Memories and Ambivalence

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2
Fall Equinox
Halloween {personal) (background)
Yule/Winter Solstice
Valentine’s Day
Spring Equinox
Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox)
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve:
Mothers’ Day:
Fathers’ Day:
Summer Solstice (corrected text)


First, an update on shell alters.

I learned a lot from the three people who talked about their understanding of themselves in the comments section. Thank you!

What you shared has me 90% convinced that I am organized this way. I think it would be 100% if I never had a sense of being “me.” But sometimes I do, and sometimes I don’t. Can whatever is front morph from being an alter, a person, to being a shell and back again? That would explain everything.

The more I learn, the more questions I have!

I asked the therapist study groups I am on about their experience with shell alters. A couple said they found them to be very common, even the majority of the DID people they saw. The others had never seen one that they knew of. I think this is a testimony to how effective this type of programming is at hiding multiplicity.

One therapist said that shells could also be used as information storage devices, like file cabinets. I haven’t quite visualized how that might be, but I believe it.

Nobody knew of an article published in a peer-reviewed journal. Alison Miller does discuss shell alters in different parts of her two books, “Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse” and “Healing the Unimaginable: Treating Ritual Abuse and Mind Control.’ Look the book up in Amazon. Click “Look Inside” and then search for “shell.” (Searching for “shell alters” will get you far too many citations.)

Also, Svali has written a short article on shell alters, how they are created, and how they operate.


I have an unpleasant habit of waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to go back to sleep. I’m tired enough that I think that I am going to dose off any minute, so I don’t get up and do something useful, like the dishes, or fun, like playing a computer game. I lie there, minute after minute, wondering when exactly I am going to get to sleep. Sometimes I brood over something in the past that was unpleasant or something happening now that is even more unpleasant, like the coronavirus and its effects on our society.

A few nights ago, I was ruminating about things that had gone wrong in my friendships, and, to my horror, I noticed that I couldn’t remember the names of some of the people involved. Rather than start obsessing about whether I was getting demented, I wondered whether I really wanted to remember.

On the one hand, I wanted to know. I wanted to remember who had been in my life at each stage. With all this forgetting, my past looks pretty sparse, and I wish it were full and rich and projected on my mind’s eye in technicolor.

On the other hand, why should I want to remember all those unpleasant things that had happened with my friends? I really didn’t want to relive all those cringe-worthy moments. My nights would be much more serene if there was nothing upsetting to remember.

I also noticed that I had the worst of both alternatives. I remembered the icky stuff and forgot what I had liked about my friends, the sound of their voices, the times we laughed together, all those good things. I would prefer it to be the other way around.

It’s definitely the same with things that happened in the cult that I still don’t remember. It’s push/pull – I want to know them, and I want them to stay forgotten. At times, I had it both ways; I could remember and then forget all over again. I discovered this when I found some old writings and was amazed at what came roaring back to consciousness.

I think it is totally normal not to want to know all those horrible things that happened to other children, animals, innocent adults, and to me. It’s a lot easier to get through today without having that knowledge tearing me apart. How can I take pleasure in stroking my soft, friendly cat while remembering all the cats that were tortured and killed? How can I smile freely at children? It takes more healing than I can manage to hold both in my heart at once.

And yet, this is my life and my mind. Mine. All mine. I have a right to know what happened. How dare they erase my past? My past belongs to me, not to the cult.

I know very well that, when I do remember something, it makes me feel more whole. It explains things I have never understood before and reassures me that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am not crazy, after all. I grieve and then feel lighter and more open to pleasure and happiness.

Unfortunately, I cannot push a button and remember. It’s as if the memories decide whether they come or stay hidden, and I am just an observer, along for the ride. If I could choose, I am pretty sure I would choose to remember. Perhaps I am already remembering all I am strong enough to bear. I don’t know. But I do know I would like to just accept things the way they are and stop fussing about them in the middle of the night!


Upcoming Holidays

8/1 Lammas/Lughnasadh
8/3 Full moon
8/15 Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary
8/24 St. Bartholomew’s Day
9/1 Full moon
9/5 – 9/7 Feast of the Beast/Marriage of the Beast
9/7 Labor Day (United States)
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/29 Michaelmas/Feast of Archangel Michael and of all Angels
10/1 Full moon
10/12 Columbus Day (?)
10/13 Backward Halloween
10/31 Full moon (Blue Moon)
10/31 Halloween/start of Celtic New Year/start of the dark half of the year

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
7/30 Tisha B’Av (Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)

5 thoughts on “Memories and Ambivalence

  1. I know enough about what I don’t remember, that I really don’t want to remember anything more. I tend to wake at night, too, but I think it may be (at least in part) that I don’t need as much sleep as I get older?

    I had a lot of visual memory recall about 20 years ago. It was necessary to keep me and my son safe. It came without most of the emotional aspects of the memories. This was necessary so I would not have to go in the hospital to decompress. Had I done that, my son (and likely, I) would have been endangered. Now, though, I am safe and claiming my story/history. For several months, I have felt like the emotions are there bubbling beneath the surface, ready to start popping up. That, actually, kind of scares me. But I know I will get through this just as I have everything else. The worst is behind me. Praise G-d! He is how I survived.


  2. “Unfortunately, I cannot push a button and remember. It’s as if the memories decide whether they come or stay hidden, and I am just an observer, along for the ride. If I could choose, I am pretty sure I would choose to remember. Perhaps I am already remembering all I am strong enough to bear. I don’t know.” – that’s exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing


    1. It can be frustrating: I try to say, “well, that’s the way it is, and it’s okay.” When the memories first surfaced, there was no off button either!

      You have done a superb job handling your past, your symptoms, your inner organization. I’m so glad I can help support you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh, the long lllooonnnggg nights! Falling asleep is difficult enough but waking exhausted and not able to sleep just (pardon my French) sucks. When I was a teenager I fell asleep relatively easily. But I would wake up often at exactly midnight, terrified. Obviously cult related. So I wonder if these adult waking patterns might be rooted in some cult thing.


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