Never Good Enough

Upcoming Holidays

January
 
1/13 Satanic New Year
1/17 Feast of Fools/Old Twelfth Night/Satanic and demon revels
1/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)
1/31 Total lunar eclipse
February

2/2 Candlemas/Imbolc
2/13 Shrove Tuesday/Mardi Gras
2/14 Ash Wednesday/Beginning of Lent
2/15 Partial solar eclipse
2/14 Valentine’s Day
2/25 Walpurgis Day
March
 
3/1 Full Moon
3/20 Spring Equinox
3/24 Feast of the Beast/Bride of Satan
3/30 Good Friday/Death of Jesus Christ
3/31 Full Moon (Blue Moon)

Dates important to Neo-Nazi groups
1/30 Hitler named Chancellor of Germany
(Some groups also mark Candlemas, Beltane, Lamas, Halloween, solstices, equinoxes, and full moons.)

It’s good to be back. I cannot believe I was away for so long! I missed you-all!! This is the longest I have been away from the blog since early 2013. Maybe this means I am less driven, more relaxed and better able to take care of myself?

Here’s a not very good picture that shows red rocks and me in a too-large but nice warm red jacket. I tried to crop it but got totally stuck. It was taken at Sedona, Arizona, a town near a ridge of mountains popular with psychics, monks, and mystics because there are many places where some people feel vortexes of energy. I didn’t, though, and did not explore their meaning because I was too busy drinking in the beauty all around me.

Never Good Enough

I thought of this topic while in Arizona, along with its evil twin, Never Bad Enough. I’ll save that for another time.

My mother wanted me to be perfect. Needless to say, I was a huge disappointment to her. She had been the “plain one,” born nine years after her beautiful and charming sister. I learned that her childhood nickname had been Piggy, which explained a lot. She wanted me to be everything she wasn’t and to have all the material things she hadn’t had. I understood this, and found it sad, but that didn’t stop me from taking it very personally.

I wasn’t pretty enough. My manners weren’t good enough. I wasn’t socially skilled enough. I wasn’t popular enough – as a matter of fact, I didn’t have any friends until sixth grade. And to make things worse, I became overweight when I was five and stayed that way until high school. The more I tried, the more I failed to live up to her expectations and the worse I felt about myself.

The cult also taught me that I was a failure, inferior to everybody else, hopelessly stupid. I suppose there are some cults that tell the kids that they are wonderful and are being hurt so that they will grow up to be brave and strong and able to save their country single-handedly or some such thing. But my cult taught the kids that they were being punished for failure, for not trying hard enough. They had displeased Satan and let down the whole cult. I can’t ever remember being told I did something well.

The cult teachings affected me far more than my mother’s. They seared my soul and they gave me the conviction that I was bad to the core. When I tried to do something good, I was far more evil than when I tried to do something bad. Attempts to help or protect animals or other children resulted in them being hurt even more than I was. I learned that my love and compassion were poisonous.

When I was grown and separated from the cult and my family, the ritual abuse ended but those beliefs stayed with me. Looking back, some were clearly delusional. My manners were just fine and I was slim and pretty and dressed well. (That wasn’t too hard in the ’60’s!) Others were self-fulfilling prophecies. If you don’t believe you have any friends, you will not notice that others like you and will overlook their attempts to befriend you. If you don’t believe you have good social skills, you will stammer and say dumb things and retreat into solitude.

And if you believe your love is poison…well, it is really hard to love anybody at all, including yourself. And when you are aware that you love somebody, it makes you a total panicky, anxious wreck.

It took remembering the cult experiences and seeing how they implanted those self-hating beliefs. And then it took years and years of working on myself to see how those beliefs play out in my current life. I couldn’t just throw a switch and see myself differently.

“Oh! I’m not a bad person! I am a good person who was horribly mistreated! Now I can get on with my life and love myself and be self-confident and live a full and satisfying life.” Nope, didn’t work that way.

I’d get something intellectually, but my emotions and behavior didn’t change much. I’d get something one day and it was gone the next. I would do something positive for myself or somebody else and be filled with fear and guilt. It took a lot of slow, discouraging work, day after day after day, to turn things around.

