I’m Having Cataract Surgery!!!

Upcoming Holidays

1/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)
1/31 Total lunar eclipse

2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc
2/13 Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras
2/14 Ash Wednesday/Beginning of Lent
2/15 Partial solar eclipse.
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/25 Walpurgis Day

3/1 Full Moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/30 Good Friday/Death of Jesus Christ
3/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)
4/1 Easter Sunday
4/1 April Fool’s Day
4/8 Day of the Masters
4/10 Full Moon
4/16 – 4/23 Grand Climax/Da Meur/ (Preparation for sacrifice in some Satanic sects}
4/30 Walpurgisnacht/May Eve
Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
4/20 Hitler’s birthday (Note: Hitler was born on Easter, so Nazis celebrate his actual birthday, 4/20, and Easter of the current year. His alternate birthday is 4/1 this year.)
4/30 Anniversary of Hitler’s death
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

I’m Having Cataract Surgery!!!

This blog is a mixture of personal experiences and educational/factual/background/ research on ritual abuse or other topics that impact survivors. This month is going to be totally personal. I feel so into myself, and rightfully so!

In ten days I am going to have cataract surgery. I’m excited and terrified and looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

They do one eye at a time in case there is a problem, even though problems are very rare. My bad eye, which cannot pass the driver’s test any more, is first in line. (The DMV judges people by their best eye.) The optometrist called my better eye “borderline.” Funny or not?

There is a follow-up appointment the next day and another in a week. At that point I will know how well it worked and how well I will be able to see. The possibilities are:

*worse than before, with a need for follow-up treatment, even perhaps further surgery
* pretty darn good: will still need distance glasses
* prefect far vision, except for my astigmatism: will still need distance glasses
* prefect far vision, no need for distance glasses

I’m expecting to still have astigmatism, though the surgeon says it is quite possible it will go away. I will need glasses for computer work, of course, and perhaps a second set for reading. I don’t mind – I am used to glasses – had them ever since first grade. Only thing I don’t like about them is how easy they are to lose.

I had a friend who had his cataracts removed. Before they grew he had 20/20 vision. Afterwards it was even better! He raved over being able to see individual pine needles on trees. This is what I am dreaming of – being able to see details I have never seen before in my whole entire life.

There will be far less glare at night and no more pretty halos around traffic lights. Colors will be sharp and bright again. I am expecting it to be like the difference between colors on a foggy day and on a bright crisp sunny day. Can’t wait!

Of course there is a down side. There always is. For me, it is related to ritual abuse. When I was a child, they told me that if I ever told, they would slash my eyes and blind me.

They made sure I took their threat seriously by running dental instruments inside my eyelids. And, oh, did I believe them. For years I practiced for the day I would be blind. I walked around with my eyes shut, I dressed myself with my eyes shut. I even learned to put on lipstick perfectly with my eyes shut.

And now they will be cutting my eye open for real. They will also tape my head to the chair so that I will not be able to move and mess things up. I’ve worked for many years on the “I’ll blind you” flashbacks at the dentist, but I have not yet encountered a situation where I might have a flashback to having my head immobilized.

I’ll have “conscious sedation,” which will help. And I will tell the anesthesiologist and the rest of the staff to talk constantly in order to keep me anchored to the present. I have found that this both prevents flashbacks and gets me out of one if I slip into it. So I am not worried (Oops, I promised myself I wouldn’t lie any more, and I just did! Well, only a little bit worried. That’s better.)

I will try my best to have a post ready and waiting for the 30th. Even if I don’t, I’ll let you all know how it went.

27 thoughts on “I’m Having Cataract Surgery!!!

  1. hey jean- I hope all goes well. just don’t forget to slow down, don’t push yourself too hard- after they do the deed on your eyes, will you have to keep your blood pressure down? a good idea anytime, right?


    1. Paul I am slow as a snail right now LOL

      I’m already doing all I can to keep bp down. After the operation, I am not supposed to run marathons or do anything else to raise bp or heart rate. But physically, I am limited to what I can do, so all such activities are automatically out of the question. Four more days to go!


  2. I’m getting lost on this blog trying to keep up but it’s probably just my own instability! Anyways, I posted a reply under the topic, “Never Good Enough” (on January 17th.) in the hopes that maybe someone would be able to offer me a little support but it’s probably buried by now? I’m trying to stay caught up with you tracysra and would like to communicate with you but having trouble finding where you are posting presently? I even get notifications of replies that have been posted and still get lost! Well, I’m feeling very lost in the world in general so that probably accounts for a lot of it? Praying for you Jeannie that your eye surgery goes so well that you, too can see and converse with the pine tree needles! LOL!! I do that and I’m not having surgery! Can anyone hear me? Thanks for reading everyone and hoping that all is going as well as possible for all of you…peace and serenity my dear sisters and brothers!


    1. To tell the truth, I get lost, too! Not to minimize your frustration. It;s great to have a ton of comments, but they are hard to find again.

