by many, called names, I live on egg shells, and it has triggered so very much from the cult that I lived in.  I have pretty much isolated myself from so much.  Ive been called a murderer, I live in secrets (just like childhood), I live in fear of being “found out”, just like childhood, I live in fear of being in trouble just like childhood.   I am strong enough to stick to my will.  I will NOT get the vaccinne, under any circumstances.  Your article makes so much sense.  Thank you so much. Kathy H.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It makes me very angry that you are treated like that. Those that did so are ignorant – they don’t know that attacking somebody that disagrees with you does not convert them, it just makes them more determined not to give in. And do they realize it is cruel?DO they care?

      I hope you have friends who accept you and your decision so that you have not been driven into complete isolation and secrecy. My friends who agree with you at least live among people who get it and feel the same way. They don’t have to live under the horrible conditions that you do.

      I think you are very brave!

      Liked by 3 people

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