Missing My Brother

* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”

* Background on Pagan winter holidays is at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2012/12/15/yulewinter-solstice/

* And here is a post on how I handled Christmas through the years. https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/12/20/ephemeral-equilibrium-another-christmas/

* Don’t forget that I’m putting together an anthology of accounts of survivor’s loss of a baby through forced abortion, sacrifice, or forced adoption. I am also looking for submissions from husbands, partners, close friends, therapists, or pastors.

You can ask me questions or send your submission through this blog’s comment section, rahome@ra-info.org, or PO Box 14276, 4304 18th Street, San Francisco CA 94114. And tell your friends!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve been in a funk for the best part of the last two weeks without knowing why. I didn’t think I was triggered, but one never knows. I thought I was just overtired from poor sleep due to pain from arthritis.

My new friend, Starling, and I meet weekly to discuss cult matters and life in general. We talk uninterrupted for ten minutes and then ask for feedback. I chose to describe my low mood and Starling said that she thought I was grieving. I talked about my Australian friend David, who died last year, for a while and then suddenly remembered that my brother’s birthday had passed unnoticed.

My brother has always been very important to me, as he was the only person in my family I liked or loved. We were close as children but grew apart as adults, mostly thanks to his extreme social anxiety. Then in 2001 he had a massive stroke which left him almost completely paralyzed and unable to talk. He spent the next eight years in a nursing home before dying of MRSA.

All my adult life, I had watched him slowly disappear and I had grieved the progressive loss of our relationship. And now he really is gone and there is nothing I can do about it. There are so many things I wish I had said to him even though it would have made him uncomfortable. I hope he knew how much I cared about him and how sad I was – and am – that his life was so hard.

One didn’t talk about important things in our family. It just wasn’t done. We pretended that unimportant things were important, things like the kind of clothes you wore or whether you went to a fancy school. Or table manners. You wouldn’t believe the amount of energy my parents put into criticizing our table manners. All this attention to trivia masked the family secrets.

By then, I was talking a little more freely about real things and so disclosed the ritual abuse to him. He said, “I am sorry I can’t help you. I have no memories.” But he didn’t reject me or think I was crazy. Under the shock of having me disclose, he leaked some information. He told me that the reason he couldn’t look people in the eye was that he saw a knife in their eye and blood. Tell me that is not a cult memory trying to push up to the surface! He never wanted to hear anything about my abuse after that. It was too much, and his defenses tightened up.

I am sorry he never had a chance to remember and to feel the relief of knowing what actually happened, knowing that his symptoms made sense and were not his fault. I sometimes irrationally feel that I prevented him from remembering, that I magically took all the memories and all the healing and left him with nothing.

But it doesn’t work that way. It is a mystery why one person remembers and another doesn’t, why one person’s defenses crack and another’s stay rigidly in place. All I can do is accept that fact and be very sad for him, and for my parents, too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Upcoming Holidays

12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/22 Full Moon
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve
12/31 New Year’s Eve
1/1 New Year’s Day
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/20 Full moon
2/2 S Candlemas/Imbolc
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/19 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
11/9 Kristallnacht
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons, as well as some Christian and Jewish holidays.)

33 thoughts on “Missing My Brother

  1. When someone first suggested i was a special illuminati mind control system i thought bullshit how but all the symptoms programs parts and even prophecies are real. It’s crazy making like living in a movie. I even live on Truman rd cos they put me here….


    1. It’s bad enough with plain old RA, it did feel like living in a movie for a while for me. I cannot imagine how much more crazy-making coming to terms with Illuminati mind control would be.

      Have you come across svali? She was an Illuminati programmer and she posts a lot on the Internet. She has been free for a long time.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think that is a total repressed memory cos i can’t look. people in the eye and i know they do eye rituals. I am really struggling last few days since I’ve not dissociated in weeks and i can’t get away from feeling that all this was real. Its hard for me knowing i was programmed but not knowing how even though i do know how i can’t believe it or accept it. I have deprogrammed 50 or so programs and integrated so many parts to self but i still can’t believe myself. Man it’s like a merry go round