      How about an experiment – think of an unusual word you used and see if the search button can find it. Or even try for your name. If that works, use a certain unusual word in all your posts and at least you can find yourself.

      I’ll tell you what the pine needles say :8-)))


  3. My therapist suggested I check out this website and I am so glad she did. I am 59 years old and have been in therapy since my mid 20’s. The ritual abuse memories started tumbling out when I was 29 years old after a romantic break up and after I was diagnosed with MPD (multiple personality disorder) which is now of course called DID. I have had fantastic therapy and not so good therapy throughout the years.
    Right now I have a fantastic therapist who does equine therapy. It is amazing what one can learn from horses. I have always been an animal lover and was devastated to have memories about animal abuse.
    I have such shame and guilt about the ritual abuse, was told if I were a good girl nothing would hurt. So I grew up believing I was a bad person which defined me for most of my life.
    Through therapy, numerous hospital stays, and a few good friends along the way I managed to survive through suicide attempts, severe depression, self loathing and low self-esteem.

    I have often thought after 30 some years of therapy I should not be struggling so much. The past is the past right? Wrong. It follows me, I cannot escape but I can put knowledge and understanding and good people like yourself in my life to separate me from the past.

    During much of my journey I chose not to learn about cults and their methods for fear it would interfer with what was true for me and possibly influence some of my memories.
    Now I find knowledge comforting and validating.
    I was raised Catholic and so many rituals from church were reversed to fit the satanic cult I was raised in. So many people from church, my parents and public figures such as policemen were involved. There was no one I could trust or feel safe with.
    It is such a relief to have this venue to read and share with.

    One last thing and I will end this long post. My birthday is coming up, Feb 4th. I have always felt anxious and more depressed around this time of year. I’ve always attributed that to the fact there was always such horrendous abuse and rituals around this time. Now knowing there was another reason, Candlemas, it makes sense that my birthday is such a trigger for me.

    Thank you for listening!


    1. Thank YOU for sharing! I still learn from others, and still find it validating. And there *is* comfort in being with others like me.

      I think of the pagan holidays as being the structure of Satanism, and then the Christian holidays, perverted, are folded in. And a few secular ones. There are also “polytheistic” cults that worship other gods – Roman, Greek, Egyptian, etc – as well as Satan. No wonder it gets confusing.

      Birthdays in themselves can have rituals as horrific as any set holiday. So yoou have two major things to deal with within three days!


      1. Thank you for your response and feedback. I look forward to more posts to read but now I look forward to read how successful your surgery is!


  4. Jean, I used to practice being blind too. I have no memory as to why, but I know I practiced. I also practiced being dead. Laying on my bed, a pillow over my head, my head would be turned to the side so I could take in very shallow breaths. Wouldn’t move a muscle cos there was a dreaded feeling someone would come into my room.
    Maybe that was practiced so when my mom or dad were coming in for their nightly abuse, just maybe I could fool them I to thinking I was dead.
    I’m betting there is a lot more …..yuck


    1. I think you are the third or fourth person I met who practiced being blind. I imagine a lot of us practiced being dead.

      One motivation for me was “They will be sorry when I am gone.” In a white dress, looking beautiful and peaceful, with a lily in my folded hands. Band Perry has a great song about this “If I Die Young.” The other was weirder: I would meditate and make my arms and legs progressively feel dead. Actually, I couldn’t feel them at all it – was like they had disappeared. But I would jerk back into full consciousness when I reached my torso.


  5. Jean, I’m excited for you! Things are going to go great. Wow , to think about seen g clearly……Think I’m going to have surgery even tho I don’t have cataracts!
    How will posting work while your recuperating? Should we expect delays?

    Sending you a warm Heart Huggg and calming energy.
    The day of the surgery, positive healing energy will blanket you.

    You’re da bomb sista!!


    1. I hope to have a post ready and waiting: might be a repost from somebody else’s blog. At the very least, there will be a couple of lines saying that I came through fine and am happy I did it. Because that’s how I expect to be, with all the positive energy being sent my way!


    1. Welcome! I’m glad to have you with us. I’m glad you find it helpful and invite you to comment freely.

      And thank you for your good wishes and prayers


        1. Can you imagine the number of coincidences! I was asked to write an article in a little feminist journal – don’t remember how they found me, if I ever knew. I hesitated because I was very aware that boys as well as girls were abused, but I finally did. Somehow a friend of Erik’s found the article and sent it to him. And that was the first validation Erik ever had, that it was not just his family that did these cruel and crazy things. I think he found me in 1997 through ra-info.org.

          It just goes to show how much good comes of speaking out, even to just to one person, even in a little magazine read by a very few people. Our words are powerful!!


    1. Hi Erik! Nice to meet you! Hope to here more from you. Are you in the US? I pick up on things, and feel like you might be UK. No need to answer if it makes you uncomfortable.


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