After Christmas 2016

Sorry, I thought I had posted this. I think I was more upset than I thought!

Christmas Day was sort of okay. I wanted to spend it alone, but I had made a foam-board dollhouse room for a seven-year-old, and I wanted to be there for the opening. It was nice: choice of a wood floor or a wall-to-wall carpeted floor, a door that opened, and a window. I included some of the furniture I didn’t treasure: a basic wooden bed, a bureau, a toy chest with some toys, a red wagon, a red bicycle, and a really gaudy folding screen. A starter set, really.

I like making things for people and I like being pretty sure I am giving a present that they will like, not something I think they ought to like. I knew in advance that the payment for this moment of pleasure was sitting around and talking to the adults. I like them all individually, but as a group I found it overwhelming.

When it came time for the opening of presents, the kid was overwhelmed, too, and escaped to a nice quiet room with a television. So I snuck back home.

I had my heart set on having dim sum, and I got that wish. Like most granted wishes, it wasn’t quite perfect. The restaurant I wanted to go to was closed. The one I ended up at had only a few dim sum on the menu and so I couldn’t get anything exotic, but they were good.

All in all, it was fine. Nothing traumatic, no flashbacks, no scenes, no people being mean to each other with a smile on their face. Not nearly as nice as last year, which I spent with my good friend amid the breath-taking beauty of red rocks in Utah. But boy, would I have been thrilled to have had such a pleasant Christmas when I was a child.

The next few days were like normal days; the gym, the pool, tons of email, a nice big Dungeness crab, a little house work. My car amused itself by throwing a fit. All the alarm lights came on at once but it cleared up the moment the car got to the garage. It wouldn’t misbehave for the mechanics and the diagnostics didn’t show anything. I figure it’s either the electrical system or the computer in the car, and either one will be expensive down the road. They assured me it’s safe to drive, but I am a little nervous.

Now New Year’s Eve is coming up. I feel somewhat apprehensive, and I think that is a flashback to a flashback. The original event was icky things that happened on New Year’s Eve. A big cocktail party that lasted until midnight and then, after the last Old Lang Syne was sung, off to a ritual. For years, the flashbacks consisted of a vague feeling that things were not all right.

Then, in 1999, I was filled with terror. I was sure that Satanists around the world would wreck havoc in any and every way they could think of. Bombs, large bombs. Poisoning the water supplies. Messing up the Internet and computer systems so that the electricity, banks, and phones were knocked out. Assassinations. And many more things I could not even imagine.

My therapist reminded me that I had lived through flashbacks before but I could not believe that this was only a flashback. I was convinced that it was a rational fear, given what I knew.

So I went to a big chain liquor store and bought two expensive jars of caviar. One was for New Year’s Eve, which I spend safely at home alone. If I was killed during the night, I wouldn’t be there to mind spending the extra money. And if I lived, I would have it for breakfast. Best breakfast I have ever had.

I bet some of you can relate. And I bet everybody remembers that nothing out of the ordinary happened. Guess they aren’t as powerful as they led me to believe!!!!!!

10 thoughts on “After Christmas 2016

  1. Hi Jean,

    I’m A quit reader of Your blog and trying to find my way in the whole “DID, what memories are true, I don’t believe any of this, but why am I feeling this way and remember things and recognise things written about ritual abuse if they didn’t happen’ mess.
    I just wanted to say thank you. For being brave and posting and for being a reminder that even if these things did happen, you can come out on the other side and still be alive and strong. Thank you.



    1. I know exactly what you are talking about. In the beginning I thought that way all the time, and it drove me nuts. I still do occasionally. This is how I handle those thoughts:

      “It’s just a hypothesis that satanic ritual abuse caused all my symptoms. I’ll assume it’s true until I find a better one.”

      I think the doubt is there to help us take in the reality slowly, to give us a break from knowing just how horrendous it was, and probably who was involved, too.


      1. I replied last night I’m sure. Your last sentance really got me. I tight this whole last year I was and we all were gone ers . Didnt know this was your blog. Anneliese


  2. I enjoyed reading your account of the nice things you did for yourself over the holidays. Christmas was nice and quiet for me. My daughter was busy with her father’s family so it was me and my dog and 2 cats. I love those furry critters. New Years also caused apprehension and some fear but no new memories.


  3. Oh my gosh your last sentence made me cry. I really didn’t think I would make it to xmas day let alone new years or now. They are so not as powerful as they programd me to think they were. Hugs.
    it’s been a really hard month. I didn’t think I was affected as much as what I thought I was but I am and it sux. Glad I spent most of the day alone too.


    1. I’m really glad you made it through. Chances are the next few weeks will be less awful.

      It’s really true, They puff themselves up and take credit for all the awful things that happen in the world. They even make little kids believe they have caused large-scale destruction. I knew a survivor who really believed she had caused the Vietnam war. They do it partly to terrorize and control the kids and partly to make themselves feel strong. Because underneath all that crap, they are weak, frightened people.

      I laughed at this, because it sounds exactly like me. ” I didn’t think I was affected as much as what I thought I was ” I wrote “I think I was more upset than I thought!”


      1. Hehe yes it is a crazy time and you think you aren’t going to be affected then you are or the opposite. Can never tell really until triggered. I thought I was cool with Xmas turns out that was a big fat lie


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