My Brain is Wired to Forget

Everybody has ways of defending themselves against thoughts or feelings that are just too hard to face. Know anybody who says, “Oh, it’s nothing,” when it really is a pretty big deal – like an abcessed tooth, for example? Or “I don’t really feel sad,” when a pet dies? That’s minimizing, a defense that allows you to feel calm instead of flooded by strong feelings.

It’s normal to have defenses. And it is also normal for a person to have one or two ways of defending themselves that they use a lot more than others. Favorite defenses, defenses to turn to automatically every time the going gets tough.

The more a defense is used, the more it becomes “wired” in the brain, and this happens pretty early in childhood. In other words, the kid’s brain thinks, “Well, it worked last time, let’s try it this time.” If it works often enough, it gets used over and over. If it doesn’t work, it loses its appeal and doesn’t get chosen very often.

My go-to defense is forgetting. I was carefully and systematically taught to forget what happened in cult settings. I was taught not to speak to outsiders about anything that happened because it was none of their business. I was threatened with harm to myself, my pets, or my brother if I remembered and told somebody and I was also hypnotized to forget. Anybody ever heard the phrase “Remember to forget and forget to remember?”

I learned very well how to forget. To the best of my knowledge I told nobody until my early fifties – and when I say nobody, that includes myself. I was totally amnesic for what happened back then.

Besides serving the cult well, my skill at forgetting protected me most of the time against constant terror, fear, and guilt. I couldn’t have strong feelings about what I didn’t know. Instead, those feelings were dampened and displaced onto other things. But forgetting spread out over innocuous things, too. I no longer forgot “that:” I forgot everything.

Of course, everybody forgets to some extent. Things they stop using, like algebra, fade out and make room for more useful things, like how to use email. But I experience that in spades. In school, after I took the final exam, the course material rapidly faded until in a few months it was as if I had never taken the course.

I lived in a house for twenty-five years starting in my late twenties. Now I am driving myself nuts trying to remember details. Where did I store the towels? The dog food? Who did we give the purple couch to? What did we sit on before we got the purple couch, and what happened to that first couch or those first chairs, if there was no couch?

I knew a man who could remember lots of facts, including a huge number of nice meals he ate. I imagine that his mind was filled with sensory details that wove a rich tapestry. And the pleasure he got recalling them! His life must have seemed much fuller than mine, even though I had more varied experiences than he did, to put it mildly. Knowing that this is possible for some people makes me sad because, when I look back, I remember so little that my life seems really empty.

I had hopes that dealing with the abusive events that taught me not to remember would free me up to remember more every-day things, but the results were temporary, for the most part. I’ve come to an acceptance that things may get a little better, but I can’t expect anything spectacular.

As I explained in a previous post, I went a little crazy fearing I had incipient dementia from memory loss. Now I have started to be able to separate my base-line memory problems from new developments. It’s reassuring to find out that not much is new. Still, I wish I were more like that lucky man. <sigh>


Upcoming Holidays

3/30 Good Friday/Death of Jesus Christ
3/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon: second full moon of the month)
4/1 Easter Sunday
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/29 Full Moon
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects)
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
5/1 Beltane/May Day/ Labour Day in Europe
5/13 Mothers’ Day
5/28 Memorial Day
5/29 Full moon

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. His alternate birthday is 4/1 this year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)



23 thoughts on “My Brain is Wired to Forget

  1. TracySRA asked me to post this:

    Okay, I am back trying to meditate. People say it will help me. I would like to share tonites attempt,,,,,,,,,5 minutes….my peaceful meditative mind
    And GO!

    Sit upright… back hurts….sit straight…but the cows stuck in all that rain water…….let the thoughts just flow thru……I can’t be a cow owner, they stink!…..Breathe in, and breathe out, relaxing your body……I have to get another balloon for Tux……..Breathe in……it’s weird what he likes …..yes, I remember when Chas and I ate our food in the food market on the display table!,……I love you Chas and miss you so much…….that Chinese balloon was cool….relax the body…focus…….and when you guided me up to the cliffs to watch the water fall…relax the scalp and forehead……oops, have to exhale…..Abs loved Chas, I think they were from the same realm. Chas was a starchild and Abby went outside to talk to Chas at first meeting…..the porch swing….cat, you can’t lay here…….breathe……no I’m pissed! Tux isn’t my ….oh what’s the word…no ,not soulmate……..Tux imprinted with …….this glass is so streaky….I hate feeling disconnected with an animal. Mogs was so cool, we were ……..connected….how am I supposed to wash this blanket with all your dam hair on it? Wash would be a …….I’m meditating, be quiet! Seriously! Who was that little one who talked…….no name…….Be quiet, keep ……forgot that one…..need the new toilet brush….my hair feels like shite, not like it used to feel….do a mantra……I am the something of the Violet Flame… da da da ……shit I can’t remember the words….I’m a loser…..won’t get far on the spiritual journey when you can’t have SILENCE! ….I don’t know if I should keep……I think the frilly hair wrapper things would be cool as necklace……it was Me….that’s who you are who can kind a calm me down?…….relax, listen for any messages from your spirit guides….how can they criticize when they don’t tell you what can be made…..this gluten and vegan BS. I make good ……Summer Spaghetti……yum I want some now….my fatso belly…won the bubble gum champ in grade school. Extra cookie n extra Coke. 2 years……blistering sunburn. Mom n Dad didn’t care I was so sick, they just kept driving the 2 hours. I don’t matter. How come they had me…..Breathe and feel your breathe, relax the body and clear your mind


  2. memories, forgetting and defenses-it has only been a few years that I have had any proof of mkultra and r.a. and my participation in such. when those revelations came, all the defences I had, came crashing down- it is said that the better the defence, the more total the fail, when those defences come down. I had to take mine down, so I could see the other side, if that makes sense…I hope that in the future, I will be able to sing, and dance, with out being overcome with emotion. I feel better now, knowing why,thru the years, I would get so emotional, seemingly with out cause. if it wasn’t for Jean, I think I would be adrift.Thank You Jean!!!


