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Fantasies of Killing People
I was pretty sure that my last post on school shootings would bring up a lot. I was right. First I had a few nights with pretty bad dreams. Then things started to bubble to the surface during the day.
The first thing that came up was remembering sitting in the back seat of the car as my father took us on a road trip, eight hours a days for two days. It was pretty boring. I amused myself by pretending I had a rifle and shooting each adult we passed. I had to be really alert, as most of our driving was through countryside and I didn’t want to miss a single one. I never shot kids or animals, though. Or windows of houses we passed, either. Just men or women spotted along the road.
When I was older, through my teens and twenties, I would imagine killing somebody at random and covering my tracks so I would not be discovered. Again, never a child or an animal. (It’s not as easy to figure out how not to be caught in these days of surveillance cameras and DNA analysis.)
I felt no guilt or shame about these fantasies st the time, and I felt no anger, either. I did feel pride at my skill at killing and at never being discovered. I felt no pull to act on my fantasy; I just wanted to float in a daydream of killing people. These are my feelings, or lack of them, today, too. I feel no desire to have those fantasies again except perhaps to get more information about what was going on in my head back then.
I told my therapist all this, and she sat up straighter and said, “I have heard that before from other survivors.” The targets were always adults and sometimes her clients fantasizing felt anger at what adults had done to her as a child. Sometimes the anger was split off, as it was, apparently, with me. It made total sense, but, so far nobody has shared fantasies like this with me, so I felt it was just me being peculiar.
I have heard fantasies from adult male survivors of coming across a man hurting a child and either killing him, beating him up, or getting him arrested. These fantasies seem to be an escape valve for their anger and a way of compensating for their childhood helplessness. I didn’t make the connection with my fantasies because their violence had an easily identified motive, to protect an innocent child. Mine had no conscious motive. I had a mild interest in what these fantasies were all about but it wasn’t strong enough for me to start digging for meaning.
When I first remembered, I was bathed in guilt for not having suicided instead of hurting another child. I knew that child would just be hurt by somebody else but at least they couldn’t force ME to do it. And yet in reality they could, and I did. So during that period I had many, many fantasies of suiciding as a child. My favorite was coming into a ritual with dynamite, or having hidden dynamite at the site beforehand, and setting it off, taking all the adults out along with me. I made sure that the kids hadn’t been brought to the scene yet and so they all managed to live.
I took a break from writing this and played with the cats, letting one of them type. He said, “w34rer4,” for what it’s worth. But the writing spell was broken. Now I wonder why anybody would be interested in this – surely all of you have parts that are furious at what was done to them and want revenge on their abusers. Surely all of you have had vivid fantasies of revenge and connected the dots year ago.
You’re probably a bit bewildered as to why I am figuring it out this late in life and why it all seems bright and new and important. But that’s the way it goes for me. There are so many childhood mysteries and not all of them are fully understood, even if they are remembered.
8/26 Full moon
9/5 Labor Day
9/5 – 9/7 Marriage to the Beast (Satan)
9/7 Feast of the Beast
9/22 Fall Equinox
9/24 Full Moon
10/13 Backwards Halloween
10/24 Full Moon
10/31 Halloween/Samhain/All Hallow’s Eve/ Hallomas/ All Souls Day/Start of the Celtic new year.
11/1 All Saints’ Day
11/22 US Thanksgiving
11/23 Full Moon
12/21 Yule/Winter Solstice
12/22 Full Moon
12/24 Christmas Eve
12/25 Christmas Day
12/31 New Year’s Eve
Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
9/1 N Start of WW2
10/12 Hitler’s half birthday
10/15 Death of Goering
10/16 Death of Rosenburg
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)