I’ve Learned How to Have Mixed Feelings

On February 9, I will be presenting “Ritual Abuse 101: Recognizing and Treating Survivors” at An Infinite Mind’s conference in Orlando, Florida. Therapists, survivors (including those who are wondering if they have a ritual abuse or government mind control background), and support people are all welcome.

Interesting reading and beautiful photographs: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2020/jan/29/amateur-stargazers-capture-new-form-of-northern-lights. The original article, for all you science nerds: “Citizen Scientists Discover a New Auroral Form: Dunes Provide Insight Into the Upper Atmosphere.” M. Palmroth et al., Advancing Earth and Space Science, 10.1029/2019. https://agupubs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1029/2019AV000133. 


Please take good care of yourself on Candlemas. It’s easy to forget it is a Satanic holiday because it isn’t in your face, like Halloween, and so it can be hard to figure out why you are having a hard time. Here is some background on the holiday: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/candlemas/

Information on other spring holidays:

Valentine’s Day: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2016/02/10/valentines-day/
Walpurgis Day: There is some information about St. Walpurga at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/
Spring Equinox: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/the-spring-equinox/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 1: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/31/the-feast-of-the-beast/
Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan: Part 2: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/03/20/feast-of-the-beast-part-ii/
Easter: personal. (for background, see Spring Equinox) https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/04/21/easter-blues/
Walpurgisnacht/May Eve: https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2017/04/20/walpurgisnacht/

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Boy, life can be a real roller coaster. Up, down, sideways, backward and forward, sometimes one direction at a time, sometimes pretty much all at once.

I’m still full of amazement from the Alaska trip. I’m also pretty amazed that I was able to post the photos here and change the header. What a gorgeous picture that is! Next time I am feeling technologically venturesome, I will try to use it for my desktop wallpaper. If that works, then maybe I’ll try it on the phone, too.

I’m pleased with myself because I’ve finished the handouts for the presentation I’m giving at the Infinite Mind’s conference. Just one final proofing and checking all the links, and it’s a wrap. I’ve calmed down considerably about the presentation itself because I have thought of most of the things that could go wrong and figured to how I might handle them. Now all I have to do is trust that I am inventive enough to handle something I haven’t thought of! Worst comes to worst, I can always say, “Oh, this is terrible! I don’t know what to do – does anybody have any suggestions?” That wouldn’t be the end of the world, would it?

Now here is a big downer. I have an elderly cat who was in pretty good health until a few days ago. His appetite was great, he was running around like a teenager, and he looked good. I was grateful for every moment, even the most annoying ones. Like deciding in the middle of the night that he absolutely had to walk in circles around my face, pulling my hair at every opportunity.

One day, however, he started to vomit a lot – a very lot. He’d had a horrible bout of pancreatitis four years ago, and it sure looked like a recurrence to me. That illness had been a nightmare: he hadn’t eaten on his own for three whole weeks and we had to force-feed him. At his age, I didn’t want to put him through that again. Preparing myself for the worst, I made a vet appointment and crossed my fingers.

The vet hospitalized him, did a bunch of blood work, and put him on IV rehydration. The blood work showed acute pancreatitis. The next day the vet called to say he was doing well and could come home in a day or so when he was eating on his own. It wasn’t that bad, after all. Otherwise, he was in great shape for an old man. Whew!

However, there was a second big downer waiting for me. That same day I started to copy his symptoms. I knew I was very attached to him, but did I have to be attached in that particular way? Yes, it seemed I did. After vomiting for four hours, I feared I too was getting dehydrated, and so I called my primary care physician’s office and talk to the triage nurse, who covers after hours. She said that it indeed sounded like I was dehydrated, and, before I knew it, I was in the hospital on IV rehydration. It was just food poisoning or stomach flu, not pancreatitis, thank goodness. I alternated between being mad at the situation and finding it hilarious.

I got home the day before the cat did, still feeling rotten, I passed the time doing on-line jigsaw puzzles and crosswords, watching videos of baby otters eating lunch, and other sorts of deep mental exertion. I also found that there are two non-profits where I live that are seeking foster homes for elderly cats. They will pay for food and medical care and even supply rides to the vet! If anything should happen to my kitty, fostering, under those circumstances, would be ideal.

He is home now, and he doesn’t feel so great, either. He lost a lot of weight, doesn’t have much appetite, and has thrown up a couple of times. At least he’s drinking water. We’ll soon see if he is out of the woods or not.

In the olden days, one bad experience would completely wipe out any number of recent good experiences. Life was dismal, always had been, and always would be. I could remember what it was like to feel terrible when I was feeling good, but I couldn’t remember what it was like to feel good when I was feeling terrible.

I am SO GLAD I can hold good and bad experiences in my consciousness simultaneously!!!!! I can actually feel happy and sad at the same time. I’m not sure how I learned to do this, but I did. Perhaps it was grimly writing gratitude lists. Even though I approached the task with a sneer, it forced me to think about the wonderful things in my life. I still couldn’t feel any joy, but I could intellectually see that life wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.

Perhaps it was two opposite parts of me coming together in a kind of subconscious integration. If so, that is pretty nifty! I no longer have to deny the bad to feel pleasure in the good, and I no longer have to give up feeling good to honor my pain. I can have both at once.

In the past, I could switch quickly from one state to the other, but I couldn’t be in both states at the same time. It looked like mixed feelings, but it really wasn’t, because my emotions were sorted into separate piles and not allowed to touch each other. Now there is only one pile, labeled “emotions,” and every possible emotion in the world is welcome to join at any time. Nothing needs to be excluded, nothing needs to be denied. There is no conflict, no desperate, “But what do I really feel?” It’s very peaceful.

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Upcoming Holidays

February
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/8 Full moon
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/25 Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras
2/25 Walpurgis Day
2/26 Ash Wednesday
 March 
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/9 Full moon
3/13 Friday the Thirteenth
3/17 Spring Equinox
3/17 St. Patrick’s Day
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
April
4/1 April Fool´s Day
4/5 Palm Sunday
4/7 Full moon
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/9 Maundy Thursday (commemoration of the Last Super)
4/10 Good Friday
4/11 Holy Saturday
4/12 Easter Sunday
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
2/10 Tu Bishvat/Tu B’Shevat (celebration of spring)
(NOTE: Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes. Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays.)