* In case you didn’t notice, the ritual calendar has been updated and the 2019 version is now available.
* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”
* You might miss this, as it is down at the bottom of the post. 1/20 – 1/21 Total lunar eclipse. (Super Blood Wolf Moon) Visible in all of North and South America and partially visible in Europe. See https://www.space.com/42830-supermoon-blood-moon-total-lunar-eclipse-2019.html The first moon the year is called the Wolf Moon because wolves howl at the moon with hunger. For information on Super Blood Moons, see https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-september-28-2015-super-blood-moon-full-eclipse/
I was thinking how anger often masks sadness. If I am feeling angry and manage to stay with my feelings without acting on them in any way, I eventually feel the anger cracking. Tears start running down my face. I feel so hurt and sad that somebody could treat me like that – it’s painful in a way that anger is not.
I feel very vulnerable when I express my sadness. If I dare to let anybody know, I fear I will be hurt again. If I have been unable to protect myself in the past and “allowed” myself to be hurt, others will know and take advantage of my weakness. At times I am so afraid that I shake. It is far safer to show anger because anger can frighten people and make them stay away.
Either way, it is lonely, but anger provides a rush that makes me feel energized and gives me the hope that I can control others and prevent them from hurting me. As long as that adrenaline is flowing, I feel safe and protected.
At the same time, my anger frightens me. I am not sure I can control it. It could go beyond protecting me into attacking others tooth and nail. It’s tricky. Too little anger and nobody would take me seriously. Too much and I might do real harm. I don’t like destruction and I do not want to kill or maim somebody or throw furniture around wantonly.
I know that these are old, old feelings. My anger, at best, could hurt somebody’s feelings. My body is no longer in shape to toss furniture around the room or do serious physical damage to a person. Rationally, I have nothing to fear from my anger, but not all of me knows that. Anger sure talks a good line, though! It’s got me fearing it could destroy the entire city.
Sadness – what am I sad about? Mainly death. The deaths of animals and children in the cult. Deaths in my family before we could resolve anything. Deaths of so many survivors, so many friends. The passing of still another year and knowing very few more are left to me.
I’m sad about lesser things, too. The cat I had to give away because he started to act viciously toward my other cat. The fact that it is raining and I cannot go do things in my garden. (Except I am glad for the rain.) I broke my favorite necklace. And the list goes on.
Now that I know what lies underneath my anger, I get angry much less often. Its as if the genie has been let out of the bottle and doesn’t want to go back in again. Anger just doesn’t work very well as a distraction – I am on to myself. And that’s okay with me. My sadness can’t hurt anybody, and grieving my losses lightens my burden in time. I feel calmer…and more real.
1/20 St. Agnes’ Eve
1/20 Full moon
1/21 Martin Luther King Day
1/20 – 1/21 Total lunar eclipse. (Super Blood Wolf Moon) Visible in all of North and South America and partially visible in Europe. See https://www.space.com/42830-supermoon-blood-moon-total-lunar-eclipse-2019.html The first moon the year is called the Wolf Moon because wolves howl at the moon with hunger. For information on Super Blood Moons, see https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/the-september-28-2015-super-blood-moon-full-eclipse/
2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc/Satanic Revels
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/18 President’s Day/Washington’s Birthday
2/19 Full moon
2/25 Walpurgis Day
3/1 St. Eichstadt’s Day
3/5 Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras
3/6 Ash Wednesday/Beginning of Lent
3/17 St Patrick’s Day
3/20 Full moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
Dates Important to Nazi and Neo-Nazi groups
1/20 – 1/21 Tu B´Shvat (Celebration of spring)
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
3/20 – 3/21 Purim (Deliverance of the Jewish people from Haman in Persia)
(Not all groups meet on Jewish holidays. Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lammas, Halloween, the solstices and the equinoxes)
16 thoughts on “Anger and Sadness”
(sorry this is so long)
For many years I had no feelings at all. Then after I left home, I realized that I was always angry. It leaked out and burst out and drove many people away. I felt out of control. I did not dare to have children or even pets. My anger frightened me even though I didn’t physically attack anyone. Finally a little black cat needed to be rescued and I was the only one who could/would take him in.
I used to shut Buddy on the other side of a door when I became angry. Many times, he could hear me in the other room, in a rage. When I finally calmed down, I would open the door. He would always fall into the room because he had been leaning against the door, trying to get to me! It broke my heart.
Slowly I started to learn about the terror and grief (and more anger) hiding underneath, although it was many more years before I started to know even a little of the reason for my unbearable and explosive feelings. I was taught by a little cat, that I could control myself because he needed me to. Buddy only lived 8 years because he was FIV positive. But he saw something good in me that I still struggle to believe.
It is very difficult to write a comment that is too long! This one is NOT too long!
Your Buddy was truly a therapy cat. He gently led you where no person had been able to. It’s so sad that he had such a short life.
If you believe he is on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge waiting to welcome you, know that he sees how far you have come and understands that he had a big part in helping you change.
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Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I still miss him –and the three little ones that were born the same year (2000) Buddy died. I am so thankful for them all.
Thank you for writing this.
I think for me, anger (and therefore lashing out to others) is a defensive mechanism. Usually there is this massive fear bubbling underneath and the anger masks it.
Maybe it has got something to do with being vulnerable?
I don’t know, but your post has given me something to think about!
I think you are on to something, fear being under the anger. So maybe if you could guess what you might be afraid of, and then stay with that thought, the fear would bubble up and the anger would dissipate. Seems like it might be worth experimenting with!
As usual I’m late in responding to this- I walk around seething with rage all the time and I think a lot of it masks sadness. My way of coping is with food especially on the weekend. I’ve done this all my life. And I don’t want to let myself feel sadness.
Some people are afraid that if they ever feel sad they will start to cry and never stop for the rest of their lives. That’s not so, you stop out of exhaustion at first, and later you find you are stopping because it just feels “enough for now” and you can turn your attention to other things. I suppose you have been told this a zillion times! It must be awful to be that angry all the time – I don’t blame you for turning to food. It’s brave of you to keep sloggingalong!!!
I believe my long standing depression masked my anger for many many years. I tried to suppress it with substances and eventually everything stopped working. Sometimes when the anger comes up, my blood boils and I feel so deeply and pathologically enraged. I have turned to boxing and it has been so good for me. 🥊🤓 but I know there is so much more rage within. I still find it difficult to access. My default is sadness or dissociation. Numb.
“Pathologically enraged” describes it very well! Do you think you find it hard to access because you are afraid of it? Boxing is such a creative way to let it out!
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I find it very hard to access it. Sometimes it just sweeps over me but it it is not often. That’s when I realise how deep it is. How buried. Boxing is so good because the anger comes out super quick and then it becomes about breathing and strength etc
Thanks for this Article! For a long time in my life I never felt sadness or could cry. I just was stressed and angry if something hurtful happened. It took me some time in Therapie to learn to recognize the Feelings behind the anger.
It’s good to know you aren’t the only one, isn’t it?
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Oh, yes! Thats really important. That makes us feel a little bit more normal. 😊
When we are with others like us. we ARE normal!
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That’s a really nice view! 😊
Thank you for an insightful and honest post Jean.