Never Bad Enough

I’m moving the list of holidays to the end of my posts, because I feel it gets too much emphasis if it is at the beginning. If I received complaints, I’ll reconsider.


On the first of January of this year, I wrote a post called “Never Good Enough.” I promised I would write about its evil twin, “Never Bad Enough.” So here we go!

The Oxford English Living Dictionary defines evil as “profound immorality, wickedness, and depravity, especially when regarded as a supernatural force.”

Applying this definition to the goings-on in my cult, my first thought was, “Now who in the world would want another person to be evil?” “And what is evil enough, anyway?” I’m still very naive! Or at least part of me is.

I was raised a Satanist, and we believed that “Satan is the God of Evil.” Human evil is a gift to him, a way of worshiping him, and it pleases him immensely. The absence of evil enrages him and wishy-washy evil infuriates him. When he is pleased by a substantial gift, he rewards the person who gave that gift with material riches and power.

Most parents prefer their children to grow up and be well off, or at least comfortable, in life. They are proud if they are respected, honored, and looked up to. All of these attributes are indicative of power. In that respect, Satanist parents are no different from other parents. In most other senses, they are night-and-day different. Other parents do not think they are doing their children a favor by torturing them.

Now I was raised a good little Satanist, taught to believe that I could please the God of Evil by being as bad as possible and thus grow up to have lots of money, respect, and power.

But just as there are some Christian kids who, deep down, are bored by being good and crave risk and excitement and danger, there are some Satanist kids who, deep down, hate being mean or hurting others. By nature, they are disgusted by destruction and sadism. It’s like they have an innate craving for peace and love and beauty.

Of course these kids don’t shine at learning how to be Satanists. When told to do something, they are slow and sloppy and have to repeat the lesson over and over. They feel like a failure because they are never bad enough. That was me.

Actually, it’s a double bind. If the kids don’t get it right away, they have to repeat it until they are bad enough to satisfy their teachers. If they do it right the first time, they are promoted into having to do something worse. One way or another, they are going to be forced to do evil things, over and over and over.

Yearning to be kind, yet forced to commit cruel acts, my guilt and sense of responsibility for those acts defined me. When I was in the cult, I felt I did not belong, because I was good at the core and therefore could never be bad enough to be a Satanist. When I was free, I felt I did not belong because I was evil at the core and the bad things I did could not be undone or atoned for, no matter how good I was.

Strange paradox, never bad enough to be a Satanist, yet always too bad to be anything else.


Upcoming Holidays

2/25 Walpurgis Day

3/1 Full Moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/30 Good Friday/Death of Jesus Christ
3/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)
4/1 Easter Sunday
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Full Moon
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects}
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
4/1 Hitler’s alternate birthday (Easter)
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

10 thoughts on “Never Bad Enough

  1. You caught me off guard when you Saud you were a Satanist. I never thought of myself as one, I was just raised in the cult and did horrible things.

    You write so well Jean. You always open a new way to look at things. Thank you.

    Doris, you state your learning to forgive yourself and accept yourself.. I am left without those feelings of shame, disgust and guilt. How did I do that? I just don’t identify with those words. Yes, I go thru sheer H ell when a new memory comes out. My body language, the alters voice and emotions while telling. I end up with a migraine and exhaustion.

    Did I miss something? Did I not do it right? Right now,, like usual, I feel like I’m standing outside of myself telling a disgusting story.

    Where are those emotions?…

    I’m feeling like I’m not doing something right…….


    1. Maybe you don’t feel shame and guilt because even as a kid you didn’t think of yourself as “one of them.” If that;s so you are doing it right, I would say.

      Whereas I did, I thought I had become one of them because of the things I did. I identified more as a Satanist than as an Episcopalian because I went to more rituals than I did church services. Now I think of myself as an ex-Satanist. But I also have so many other identities, it has become a little diluted. Writer, mom, grandmom, living at least half my life in chronic pain: I am much more than an ex-Satanist.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my, yes! Finally. Someone gets it. You cannot know how validating this is. Never belonging, never being understood within or without of the group, Only one person ever made me feel like they got me, until now, and she died when we were both seven, whether of her own choice or Theirs we might never truly know. Thank you.


    1. I’m sort of speechless. I didn’t think I did justice to the topic, and it turned out I did after all say something meaningful. Thank you for letting me know.

      For me, I don’t know how possible it is to change once and for all that belief I am evil now that I have a choice of whether to do good or evil deeds. I especially struggle with trying to be helpful and actually hurting pple. (Like enabling somebody, say.) It shames me.

      And yet, I keep trying to erase that basic belief.


  3. Jean, for what it’s worth, sharing all that you’ve come to understand to help other survivors heal makes you more than good enough. Thanks.


  4. Dear Jean,
    I was raised Catholic to the outside world but my parents also belonged to a Satanic Cult as did many in the Catholic church and the community. It was confusing trying to be a good Catholic and a good Satanist which is why I developed so many alters. I was told the sexual and physical abuse would not hurt if I were a good girl. So by Catholic standards I was a bad girl and by Satanic standards I was bad so therefore good, all very confusing.
    It makes perfect sense to me about not being good enough or bad enough. Through therapy and “safe” friends I’m learning to accept and forgive myself. All the evil that took place wasn’t my fault but it still turns my stomach and I feel so sad and sometimes still guilty. When I start feeling this way I have to remember we were just children, children who were abused and manipulated.
    As an adult I feel like I need to do something to atone for the evil done or help stop the evilness still occurring. I guess I am by sharing the truth, if only to therapists and other trauma survivors. At times…most of the time…it does not feel like enough. But I must believe it is enough… so the suffering all our little ones endured to keep us alive is acknowledged and appreciated.


    1. Yes! I was Episcopalian, which is pretty close to Catholic. Some of their teachings seemed to reinforce the Satanic ones. “I have sinned in thought, word, and deed, and there is no health in me.” It certainly was, and is, confusing.

      It comforts me that you are telling your truth. It makes me stronger, and I believe it makes others stronger, too. Someday enough pple will be speaking out that the truth will be like a tsunami – its power will not be denied.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you Jean , your words and insights make me feel stronger as well. So much so that I feel I’m doing something right. I’m so grateful for your site!


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