After the Triumph, the Crash

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Summer Solstice – https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/06/14/the-summer-solstice-lughnasadh-lamas/

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It took only two weeks for the euphoria of having made a decision not to drive to wear off. I felt – and still feel – that it is an act of self-care and that I am being grown-up and realistic and responsible. These are all good things.

I am lucky enough to live in a city with both Uber and Lyft. I am unlucky enough to find it’s a total hassle to use these services. Twice I have been stranded, and most of the other times I have been anxious about being left on a street corner. It’s not a lot of fun.

I was going to call my reaction backlash, but it isn’t. It’s just the disappointment of waking up to reality. Backlash, according to the MacMillan dictionary, is “a strong, negative, and often angry reaction to something that has happened, especially a political or social change.”

We know of that backlash first-hand because people who had a vested interest in not exposing child abuse (especially the more violent, systematic versions of child abuse, like ritual abuse and government/military mind control) launched a sophisticated campaign to discredit survivors and their therapists. With enough stories placed in the media, the general public came to believe that such things just don’t happen…especially in their back yard.

There’s another, more personal, kind of backlash. It occurs when it seems that a cult member is about to escape. Attempts to intimidate them into staying increase – harassment, physical attacks, threats to attack people they care about, attempts to get them fired or evicted, etc. We are living evidence that these tactics don’t always work!

And then there is the internal backlash. When you do something that is loving toward yourself, or when you dare to fall in love or make a best friend or get a fantastic job, another part of you freaks out and tries to sabotage your accomplishment. There is a lot of internal chaos, self-criticism, and attempts at self-punishment. That is breaking the cult’s rules! And that is forbidden and dangerous and you must stop right now!

Everybody on the outside supported me, and I didn’t have much internal backlash. Occasionally a self-critical thought flowed into my mind. I was to blame. I should have worn sunglasses all my life. I should have taken the early signs of arthritis more seriously and started physical therapy earlier. And eaten better and exercised more and smarter. (Not that those things would have helped me drive longer. It’s just that when I think of one thing I did wrong, I get on a roll and think of all the other things that I could have or should have done and didn’t.) Realistically, wearing sunglasses every time I went outside might have bought me a year or so more of driving, but there still would have come a day when I would have had to give it up.

Those internal put-downs are few and faint. Mainly it is just a realization of what a hassle depending on strangers can be and how much longer it takes. Also, even though the Internet claims that it is no more expensive than owning a car, it sure seems that way. I haven’t gotten rid of the car yet, so, of course, I’m still paying insurance and, since the car is seventeen years old, there’s no depreciation to factor in.

Yesterday, however, there was a real positive side to not driving. My best friend took me to Trader Joe’s. He said, “You don’t have to stock up for a month, you know. We will go again.” I thanked him profusely, and he said, “This is what family is for.” I felt so loved!

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day
July
7/2 Total solar eclipse. Visible in parts of South America
7/4 Fourth of July/ US Independence Day
7/16 Full moon
July 16 – 17 Partial lunar eclipse. Visible in South America, Africa, most of Europe and Asia, Australia, and New Zealand.
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/12 Mothers’ Day
5/18 Full moon
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/1 – 5/2 Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Memorial Day)
5/7 – 5/8 Yom HaZikaron (Memorial Day, Day of Remembrance)
5/8 – 5/9 Yom HaAtzma’ut (Israeli Independence Day)
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
5/18 Armed Forces Day (?)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

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Upcoming Holidays

May
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/20 Corpus Christi/Feast of the Body of Christ
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/24 St John’s Day
July
7/2 Total solar eclipse. Visible in parts of South America
7/4 Fourth of July/ US Independence Day
7/16 Full moon
July 16 – 17 Partial lunar eclipse. Visible in South America, Africa, most of Europe and Asia, Australia, and New Zealand.
7/25 St. James’ Day/Festival of the Horned God

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
7/29 Hitler proclaimed leader of the Nazi party
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)

 

20 thoughts on “After the Triumph, the Crash

  1. I am always amazed that your thoughts and feelings mirror mine. In this post, it was how when you see one thing you did “wrong” you then see so many others. I am learning not to blame myself for things that were out of my control, confess actual things I did wrong and not beat myself up for either. God has forgiven me for the wrongs and does not hold against me what I see as failures but were actually not my responsibility. Thank you for sharing. Everything you post touches me in some way.

    Like

    1. It’s the things I did wrong that bother me the most are those I did unknowingly because I didn’t understand the situation or was denying it to protect myself from something I did not yet know about my past. I tell myself that’s where I was in my journey, and I may have hurt somebody, but at least it wasn’t malicious.

      I find it both validating and scary when I see so many similarities to another person.

