Another Chorus in My Life’s Song

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* I’m looking for people who have been used as breeders in a cult setting to contribute to an anthology I hope to put together. Even if you have not been abused in this way, could you spread the word? Tell all your survivor friends and any therapists or pastors you know who work with survivors about the project and ask them to tell others about it, too. They can write me at rahome@ra-info.org for more information. Thank you so much!

* Satanic and Neo-Nazi holidays in April, May, and June are at the bottom of this post.

Another Chorus in My Life’s Song

Sounds better than “Old Tapes” doesn’t it?

That line came to me as I was trying to go to sleep the other night. I was lying in bed thinking of all the clueless and stupid things I had done or said over the years. Of course every time you think of something you strengthen the memory, and then it is easier to think of it again. “Don’t think of a purple rhinoceros or what you said to Jane in seventh grade.” Guess what you are immediately going to think of?

So the sensible thing would have been to think of something else.

I, being a sensible person at heart, tried telling myself to think of something pleasant. Like…. But I couldn’t think of anything pleasant. Then I was off and running again, thinking how dumb it was that I couldn’t think of a single pleasant thing even though I knew there were plenty of pleasant things in my life, past and present. Also plenty of pleasant things to think of that weren’t part of my life, like….. Nothing came to mind. Total dead end.

Bitterly, I thought, “Just another chorus in my life’s song.” And that broke the spell! I fell asleep thinking of verses to go with that chorus. And, when you come right down to it, it is pleasant to create a song, even if you don’t remember it the next day.

The phrase itself isn’t either pleasant or unpleasant. It isn’t judgmental or critical or a phony affirmation that makes me feel dishonest and shallow. Can’t tell if it is either true or false. No value judgement in it.

The next day, when I was rested and thinking more clearly, I realized I had given a name to the process I was going through. That’s akin to a meditation technique I used to use a lot. When a thought came unbidden to mind, I would say, “thought” and turn my attention back to breathing and silently saying my mantra of the day. Same thing with emotions or sensations – I just gave them a name and redirected my attention. They floated away and dissipated like wispy clouds.

Once, when I was highly suicidal, I did sensible things like give my best friend all my kitchen knives to hold for me and promised to talk to him before making an attempt. It wasn’t enough, though, and I still had to fight the urges several times an hour.

So I started saying, “programing” to myself any time I thought of ways to off myself. The urges became less frequent and less intense, and after about three days they had gone completely. I was very aware of how often I said “programing” and appalled at how wracked I was with thought of killing or maiming myself. It was easier to remember the name of the process than the content of the program that had been kicked up. I was emotionally exhausted at the end, but felt clean and peaceful.

Naming the process is, for me, a powerful tool in handling any situation. Just wish I could remember to use it more often!

 

Upcoming Holidays

April
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects)
4/29 Full Moon
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
May
  
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon
June
6/17 Fathers’ Day

6/21 Summer Solstice
6/23 Midsummer’s Eve
6/23 St John’s Eve
6/28 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. His alternate birthday is 4/1 this year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
5/8 V-E Day: Victory in Europe, WW2
6/6 D-Day: invasion of France in WW2
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

3 thoughts on “Another Chorus in My Life’s Song

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