* Detailed instructions for making comments are in “News Items.”
* A reader wants to know if anybody else was married to the beast. You can post it under “Feast of the Beast” or here if you prefer.
* Also, does anybody know how to get through a flashback when you have been stuck in it for months?
*I’m looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting for submissions for an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused this way, could you spread the word and tell all your survivor friends and therapists or pastors you know about the project? They can write me at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information. Thank you so much!
Beltane is coming up, and I feel I should write about it. But I’m working on a Beltane memory and am very jittery. I don’t want to get out of this space by writing about it yet. I therefore refer you to “Beltane” at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2013/04/28/beltane/ This entry is historical. “Beltane Blues” at https://ritualabuse.wordpress.com/2014/05/10/beltane-blues/, however, is an essay on self-forgiveness by a man I have known since 1993.
Making Anna Proud
I’m a fan of Anna Kunnecke, who is an online life coach. I haven’t been a client of hers, but she throws out free useful little things to do to get your life going more smoothly. And I think she is hilarious.
I’m quoting part of her latest blog post – you can see all of it at http://declaredominion.com/2018/04/13/are-you-actually-just-a-wimp/
Now, every year I have a terrible times with taxes. It’s so bad that some years I have said that the Ides of April are a cult holiday. It’s a meeting of three fears: authority, money, and the post office. (I imagine not everyone shares my fear of post offices – if you do, I would love to hear if you have figured out what it is all about. The only thing I have remembered is my mother telling me that if I didn’t behave, she would put a stamp on me and mail me. Where? She didn’t say. I didn’t speculate, I don’t think. But I did imagine being stuffed into a mail box.)
So, convergence of phobias. Fear of envelops. Fear of writing a check. Fear of addressing an envelop. Fear of putting the check into it and sealing it. Oh! I almost forgot the stamp. And worst of all, fear of actually mailing it.
When the taxes were over and done with and mailed, I was relieved, pleased with myself, maybe even proud. I mailed them two days early so I didn’t have to worry about them putting me in prison because they were late. I neglected to worry about going to prison for making a mistake and that was very nice.
I planned on giving myself some sort of treat, but forgot to. Oh well, perfection eludes me still.
That very day, Anna sent out her weekly email. She’s addressing last year’s me, who scolded myself for still being stuck with all these stupid anxiety-provoking, procrastination-provoking phobias. Here’s what she said, edited down a bit.
“It’s a little bit like the way that my family is about airports. We have, collectively, spent about 4,000 years in airports – dropping each other off, picking each other up, saying hello, saying goodbye – and instead of being blasé about the whole thing, it’s as though the emotions just grow bigger each time. It’s as if every painful goodbye wells up in me every time I say goodbye, and it gets harder, not easier. We dread these airport partings so much that we have moved to a strict curbside drop-off policy, quick and clean, love-you-bye-kiss-wave-drive away-and-cry.
“We talk about this amongst ourselves, how instead of getting easier it seems to get harder, and how that doesn’t make any sense.
“But it does make sense. Because we are humans, and we remember things. Our minds, sometimes, imperfectly – but our bodies remember.
“So here is the whole reason I am telling you all this.
“If there is something in your life that is hard for you, and every time it comes up you think, THIS SHOULD BE EASIER BY NOW WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, this is your permission slip to knock that shit right off.
“Give yourself some grace, instead.
“Give yourself some kindness.
“Give yourself a fucking break, okay?
“Some things are harder, even for powerhouses.
“Maybe calling the insurance company is really hard for you, but you’re amazing at being with people in unbearable grief. Maybe dealing with your ex leaves you shaken and hollow-eyed, but you can wrangle a gnarly tax return like a superhero. Maybe you’re basically a total boss about EVERYTHING…unless your stepmom calls.
“We’re all strong in some areas, and we have some things that still reduce us to puddles of melting jello.
“Just be kind to the melting jello that is you.
“It is not the only part of you. It is just a part of you that is reminding you to be human. And human is messy. But human is also sweet.
“So here’s the deal. When I’m a mess this week, I’m going to be kind to myself.
“And when you’re a mess this week, you’re going to be kind to YOURSELF.
I silently say, “Yup, Anna, deal. You’d be proud of me for being kind to my yearly April 15 puddle of jello. And right now I’ll try and not put myself down for not remembering,after all this damn time, all of those horrible things that happened at Beltane.
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects}
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
6/17 Fathers’ Day
6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon
Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/20 Hitler’s birthday
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)