Am I good enough now? I was good enough to come this far, that’s clear. I am certain l will not become perfect any time soon. I never will live up to my mother’ standards, for she wanted to be an idealized her, and you can’t be another person. And I doubt if I can ever entirely shake off all that the cult taught be about myself and the world.

I hope I will become better as time goes on, but for now, I’m just fine, considering. And that is enough.

20 thoughts on “Never Good Enough

  1. Thanks, Jeannie, for your recent blog post! I could say a lot about never feeling good enough and can relate to issues concerning your mother! I don’t think that there has ever been a time in my life when I haven’t had “mom” problems…sad, I know! My “mom” and others have almost been totally removed from my life but by my choice and it’s probably been the most difficult thing for me to try to process! Anyways…I have to leave it at that for now…sorry!
    Here goes where my head is right now and I apologize before hand that I’m not feeling very positive about life in general! I like to relate to people on this blog, comment when I feel that I can help and inspire others who are struggling! I hesitate to even reply because I’m just not in a good space. So PLEASE forgive me for struggling? Anyways, I’ve had a series of traumatic memories ever since mid – December and I’m still being flooded in the present! The flashbacks and hidden memories that are coming up are just blowing my mind and I am so far behind in processing because it seems that I’ve been in crisis mode for for such a long period of time that I can’t remember the last time that I felt total peace inside (if ever?). I am also dealing with “food issues”, family issues, legal s**t (NO, I haven’t committed a crime!), constant changes, the fear of the unknown and many other specifics that I can’t get into right now. My set of systems are almost totally shut down and when I try to do “inside work” with my therapist and on my own, I seem to be getting little to nothing from them?! BUT they don’t have a hard time downloading and flooding me! I’m working overtime here both with my therapist and on my own accord but I’m growing very tired and worn down and my health is failing me! I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed and alone even though I have people in my life who care for me a great deal. The problem is that I often find myself questioning just how much do I love and care about myself? That’s the first step right? Well, I even too tired to take that step and fear that the harmful, destructive, and devastating voices in my head (I’m D.I.D. NOT schizophrenic) will win over me?! It’s scary to be in my head right now and was wondering if anyone can hear my silent cries and screams right now? Still sending positive light and energy to all of you on this blog! Until next time????

    Like

      1. No problem with the post. Problem is that I have so much to do I am overwhelmed and often am away form my computer for 6 hours a day. So I don’t get to approve posts for a while. And sometimes when I get home my brain is fried! I’ll explain 0n 1/20.

        Like

        1. Sorry Jeannie that I got impatient! I should know by now that you’re very busy and trying to juggle a lot in your life right now! I’ll remind everyone inside about that next time! All apologies, my friend!

          Like

    1. it is as hart to stop thinking as it is to master the voices. not impossible. the hard part is excepting the time it will take to get better-we want, and need, to be better now. just know there are many of us who might help.

      Like

  2. Hi Jean! Welcome back!! Missed you and your blog!! Beautiful picture! Love the red coat!! Your words are an echo of my experiences. Thank you for sharing.

    Like

  3. Admiring your bravery for working through your memories. It takes a lot of work and courage.
    I think you’re more than good enough. You are kind, patient, always there with answers or advice.
    But I recognize the unfortunate reality that we ourselves cannot always see those facts and that maybe some part will always be ‘poisoned’ with things we learned.

    Like

    1. hey, thanks! Gotta adjust the self-image a bit!

      For me, it helps if I identify the poison as something I was taught, not The Eternal Truth. It lets it stay there, just reframes it to get it out of me and into the not-me.

      Like

  4. I loved your comments. Of late I have happily reached a state of
    “good enough” and I know what that means and how it feels.
    It is far from perfect, but I am good enough to meet the challenges of the day.

    Like

    1. Aw, Paul, thank you I feel neither strong nor brave and I don’t even feel like I am expending any energy in faking it.

      Robert Burns, the Scottish poet, wrote,

      “O wad some Power the giftie gie us
      To see oursels as ithers see us!”

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s