    1. Paul and I started writing several years ago. He is very grateful to me, but he has little idea how much I value his friendship. We are very different, we may not always understand each other, but it seems we are always there for each other. If two broken people can become staunch friends, there is hope for all of us to create, or stumble into, miracles.


  3. Hi everyone. Thank for the topic Jean, as it’s something I’ve been working on.
    I get sick every holy day, every one. It starts a few days prior and ends the day of the holy day or the day after. I got sick Thursday. I don’t have a brain for what day it is, or what day of the week. Presto,. we just had good Friday! I only learn of the dates when something like this comes up.
    This has been a pattern of mine for years! I never thought much of it.
    This time I thought I would give my alters a chance to see if they had any information.
    The only alter that spoke up was my buddy Josh. He had no reason but supplied me with a visual. He said there were hundreds if ‘people’ smushed together coating the inner wall of my torso. It’s piles of people tight together keeping “it” out, or keeping it in.
    Now I didn’t get anything more, he got upset when I asked the second time. Some of the other alters we’re getting angry and upset when I asked for more info, so I’m back to square one.
    There is no conscious memory of what happened during the holy days, it’s forgotten or the memory is being hidden from me.
    This pattern has kept me stuck forever. Maybe I’m never to find out. If so, they sure did a great job of screwing with my memory.
    Hugggssss to all

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had a weird reaction right now – I shouldn’t approve your comment because I don’t approve of what they did on those days. But I approve of YOU and I approve of your speaking about these things!!

      A note about your reactions to holy days — Satanists celebrate the night (or day) before, so when the actual day arrives, it’s all over for another year. Took me years to put that together.

      Your alters are doing a super job of keeping the information from you. How many it takes! How hard they are working, and have been for years! I wonder what, exactly,they are afraid would happen if they let you know. As I wonder about that for myself. What would happen if I did remember all those things I don’t now?


      1. Thanx for approving my mail!
        😛 !!!
        I have always reacted days prior to holy days! Then on that day, it’s done. You are so smart! I knew how it worked but don’t know why.
        I could easily put it to rest if I didn’t have the illnesses.
        I’m sure,( actually, I pray) I’ve uncovered what happens certain holidays, but never connected the dates. Maybe it doesn’t matter.
        But, it must matter if they keep making me ill around the dates, right?
        Those bloody bastards really knew what they were doing. They knew by mind control that they could f**k up a person ENTIRE life.


        1. I’m not all that smart. I was reading pagan books and learned that the Celts started the day at midnight and started the year at Halloween. That because life first stirs in the darkness, babies in the womb, seeds in the ground. And since the Satanism part is stolen from the Celtic cycle of the year, bingo, it all made sense.


    2. hey Tracy- I am holding hope for you, in my heart. little enough, i am sure, but knowing people like Jean are willing to take the time, sure fills my heart with hope, for myself, and everyone like us.


  4. Everything you say here. It’s hard for me to articulate my understanding of it. I retain nothing it seems sometimes. I too wish for the man’s memory you described. I’m so sorry for your experiences, Jean.


  5. I have two primary defenses that I have become aware of. The first is related to being told the phrase, “compared to what.” When I am having a “good” day and I start thinking about how I am recovering from abuse, somehow I start rationalizing that maybe it wasn’t as bad in comparison to something else.

    I will start thinking about other things I know people are suffering from and compare this with what I remember, and if I am not feeling pain at the time, it is very easy to believe that what I have gone through is not as bad as what I am comparing it to.

    The other way I rationalize things is by finding a way to blame myself. My dad told me that one day, I wouldn’t blame him, I would blame myself. The more I blame myself, the more reason that I have to want to hide and forget because I have believed that other people would agree that I was partly to blame too because of this. It was all very real at one point.


    1. yeah, I hear you. Sounds a lot like me!

      Taking the blame protects us from the deep grief at what others did and gives us some – false – control. If I am to blame, then I can stop doing xyz and the abuse will stop. It;s all so convoluted!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Great article Jean. I too forget, but have found many new memories that fill my life with joy. Thank you for your continued writing. They are always so inspirational and informative…


    1. well, thanks! Your words make my heart sing and I must remind myself of them for at least today to counter sitting here getting nothing done casue I a having great difficulties cropping a stupid photo.


      1. too funny… let the photo go for a while. Come back and you’ll get it right away! I’ve done the same thing and find a little walk around my house or going out to sniff the herbs I’m growing is a good way to let go of trying so hard… good luck!


        1. It’s the opposite for me. If I tale a break, I forget more things during that break. Often I forget that I had to do that thing I took a break form! It’s a miracle anything gets done around here. LOL


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