      Like

  2. I agree that the public backlash more often denies the existence of more sadistic forms of abuse. One of the reasons may be that in the more “milder” forms they could instead focus on trivializing the abuse. Like Susan Clancy, who wrote “The Trauma Myth” where she argued that sexual abuse of children often gives children a sense of pleasure, rather than trauma. One of the most known Swedish deniers picked up Clancys ideas. and argued that when someone remember sexual abuse as something peasurable the memories were real, but when one remember them as very traumatic it was false memories.

    It is impossible to triviialize severe sadistic abuse, so the only option for those who want to defend abusers is then to deny that it happened

    Government mind control, and organized abuse where people with a high social status are among the abusers , are very much denied, since admitting that such abuse exists would lead to dangerous questions about the society we live in.

    Of course ritualistic abuse, especially if it involves satanisn, is often even more harshly denied, since the questions about what society we live in will then be even more uncomfortable – if we accept that these things realy takes place.

    I think that the private backlash often have a similar logic.. It is easier to admit that the abuse have happened if it is less severe, involved fewer people, and less “bizarre” or cultic elements.

    And of course there could also be cases where the abusers are still seemed as a threat, not only due to programming but also because the abusers still are alive and well in the real world in present time. In that case it can be easier and more comfortable to think, or at least act, as if it may all have been some weird fantasy…..

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    1. I agree with everything you said. The more it violates our ideals, the more easily we deny.

      Unfortunately, abusers are very often not only a threat but actively abusing the person who wishes to escape. In such cases, it’s hard to be rational and guess what the best strategy is – and besides, parts are surely still programmed and believe the threats 100%.

      Also, I think that government mind control is more threatening to our image of society than Satanism. Satanism corrupts only one part of society, while mind control corrupts our entire government.

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      1. “Also, I think that government mind control is more threatening to our image of society than Satanism. Satanism corrupts only one part of society, while mind control corrupts our entire government.”

        Yes, bur the weird thing is that what is used to be called “Satanic Ritual Abuse” (i dion¨t like the tern at all, but it is commonly used) is more concistently denied than governent mind control. An example. You can compare the entries on “MK ULTRA” and on “Satanic Ritual Abuse” on English Wikiperdia. “SRA” is totally dismissed as something non-existent, while the existence of government mind control is at least partially recognized.

        Like

  3. Such a nice article and positive perspective, Jean. I too gave up driving when I was in the midst of my recovery. It only lasted a few months until everyone inside got settled down. So, I am fortunate to still be driving. I’m actually one of the safest drivers I know and many people have said they feel safe with me driving them.

    Like

  4. I am going to the junk yard next week, like your thrift stores Jean.
    I think you beat yourself up far too much, fyi.
    most of us do. more than we each realize.
    I want to say thank you, Jean.for being there

    Like

    1. Of course I beat myself up too much. It’s second nature! But I keep trying to do something else when I catch myself.

      Thanks for being my friend!

      Like

  5. For Jean or anyone else.
    I had come across a thing called re-parenting, whereby you become the parent for your inner self, that instinct part that reacts without thought. people often talk to themselves or think out loud, verbalizing.
    has anyone tried it? If not, how effective would you expect it to be? I know many different tactics were tried by therapists when agents began to break down and have flashbacks. What do you think about re-parenting?

    Like

    1. I do it all the time! It’s very soothing.

      I think that it isn’t something that you do for a set amount of time and then it is done and you can move on to something else. Good parents patiently repeat things over and over and eventually it sinks in. After a long time, only occasional reminders are needed.

      When I am alone or with people I know well, I do talk out loud, but I’d be embarrassed to do it in front of strangers. It seems to be more effective if you say it out loud but it helps if you just think it.

      Most of us had pretty sucky parents. With no healthy role model, we have no idea how to parent inner or outer kids. A book or a blog would be a good place to get ideas.

      Like

    2. I have done the re-parenting process. It WORKS. I had to get over my anger about not getting what I needed as a child, and I learned that I am a better parent than my real ones could ever have been. There is a lot of self talk and making time to connect with people who encourage and reinforce the things you do right. It’s so worth the process…
      Good luck!

      Like

  6. Thank you so much for sharing your life and thinking process. It helps me to slow down and think about why I react to things. Bless your family for being so kind.

    Like

    1. We all think differently. I believe that it’s helpful to see how we think and to sort things out – past versus present, “normal” versus trauma induced, etc. At least I feel saner when I have a handle on things!

      The most amazing thing is that he isn’t family. He’s my best friend for years and years. My family is all 3,000 miles away. I am sure they would be doing as much for me if they had the opportunity. When my daughter next visits, I’m going to suggest we spend a day at thrift stores. That’s the kind of thing I can’t do anymore.

      Like

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