News About My Depression

*This is really positive news! Makes my heart smile. I hope some of you would like to participate, either as presenters or as part of the audience.

The Plural Positivity World Conference:
sponsored by Power to the Plurals https://powertotheplurals.com/
Five days of Inclusive, Online, Free, Recorded Sessions
July 13 – 19, 2020

Call for Presentations
Due dates: May 15, panel presenters’ recorded answers to questions
May 31, recorded sessions
Information: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hcMkNWcTNbpajqbzVr79QmSBgDZRGKafyCFumjrp2bs/edit?fbclid=IwAR0EXoOd4o3gif-GiSQEA2EWWhd66CeZ6bhcVY7-9FbpkMF85BXTdN42mgA#

* You can find more information on the following holidays at:

Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht
Beltane: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/
Mothers’ Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/04/26/mothers-day/
Summer Solstice (corrected text): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/15/well-this-is-embarrassing/
Lammas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/category/lamas/
August Ritual Dates: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/07/23/august-ritual-dates/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Fall Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/09/16/the-fall-equinox/
Halloween (personal): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/10/11/halloween/
Halloween (background): https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2011/10/02/samhainhalloween/
Thanksgiving: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/11/20/thanksgiving/
Yule/Winter Solstice: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/
Candlemas: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/
Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Easter: (personal): (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/

~~~~~~~~~~

I’m disappointed because it looks like I cannot use medication to treat break-through depression this time. All the SSRI’s interact with an anticoagulant I must take, making the drug much more effective. It would be very dangerous for me to start bleeding internally.

The only antidepressants I could safely take are tricyclics. Years ago, when I turned to them, they hit me like a rhinoceros tranquilizer. I slept fourteen hours a night and, when I finally heard the alarm, I fell asleep sitting up. I also gained a pound a day for thirty days each time!!! I watched what I ate, and it never was more than 200-500 calories more than usual and often less than usual. How could that be possible? Nobody has ever been able to explain it to me. It took me years to drop that weight. I’m not going there again.

So it’s back to relying on self-talk, behavioral management, and upping the frequency of therapy to once a week from every two weeks. It’s a struggle.

I hate how self-absorbed depression makes me. It’s “me me me” all the time.

I am still able to remember what it was like to look outward for much of the day. Without trying, I would notice the temperature, what the clouds looked like, what people on the street were wearing. When I talked to people, I concentrated on what they were saying without trying. I wasn’t checking my feelings every moment. I was in and of the world.

I wish it wasn’t so hard to turn my attention away from emotional pain. I wish I knew how to get engrossed in something other than myself on purpose. The best I can do is make a list of things I lost myself in when I wasn’t depressed and see what happens when I do those things now.

Another thing I dislike about this depression is that I am irritable. Beyond crabby! I was filling my meds box for the week and got mad at the pills because it was hard to cram them into the little boxes. Then I got mad at myself for being so impatient and getting angry at those innocent little pills that didn’t even have a brain. No wonder they couldn’t cooperate! I ended up being angry at myself for not being understanding and compassionate, first toward the pills, then towards myself.

I noticed that I am not in as much emotional pain as I was with most of my previous deep depressions. Perhaps part of the pain comes from holding anger in? Perhaps anger is an efficient distraction? Perhaps a bit of both?

Anger is one reason that I have trouble being around people when I am this depressed. I don’t want to direct my anger at them, say something hurtful, or just be unpleasant to be around. And if a brainless little pill can make me mad, think how irritating a real person with a huge brain might be!

Connecting with people I care about is push/pull. I want to see them and talk to them and feel close. At the same time, I want to stay far away and have nothing to do with anybody. Can’t do both at once, can I?

This, by the way, is a regression to childhood. I was a sad little girl yearning for love and seething with anger at the people who were hurting me instead of loving me. Those moments when I was totally alone, without a person in sight, were precious beyond words. Today, I feel relieved and safe when alone, just like I did in childhood.

One of the ways I said I would handle this depression is by continuing to do the things I would do if I weren’t depressed. Part of the plan is to stay in contact with people, even if it is uncomfortable. They have seen me through other bouts of depression, and they won’t ditch me this time, either. I’ll spend more time apologizing, but that’s okay.

Keeping my body, clothes, and house clean are other things I did without not much effort before. So now I am doing them and cutting myself some slack if I do them more slowly, less often, or imperfectly. Taking care of the cat is easy because he is so insistent when he wants something, but the plants sit there silently, wilting if I don’t water them. I like them, I just don’t like to water them. I water them anyway and give myself a gold star.

I don’t get out in the garden as often as I mean to. And although it would be helpful, I have not managed to exercise or meditate. That’s okay, though. Each day I can try again. And maybe one day the Feelings Fairy will swoop down from the treetops and say. “Oh, Jean, you don’t need this depression anymore. Let me take it away and leave acceptance and satisfaction in its stead.” I will watch her fly off into the horizon. She flies slowly because the depression is so heavy, but that tiny wee thing is strong enough to take it far, far away.

Can’t wait!

~~~~~~~~~~

Upcoming Holidays

May
5/10 Mothers’ Day
5/12 Armed Forces Day
5/25 Memorial Day
5/31 Pentecost
June
6/5 Full moon
6/5-6 Penumbral lunar eclipse. The moon will turn a shade darker during the maximum phase, visible in Asia, Australia, Europe, and Africa. Most penumbral lunar eclipses cannot be easily distinguished from a usual full moon. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-june-5
6/19 Summer solstice
6/21 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Annular solar eclipse. Visible from parts of Africa (including the Central African Republic, Congo, and Ethiopia), south of Pakistan, northern India, and China. Partial eclipse is visible in south/east Europe, much of Asia, the north of Australia, and much of Africa, Pacific, Indian Ocean. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-june-21
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St. John’s Day
July
7/4 Independence Day
7/4 Full moon
7/4-5 Penumbral lunar eclipse. The moon will turn a shade darker during the maximum phase, visible in North and South America, and Africa. Most penumbral lunar eclipses cannot be easily distinguished from a usual full moon. See https://www.timeanddate.com/eclipse/map/2020-july-5
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/30 Tisha B’Av (Day of Mourning)
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party

(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes.)

7 thoughts on “News About My Depression

  1. I am also struggling with a return of depression. I will follow your excellent example and attempt to be more proactive. Thank you for sharing. I am also trying to post some in my blog but am not getting much out there yet.

    Like

    1. Is it hard to write when depressed? I find it very difficult. If you can’t do what you set out to do, try and be kind and understanding to yourself. Maybe tomorrow you will be able to do something ele, and every little effort counts.

      Like

  2. Nice post. I am still struggling to lose that antidepressant weight. I do exercise because I have a large dog and we both love walking. I am depressed though. One thing that helps me is having a bird feeder and watching all the critters coming around. I think of you a lot and I hope you are ok.
    Briana Bee

    Like

    1. I don’t understand why it went on so rapidly and easily. Seems like an easy way to end famines! And I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to get rid of!

      I’m sorry you, too, are depressed. I hope yours lifts soon. Me, I am feeling a tiny bit better the last couple of day. We shall see.

      Like

    1. Well, thank you, Elsa! I was beginning to think that reading about my depression was pretty boring. Projection – I am bored with being depressed and confined to the house.

      Like

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