    1. I know what you mean! It’s like believing it 100% and not believing it 100%. It’s crazy-making for me!

      If you ever figure out those eye-rituals, I’d be grateful if you could share them.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Phoenix, you should be aware that Daniel Ryder’s ( a pseudo-name) book, “Breaking the Circle of Satanic Ritual Abuse” says that MK patients sub-conscious will slowly allow the conscious mind to get an idea of what is coming next for memories. Its a very cheap book used. Its excellent. Also your feelings and experience will be affected. You might say that life throws triggers, but in general, the mind works back into time, bring the most recent traumas out and progress backward. So what is buried and slowly coming to the surface will be hinted at in dreams and visions/flashbacks.
      Arthur Janov Ph D now deceased, known for his 1970 book, The primal scream, would often recognize what patients were relating to him as a sign of things to come.
      this is why therapists could guide a patient toward a feeling but then would risk being accused of “implanting” false memories, a total lie of the CIA.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree that something about to surface gives hints of itself through dreams, mini-flashbacks, feelings. They aren’t always the most recent things, though. Sometimes it goes from easiest to hardest. For example, I remembered being molested by a non-relative, then my father, then the RA stuff, then porn and prostitution, then the mind control experimentation and, the latest, how I was fragmented before the age of two. Sort of like training for a marathon!

        Funny, I read Ryder’s book long before the mind control memories surfacing and I cannot remember him saying anything about MKULTRA. I was nowhere near reading for that chapter of my life.

        BTW, lots of good books were written in the mid to late ’90’s and are out of print now. But used copies are often very reasonable.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. No doubt Jean, that the order can skip around. but integration will often require the latest, most up to date experiences to help the young mind be able to grasp the lessons of later experience and integrate them. The younger we were, the more vulnerable and unprepared we were. Our minds and bodies record everything so that at a later, safer time and circumstance, we can slowly integrate the experiences. Lots of things make sense to me now, that I never would have understood while young and inexperienced. The subconscious seems to judge our current situation and take the course it sees as the most helpful for the time. it our protector, though it identifies as being young, but it has great power, all the same.

          Dan Ryder’s Book also noted the importance of a support group, much like that of Alcoholics Anon support groups. fiona Barnett has an interesting video that I made a document our of, that I liked, too.
          I just Got Brice Taylor’s 1st Book, “Sunshine.” Its already interesting. she used alt names for people and cirumstances and so great behind the scenes into, as her later book, “Thanks for the Memories,” had


    3. Phoenix, its a very long process and its like someone taking a completed puzzle of a picture and taking it all apart. Every thing is fragmented and the solid foundation you should have gotten was denied and that only makes it more difficult. that is why support groups are very important, although online ones can be risky. Spooks love to haunt the net and support groups. but you seem to be trying and that is no small accomplishment. Most do not get as far as you have, already.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes it was very difficult. It took me about 3 months to figure out what happened it was all so quick. As soon as i logged online as Phoenix and joined one DID group a programmed multiple told me i was a illuminati system. From there i went to hell and back. The only help is not in this realm through people. Everything they did was to demonize. Get rid of that and your on your way to be free of oppression so healing can begin at the mental physical and emotional level.


        1. I hope you don’t feel *everybody* is destructive. Of course some people are programmed to stop others from becoming aware of what was and is being done to them, escaping, healing themselves, and helping to heal others. I also believe some people are not programmed but are just plain mean for a variety of reasons. But so many of us, in my experience, are loving and wish only for freedom and peace for their brothers and sisters on the journey to healing. That is what I wish for all of us here!


          1. Jean to be completely free from Demons the only help we can get is from God. That’s what i meant. As far as finding help in real life i got it through internet cos nobody in new Zealand was awake to this stuff. Now thousands are waking up millions around the world are. So There are many many people now who care about the things all of us have been through. The great awakening is happening. Millions around the world have found out about satanic ritual abuse.


        2. Well, one good Phoenix, is that There are some things in place with a fair amount of knowledge now. when MK victims first started to break down, nobody knew anything about what this was. That was very tough going, I have no doubt. and you got a strong character, too. I call it the luck of the draw. Its the way I feel about my life.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. Nothing. If people want to be deprogrammed with God then im happy to help them with prayer and deliverance and healing. I do this work online or in person. Im in Christchurch the mecca of ritual abuse and mind control.


