I’m Driving Myself Nuts

I’m going away for a long weekend and won’t be able to post an entry on March 1 (or February 30, for that matter.) So this one is early by five days. Next one will be March 10.)

So many of my symptoms that really got in my way during the past have faded. They are still there, but not nearly as often, and they aren’t nearly as intense. I have much to be grateful for.

But in the last couple of months I have developed some new symptoms that make me crazy. They aren’t destructive, which is a blessing. They don’t ruin my life. They are more like a persistent itch that is annoying enough to get in the way of concentrating on much of anything else.

What are they symptoms of? Danged if I know. Maybe they are just shields to hide the real thing.

Anyway, I now count all the time, for the first time in my life (that I remember, of course.) It might have started with physical therapy exercises, where I have to count the repetitions. Except I have been doing PT exercises on and off for thirty years. Maybe it has spread from the PT to other parts of my life because I focus more on my PT.

Now I count steps, pairs of socks when I put away the laundry, bites of food. Worst of all I sometimes counts my breaths at night which, within a few minutes, makes me afraid I will forget how to breathe. I say to myself, “think of something pleasant!” but within a minute or so I am right back to counting my breaths. It makes it hard to relax enough to get to sleep.

Another annoying thing is that I hear words in random sounds — the sounds the mouse makes on the mouse pad, the sound of my walker in the apartment, traffic noises. They make no sense and fade before I can catch them and write them down, like words that drift through my mind as I am meditating. Can they be clues to what is underneath all this? If I can’t remember or record them, I will never know.

A couple of weeks ago I started naming things. Dish. Fork. Chair. Will I soon start counting them as well? “One dish. Two forks, three spoons.” Aaargh!

That’s a lot of new symptoms to pop up in such a short time. Am I becoming OCD in my old age? Unlikely. Could they be a side effect of the new pain med I am taking? The timing is right. Or are they a protection from a memory that is trying to surface? The timing is always right!

Let’s say they are shielding a memory. I understand that dealing with the effect of ritual abuse is a life-long process and  that it doesn’t go in  a straight line. Instead, it seems to spiral; you work on some issue until it feels resolved. Then weeks or months or years later you return to the same issue and work on it on a deeper level. I know intellectually that this is progress, but emotionally I am always caught off-guard and am disappointed in myself. I shouldn’t be — I should be pleased with myself, but old habits of self-criticism die hard.

If it’s a new symptom that is guarding a secret, my job now is to figure out whether this is a recurrent issue or a new one. If it’s a side effect, I’ll ask the doctor, who probably will be baffled, since Google doesn’t know. The counting and naming and hearing random words is driving me nuts and not knowing where it comes from is driving me nuts, too.

16 thoughts on “I’m Driving Myself Nuts

  1. Thank you all so much ! You have given me a lot to think about. I’m sure I won’t solve the puzzle in a day or a week, but you put me on a good track.


    1. I hope you have a good weekend away! You are not alone in this- I am not sure what it all means but, I have had similar counting rituals at times. My best to you.


  2. Hard to say. May be you reached the bottom of the barrel and those are some primary child alters that were responsible for learning? If not, it may be your mind glitching after all this pressure.
    It all depends on how much of your mind you discovered, how much integrated? Do you remember your life as a cult member? Do you remember and removed that hidden cultist worldview? A person should take control over his personality, then it should be possible to heal, have full life without the cult.


  3. Hi, you are doing great!!

    I found that I also had things popping up long after I thought I was healed. It is a lifelong journey and we are progressing all the time.

    Frustrating at times yes!!! But we are moving forward and memories are being healed little by little, depending on the magnitude of the abuse in that memory.

    It is quite possible that it is the surfacing of a memory or maybe programming. I trust that it will all be revealed in due course. Do not be afraid of it, soon you will be set free!

    In the meantime I keep thinking of you and am here to support!

    Kind regards



  4. Jean,

    For whatever it’s worth, the first thing that I thought of, before you even stated it, was, “is she on new medication?? I also happen to have the counting thing. It drives me nuts! And I swear it started 30 years ago from doing physical therapy exercises.




    1. Good idea, Deirdre !
      Perhaps what affects Jean is a COPY compulsion / a collateral automatic process of replication & duplication engendered by some imbeded programs….


  5. I hear you loud and clear and how at times I don’t know if its real or am I doing this to myself. There was a time for me that I started counting for me it related to a memory and until I got it out the counting stop now this may not be like mine. At times I think is the memory’s done yet and another comes up and I think I am sick of tired of having them they are not as many but one will come out and I hate it. I hope you can find some peace while you go away for the weekend and I love your writings.



  6. this brings to mind that for as long as I can remember, I’ve been reading license plates. I try to memorize them “in case I need to know them later”>>> just in case someone questions me and I need to be able to tell them the license plate number, so they can find the person and the car/truck… makes me crazy sometimes. I don’t know why I’ve always done this, but, to my knowledge I’ve never been questioned about the numbers and letters on a license plate… odd…


    1. Hi Dejoly- I do the license plate memorization thing constantly!! I never even thought of this until you said it-yikes! In my mind I am reporting to the police and they ask for the license plate #. I guess it is a counting ritual of sorts….


      1. Dear Briana, I feel that you may have needed in the past to memorize WHO was following you, hence the need to read & remember license plates (screened memory) …


  7. It’s bewildering that rape and ritual abuse is a common tool of war for governments to use and children are a main target securing the future reign of tyranny that we now live under a godless lawlessness from Ottawa and all it’s tentacles throughout schools and police etc. Serial rapists often migrate in troops and revisit their victims even in old age they continue to attack a bizarre sort of Satanic religious beliefs. Pedophiles brag openly now without fear and are cuddled by the courts and run with the police in criminal activities. The number of them has climbed and I am sure they will say this obscenity is legal also. Since nothing was ever done to stop it in the first place it is now just a formality before they deem it legal to have sex with children, perverse lost society looks to criminals in Ottawa for a moral guideline are looking to the bottom of the barrel of dirt for Gems that are not there.


    1. Dear Owen:

      This is righteous anger and I hope you find a way to harness it and fight child sexual abuse wherever it is found!!!!

      I remember reading in the 1950’s that incest occurred in only one in a million families. That’s less than seventy years ago, and look how far we have come. I therefore am not pessimistic, like you. I expect that the number of people exposing child sexual abuse (and other forms of child abuse) will continue to grow and that pedophiles in high places will soon be no longer able to hide. If you want to keep up with what is happening the US, Canada, and the rest of the world, go to https://ritualabuse.us/ and subscribe to their newsletter.


  8. Dear Jean,
    to me, it feels like a COUNTDOWN,
    coming from your past or linked to an event in you future,
    it’s up to you to say …


  9. Interesting (er, and I’m sorry your having this crap). I’ve personally recently connected with a bunch of parts who have OCD-type symptoms, which actually have always been around for me but I simply hadn’t been aware of those parts (aside from when I get the “I have to find x thing” thing or occassionally when they’ve been into intense organizing of objects). Maybe it’s a similar thing for you? It’s a thought, anyways.


  10. Dearest friend. As long as it drives you to Seattle, you are okay. Drop it as far as thinking about it and deal with it more when you return. Have a great time. Karen


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