A Huge Commitment to Myself

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Remember that two anthologies are seeking submissions:

1. Jade Miller is working on an anthology about the difficulty of finding a therapist who can work with DID or other forms of dissociation. Write her at thetraumasurvivorstale@gmail.com

2. I am seeking submissions for an anthology of accounts of forced abortion, sacrifice, or forced adoption of babies in a cult setting. Contact me through the comments section, rahome@ra-info.org or RA Projects, PO Box 14276, 4304 18th St., San Francisco CA 94114.

* The Plural Positivity World Conference is on March 30, March 31, and April 1, 2019.

Here is the link to the conference Itself: http://www.youtube.com/pluralevents

There is a panel which includes me scheduled for 
Sunday, March 31, 2019 10 AM – 11:30 Eastern Daylight Time (1:00 – 2:30 Pacific Daylight Time) “Coming Out & Being Plural in a Singular World” – Panelists: The Crisses, Sarah& Clark, PrincessProto, Dr. Serseción, Jean Riseman

My interview is on Sunday, March 31 at 1:30 pm – 3:00 pm Eastern Daylight Time (4:30 pm – 6:00 pm Pacific Daylight Time) “(S)RA Myths Debunked – The benefits of connecting with other survivors.” – Jean Riseman

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I have done something very bold. I, who am quite risk-aversive, to say the least, have made a three-month, twelve-hours-a-week commitment to myself. I’m doing this in the hope that it will pay off in terms of improved health and that I will not sacrifice all the wonderful things I get from the Internet, nor my sleep, nor my social life, nor anything else that is really important to me. How I will do this is not yet evident.

Some of you probably know that I have osteoarthritis of the lower spine which limits my mobility and causes me a fair amount of pain most days. What I haven’t shared is that I am getting tingling and numbness in my hands, which strongly suggests that my neck is starting go, too. Since I plan to live another ten to fifteen years, this is serious.

I heard of a chiropractic clinic that uses very gentle techniques to correct imbalances due to injury and subsequent changes in posture: changes for the worse, of course. I had tried going to a chiropractor about twenty-five years ago and was terrified by the spinal adjustments. Not knowing when to expect them triggered flashbacks and I was also afraid that they would worsen my arthritis, not help it. I tried two different practitioners and each time quit after a few sessions. Going gave me no relief, only increased fear.

I had to overcome my initial impression of chiropractors in order to make this commitment. I was told about the clinic and its approach and I read up on it on the Net. It all seemed very sensible. Then I made a mini-commitment for an evaluation and found I was treated with respect and that the approach continued to make sense. The people were nice, too; they enjoyed their work and believed in it and were open and friendly.

I had an awful lot to overcome. There were negative core beliefs from childhood that argued strongly against my availing myself of this opportunity.

I think lots of people can relate to the feeling that I’m not worthy and I don’t deserve this. I can see that other people are deserving of care but I get uncomfortable when it’s pointed out that I do, too. After all, I wasn’t raised to see myself as just as good as others, just as entitled to having my physical and emotional needs met. I was raised to see myself as a tools of others with no intrinsic worth. If it pleased others to see a pretty little girl I was bought pretty clothes and if it pleased them see me filthy dirty and shaking with fear they made sure I was filthy and terrified.

Today I know better intellectually, but that early belief surfaces at times and gets in the way of taking care of myself. Even after years and years of challenging those teachings and coming to understand why I considered myself worthless and forgiving myself for having swallowed their lies, those core beliefs still sometimes show themselves.

There’s another barrier to accepting help for physical problems, especially those that cause pain. You see, the members of cult I was abused in were very pious. Pain was considered an offering to Satan, just as being moral and praying and helping others is a way of pleasing God in Christian churches. If you tried to get rid of pain, it was an insult to Satan, like shoplifting or having sex outside of marriage is considered a sin by Christians. I learned to bear pain stoically, without complaint, and even, at times, to welcome pain or seek it out. I’m going completely against my upbringing by trying to slow down the progression of the arthritis and diminish the amount of pain I live with.

Working hard and spending good money and lots of time every day for three months to avoid pain? The old tape says that Satan is not going to be pleased one little bit. I should be terrified. I should make sure I sabotage the treatment and get worse, not better. I should…I should….but I won’t. I’ve made the commitment and I am going to keep it. It will be a great adventure!

Upcoming Holidays

April
4/1 April Fool´s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/14 Palm Sunday
4/19 Full moon
4/19 Good Friday
4/20 Holy Saturday
4/21 Easter Sunday
4/26 Grand Climax/De Meur
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
5/1 Beltane
5/12 Mothers’ Day
5/18 Full moon
5/18 Armed Forces Day
5/27 Memorial Day
June
6/9 – 6/10 Pentecost
6/16 Father’s Day
6/17 Full moon
6/21 Summer solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve

Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
4/19 – 4/27 Passover/Pesach (Deliverance of the Jewish people from slavery in Egypt)
4/20 Hitler´s actual birthday
4/21 Hitler’s alternative birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday and half-birthday on 4/20 and his actual birthday and half-birthday on Easter of the current year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/1 – 5/2 Yom HaShoah (Holocaust Memorial Day)
5/7 – 5/8 Yom HaZikaron (Memorial Day, Day of Remembrance)
5/8 – 5/9 Yom HaAtzma´ut (Israeli Independence Day)
5/8 V-E Day (Victory in Europe, WW2)
(NOTE: Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark

8 thoughts on “A Huge Commitment to Myself

    1. Frida, welcome.

      I’m sorry about your chronic pain, but, sadly, not at all surprised. I blogged about it here at a couple of times because I, too, have had chronic pain of one sort or another for about 50 years. It would be hard to deal with if it were, say, a sports injury, but to know that it’s a result of my childhood abuse makes it even harder.

      Off the subject, I admire your courage in introducing yourself as an MKUltra survivor.

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  1. Hopefully you will see the benefits of this treatment early on. It may come in small increments, but if you can focus on that you’ll do well. And I really identify with what you said about pain and Satan. Good Luck to you!

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    1. Thank you! I had my first treatment yesterday and didn’t wig out. Three different people worked on me and so I gave my little flashback intro three times. So pleased I’ve pared it down to the essentials and it takes less than a minute! I am very self-conscious now about how I sit and stand and I think that is a real good thing because I can start creating new muscle memory immediately.

      It makes me sad that you can relate to what I said because that means you went through the same damn thing. Sometimes I wish I could have been the only one.

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  2. I identify with those beliefs about pain. I haven’t linked it to the cult before. It’s like I learn from pain. I have a high tolerance to pain too. I think it’s great you are making this commitment to yourself.

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    1. Pain is complicated to figure out, IMO. There are all the societal beliefs – men don’t complain, women exaggerate, etc etc. Or it is all in your head, you are just trying to get attention or to get drugs, etc etc and more etc.

      And then there is general abuse and specific ritual abuse messages and messages from specific ritual abuse groups. It’s not simple to unravel all the threads.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jean, I detect some healing and growth, despite all that still resides in you. You have picked a good strategy, too. Its no small accomplishment.

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