            2. That’s ok. I had trouble finding any. That’s when i found you and others. We emailed a few times. You might not remember. Oh there was a thesis by Silvia pack but many therapists and help here totally denied the DID diagnosis. This country is the test nation for the new world orda so go figure. They don’t want that in the open.


  3. I’m sorry Jeanne.It does sound like he was abused also. I hope that you allow yourself to fully grieve his loss. I’m sure you will always wonder “If only…”.
    I certainly do. I have a sister who is 7 years older than me. She has lived in Soquel for many years and we have not spoken for almost 20 years. She’s very wealthy and powerful . She definately does not want me in her life. Funny, how our siblings can be different from.
    My best to you.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Briana. I can’t imagine not speaking to a brother or sister for 20 years, unless they were cult involved. But then I only had one brother and he I am quite sure got out – at any rate, he was not dangerous to me or to my kids. Guess in a way I was lucky.


    1. I thought these were going to be videos, but no, just old-fashioned words. Whew! Sometimes i get scared by videoa. I read a couple of entries and it looks very good.


  4. Jean, I really appreciated your posting what you did. it highlights a secondary problem of ritual abuse. The victims themselves are often not able to handle what happened to them. they remain victims forever and take their secrets with them. its their right to do so, but I don’t think it helps anything. But each person has the right to deal with their internal stuff as they so choose. Recovering from ritual abuse or any abuse is a matter of beating the odds. Some do, and some don’t.
    What I do note is that those who do, will need to feel some love, support, and a sense of safety at some point in their lives.

    Ritual Abuse is just about the most hideous thing that can happen to anyone. God damned Satan and all his sick followers.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I wonder, a lot, why some pple remember and others don’t. Sometimes it’s a choice, sometimes it seems not to be. I know my father struggled for years trying to figure out what was wrong with him, even going to therapy in the ’50’s!!!! That was not done back then. Unfortunately, he got nowhere, just as I got nowhere for 30 years. So sad.

      Thank you for your blog!


      1. I have a theory that just as the general population has only a few who see thru the evil in operation, I’ll say 5% vs the 95%, for argument, that those ratios probably are the same Ritual Abuse victims, too. I consider Susan Ford and Kathleen Sullivan as two best witnesses thru their books. the quality of many claimed abuse victims are at time questionable to me, at the least revealing nowhere near as much and Susan and Kathy.

        and by the way, it was the quality of your story that caught my attention as many MK and Ritual victims are fearful and some run from therapy. Your perspective was the loss of your brother. Therapists getting sue or losing their licenses for supposed malpractice due to a patient getting scared about what is coming up and out deserves a lot more attention. Many non-ritual abuse victims also remain in denial. and your writing ritual abuse holidays is, good, too. I want people to know what is really going on. Your credibility score is very high as I see it. Glad to see you getting the message out.


  5. I’m sorry about your brother also. It is so sad the cult steals so much of our lives.

    I have 3 sisters and 1 brother. I have asked two of my sisters about being abused and they both denied it. I haven’t asked my oldest sister and my older brother as they still live back east where the abuse occurred. I believe they are amnesic to any abuse. But I know it is their journey to remember or not to remember. I can’t influence their memories.
    I feel very alone in my journey as far as my family is concerned. We never have been close. It’s hard to get close when I am considered the odd or crazy one.

    However I do have support …friends and therapy. And I feel validated reading everyone’s posts on this site and for that I am grateful and thankful to all!


    1. I think it’s not just a question of not hosing to remember. I think that amnesia is stronger in some people than others. My current feeling is that they were better programmed than we were. We are the failures!

      I can feel your sadness about your family. Friends and therapy are a wonderful thing, but it’s not the same, is it?


  6. I’m so sorry about your brother

    I never was able to approach my sister. She died at the age of 52, our mother was still alive

    I had always hoped my sister and I could have repaired a relationship after my mother was gone, but it was not meant to be

    Your brother must have suffered RA as well

    I’m so sorry

    Sent from my iPhone


    1. Thank you for understanding. Yes, I am 100% sure he was abused, too.

      I’m so sorry your sister missed the chance to have a relationship with you. She was young when she died….

      I know we can change *our* part of a relationship after a person dies, and perhaps, if their soul is conscious of us, they can heal their part, too. But it is not the same as seeing them and hearing their voice.


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